Sex and Relationships

Sexual Dysfunction

Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality

Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

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Probable size mismatch.  Problems for both virgins on wedding night?
4/15/05 Q:  Hi Doc, and thanks for taking the time to read/answer my question.

Well, Here's the deal....I am recently engaged to a girl that I of course love dearly. Now we are of a common religeous background
and in fact are both virgins (not born again virgins, but actual virgins in every way). I am 30 and she is
28. Both of us are in great shape, physically. Now my fiancee is a very petite girl. She is 4' 10" and
weighs less than 100 lbs. I'm not a large guy by any means, but not too long ago I became aware of the fact
that I have a disproportionately large penis. To put it bluntly it measures just a shade over 9" and is
about 7" in circumference when fully erect. I have done some research into this and based on what I have
read I am concerned that I might not be able to fully penetrate my wife on our wedding night, or worse. maybe
not ever. Now we have both saved ourselves all these years for this, according to our beliefs, and she does
not know anything about the size of my penis nor do I know anything about her private parts, as we believe
it is something to be shared on our wedding night as a gift to one another. But Doc I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't very worried about not being able to have a mutually satisfying initial encounter with her when the
time comes. So, I wanted to defer to someone who knows a heck of alot more than I do about these sorts of
things, and say that I am willing to go to great ends to do what it takes to ensure that our wedding night
is as special and mutually satisfying and enjoyable as possible, and as we have both envisioned it to be.Thanks in advance Doc,


A:  Dear D,

My first thought is that you and she need several hours worth of talking with to get all your questions answered.

In the time I have available to respond to this I can suggest only a few tip of the iceberg comments.

First and foremost:  Your expectation model of the world MUST include an appreciation of anatomical limitations.  While there is NO CORRELATION between any part of a man's body (including height) with the size of his erection, the same does not apply to women.  A smaller pelvis means a smaller vaginal opening.

Because you are both virgins, you would be VERY WISE to anticipate that your wedding day will be emotionally and physically exhausting, and those are the worst conditions for good sex.

My strongest advice is for you to choose among A) no sex on your wedding day/night; B) Make a pact that no penetration will be attempted, but that you will explore each other's body and rub each other to orgasm; or C) attempt penetration with an extremely high probability that it will be painful, possibly rip her vaginal tissue, causing bleeding and panic, and requiring stitches to avoid scarring (which is less elastic than untraumatized vaginal tissue), and delaying another attempt at penetration by several weeks.

Those are your choices and as long as you have a realistic idea of the possible consequences, you will live with what you choose.

She might have some or all of her hymeneal tissue -- unless she has been using tampons for several years.  This can (and should) be surgically removed to prevent ripping it during penetration.

When female virgins are nervous they unconsciously clench their pelvic muscles including those that surround the vagina.  Repeated attempts at unsuccessful penetration can bruise their introitus and cause vaginismus (which takes 3-10 months of weekly sex therapy to undo)

When male virgins are nervous they often lose their erection, causing anticipatory anxiety which guarantees that the process will be repeated.

So:  What I suggest that you do:  On your wedding night kiss, fondle, and use your fingers on her clitoris to bring her to orgasm (as many as she wants).  Put some lubricant between her thighs and both lying on your side, put your erection between her thighs and slide it back and forth until you have an orgasm.  Then go to sleep.

Then, every day after that, rub the head of your penis around her labia and push gently, expecting that you will not enter completely, but have an orgasm whenever you want (having excited her to be lubricated and providing her orgasms before and/or after).  Each time see if you can penetrate deeper and deeper, but IF IT HURTS, STOP!!!!!  Good sex should never hurt!

If you determine that the largest diameter of her introitus is smaller than your girth, consult her OB-GYN for a "cosmetic episiotomy" -- a minor operation in which a slit is made in her introitus to enlarge it.

Even after you are able to enter her, expect that IF you thrust too deeply, you can bruise her cervix causing her to avoid intercourse with you.

That's about all the time I have right now.

Please re-read this keeping in mind that I have no agenda except to help you two to avoid pain, panic, and disappointment, and to follow a path of best possible pleasure.

You might find it helpful to print this e-mail and take it with you to discuss with her a day or two after your wedding day.

Do you have an OB-GYN you can talk to about this?

Please note that I have scrupulously avoided any reference to religious suggestions.  I am sharing 17 years of experience as a sex therapist and substantial personal experience.

I hope this helps.


He really likes ass play.  She has some questions about ....
1/5/05 Q:
Hello Dr Fitz. As a first time visitor to your site, let me first compliment you on your wonderful ability to advise people with clear -- often blunt -- advice.  There is no 'beating around the bush' from you and that is wonderful. I have a couple of questions I'm hoping you can answer in the same blunt manner.

I am a 34 year old woman who has been married to a 31 year old man for the past eight years. A few years ago my husband asked me if I would mind trying to penetrate him anally, first with my fingers then asking for household items such as carrots. I knew that wasn't safe, so we began using vibrators and anal beads, moving on to dildos and butt plugs at his request. He now also wants me to use a strap on, which I will get to in a few moments.

From our previous 'play', I noticed three things -- {1}in BDSM terms he likes to 'top from the bottom'; We are not into BDSM ... at least not yet, not deep, not as far as I'm concerned. He's been blindfolded, has worn earplugs a few times, and has had his hands loosely bound on occasion, but nothing I consider extreme. He has expressed an interest in being completely tied up and often comments that I should 'take control', yet seems unable to allow me to really do that. He wants to give me constant directions when he is in a position of slight submission (EX- "use your bigger cock", "tickle my balls now", "stroke my cock faster/slower/not at all", etc.).  Should I just take it 'all the way' -- tie him up completely, give him a safe word and tell him that except for that word,  his ass is mine to do with as I see fit -- and see how he responds?  I'm not sure if that's what he's really looking for -- to be almost totally stripped of control -- which isn't quite the same if you are first given total control by being asked if what you want is to have no control. Do you have an opinion on what a man lijõ ke him is actually craving when he asks to be 'used' by his wife?

{2}he prefers -- and easily accepts -- toys that are larger in diameter as opposed to very small dildos and plugs that he usually finds uncomfortable;

{3}he loves to be penetrated but does not usually allow me to actually fuck him with the toy (in/out pumping action). Despite this, he wants me to get a strap on.  Strap ons are mainly for actual fucking movements, correct? Why would he want me to wear one if not to actually fuck him with it? The one time I actually did fuck him with a dildo, he had an explosive orgasm from being pumped, but seemed a bit embarassed afterwards. That is one reason I suspect he is waiting for me to 'take charge' (as he puts it) and give him the feeling of having no control. He's had to be reassured a few times in the past that enjoying being penetrated does not mean he is gay and maybe feeling as if control of the activity is out of his hands is how he could finally allow himself to enjoy being actually fucked in the ass -- much in the same way a woman would use a rape fantasy so as not to have responsibility for letting go or what she considers 'sluttiness'. In my opinion, being probed is almost 'medical' in a way whereas being 'pumped' and reacting to that stimulation seems more personal and more like the actual act of ass fucking which men are brought up to see as a 'gay activity'. Or ... the movement and pumping might hurt. I just don't understand how that can be a possibility considering he can easily take and enjoy larger objects than I find comfortable and even I prefer movement and pumping (even slight or slow) over the uncomfortable feeling of something being left motionless in my ass. It's not that I can't talk to him about this, it's just that, as I've said before, being asked if you want to have no control is not the same as jõ having it taken from you. I want to excite him by taking control of him without first having an extentive talk on this particular subject and hope I have given you enough information to advise me on whether or not it's a good idea or over the line.

Also -- very important -- I wanted to know of a secure, tight fitting harness that will not move and will keep the dildo firmly in place during sex, preferably leather, and and not particularly interested in whether or not the harness has plugs for me. Fit is what is extremely important to me. I dont want one that will pull from my body as I pull out of him. We once very briefly tried a poorly made all-in-one harness and dildo that would shift, pull away and not hold tight to my crotch. The dildo felt like a condom stuffed with newspaper and the harness wouldn't stay tight up against me. What a mood killer! Selecting a harness that feels like a second skin is very important to me for two reasons -- if it fits properly I can control it better and it I can control it better I KNOW I can orgasm solely from the pressure of penetrating him and that should drive him WILD! If size matters, I'm 5' tall and weigh between 100 and 110. Also, the lower the dildo rests on my crotch, the closer to my clit, the better.

I thank you very much for any advice you may have or suggestions you can give me. I hope to hear from you very soon.

Dear M,

This is one of the most articulate, comprehensive, and insightful questions I have received!  Thank you for the opportunity to comment on this and to share it with other readers.

First, I know that the majority of sexually unsophisticated readers are thinking "This guy is a latent homosexual and he really wants sex with a man," so I will hammer that before proceeding.  Homosexuality is defined by the gender of the participants, not the nature of the activity.  When a man gives oral sex to his female lover (that's what some lesbians do), does that make him a lesbian?  When a woman sucks a penis (what some gay guys do) does that make her a gay man?  So that your husband wants ass play speaks to what eroticizes him and his safety to divulge to you what I promise you he was afraid to disclose way back when, for fear of rejection.

In the order of your questions/comments:  In BDSM, the "bottom" is always in control (FYI).

In giving you "constant directions" he is, in fact, training -- teaching you -- what he finds most pleasing.  Once you have learned what he likes and how, he expects to be silent and to have you do to him what you have learned.  Yes,  he wants you to take charge -- when you feel that you are ready -- and to tie him up, agree on a safe word, and make it clear that YOU are calling the shots.  He wants to be abdicated of all responsibility.  Most people in this situation also like to be told not to speak until spoken to (a slap on the ass for "breaking the rules" is often de rigeur), and to be called names (ass slut, etc.), and to be "warned" of what you're going to do, to maximize the anticipation ("If you're a good little slut and do as you're told, I'm going to strap on the BIG dildo and ravage your ass until I'm satisfied -- I don't give a shit about your satisfaction [negative psychology, because you really do care]).

If he likes the larger toys, fine, but be very very clear about his maximum diameter because you want to avoid something so big that it rips his anal tissues or sphincters.  That's rather embarrassing in the ER and happens too often.

Regarding the pumping in and out motion, there are several possibilities.  The first is his guilt about doing a homosexual thing.  The thought process is along the lines of "If my wife puts it in and I feel stretched, that's 'marital sex play.'  If she pumps it in and out that's like getting ass fucked by a man and that's a covert desire to be homosexually butt fucked."  The second is that he could find the anal and prostate stimulation too stimulating, to the point where the pleasure becomes too much and is irritating.  I embrace the first hypothesis based on your observation that he had an explosive orgasm from being pumped (but seemed a bit embarrassed afterward).


Imminent sense of having to have a bowel movement upon penetration (more common than suspected)
9/21/04 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,

This is a very embarrassing topic for me.  I have done
quite a bit of research on the topic, without having
to actually make the situation more embarrassing.  I
have seen a gastro enterologist about my problem,
however he did not give any good advice for me.  I am
22 and so is my current boyfriend.  We have been
dating for almost 3 years, and now he has just
graduated from college.  We had a long distance
relationship for almost 2 years, and now that he is
here full time, I really want to make the best of our
relationship.  We used to have sex frequently when we
were first dating.  It has slowly decreased due to my
problem.  I find that when we have sex, it starts to
make me feel like I am going to have a bowel movement.
 I know that the feeling is lessened with a vibrator,
which gets me more aroused, faster.  But it is making
sex more awkward, and I never used to have to use a
vibrator.  However, I cannot have an orgasm without
one.  Even when we first started dating, I never had
an orgasm.  In fact, my first orgasm was when I was 20
years old.  Basically, I have noticed that the faster
he penetrates me during sex, the feeling of having to
have a bowel movement increases.  I have to tell him
to stop, because I refuse to have an embarrassing
situation occur.  What I am really concerned with is
that I sometimes feel a faint popping in my anus,
almost like a muscular movement.  I have irritable
bowel and am frequently constipated.  I have tried
several things like exercise and drugs like zelnorm.
I also have problems with bloating, which definately
puts me out of the mood for sex.  The situation gets
so bad sometimes, that when we try to have sex, and I
start to feel the effect of the pressure...I just
start crying from shear embarrassment and frustration.
 He has been more than understanding, and I am afraid
I will lose him if I can't find a solution.  Would
this be a problem with a sphincter muscle or is it
just in my head?  I have also asked my gynocologist,
and she basically looked at me like I was a freak.
Which didn't help.  I have told my boyfriend, but I
think he believes I am just not attracted to him,
which couldn't be farther from the truth.  Please


A:  Dear L,

What you describe is more common than you think but that fact does nothing to help with your circumstance.

Penile penetration causes intrapelvic pressure from the sheer amount of cubic volume displacement, which puts a lot of pressure on the bladder and some pressure on the bowel.  This tricks the woman's body into thinking that she has to urinate or defecate which seriously confuses the woman's mind.

If there is fecal content in the large intestine, this pressure triggers a peristaltic signal that says "must empty bowel NOW."

While on penile-vaginal penetration many women experience the sensation of an uncontrollable urge to urinate, and fewer but a distinct number experience the incipient need to defecate, few experience any urine or feces extruded.

This often takes care of itself over time as the brain learns to distinguish between "volume from penile penetration" and "volume of urine or feces."  In the meantime, emptying the bladder and/or taking an enema to empty the rectum prior to intercourse for a few years often is the preparation that is most effective.

You should know that the nerves that signal orgasm are a "shotgun" blast throughout the pelvis and that all neurologically "normal" men and women, when they experience the involuntary pelvic muscle contractions of orgasm, experience also anal spasms.  If you have short fingernails, lubricate your finger and your anus, insert one or two fingers into your rectum, masturbate with a vibrator, and when you have an orgasm, note that your anal sphincters are also rhythmically contracting.  If that is what you are feeling, it does not signal immediate bowel emptying.

I hope this helps.


Sounds like psychogenic erection dysfunction but it could be systemic (needing medical attention)
8/21/04 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,

I happened to find your website at Google while searching for some sex therapists.  It was quite informative and I enjoyed reading some of the posted materials.  More than anything I enjoyed your straightforward personality.

I have had encountered the ED from my boyfriend almost from the beginning of our relationship which started in December last year (8 months into relationship).  He is 48 and I am 44. I am Far East Asian with slim, petite and nice body (some men said so), 103 lbs, 5’2”, smooth skin, and overall good looking with a nice face. He is Caucasian, 180 lbs, 5’11” tall, and also good-looking.  We both are divorced with a teenager daughter. We are quite healthy, good-hearted, attractive, and we take care of our selves very well.  We met through an on-line dating service and we immediately were attracted to each other (not necessarily physically but spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally).  We have had a very satisfying, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship so far, and we love each other very much. As a matter of fact, this was the most wonderful relationship we both experienced in our entire life, especially for him. But I don’t understand why, among all other partners he had before, he can’t maintain strong erection with me (he tried with others and worked well, which is normal for him).

Our first couple of sexual intercourse was no problem, but as we became more and more intimately bonded, we noticed that he wasn’t able to maintain strong erection to perform normally as he had been. This was totally a shock for him and also for me because we both never encountered anything like this in our life.  He always had a very active and strong sex drive (with his various past partners before) and I always had a good appetite (even though I hadn’t dated for the past 8 years) for sex.  He took courage and confided in me that my body was not visually attractive to him (and that’s why his penis was refusing).  As long as he lies on his back and I sit on top of him, he is able to maintain erection (and for as long as over an hour quite often), but as he tries to change his position to missionary position or other positions, he loses erection.  So I am the one who has to always work hard in the performance on top of him. He also often loses erection when we change from place to place.  It’s like there is an ED trigger waiting for the transition. The problem is definitely of psychological origin.  There were a few occasions when he was able to maintain his erection quite well, and actively performed from various positions, and I could see how much he could do, to my excitement.  I was able to understand his frustration better. He and I both long so much that he could maintain his usual strong sexual drive with me.

Even though he stressed his strong needs for visual attraction to perform and that need is beyond his control, somehow, I feel that the real problem may lie well beneath his own understanding.  We both believe we have a good sexual chemistry: we enjoy hugging, kissing, and touching each other.  We love each other’s smell and feel of skin. When he and I lie on the bed and hold each other, he often said that it felt so pleasant to hold me which I also agree to.  We also have a very deep spiritual bonding: we praise each other, we bring out good in each other, we care for and love each other – it is truly very rewarding relationship.  The level of our intimacy is something he had never experienced before. He had a quite insecure and lonely childhood with no family members to intimately bond with.  Both his parents abandoned him as they got divorced.  I am from a family full of loving care even though there were ups and downs along the way.  He had many relationships in the past, all of them based on physical attraction and physical relationship mainly, but unfortunately none was emotionally rewarding or spiritually bonding. I had a several deep relationships in the past, engaging both in spiritual and physical.  In our love-making, I felt often that his act was more of sex, especially at the beginning of our relationship, rather than love-making.

Dr. Fitzgerald, I can feel that he is very confused and depressed about our physical relationship and therefore he tried to break up our relationship a number of times in the past since the beginning of our relationship, but only to return to me again and again.  I understand it can deeply damage male-ego and I sympathize with him and try to encourage him.  We have excellent communication and that has been sustaining our relationship up to now.  We openly discuss about it too. Our love became so strong and we are almost inseparable now, even though we went through countless break-ups. We both are open to work on the problem and that’s why I was searching for some help and found you.

What do you think about our situation, and is there anything we could try to work out the problem?  How can we help him regain his usual vigor in our love-making as he used to with other partners.  It seems that it just does not work with me only with whom he has had the strongest emotional bonding and love.  It makes him and me feel very frustrated.  Could it be true that he has to rely so much on visual stimulation to make love? (My body is far from ugly, by the way, and is nicely constructed, but not to his taste ).  What about feelings of love, and how can he learn to release it and transform it into our love-making act? Why can’t he open up to accept my body as it is?  In my own opinion, the problem is due to his high-exposure to sexuality so that ordinary things don’t stimulate him as much any more. Also I think he never learned or was trained to be open-minded to accept different body types than his favored type based on stronger emotional bonding, because he always chose partners based on physical attraction first.  Or maybe it is fear of intimacy.  Or maybe it is related to performance anxiety.  If this is solvable, I would like to send him to seek your counseling. Please help.

Desperate M

A:  The absence of  any reference to a medical work-up on him leads me to urge him to see a urologist with a reputation for dealing with ED (not all do and some are very uncomfortable about sex).  If you are geographically close to Silicon Valley I can Recommend Dr. Terry Sullivan on Forest Avenue.

Whoever he sees he needs to focus on the physical position and the change of positions.  There is a rare condition known as "Pelvic Blood Steal" that is characterized by erections flat on the back but a loss of erection when changing to any other position.

Also, it is entirely possible that his serum testosterone is lower now and that he needs a hormone assay (or at least a blood test for free-T).  A good urologist will propose and run all the tests and be able to make a differential diagnosis regarding possible systemic factors and psychological factors.

In the meantime, unless it is contraindicated because of drug interaction, he can try Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

Beware of mental health practitioners (psychologists, psychiatrists, and family counselors) who are willing to "assess" his psychological factors before any medical work-up is performed. If it is medical, time and money will be wasted attempting to treat it as a psychological problem.

If a good Urologist can find nothing wrong, that is the time to consider the psychological factors.  You need to know that in a majority of cases, one therapy session in which the man is told to use Viagra for absolutely every erection opportunity (by himself or with a partner) for the next 10 events -- then to see if, on the eleventh his erection is good enough.  In over 60% of the cases the man does not need to further consult a mental health professional.

If you appreciate this advice, please follow-up with your reactions (yours and his), what you do (doctor visit, etc.), and what happens (results).


Consensual sexual asphyxiation -- dangers?
8/17/04 Q:  Hi there Doc!
I'm a 27 year old woman in a monogomous relationship with a man my age who, when we first started dating, shared with me that he had done some light bondage in his past.  While I'm very sexually experienced, I had never been choked before during sex and was quite surprised when he shared this with me.  I didn't see this as a turn on, but remarked that I might be open to it sometime.
Several nights ago, we saw each other for the first time in two weeks (we hadn't spent a night apart in 2 and a half months before this time apart) because he was away on business.  We had the most amazing foreplay which consisted on a lot of eye contact, tight hugging, squeezing, etc. (very emotionally intimate), then proceeded to finally begin having very slow, deliberate sex.  It was so incredible, and I was so turned on!  After about ten minutes, he very gently put his hand up to my neck and ever-so-slightly applied pressure.  I felt the slightest shortness of breath, then he removed his hand.  He did this once more, and again stopped.
I was already so aroused that I don't know if this action or the sex in general led to me having two orgasms (a rarity for me).  Afterwards, he asked if I liked it.  I said I did and asked why he stopped.  He explained that he didn't want to hurt or scare me.  I told him that if I ever wanted him to stop something I would ask.
My question is this:  How safe is this practice?  I'm assuming it's relative depending on how long/ how much force he uses.  Is it true that choking can induce a heightened orgasm?  And is there any reason to be concerned that he gets off doing this?
Thanks in advance!

A:  For reasons I do not fully understand medically, being sexually stimulated while experiencing insufficient oxygen enhances the sexual response.  There is no danger to brief periods of oxygen insufficiency, but more than 90 seconds is the threshold for the death of brain cells.

I see no cause for concern that he is into doing this.  As with all sadomasochistic (S/M) behavior the bottom or recipient needs a safe word or action to signal the termination of the action.  With hypoxia, because you could pass out, I urge you to reverse the signal:  make the presence of a signal permission to proceed -- such as holding an arm up -- so that if you do pass out and your arm drops, that signals stopping the choking.

Unfortunately, a number of men die each year from this practise.  They throw a rope over a ceiling joist in the garage, tie a towel loop onto it, put their head in the noose, and bend their knees while masturbating, modulating how much choking occurs.  Some go limp with orgasm and end up choking themselves to death.

Expect that this might be thrilling the first several times you do it and it might become less enhancing with experience.

In the meantime, enjoy.


What to do when anal sex hurts (NOTE:  This applies to either gender recipient)
8/17/04 Q:  hi.

I am a gay male and have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now.

We are both 'versatile' and have safe anal sex with each other.

I am fine when he penetrates me, but when i try to penetrate him it hurts him too much, he wants me to continue but i dont want to hurt him!

Sometimes i can get fully 'in' then after a minute or so it hurts him, other times it hurts him before fully penetrated.

Is there an anasthetic cream on the market that we could apply before sex??? Or do you have any other ideas how to prevent the pain?

Please advise

Many Thanks

A:  Dear P,

While it is entirely possible that his anal sphincters are too narrow to accept your erection without pain, it is also entirely possible that he has not learned how to accept your diameter.

He is advised to use a butt plug the maximum diameter of which is equal to or larger than the diameter of your erection, and to rinse his rectum with 2 cups of water to evacuate fecal matter which can be very abrasive, then with Albolene moisturizing makeup remover (fantastic anal lube!) generously applied to his anus and the butt plug, to insert it partially with in and out motions, ever so slowly pushing it deeper and deeper into his rectum.

If the butt plug diameter is very close to your erection diameter, his goal is to insert fully and to retain it, and remove and replace it several times.

This might take 9-12 days of every 3 days practice.  The first time he might get it only 1/2 way in, three days later 3/4, three days later 7/8, and on the twelfth day all the way.

While doing the in and out motion with the butt plug he needs to practise three states of pelvic muscle tension.  At rest, puckered up like he is trying to avoid farting, and bearing down like he is trying to have a bowel movement.  The last -- bearing down -- sends a signal to his anal sphincters to relax.

If he does that and still experiences pain when you penetrate, conclude that his anal sphincters are simply mismatched with your erection diameter.

Let me know your and his reaction to this, what  you try, and what happens.


Is 18 months of homosexual behavior still "experimentation?"
8/17/04 Q:  My 35 year old husband recently confessed to me that he has had "affairs" with men years before we met.  Even though we were able to talk openly about this I still find myself troubled over it.  He says he started having sexual thoughts of other men as a senior in high school.  In his early twenties he acted upon this.  He said there were a few different guys he experimented with over the course of a year and half.  Oral sex mostly but admitted to anal sex. At that time he decided this wasnt for him and married his first wife.  ( I am wife #2).  He says he wanted to tell me this to get it off his chest.  He says he is not gay or bisexual. He says it was just experimentation. I understand sexual experimentation but is it possible to experiment for a year and half and then decide you are straight?  I have a hard time believing that.  After a year and a half I would think that you experimented, obviously liked it and decided to continue on.  I am left to wonder if he is just in denial due to what his family would think.  Is this possible?  And after such a long period of experimenting, does the desire just go away that quick?

A:  Dear K,

The answer is "yes."  While most gay men are indifferent to or grossed out by the thought of sex with a woman, some men who engage in homosexual behavior do so out of a combination of convenience, availability, curiosity and the absence of enough homophobic bigotry.  The true test is if a man has available a woman and a man with whom he can have sex, who does he choose?

Many men in woman-absent environments (prison, the military, for example) engage in homosexual behavior, but when a woman is available they go for that every time.

I am fond of saying that in the absence of facial hair, a man's erection and a woman's clitoris cannot identify the gender of the tongue and lips stimulating them.  It is our intellectual overlay of socialized repulsion for sex with the same gender that prohibits (inhibits) more frequent homosexual behavior.

Yes, he could have experimented for 18 months with homosexuality and decided the cost/benefit was not enough for him.  I suggest that you give him a long hug and kiss and thank him for having the guts to share something that might have resulted in rejection and/or revulsion.  And I wish to make explicit that you must have made him feel safe and comfortable enough that he could divulge this to you!

If you're still uncomfortable, I suggest talking with a psychologist for a few hours.


First intercourse:  Does it HAVE to hurt and bleed? (from a fifteen year-old)
7/15/04 Q:

Dear Dr.,
I am a 15 year old female student. My friends and I have disscused sex very much but one question we ask that we can't seem to answer is if the first time hurts. I have read romance books and articles saying that it does her and also that you bleed, also. Then there have been rumors and articles saying that it only hurts some women. My friends and I are very confused. Can you help us out?
~M and Friends

A:  Dear M,

You ask an excellent question.

In days of old when sexual ignorance was even worse, and tampons had not been invented yet, it was believed that all virgins had a hymen -- a fairly thick piece of tissue blocking the opening to the vagina.  Thus, on her wedding night, when her husband's erection poked a hole, ripping the skin of the hymen, causing it to bleed, it was thought that that was proof that she was "undamaged goods" (that he was the first to enter her).

Indeed, in Italy and Sicily, it was traditional for 2 or more aunts to hide in a closet, and when the new bride shrieked from pain, they rushed out of the closet, and cut off the head of the chicken  they were holding by the feet, directing the spurting blood from the headless neck all over the bed.  How romantic!  That was to "prove" how virginal she was.

Nowadays women routinely use tampons, and the repeated insertion of the tampon puts pressure on the hymen which signals it to resorb (sort of melt away over time).

Women who do not use tampons can insert one or two well-lubricated short-nailed fingers and with moderate force (no pain) pull up, down, left, and right for 10-15 seconds every third or fourth day and in 1-3 months they should have no significant hymen tissue left.

Most women have some opening in the hymen.  If they don't, it's a problem because it prevents menstrual discharge from leaving the body.  Some hymens have one hole; some have two or more oval slits; some look like Swiss cheese.

A woman should NOT feel pain on first or subsequent events of intercourse.  If she assumes the responsibility of eliminating her hymen, that won't be a cause of pain.

The single most common cause of pain during intercourse is lack of lubrication.  Another factor is size mismatch.  Erections come in all lengths and thicknesses, and even though the vagina can expand enough to pass a baby, that is assisted by hormonal changes during pregnancy.  For the non-pregnant woman, there is an upper limit to how wide and how deep she can accept an object, so a woman with a small vagina would be expected to feel pain if the erection attempting entrance was too big for her.

I have had women tell me that upon seeing the size of a new lover's erection, they refused intercourse for fear of being "split open," and I have had men in tears tell me that they have a monster erection and that ten women in a row turned them down for oral, anal, or vaginal sex.

Speaking of which, several women and men have told me of the woman "allowing" only anal sex because she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  I don't know about you, but I don't consider a woman experienced in anal sex to fit the concept of a virgin.  Technically, "virgin" means that no penis has entered her vagina, but one can take that too literally!

So I hope you and your friends now better understand that there does not need to be bleeding, and there should not be pain if she is well lubricated and not too nervous,   Everyone is somewhat nervous the first few times they have intercourse, and that sometimes causes guys to lose the erection and women to tighten their abdominal muscles, making penetration painful.  If you bear down like you are trying to pass gas ("fart"), you will relax those muscles and penetration will be easier (and you might pass gas!).

Unfortunately, the majority attitude in America is that if you keep young people ignorant of sex and birth control unavailable, they won't engage in sex.  That policy results in unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of diseases out of ignorance.

Learn all you can so you know what to avoid and what to enjoy without worry!

I hope this helps.


Concerned about the esthetics of anal play
7/6/04 Q:

Dear SexDoc,
       I was really happy to find your section on anal sex.  I am a 22 year old female and have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, but sexually for a year and a half.  We recently started having anal intercourse (I receive) and anal foreplay (i.e., dildos, butt plugs, oral, etc.).  On your site I kept reading that it was best to use an enema prior to anal sex.  I have not given myself an enema as of yet.  I have not found feces on my partner, but am concerned that it may happen one day.  I have found small amounts of feces on my vibrator when toying with my anus by myself, but I believe it was lack of lubrication.  If I am sufficiently lubricated should I still be concerned with my partner ending up with feces on his penis?  Also, since Albolene is a makeup remover, is it safe to have that in your anus?  If you use it should you be cleaning your anus on a regular basis or will it naturally expel the lube on its own?
Thanks in advance,
-Anal Amateur

A:  I'll have to re-read what I wrote years ago but a full enema of 2-4 quarts of water is not necessary.  A rectal rinse of 1-2 cups of water repeated several times until the rectum is empty of fecal contents is sufficient for anal play.  Small amounts of feces on your vibrator have nothing to do with lubrication.  It has everything to do with feces in your rectum or sigmoid colon (depending on the length of the vibrator and how deeply it is inserted).  With repetition, it is a brief "purchase of insurance" to rinse your rectum before engaging in anal play.  The company named "Faultless" makes a rectal syringe (do an internet search on that you you'll find many pictures) which delivers about 1 1/2 cups of water.  Inject and release 2-3 times with a rectal syringe (until no more matter is expelled and the water comes out clear) and that should rinse out any fecal matter where you want to play.  Albolene is the preferred lubricant of many ass players and is perfectly safe BUT it is petroleum based and WILL compromise latex, so if you're preventing disease with latex condoms, don't use it.  Unless you inject large volumes of Albolene into your rectum, the trace amount transported by toys or an erection will simply be absorbed into the tissue.

Let me know if you have any other questions.



What's the "normal" range of frequency of masturbation?
5/28/04 Q:

What is the "normal range" for the frequency of masturbation for women 35-45?  I am 40 and am going through a hurtful/hateful divorce and custody battle and we were ordered to take a class offered with the intent to enlighten us on how the children are effected.    Course documentation indicated that we should not initiate any intimate relationships for at least a year.  While I am not sexually inhibited when paired comfortably, and do enjoy multiple orgasms within a 5-15 minute timeframe, from once a week to once every few months, I'm curious what the "normal range" of frequency is for masturbation.  My husband took my personal sexual aids and sent them to his attorney with, what I believe to be an attempt to claim that I am a sexually deviant person or addicted to sex.  So, I was curious what the "range" was.  Also curious what the "normal frequency" is for men 40-50. He's 48.

You know and since I have you. My husband has always had fecal matter in his underwear (we've been together 10 years). He claimed it was because he didn't want to use the bathroom at his corporate office and that he couldn't hold it. But he hasn't worked there since last fall and it's still there every time he takes them off as is poor hygiene there.  In an adult male, what causes this?

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.


Dear J:

I strive to create an environment in which people feel safe and comfortable enough to ask any question whatsoever and your disclosures confirm that I have succeeded!

Once a week to once every few months is alleged to be excessive?  "Normal" is as often as you like so long as it doesn't interfere with your daily obligations of sleep, eating, social interaction, parenting, working, etc.  There is no set "norm" for women or men.  Some enjoy orgasms 3-5 times a day; others once every six weeks (if it occurs to them).  Both frequencies are "normal."  Having been accepted as an expert witness in Supreme Courts on several occasions, I would be delighted to testify that your orgasm frequency is unremarkable (and that his assertion is curious).

For him to have sent your personal sexual aids to his attorney could be considered pathological (but I cannot, nor can anyone else, diagnose by long distance).

Please keep in mind that orgasms are GOOD for you -- they are stress relievers; they strengthen your immune system (which is well known to be compromised when you are stressed), and they promote vaginal cleanliness through lubrication (self-cleaning/rinsing!).  Please, for the sake of your health, have an orgasm a day if you like.

As for the fecal matter in his underwear, while it could possibly be a manifestation of irritable bowel syndrome (quite unlikely), it could more plausibly be the result of having had his anal sphincters stretched beyond their adaptive capacity, causing muscle damage so that he cannot completely autonomically clench his anus.  In other words, he might have had something too big shoved into his rectum such that it might have ripped the muscles that keep his rectum isolated from the external world.   Maybe that's why he sent your personal sexual aids to his attorney.  If he experienced "kinky sex," maybe you did too.

Disturbed by non-sexual thoughts near climax
5/18/04 Q:  HI,

I have this problem during orgasm.  As my husband is rubbing my clit and bringing me to orgasm, I'm thinking of him, of how great this is, how this feels good, then, right as I'm ready to come and as I'm doing so, I have the weirdest images in my mind, and they change each, never to be the same one in a row.  I do have reoccurring ones though, just apart from each other.   The images are things like last night, for instance, a farmer shredding his wheat, school girls in the early 1900's running to class, living in a castle with a queen of england. Seriously, its like a short story going through my head as I orgasm.  I want to feel love or something about sex or my husband, not little house on the prairie.  I'll concentrate hard on not thinking it, yet low and behold, I do.  Any suggestions?  My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, 2 boys a normal happy life.  We have sex about 2-3 times a week, we are both into whatever the other is, I really don't see any problems that might cause this.  Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks, K

A:  Dear K,

This is common and often interpreted as a way to deal with an internalized image of "Nice girls don't like sex."

In the first place I encourage you not to be too concerned -- it is an escape from being responsible for feeling sexual.

You might enjoy obtaining a copy of Nancy Friday's books "Men in Love" and "Women on Top" and experiment by reading out loud from the books while your husband stimulates you to orgasm. Trade with him event by event with his reading out loud as you stimulate him to orgasm.

If you do this there is a good chance that when you are next engaged in intercourse, you will flash back to one of the fantasies in those books and that that will intensify your orgasm

If this self-help doesn't work and you're still bothered, please see a sex therapist in person.

Please let me know what you try and what happens.


15 yo cousin is about to have sex with a 19 yo.  Should I intervene?
5/3/04 Q:  Dear SexDoctor,

Hi, I have a female cousin who is 15 years old and gay or Bisexual, who is about to
enter into a relationship with a female friend who 19 years old.  I have a two part question.    First Question - Is this legal in the state of California?   Second Question -
  I'am afraid that this female who is 19 years old will take advantage of my female cousin who age 15 and a virgin.  This 19 year old female has already express so call feelings for my 15 year old cousin, Is this normal lesbian behavoir here, or is something wrong here?   I support my female cousin decision to be lesbian or bisexual but feel that the age gap is to much to bare.  After all my cousin is a virgin and her friend is 19 years old an experience.   Please help me, Thank you


A:  Dear L,

It is illegal in California for anyone to engage in "lewd and lascivious acts" with any person younger than 19.  Up to and through the 18th year is "San Quentin Quail" and only starting on the 19th birthday is a Californian considered to have "consent."

You mentioned "virgin" twice and I wonder if you are concerned about vaginal penetration.  It is a misguided heterosexual male myth that lesbians use dildoes etc., to penetrate their partners vaginally.  A minority do, but most don't.

You are well grounded to intervene -- think of it not as a lesbian event -- ask yourself if you would object if  the 19 year old were male.

Constantly neutralize the gender and if any question makes sense regardless of the genders (15 yo male with 19 yo male or female, etc.), it is valid.

In the realm of child abuse, the general rule of thumb (which I believe in clinical practice is too broad) is 4 years age difference.  If a 10 yo touches the genitals of a 6 yo it is considered "sex play" but if the younger is 5 years old, it's prima facie sexual abuse.

Call the police for more intervention advice.  Your cousin is impressionable and vulnerable.  She shouldn't be sexual with ANY other person regardless of orientation until she is more mature and can handle the emotions that arise!!!!


Female Ejaculation revisited
1/19/04 Q:  Hiya sex doc, Ive got another question for you.. i had written to you a couple of years ago.. signed 'bionic box' dont know if you recall, it was in response to a girl saying her mouth would go numb when she swallowed her boyfriends ejaculate.. but anyhow, ive got a few questions i was hoping you could possibly help me out with.

Ive always been intrigued by the subject, female ejaculation. Is it true is it not, is it ejaculate or urine. etc.  I have always taken time to explore and get to know my own body, i can bring myself to orgasm with ease. I had often " ejaculated" by myself, but only once when i was with someone a while ago and he was so disgusted by it that i have never done it with anyone since . Only a few times ( over a span of 10 years) when i was alone, but lately i have been doing it often because Ive recently found a new lover who is the most openminded sexual partner ive ever had. He couldnt be any more perfect of a partner for me.He is the best lover ive ever had. He is as open about sex as i am, he isnt disgusted by anything.... and he has opened me to doing all of these wonderful things that i have always wanted to do. He's made me comfortable with him, with my own sexuality .. he wants to know my fantasies and he welcomes them, as i do with his.  Ive had fantasies in my mind for YEARS that i have never allowed to come out .. but with him i am able to, and we make fantasy a reality. I have been so lucky as to find someone i am so sexually compatible with. Needless to say, our sex life is very healthy, together sharing new ideas, new things, and both of us having a very big sexual appetite.
Not too long ago he wrote me a story/fantasy of me and him, together in the shower, and while he is having sex with me, i pee on him. Knowing that he wrote that and welcomed that started a stirring in me.If he isnt opposed to me peeing on him, he certainly wouldnt mind me ejaculating like i do.Its been wonderful! Ive been doing it again now that i feel comfortable doing it. My question to you is, well.. i have a lot of them actually.. when i 'ejaculate' what exactly am i doing?? ive researched all over the web and ive come to find so many conflicting stories/studies that i dont know what the heck to believe. Regardless if it is actually urine or ejaculate, i will still continue to do it... now that i am with someone that i KNOW doesnt mind me doing it at all, and in fact loves that i do. I just wonder what it is?  When i do it, it is a completely different kind of orgasm than what i have with clitoral stimulation ( which makes sense) ... but even if i go to the bathroom and pee before having this type of orgasm, STILL a LOT of liquid is released from my body, i mean, a lot. It shoots straight up if i am lying on my back.... it looks like a fountain and will soak through 2 towels folded up a few times. When its all said and done, i can get up and go to the bathroom and pee. So is it possible that ejaculate is really urine? i dont see how i can possibly urinate that much in such a short span of time ( typically 1/2 hour to 45 minutes) .. i guess its possible but i dont have any way of knowing. The liquid that comes out of me doesnt smell like urine, doesnt look like urine, but it comes out of me like urine does. It is definitely caused by an orgasm,  stimulated only by g spot. Its not the same intensity as a clitoral orgasm, but it is definitely one of some sort. I also think about how hard it is for me to urinate when i am excited/turned on ... it is VERY hard for me to go to the bathroom. Usually takes a few minutes for me toabout female ejaculation...ems calm down to be able to.  SO if thats the case, how on earth could this so called ejaculate be pee if i am having an orgasm when it occurs, i am obviously very turned on.  Im just curious as to what your views are on it.. what youve concluded or not, through research. You, having more access to the medical part of it than i do, im just wondering if you can share some information which i would love to know.As i stated in the beginning, i love getting to know my body, understanding how it works and i would love to know what this is that i do when i 'ejaculate'.  Ive read on a few web sites about this and the studies are so opposite.One saying that anything more than 2 table spoons full coming out is definitely urine. And another saying ejaculate can equal 2 cups. I have no problems with natural lubrication, i typically produce quite a bit... so ive been told by my lovers -its an unusual ammount.And when i reach orgasm through clioral stimulation , the substance is thicker than water, slippery and usually ammounts to about 2 table spoons, its a rush of fluid when i climax.Its the same consistancy as what my body produces when i am excited ...but havent climaxed yet. But when i reach the gspot orgasm, the liquid that comes out is clear and has the same consistancy of water. SO im so confused as to what is going on!!  am i peeing when i orgasm??
any information you have on this i would GREATLY appreciate!!

by the way.. i absolutely love this web site. Its so nice to know there is a place to come with any question relating to sex, and know you will receive an open minded, honest answer, to the best of your ability. This site and your views are excellent!! its comforting to read other questions from other people, and to read your responses.
thanks again!!

I just reviewed what I had already written on the web page and there is more to be said.

Just as some women have large breasts and some are small, some women have more tissue identified as the "trans-urethral sponge," a tissue structure that is not fully understood but there is speculation that it is the female analog of the prostate gland.

Female ejaculation (FE) is almost always associated with g-spot stimulation, and the fluid is distinctly not urine.

Early anecdotal research identified only vaginal secretion of FE but more recent reports indicate that it is expressed from the female body through the urethra, which would be consistent with the "trans-urethral sponge" hypothesis.

Masters and Johnson did some pioneering research on the physiology of  sexuality, but little has been done since mostly because of a lack of funding.

In my personal experience, I have had intercourse with a woman who lost bladder control, and I have been sexual with a number of women who experienced FE and the two are distinctly different in odor, color, and consistency.

To date, the only remedy is to be prepared with a plastic barrier and towels, and to forewarn your lovers that this happens when you are especially excited, so its appearance will be a signal of what a great lover he (or she) is!

While some women do lose bladder control when they start having the involuntary pelvic contractions that signal orgasm, women with a g-spot, under the "right" conditions will have FE because those pelvic muscles are squeezing -- contracting -- the trans-urethral sponge, forcing fluid into the urethra to be expelled.  The porn star Fallon's nickname is "little squirter" because she has done this on camera so many times.

I personally speculate that because I have never heard of FE in the ABSENCE of g-spot stimulation, and because women with a g-spot report that the spot is about three inches in the vagina on the anterior (upper -- forward) wall, approximately under the pubic bone, and that stimulation of that area results in the engorgement of tissue that emerges as something that feels like something between half a pea to two fifty cent coins together, and that raised area is near the trans-urethral sponge, that the two -- the sponge and the g-spot -- are possibly different parts of the same anatomical structure.  The analogy of the three blind men each touching and describing a different part of an elephant comes to mind.


A matter of perspective regarding threesomes....
11/17/03  Q:  Subject: A question for the Doc (sorry for the length!)

Dear Sex Doc-

        First of all let me tell you that your column is an
inspiration to us, and has been for quite some time
now.  My husband and I read it aloud to each other and
sometimes even get a little turned on by it!
        There is one area that we disagree with you on,
though, and that is the issue of Threesomes. I don’t
know if you print letters that disagree with what you
believe, but here goes.
        Let me give you a little background; My husband and I
met in college, both Catholics (lots of nice
repression) and dated for about 3 years before getting
married. We’ve been married for five years quite
happily.  Before we got married I was bi/sexual, had a
few relationships with women and several threesomes.
We met and fell in love and I swung (sorry for the
pun) back the other way in fact, I became intensely
jealous of any woman my husband spoke to. We couldn’t
figure it out at first, but as time wore on it became
clear that I’d been screwed over by many men in the
past and didn't trust them.
        After a year or so of marriage I came to trust again
(as he did me) and asked if he was okay with exploring
the idea of my getting back in touch with my love and
appreciation of women’s bodies. To be honest he was a
little afraid.
        I brought it up sort of as a present (a threesome was
a fantasy for him that we’d spoken of in bed) and sort
of to spice up our sex life.
        We talked about it for a long time and then one night
we went ahead with one of my friends who knew we’d
been discussing it.  And to all of our surprise it was
truly wonderful.
        We do it about once or twice a year since (it’s been
about three years now) either with our friend or with
someone we’ve met and spent a little time with.
We’ve discussed what we’re doing openly and find it
really forces us to be honest, communicative, and to
set our boundaries with mutual respect. We have rules
that we stick to. Nothing ever happens without our
mate in the bed. He doesn’t penetrate our third. An
open loving sexual evening with a lot of laughs and
some great sex is our goal and we’ve been able to meet
        Doc I can’t imagine that we’re the only ones
expanding our horizons in this way. It’s not that
whole ‘70’s free love wife swapping key parties’
thing,  we think we have a greater consciousness of
safer sex and everyone’s feelings and boundaries in
this day and age. We’re thoughtful and kind and so far
 (three years) no one has got hurt or jealous.  We
don’t do men because he is not bisexual and I'm a
little afraid of diseases, we only hook up with clean
intelligent women who want to try something different
and broaden their experience.
        Our threesomes are not used to avoid issues in our
marriage nor are they an excuse to act out
irresponsibly.  We think what we’re doing takes just
as much work as monogamy does and probably a little
more honesty.  And it’s only brought us closer.
        BUT HERE’S OUR QUESTION!! (Sorry for the length of
this letter)   We’ve recently learned that I've become
PREGNANT! (2 months along now) and we’re going to stop
our threesomes for the duration,  but when will it be
safe to go back?(our third sometimes uses a large
dildo) After birth how long will it take for my body
to heal and for us to be able to 'play hard' again?
Is there a book or website that you can recommend that
deals with sexuality during and after pregnancy?
        And thanks for taking the time to read a different
point of view. We respect your column and what you do
and mean no disrespect by presenting something that
has served us (and possibly other readers too) very

Yours truly,


ps Our friend gave us this quote that I love; "love is
expansive and beyond definition and way beyond what
society deems 'normal' and yet we all try to squeeze
ourselves into these tiny compartmentalized boxes,  we
are this way or that way, all other avenues are closed

A:  How soon you can resume sexual activity depends on numerous factors, and your OB-GYN will be in the best position to advise you.  You need not disclose "large dildo;" the advice you receive regarding the implication of penile-vaginal penetration will apply also to other play.

Your integration of a third person without disruption of your paur bonding is rare.  Most couples are very disrupted and distressed by a threesome.  You are the exception.  Enjoy!


Troubled by fantasies of women being raped
9/18/03 Q:  hi,

i have a question.  sometimes i fantasize about women being raped, which i understand is pretty normal, but in my case sometimes i'm the one who's raping them.  if i meet a girl who is standoffish or not nice to me, or one who is really feminine or pretty i'll imagine myself raping her.  i'm a girl, so this does not make much sense to me.  i dont know why i would imagine myself to be the boy in a sexual relationship?  i'm really not bothered by the idea that i could be bi or lesbian (although i love boys and all my crushes have been boys).  but i'm extremely bothered by the fact that i want to forcibly rape other other women, not because i love them or want to be with them, but because i want them to submit to me in some way?  like a power kind of thing.  i want them to talk to me or i want them to like me or i want them to want me, or something.  this is really disturbing to me.  i just want to know what i can do about it, and if it means i'm gay or lesbian, or bi or whatever, or if its just a power play.  thanks


A:  This is most likely a control issue.  If a woman does not do what you want, your imagination jumps to what some people consider the ultimate control over women:  rape.  I encourage you to take this as a signal that you need to develop your social skills and you need to accept that at this age, your peers will behave erratically, so even if you do all you can, they might not do what you want!

And your expectation model of the world needs to include that you are likely, in your imagination, to extend this to others whose behavior you are sensitive to, from boys to parents, to teachers, etc.  Don't be surprised if you start having such fantasies expanded to other populations.

And I expect that as you mature and develop a broader range of interaction skills that this will fade.


Female "Premature Ejaculator"
9/13/03 Q:

Hello - I have a very strange question - I am a 30 year female and I come to orgasm  too quickly (with any kind of stimulation and any kind of position).  It is hurting my sex life because I come way too quickly and then get board and dry while my partner is finishing.  I can, on a good day orgasm in about a minute or two minutes (and I can't control it) and I have to ask my partner not to do anything during foreplay.  I have never been a huge masturbator but I have had bladder problems and thought that perhaps because I have to pee so much (about 20 times a day) I have over developed the muscles used during sex. Please  Help me because no one can relate to my problem because 99% of the women I know have the opposite problem and think that I am a freak!  Thank you.

A:  I hate to tell you this but the only suggestion I have is based on a consultation with Chance Fisher, M.D., my consulting reproductive endocrinologist on a similar case, and that is that you get a complete hormone assay (four equal times during your menstrual cycle) to see if anything is out of balance, such as too much androgens.  If you are hormonally OK I suggest that you and your lover engage in whatever sexual pleasure -- and for whatever duration -- each of you deems to be pleasure and not boring or noxious.  Please break out of the mold that it always must be only penile-vaginal intercourse.  Tell him exactly what you want, and demand that he tell you what he wants.  Alternative sex acts -- oral, anal, frottage (rubbing to orgasm), etc. -- are the solution.

If/when you want to make a baby, get him close to orgasm before he penetrates.  Until then, enjoy a wide variety of alternative pleasuring!

What do you think?


Worried about penis stature
8/22/03 Q:  hi my name is j im a 16 year old male and i have noticed my penis does not get as hard when it erects as when i was 13 and 14 and (going through pubrerty). before it used to stand striaght up but now it slouches a little and doesnt get to the lenght it supposed to be.( i did masturbate between 13 and 15 but not any more. i think it could of caused a problem.) i have heard of pills that will make it better but i might be to young, i have also heard of penis exercises which might be the best but i dont know any exercises, so can u please tell me whats best? thank you

A:  I strongly suspect that this is just maturation, and nothing "wrong" caused by masturbation.

If it is still hard enough to penetrate a vagina it's hard enough.

Please do not let guilt about masturbation to lead you to worry that you have damaged your penis.  It changes in hardness and shape over time -- some are curved when erect then straighten out; others are straight until 45 years of age then curve slightly.

And hardness changes based on very subtle internal things -- not anything that can be affected by touching the outside of the penis.

AND orgasms are GOOD for you.  They oxygenate the penis (why you have erections during your sleep) and strengthen the immune system.

AND forget about "exercises."  There are scams that cost $$ to send you exercises to increase penis size or strength.  Don't get scammed!


The more feminine I feel the more excited I become (male writer)
8/8/03  Q:

The situation is that I have been crossdressing since I was 8 years old and having orgazism using the lingerie to masterbate. The feelings I have when dressing is fantastic. I get a very hard erection as soon as I feel my silky panties around my ankles. The more female I become the more excited I become...from shaving my legs to blucking my eyebrows to wearing all female clothing from garterbelt and stockings to panties bra slip heels makeup and the whole thing. I go out as a female and go shopping at lingerie stores and try lingerie on and masterbate with the silky material in dressing rooms.

My problem is I do not want sex with my girlfriend anymore unless I can fully dress and we have lesbian like sex.....the more I dress as a fenmale the more I want to dress...I can cum 10 times a day and have brought 5 to 6 pairs of panties in my purse when shopping....I know this is most likely a problem..what do I I just enjoy my life or find a solution.

I just love the feel of lingerie and all female clothing and makeup...I love being and feeling feminine...even after I cum...I donot remove the panties and other clothing...I just relax and act normal until I get that silky sensation against me again.....


A:  Dear L,

You have a full blown fetish and so long as you do not get caught as a man in a woman's bathroom or exhibiting yourself, and you can do your daily activities -- school, homework, sleep, exercise, etc., there is no problem except the lack of understanding by an ignorant population out there.

Keep this private and find a partner who indulges your preferences.


How big can a woman take in the butt hole (this attitude might not get him what he wants ...)

7/13/03 Q:

Hi Doc,

What is the biggest penis (lenght and girth) a woman can accomodate in the butt hole?

For the average female?

Just wondering if I am too endowed to take pleasure in the anal arts...

Later,  F

A:  Dear F,

That is like asking how tall is the tallest woman in the world?

If your girlfriend is shorter, she ain't the tallest and knowing that won't do a bit of good.

Each person, man and woman, has an upper diameter and depth tolerance for anal sex.  Your task is to find a compatible partner!


She asked her father to be her first lover and her fiance is bothered by this.

7/8/03 Q:

Hello, thanks for your time. I am a 30 yr old professional male engaged to a 30 year old professional female. We have been together for several years and have a very Healthy relationship.When we first met I told her I didnt care who she had been with in the past, she said there are things I don't know about her. I just asked if she was clean and safe which she is.
  But the other night she told me something , something she tried to tell me before but I wouldn't let her. She told me that she lost her virginity to her father when she was 18. My jaw dropped to the floor. I started to comfort her and apologizing to her ... But she just started laughing out loud. She said "No silly, he didn't rape me, I asked him to be my first and willingly gave it to him". Umm ok now I'm really confused I asked her "what the fuck are you talking about?" and this is how she explained it to me.
  She said all her life she was taught wait til you are married, don't do this and don't do that. She didn't want to wait until she was married, she told me of some woman she knew who did wait until they were married and now they are divorced and regret even giving the jerks the time of day. So that justified not waiting for marriage. She also explained how she didn't want to take a chance with some guy that says "I love you" knowing that most likely it is not 100% true and would eventually end up regreting it. So she said she thought long and hard a few years, and realized that there is only one man in her life that loves her and always will love her no matter what, he will always be there for her and never do anything to intentionaly hurt her. Yep, she told me this man is her Father.
  She has always had a good relationship with her father, and I'll admit he is a great guy. She told me she confronted her father with her "problem" and "proposition". He was shocked and very reluctant at first she said. But after discussing why she wanted him to be her first , he thought it over and agreed that it did make sense. I don't really see how this could make sense, but I'm not a father either so how could I ?
  She assured me that when they did have sex it was only that 1 time and it was love not lust.  How am I  suppose to react to this?  I know it's not normal, but I see how good their relationship is and how happy and healthy she is. I'm so confused. She tells me to this day she has no regrets. But I wonder will I have any regrets??

any comments would be apreciated

-dazed n confused

A:    Dear D & C:  The first thing I MUST say is that you need to talk with an experienced sex therapist as soon as possible, because it is obvious that there is some degree of emotional trauma for you and the longer you rehearse this, the more entrenched it will become.

I suspect that you are unable to see the forest for the trees right now so I encourage you to cut and paste this into a word document and re-read it periodically.

Please try to take a big step back and put this in perspective.  Back in the days when the masses were illiterate and only the clergy could read and write, it made sense for religious leaders to lay down simple invariable rules.  The prohibition of incest was based first on an abuse of power, and later, when more was known about genetics, on the avoidance of mentally incompetent people because of recessive genes.  The operative psychological questions here relate to trauma and coercion.  It sounds to me that neither was extant.  While you use the word "normal," I would choose "unusual" or "uncommon."  To say it's not normal is to imply that it is abnormal or pathological.  I agree that from a religious perspective it is a violation of a rule.

Her lack of regrets could stem from her sense of complete reconciliation with the matter, because she did give it substantial thought before announcing her request to her father, and she was glad it happened, or it could be a defensive justification in the sense of " ... I have to say I have no regrets because if I did have regrets and I acknowledged that, I would feel subject to tremendous criticism and ostracism, and nobody wants to feel that."  The fact that she told you strongly supports the former and strongly weakens embracing the latter.

So, was she coerced?  She reports not and seems absent of anger and bitterness.  Was she traumatized?  If she were I would look for bed wetting, nail biting, anorexia or bulimia, painful intercourse if any, a disgust of sex, serious problems with authority figures, including the police, low self-esteem, depression, confusion, and tremendous defensiveness.  It doesn't sound to me that that is how you characterize her.

She sounds to me like a competent young woman who carefully considered a variety of options and who chose to initiate her sexuality as she says with someone who will always love her.  Would you prefer that her first experience of intercourse was with another 18 year old as a result of which she contracted herpes and was impregnated?  If it were another older man -- her father's age -- who she chose to initiate her into intimate sex, would you have the same problem?  I think it is the Judeo-Christian rigid message in your brain that makes this as you say "not normal."

When I was a graduate student in training in clinical psychology I had four cases different from my colleagues.  Three were suicidal cases, which prepared me to be able to handle that (even now I have other therapists coming to me and almost wetting their underwear because they don't know how to handle a suicidal patient).  The fourth was two college men and two college women who lived together and who were engaging in three-way switches and three-ways and a four-way.  The three way switches were male 1 with female 1 one night; male 1 with female 2 another night; and male 1 with male 2 another night -- sex and sleeping together.  Their presenting "problem" was that their friends who knew about it labelled them sick and perverted.  I searched for pathology and consulted my professors and the oldest, wisest, and most sex-positive laughed and said "They're doing what they SHOULD be doing in college:  experimenting and trying different things to see what they like.  Advise them to keep it private and stop bragging about how liberal and sophisticated they are!"  And I relate that because my best advice based on the information in your e-mail is that she made an unusual decision; that she seems to be absent of symptoms from which a therapist would infer trauma; and that your best course of action is to choose extremely carefully who, if anybody, you share this very private information with.  And that you need to talk with a therapist about this soon.  You need to determine if there is a significant chance that you will have regrets before you two are married.

Please note that I have distorted your identifying information in my web posting of this.

Thank you for this question.  I know it will stir up strong feelings for many readers (and that my reply will be considered blasphemous!

If you share this with your fiance I would appreciate it if you would let me know her reaction.  But it might be better not to let her know that you have a question about regrets right now.


Size mismatch which he characterizes as he is too small (and she won't do anything but ...)
6/26/03 Q:  Sex Doc:

My situation is one related to penis size. I know it isn't supposed to matter but I just can help but feel that for me it really does and I beat myself up over it. It has gotten to the point that I shy away from sexual encoounters with my wife just to avoid the pressure of performing. I have trouble getting and staying erect because I worry about it.

My penis happens to be on the thin side. Its an average 6" long but just barely over 4" around. My wife seems to be on the bigger side. She had already had a child before I met her so there never was a time I felt like I fit "snug" to her. She is also the only woman I have ever experienced so I don't know anything feeling different than hers. I feel loose inside her and she can't seem to snug up with her muscles to try and make it any better. (She has tried kegeling off and on). BTW- I am 41 and married 10 years.

She likes it if I am "super hard" so that I can put pressure on her walls with sideways pressure. Its the only way she gets anything from me inside. Its a lot of work and it just hurts me emotionally that I can't provide her a little more stretch and friction with having more girth to work with. Knowing that I NEED to be so hard makes me worry about getting erect enough.  After a few failures to get or remain hard enough I worry about it even more, and it makes the situation even worse.

I don't have issues with what I feel from intercourse. I could acheive orgasm and find enough stimulation. In fact feeling less friction probably helps me last longer. I just KNOW she could feel more if I were bigger.

Another factor is she doesn't care for anything other than intercourse. She doesn't like me touching or fingering her, doesn't care for me doing oral sex on her, and doesn't like the idea of using anything foreign such as dildos. So all the pressure to please her gets put on my skinny cock.

I see so many beefy big thick cocks in porn that fill the women so tight*. I joined an adult picture chat sight and the "nice sized" guys get the most arrousal from women there. And some couples who participate with nicely endowed partners tell how much they like the size of their partners member. It all just reinforces this deep feeling that size IS a factor. I feel like a pencil in a world of redwoods.

* I just got this link -- big erections!

I (sexdoc speaking) remember both a woman telling me about a very handsome man who, when she saw the size of his erection, refused penetration out of fear of vaginal tissue damage because of its size, and a man in therapy who cried because the last TEN women he had been naked with refused to allow him penetration!  There IS such a thing as too big!

How do I get control of my feelings and get a handle on feeling so inferior? According to the Kinsey stats I am thinner than over 85% of men out there. I know I can't change it, and I hate knowing that I am. I know I will never "fill" my wife like I think she would like. I still remember a time where she told me to put it in when I aready was! I just wish I could completely eliminate my desire for sex so I never have to deal with it again. Go back to like it was before puberty to where it didn't matter even having a penis, let alone worrying about size. I know those options are impossible , but I can't stand feeling the way I do. What can I do? Hypnosois, therapy? How do I change whats so ingrained in my head?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


A:  Dear S,

The expression "between a rock and a hard place" comes to mind.

First I must emphasize that I cannot possibly say enough in e-mail to adequately address this.  Seeing an experienced sex therapist would do wonders for you!  Find someone locally or come see me in San Jose, CA

Please pause to think of a few things going on here.  Fit is the relationship between the size of her aroused vagina and the size of your aroused erection.  There are women with whom you would fit perfectly and who would refuse intercourse with anyone bigger.

Her rigidity in refusing any sexual contact except your erection is debilitating, to say the least!  She wants to use your erection like a dildo -- stay big and hard until I come!  Unless you are actively trying to make a baby there is no valid reason to restrict your sexual activity to penile-vaginal intercourse!  There are women who had a loose episiotomy repair who absolutely adore anal sex because they can angle their pelvis in doggy style to get the tip of the penis to nudge their g-spot.  Plus, many of these women state that they wouldn't consider anal penetration if their lover's erection were and bigger around.

So the two matters I focus on are relativity and rigidity.  Why are you too small instead of "she's too big" -- although I prefer the Solomonic characterization of "you two have a size mismatch."  And her restriction to only penile-vaginal penetration.  A good experienced sex therapist could help if she is young enough to be flexible.  Simply put, what the two of you are doing is not getting what you want!

As I said above, I can't say enough by e-mail.  Please see a sex therapist!

What do you think?  Also, if you show her this e-mail I would be curious to hear of her reaction.


Is it OK to masturbate while he watches if that is what he asked for?  (and more worth reading!)

6/25/03 Q:   Dearest Dr. Fitz,
   I am just hoping that you remember me from about 2 years ago. I was living with a much older man at the time, who has since passed away, and he was more than 30 years older than I. You gave C and I some excellent advice and his last two years on earth were wonderful and filled with love and good sex.
    You even telephoned me one time and we spoke for about 10 or 15 minutes. I was very impressed with your candid manner and this why I am turning to you now.
    When C died I became depressed for quite some time,but thanks to my good friends I finally got out and about and just met a wonderful man a few weeks ago.
   S is just about my age, and he is dark and handsome. Yes Dr. Fitz, he is very dark; a black man.He attracted my attention the first time I met him and now we are great friends and often lovers too. Over the years I have heard so much about penis size and the old myth about black men being so big. Well, I'm happy to tell you it's true.
   We did not have intercourse until 4 nights ago, but I began sucking him on our second date. S is wonderful in that he loves to perform oral sex on me before we fuck.He says that that way if he cums too soon at least I am taken care of. Isn't that thoughtful? Last night we were kissing and hugging and I had my hand down the front of his pants. Well, what do you know; he went off right in his pants. He was disgusted with himself to the point that he couldn't be bothered eating me. He told me he wanted me to rub my clit and let him watch so that he could see my expression as I was cumming.It made me feel self conscious, but I did it for him. He was stroking his exhausted cock the whole time and by the time I had a good orgasm he was hard again. He said , " Could we do it now K?" Well I was pretty tired but I gave in and we had intercourse. He is very deliberate and slow and I love the way he pumps me with his big black hard on.
   What I'd like to know is; is there anything wrong with masturbating like that in front of him. He loved watching me cum, and the way he pumped me afterwards with that great cock of his made it worth the effort, but I just feel funny about it. Hope to hear from you.
                                                           As  Ever,  K

A:  My dear K,

Yes, yes, yes, I remember you!  I am so delighted that you contacted me again.  Please keep in mind that my mission (if you can call it that) is to encourage people to shake off their inhibitions and to enjoy their sexuality!  I have talked with TOO MANY people who have questioned why they didn't " ... come to grips ..." with their sexuality earlier in life!

No, there is NO REASON why it is in any way inappropriate to pleasure yourself while he watches, and in fact, each of you doing that while the other watches is often a sex therapy assignment to educate the partner!  Ask him to masturbate while you watch so you can pleasure him as he most appreciates it!

Please contact me whenever you want!


6/30/03 She writes again:  Hello again Dr. Fitz,
   Let me first say that I'm very pleased that you remember me. I know you are a busy man, and that you must deal with many many people. I was truly expecting you to respond by saying; " K who?"
    Well I must hand it to you. Your advice made for a most relaxing and intimate weekend. I leveled with S about contacting you and suggested that he masturbate while I watch him. At first he was almost dead set against it, but I told him that if I could watch the way he holds himself, and the speed with which he strokes his cock, I would know better how to make him cum myself. He argued and said that I do just fine. ( He does love the way I suck him off and has enjoyed the thrill of having me swallow, which he tells me no other woman has done for him.) Sometimes he even prefers being sucked to having intercourse.
   I tried not to be too pushy, but I gently persisted, and we had quite a discussion about masturbating and how some people only do that out of desperation. As we were lying there talking, I had his cock in my hand and I was stroking and squeezing it. It was getting bigger with every touch, and pretty soon it was a full erection, and oozing from the tip. S is about 9 inches long when he's hard and he also gets quite thick. I enjoy touching him and as we lay there talking I took his hand in mine and guided it to his erection. He looked at me and said something about always getting what I want.
   He decided to go ahead and began to stroke himself. I ran my hands over his body and paid attention to the way he played with his balls and such. S went at it for quite some time and was having difficulty cumming. I threw a bone out there for him, (no pun intended), and told him I would suck it when he came. That is the only reason he tried as hard as he did.
   After about 40 minutes of him pulling that huge black cock, he was getting frustrated and was wanting to stop. I offered to just go ahead and suck him off anyway, and that's what we did. When he exploded in my mouth he moaned so loud that I think they heard him a block away. He told me afterward that it was probably the most intense orgasm he's ever had.
   So even though he was not successful in reaching his own climax, it must have built up some tension in him so that when he came it was doubly strong.
   Do you think in time he might be able to cum while I watch? And; should I encourage him to do this again? I really enjoyed it and got pretty aroused from the whole thing. S performed cunnilingus on me about an hour later, which was most enjoyable.
   So thank you for your great advice. It made for a most sensual time for both of us.
                                                                             As Ever,  K
  PS.....Did I mention to you about my enlarged clitoris? Well, I had a pimple 'down there', between the labia, and saw my doctor about it. She happened to mention during the exam, that my clit is quite large and well developed. When I asked her what could cause this she told me that some women who masturbate very frequently develop a larger clitoris than they would otherwise normally have.
  She asked about my masturbation habits and although it was embarrassing to admit, I told her that after C died I used to try to achieve about three orgasms a day. You know Dr Fitz, the sex was so good and so frequent with C that I felt myself needing a good clit rub quite often. I also told her how he used to suck it at length to give me multiple orgasms. According to her, that might be the reason why it is so large.( Almost like a little penis, she said!!) Have you ever heard of this?

A:  Good for you!  Thanks for sharing.  I KNOW that many readers will appreciate your experiences!

Yes, I have heard of clitoral hypertrophy.  It is associated with long and frequent periods of excitement, and often causes the labia to permanently enlarge as well as the clitoris.  Plus there is the added advantage that the bigger it gets the more responsive it becomes.  Enjoy!

7/1/03 She writes again:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
    I have been wanting to discuss my excessive masturbation habits with you to see what you think.
   I just can't keep my hands off my nipples and they are very sensitive from my constant tweaking. I am horny all the time, and even if I have already cum a few times I am still ready for some vigorous sex with S every evening. He is a happy man to come home to a woman who is 'wet and waiting.' The first thing he does when he comes in is reach under my skirt and feel between my wet cunny lips. Yesterday, he rubbed my clit right at the kitchen counter. He made me cum, then laid me across the table on my back and ate me out. I had another good orgasm from that. Then , because he had become aroused, I sucked his hard cock and then he slid it into me. Right on the table!! He loves to have intercourse and I get so excited when I feel him spurting inside me.
   Do you think that six or seven orgasms each day is too much? Please let me know...I feel possessed by the sex-devil.
                                                       Yours,  K

A:  Keep in mind that some people are tall, others short, and for some an orgasm every six weeks is enough and for others, six or more a day are satisfactory.  I had a patient who had 14 orgasms a day.  Five on his first job (as a lineman for a phone company), five on his second job (as a lineman for an electric utility) and four during intercourse with his wife -- in about 20 minutes and without losing the erection until he withdrew and fell alseep.  He came to me alarmed because for three days in a row he was able to have only three orgasms with his wife!

I encourage you to consult your primary care physician or a reproductive endocrinologist for a hormone assay just to make sure that nothing is imbalanced.  And as for whether 6 or 7 a day is too much, my only reply is whether you think it is interfering with your daily routine.  If you avoid social or professional responsibilities or don't get enough sleep or you masturbate when you should be doing something else, it might be a "problem."  But if you think your life is balanced, hey, do what feels good!

7/8/03 Again:

Dearest Dr.  Fitz,
    Although my masturbation does not really interfere with getting things done, I manage to find ways to masturbate 'while' doing things; ie, rubbing my hard nipples against the edge of the table while cutting vegetables for salad, and strapping a long rubber cock to my leg and wearing it while walking around the supermarket etc....I must admit that the feel of it slipping in and out of my wet vagina is practically intoxicating, and oh so naughty out in public like that.
   Another thing I have been meaning to ask you is whether or not it is a sign of a lesbianistic tendency that I am very aroused by the sight of naked women performing oral sex on each other. I become very wet and usually end up touching myself, you know? Also seeing them suck each others' nipples is great.
   S gets very excited by this and has suggested that we invite another woman to join us sometime. I would really love to have the pleasure and experience of another womans' tender and probing tongue on my clitoris, but am afraid she would fall in love with S's exotic black cock. He says that he would love to see us eat each other and then have one or both of us suck and fuck him.
   We are thinking of doing this and I am pretty excited by the idea of being with a woman. I have always been aroused by other womens' bodies, especially nice breasts with hard nipples. What do you think I should do?
     Thank you so much for your help; you know we had a glorious 4th of July weekend and S is getting very good and relaxed at beating his big black cock while watching me rub my clit, and we owe the excitement of that to you. He actually spurted twice in a 4 hour span of time; once down my throat and once inside me. I had about 5 orgasms. Thank you Dr. Fitz..
           Hope to hear from you again...........       Sincerely,  K

A:  My dear K,

I do not anticipate what you will communicate next, and the image of a dildo strapped to your leg slipping in and out of your vagina as you are walking around the supermarket will forever alter the way I look at women in the grocery store!  And I thought those big grins were just general happiness!  I have heard of guys who like anal stimulation doing that with the dildo in their rectum, and I am inspired to wonder if you might have a heart attack from over-stimulation if the dildo strapped to one leg was in your vagina, and a dildo strapped to the other was in your rectum.  With each step, one would slide in as the other was sliding out!  If you try it, please let me know what your reaction is.  That conjures up quite an image for me....

We live in the context of Judeo-Christian repression, and there is a difference between being a lesbian and an erotomaniac (I prefer the kinder-sounding term "erotomane").  That the idea of women pleasuring each other or one (or more) pleasuring you allows for the inference of homosexuality ignores the broader perspective of polyamory.  How about the suggestion that you succeeded in avoiding the internalization of needless sexual repression so that now, as an adult, you can make informed decisions as to your conduct.  That having been said, your expectation model of the world needs to include the possibilities that S will be more excited about the "new woman" because novelty is stimulating in itself; that he might feel left out if you two females get into it hot and heavy and ignore him; that he might lose his erection at an inopportune time; that one or two of you might want to repeat the experience and two or one does not; and that having not had that experience before some of what happens is literally unexpected.  I suggest that you and S promise each other that a condition of having the three-way is that it will not terminate your relationship.  Please let me know your reaction to the above and let me know what happens.


7/14/03 She writes again:

Dearest Dr. Fitz,
    Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I could enjoy such a pleasurable and sensual time with another woman; and with my man right there also getting pleasure.

    I believe I told you that S was bringing Janie home with him on Friday. I was so excited, but somehow managed to put together a lovely pasta dinner for us all. ( I am not a great cook, but I do make a good dish with pasta and hot sausage.) The three of us made plenty of jokes about that not being the only hot sausage in the room. I could see that S was aroused even as they came through the kitchen door. He was at least as excited as we were.

   We tried to eat slowly, but were very eager to get to know each other better. I knew I had met Janie before, but forgot what nice curves she has and how voluptuous she is. I felt even more excited once they were here, and anticipated a good time together. Her body is scrumptious!!

    Seems that Janie has been involved with the threesome lifestyle before, so she was like an old timer at it. We sort of took her lead and just let things fall into place.

She is about 8 years younger than I am, but has quite a bit more experience sexually than I've had. She was married awhile ago and said that she and her husband were swingers, and often had group sex with another couple. After her divorce, she started taking part in threesomes with friends and such. She claims to love the touch of a womans' tongue as much as the feel of a mans' hard penis, and was quite orgasmic with both S and I.

    After we ate our dinner, she helped me clean up at the sink, and gave me a full, wet kiss which sent a shiver through me. She was groping me and had her hands inside my blouse. She is definitely a 'nipple lover', and sucked mine right there in the kitchen.
   We went into the great room after that, where S was waiting for us. He had changed into his robe, and was already stroking himself. He asked us to make out for him, so that's how things got started.

   Throughout the night, S had intercourse with each of us, and he ejaculated a third time in the early morning hours. He enjoyed watching Janie and I perform oral sex on each other, and we were both amazed at how adept I was at sucking her clit. She has multiple orgasms and even kind of squirted me once.

   S was masturbating while he watched all of this, and when Janie performed cunnilingus on me he exploded when I did.  She was very good at what she did to me, and as she sensed my orgasm approaching, she slid her pinkie up my butt. Oooh, it really heightened the pleasure for me.

    After she had brought me off, S insisted that he was ready for intercourse with me. As he pumped himself into me, Janie proceeded to rub my clitoris and I had yet another orgasm.

    Since S had just climaxed, it took him quite awhile to ejaculate, but somehow he was very hard as he rode me, and the feeling of Janie's fingers rubbing me was incredible.

    Dr. Fitz, this was an amazing evening and each of us was pleasured over and over.
We did talk a good bit about how we want to handle this, and have decided that Janie will visit with us once a month over a two night weekend. She told us that she has just ended a threesome relationship she was involved in and has been 'hungry' for something new. ( S is the first black man she's been with and it was a great turn on for her.) She also complimented me on my capabilities insofar as giving her a few orgasms. She told me that I'm a natural!!

    I am finding myself thinking about her a lot since Sunday evening, when she went home, and I become very aroused just envisioning myself at her full breasts, sucking each nipple. She became very wet from that.

    So far, so good; any thoughts?
                                                                       Yours,  K

Is anal sex on a straight man normal for some men?

6/25/03 Q:   The man I am seeing enjoys anal sex, meaning me using a toy on him.  He is worried this is a gay trait.  I don't agree.  Is anal sex on a straight man normal for some men?


A:  Dear T,

I have answered this question many times because it keeps coming up.

BOTH genders are richly endowed with nerve endings in the anus, and 99% of people -- both men and women -- are embarrassed about their positive response to anal stimulation.

Homosexuality is defined by the gender of the sexual participants, not by the nature of the activity.  I am fond of countering:  If a lesbian likes to lick her lover's  clitoris, and a man does that, does that make him a lesbian?  And if a gay guy stimulates his lover's anus, but a woman does the same to her man, does that make her a gay guy or her male lover a gay guy?

Puleeeze, people  --- there is a reason why the videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend" are so popular! (see good vibrations about this)

Anal stimulation is much appreciated by many men, and prostate stimulation is likened to the "male g-spot," so the greatest danger you run is that he will become your sex slave and do WHATEVER you want so long as you continue to stimulate his anus (and prostate).

By the way, Albolene moisturizing makeup remover is a GREAT lubricant for ass play because it doesn't evaporate.  The only drawback is that it is petroleum based so cannot be used with latex.

Enjoy and think about what you want in return ....


Cunnilingus from a dog until eighth grade and guilt and orgasm problems now

6/19/03  Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
       I am a 28 year old female.  I can't remember exactly when this happened because I was so young.  My mother owned a kennel and at some point a dog performed cunnalingus on me.  I don't know if I initiated this or the dog.  In fact I can't remember the first time.  I do remember being very young and engaging in this behavior many times until I was in seventh or eighth grade.  Before this time I guess I knew it was wrong because I did it in secret.  But when I got to this age I guess I finally realized why.  Anyways, the point is that I stopped doing it and since have just masterbated to the memory.  I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 because I was so scared to have sex, and when I did I was so drunk and high I didn't really know what was going on.  Since then I have had relatively normal relationships.  The main problem is that early in the relationship I would climax regularly, then it would progressively become harder and harder until I stopped with that partner.  Now I'm in a relationship with a man that I want to marry and I can't climax with him anymore.  Typically I just masterbate and rely on those old memories.  I can't tell him my past because I'm so ashamed of what I did when I was younger and I'm ashamed of what I have to do to climax.  I'm afraid that my inablity to climax with him is going to cost me this relationship and I just want to be normal.  I've tried fantasizing while he performs oral sex but then I feel so guilty I get frustrated and I don't get off even when he's done it for an hour or more.  Then I feel guilty he's been down there so long.  I don't know what to do, I read an article that said that people can be conditioned out of sexual deviations but I can't find any step-wise directions.  I can't go see a therapist because I know I couldn't tell this to a person's face.  I've never told anyone and I can't convey how horribly shameful it is to try.  Any advice you could provide would be tremendously appreciated.

Sincerely, Ashamed in MD

A:  Dear Ashamed in MD,

I fear that you have internalized the hell fire and damnation attitude of religion regarding something they can't control.

Sexual contact with animals has gone on for many millennia, and it sounds like
yours started before you really knew about the birds and bees.

Your assertion that "I guess I knew it was wrong because I did it in secret" is probably a more mature overlay than what happened.  When we are toilet trained around 24 months of age, we get the message loud and clear that some things are "bathroom" things and are done in private.  Anyone observed touching his or her genitals is also given a strong message that one does not do that in front of others.  I suspect that if you were "only" humping a pillow, you'd do it in secret even though it was not wrong (unless you believe that masturbation is a sin).

It felt good and no harm was done to either mammal (you and the dog), and my take is that the punishment is grossly out of proportion to the crime, by which I mean that in the grand scheme of things, what happened was a harmless experiment in pleasure, for which you are paying a price that I think is needlessly onerous.

So my first suggestion is that you stop beating yourself up over that!

Secondly, many people are quite sexually responsive to a new partner, to have that become less and less exciting, so it might just be familiarity -- the wearing away of novelty -- that is kicking in.

Third, PLEASE fantasize about anything that works for you without guilt!  I have had women in therapy tell me that during intercourse with their husband the only way they get off is by fantasizing the most outrageous things, like being fucked by a horse, in three orifices at once, in public on display, and other variations on themes of grandiosity (a queen allowing the studliest palace guard "service her"), humiliation (read "The Story of O" for an extremely accurate and, for some, extraordinarily erotic, explicit novel), infantilism (I'm a little girl getting raped by this nasty old man), and other themes.

Fourth, re-read what I have written in the link to "female orgasm matters" on  Why expect his ministrations to get you off?  There is no reason why you can't touch your clitoris during vaginal or anal intercourse in the doggy position.  Even in the missionary position, if he's "riding high" enough, you can get your finger(s) on your clit.  But you know better than he when to change the tempo or the location of the touch!

Please break out of the debilitating mold that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse.  Unless you're trying to make a baby, you can take turns pleasuring each other to orgasm by giving explicit directions.  I knew a woman whose most explosive, violent, and satisfying orgasms came from having her clitoris rubbed vigorously while getting finger fucked anally and having her nipples bitten just below the pain threshold.  Another -- absolutely true because I was there, between marriages -- made it clear that because she had the most powerful orgasms while suckling, that her preference was to give oral sex to a man as her exclusive form of sexual encounter.  Incidentally, the first time she did that to me, when she began to convulse in orgasm, I thought she was having an epileptic fit, and the fantasy of her biting my penis off resulted in the immediate loss of erection.  But once what was happening was communicated, on subsequent days she would say "I really feel like having 5-7 orgasms.  Is it OK if I suck your cock right now?"  Several men have divulged in therapy that because their wife is too loose, or too wet, etc., that their preferred sexual activity is to get a hand job while she stimulates the prostate by finger, dildo, or butt plug.

So I encourage you to fantasize about whatever works (keep it your secret so it is still private), get in touch with what combination of stimulation works for you, and feel free to touch yourself during sexual contact with him.

If you appreciate this advice (you and other readers for whom it is appropriate, because I am posting it), please respond with your reaction and what you do based on this e-mail reply.


His penis curves to the left and he fears rejection

1/8/03 Q:  Dr. Fitz,

Let me preface the e-mail by saying that I think I've exhausted all the
materials on your website in a rather short period of time. If anyone asks
me the exact percentage of women who do not achieve orgasm through vaginal
intercourse alone, I will strangle them with my own bare hands, provided I
am able to see them as I am currently still cross-eyed. That said, I would
like to flesh out something in regards to male genetalia with you, "mano a
mano," as I can see you are a wise and handsome chap.

I am 21 years young and have never been in a sexual relationship. I have a
question about my erection in that it curves as far left as the Swedish
welfare system. That's exaggeration, of course, so let me give you an actual
measurement: it's about a 24 degree bend that begins maybe two inches out. I
actually calculated it, I'm proud to say. Re-learned how to use the
protractor and everything. I was one of those kids who used to sneer "when
am I EVER going to use this?" in Geometry class and now realize why I never
received a proper answer: she couldn't just say, "You'll need it when you
get older and want to accurately calculate the bend in your erect penis."

The information that I've gleaned from your lengthy Q&A postings is that  a
"little curve" is common. The only actual statistics I've seen on a more
precise amount than "little" is "under 30 degrees" - about the curve of a
banana, according to the Men's Health website. This lengthy dissertation is
to show that I've come to accept my erection as being "common" and not an
affliction, and I'm comfortable with that.

However, regardless of its commonality (and I've seen no statistics on just
how common it is), are there any women who long for an erection that is more
akin to a banana? I trust the answer is "maybe" but I fear that they are
probably few and far between, although I have no way of knowing, admittedly.
One of the questions on your site dealt with a woman who was having trouble
climaxing, most certainly due to a lack of clitoral stimulation, but
questioned whether her partner's leftward curve was to blame. I understand
the proper answer to this question, but the quickness to assign blame to the
curve is something that distresses me greatly.

The question, at last, is how often you hear about, in your experience as a
sexual counselor, problems that arise from curved erections, and anything
else you can tell me about potential conflicts that could arise because of a
curve. Specifically about those six inches in length and between 23 and 24
degrees to the left - ha ha.

Thank you and God bless,

A:  I am so impressed with the articulation of your question that I am tempted to post it!

No one knows how common penis curvature is, but it is known to often change over time and to inspire delight in many women.

While the "bends up then down" is most often associated with  additional clitoral sensation, women also report the "different" stimulation from left and right bends to afford "special" sensation.

In the final analysis you have what you have and in the sense that women with small breasts are reputed to have especially well-honed stimulation skills (such as superior oral sex or prostate massage technique) to compensate, men with a curved penis sometimes compensate for this self-identified deficiency with better cunnilingus or other foreplay techniques.

Please accept what you have as your given and complement your penis with all the woman-pleasing skills you can acquire.


Link to Answers #36

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