Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.
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A: OOooooh, I LOVE this question!
The missing ingredient is the question of what you do when you conclude that once a week is not enough. And, his reaction. If you initiate sex at a time that is not obviously inappropriate for him (as he's leaving to go to work or in the middle of repairing the family vehicle, for example), and he consistently refuses you except that once a week time, there is a problem.
If you don't initiate, he might be hesitant to do so for fear of rejection, or because he thinks he is being considerate in not "hounding" you.
The psychologically healthiest interaction is for one to approach the other and state what he or she wants (e.g., "I'd like to make love with you"). The respondent has three categories of response:
I. I'd like that ...
A. Let's do it now, or
B. How about after I ... (put the kids to bed, put the tools away, make an important call)
II. I don't feel like penetrating/being
penetrated right now but I'll participate with you.
A. She: "I'll put some lubricant between my thighs and lie on my side and you can lie behind me and slide your erection between my thighs. When you ejaculate I'll have a tissue ready to catch it.
B. He: How about if I use my mouth or fingers or I can stimulate your nipples and anus while you give yourself what you know is the right kind of clitoral stimulation by hand or with a vibrator.
III. I'm really not in a good head space to do anything sexual. How about you retire to the bedroom and take care of yourself. We'll both know what you're doiung, it's OK, and I'll hold your calls.
Having said the above, the only TOO MUCH masturbation is if it takes away from daily functioning of work, meals, housework, sleeping, and making love with your spouse. If you're getting all the sex you want from him, and he's not letting obligations go because he's masturbating, then there is no "too much."
If you appreciate this suggestion, please get back to me with an answer to who initiates, etc., and what you or both of you think of the above protocol.
DEAR DR.. FITZ,
I HAVE LIVED WITH THE SAME MAN FOR OVER 9 MONTHS. YESTERDAY, I FOUND OUT THAT HE GETS ON THE COMPUTER AND GOES TO LESBIAN CHAT ROOMS AS A FEMALE, IN HOPES OF GETTING A VIEW OF SOME LESBIANS CAM. HE ALSO HAS CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM. THIS SEEMS TO TURN HIM ON AS HE OFTEN IS AROUSED AFTERWARDS AND WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. I COULD PROBABLY UNDERSTAND IT MORE IF HE WAS AN ORAL SEX MAN BUT HE IS NOT. I DO NOT PERFOREM ORAL SEX ON HIM(HIS CHOICE) AND HE WILL NOT PERFORM ORAL SEX ON ME. IS IT ME OR IS HIS WAY OF TURNING HIMSELF ON STRANGE? ALSO, I HAVE OFFERED YO DIRTY DANCE FOR HIM AND GIVE HIM A LAP DANCE AND HE SAYS HE IS NOT INTO KINKY THINGS!!!! SO, WHAT AM i TO THINK???
A: Dear J,
Our lovemap gets imprinted very early in our life, and trying to make sense out of it as mature adults is often impossible.
While those of us trained in human behavior can speculate about passivity or a man " ... getting in touch with his feminine side," it might just boil down to his having heard about lesbians as a teenager and the naughty unknown fantasy might have been extremely eroticizing.
The ultimate question is whether your sexual needs are being taken care of. If you assert what you want and you get it and he is not breaking any commitments (such as monogamy), I suggest that you "let him have his fun."
After spending literally HOURS reading through your website (a real
pleasure), I found that nobody had asked my question, so here goes:
I am a 35 year old woman in a solid and wonderful (5 year and due to
be married) relationship with a 40 year old man. Our sex life is great:
we are well matched in terms of physiology, frequency, and honesty. We
both derive a considerable amount of sexual pleasure by consciously "pleasuring"
I particularly enjoy giving my partner blow-jobs, and (having paid lots
of attention to his responses) I am able to bring him to dramatic orgasms
this way. To keep things interesting I am always looking for new ways to
make the experience more exciting.
Last night I asked him what I could do to make his blow job even better
and he admitted that in previous relationships the act of the woman swallowing
his ejaculate (and *knowing* in advance that she would do so) gave him
a psychological thrill that boosted his orgasm.
While I do not object to the taste of his sperm I have only rarely swallowed
when he comes, because I have found (in all of my sexual encounters) that
it gives me a mild stomach ache. Now I would like to know if
a)how common is it to experience indigestion from swallowing sperm?
b) is there a way to overcome the indigestion so that I can swallow
thanks for your response,
A: Dear M,
First, we don't know the frequency of intestinal discomfort from swallowing because few people talk about this
second, for your information, while a minority of people are allergic to their partner's semen, for the most part there is nothing noxious in semen to cause a stomach ache, so it might -- I said MIGHT -- be psychological
third -- it is the perception of swallowing that turns him on. It's an acceptance and power thing.
Many a woman has said she will swallow but who "lets" the semen ooze out around her mouth and smears it around the penis as a lubricant with her hand.
If it gives you a stomach ache, fake it and tell him if you have to!
p.s. Because you said that you are looking for new ways to make it exciting, I suggest that you consider incorporating ass play with the blow job. Lubricating the middle finger of one hand (only short fingernails allowed), circle (read "tease") his anus in progressively smaller circles, then pulse on it, pushing slightly harder each time, and when you penetrate, insert the finger as deeply as is comfortable for you, then push the pad of your finger toward the front of his body (toward the pubic bone). If you can feel a bilobal mass (feels very much like the tip of your nose -- two lobes withj a valley inbetween), that's his prostate and gentle rhythmic pressure on it is pure ambrosia for many men.
If the prospect of having your mouth and nose that close to your finger in his rectum bothers you, do the prostate massage during a hand job instead of a blow job. But beware: You might just turn him into your eternal sex slave if you do that.
About a year ago I was preparing for a sigmoidoscopy
with a coupla Fleet's Enemas. My wife administered
them and boy did I find that erotic! At any rate, I
have discovered a side (bottom side) of myself of
which I had been unaware. I find I'm pretty intensely
anally erotic. That said, it has become a great
source of pleasure to be on the receiving end of an
erotic enema. I'm mid forties, just for reference.
Problem, I now fantasize about being anally
penetrated. Plugs are not satisfying. I would just
love to experience a penetration. Of course, morals
and fidelity issues have dissuaded me from seeking
that "end". Is this an unusual response? Do you have
any suggestions as to how this urge might be satisfied
without doing something that I might regret?
I have never divulged this fantasy to my wife, and
would be reluctant to do so.
I do not think I'm latent homosexual, but.....
A: Dear E,
What you describe is quite common but seriously hush hush mostly because of ignorant homophobia. As I have said many times before, homosexuality is not defined by the nature of the activity but by the gender of the participants!
The anus is richly endowed with nerve endings for both genders, and anal penetration can be g-spot stimulating for women and prostate stimulating for men (if done with informed technique).
Your best chance is to identify something your wife particularly likes sexually, and to use that as a springboard. Your dialogue can go something like "I notice that when I (behavior that excites her) you get really turned on by that. Each person has different zones of excitement, and I discovered that when you were giving me the Fleet enemas last year that I found anal contact to be intensely stimulating. I'd like to explore that by experimenting with toys and touch there. Maybe you'd find that enhancing also.
E, there's a reason why the videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend I and II" are popular!
Many people rinse their rectum and play with butt plugs or a strap on harness (if you get one, make sure it's a well made leather model with leather straps and D rings -- the cheap ones are worthless). And more than one woman has commented after butt fucking her male lover -- "Now I have a better understanding of why you guys like having a hard dick," and more than one man has observed "I have a better understanding of being relatively passive and being penetrated."
Remember that in the privacy of your bedroom you two are adults and can engage in consenting acts.
Don't be surprised if by introducing something new for you, your invitation for her to introduce something new might open the door for her to suggest something she'd like to try. Anal sex for her? In sex therapy I never cease to be surprised when the proposal of a new activity by one partner role models that it's OK for the other partner to also divulge what he or she would like to try.
Go for it!
Low Sexual Desire
5/22/03 I wrote to you a couple of years ago(from a different
I stated that I was a female in early 20s in a longterm hetero relationship. My problem was that I totally lost my libido, and wasn't excited sexually by anything(people,books, movies) any longer, except for new people(one night stand kind of situations). I could still orgasm from a vibrator, but it was more of a "sneeze" feeling, than a sexual vavoom. You recommended hormonal assay, and sex therapy, and remain with my boyfriend(if everything else was fine). Here is an update almost 3 years later:
I did get an assay, which came back normal. My gyn decided to put me
on low doses of testosteron as an experiment. It didn't work, although
the doses were so low that as the pharmacist put it "at this dose there
is almost no probability of side effects", so maybe that's why.
I never did go to therapy of any kind, mostly because it's expensive, and hard to find a good therapist.
Sex remained horrible, in a not painful, eventless kind of way. And eventually it got down to once every couple of months.
And then I met HER. Which is really bizarre because women never did turn me on. And all of a sudden erotic images, written and visual, started working again. My boyfriend still didn't. My relationship was explicitly not monagomous, so I was free to investigate. Thinking that it's probably a phase, I told her, and surprisingly enough she was more than willing to see where it would go. I say surprisingly because of her puritanical background. She was of the "no sex before marriage" type as far as I knew, and was a virgin. She had never even considered having sex with women before I told her I was attracted to her. (Sideline: do not think that she in any ways thinks that sex with a female is not sex, so she "remains pure", or some other stupid excuse. After a tragic event in her life, well prior to our meeting, she reviewed her approach to life, and I guess changed it. She is also older than I am, so she had some of the "what am I waiting for" doubts).
Not surprisingly in the begining it went very well where arousal was concerned. I, however, expected it to disappear once the novelty of it wore off. It didn't. To make a long story short, I broke up with the guy(our relationship got better because of it :)), and now have been with the girl for well over a year. In fact I have been living with her for the last 6 months.Sex with her is really better than I even thought possible(with anyone). In fact I am doubting that I actually orgasmed with guys before. And not only am I easily aroused thru imagery of any kind, I also "taught" her to enjoy it. And for the first time in my life I seem to be totally at peace with being monogamous, since I simply do not want to be with anybody else.
Of course our relationship is not without problems, but they aren't scary, and I am confident with time they will be solved.
So here is a question. Neither I nor she are comfortable with sexual
identification of ourselves.
I feel totally fine being with her as I would with a guy, be it in public, or private. And my family and friends know about us.
She is affectionate in private, but not really in public. She somehow feels that it's "wrong", because she was always taught that homosexuals go to hell. (BTW female homosexuality is not against anything written in bible). She also can't tell her family, or religious friends, for very reasonable fear that they'll disown her. Although a few of her select friends know.
She tells me she is not attracted to any other women. For as long as I have been with her I have not been sexually attracted to any other living being.
Saying that I am gay, or even bisexual seems to carry a political overtone now days. Plus it's not like I am attracted to womEn, it's a particular woman that I love. So when my friends ask me if I am straight/bi/gay I say I don't know. It would be very nice of you to tell me that I can live out my life with this woman happily and healthy and never identify my sexual orientation. :)
As far as what she tells me she has a similar problem. In fact she tells me she is <myname>sexual.
PS Thank you for helping me in the past. And helping out a bunch of my friends that I have refered to you. You really are a very necessary and, sadly, unique resource.
A: Dear S,
THANK YOU for the update!!!!!
I am reminded of the retort of JoAnn Loulynn, the militant feminist, when asked what she used for birth control when she replied "women."
You probably can speculate the reaction I get from men and women with low sexual desire when I ask if they are attracted to the same gender.
So it is incredibly gratifying for you to let me know that "women" is the current solution to your "low sexual desire" "problem."
A: I knew exactly what to say until I got to the last line -- then you said it.
The best advice is to have intercourse every two to three days except when you are experiencing menstrual flow. If you characteristically have fluid leak out after intercourse I suggest a pillow under your butt to angle your pelvis -- your legs don't need to be in the air.
Just taking your basal temperature causes enough anxiety -- hopes and expectations -- and tension to interfere with conception!
In addition to lots of data from patients, one of my best friends (multimillionaire, best medical care available) and his wife tried valiantly for 3 years to get pregnant. They finally gave up and had his sperm injected into a surrogate mother. She was pregnant immediately and four months later so was his wife! They just stopped trying and made love whenever they wanted to. Imagine walking around with your two kids -- four months age difference!
So for YOUR SAKE, just make love every 2-3 days and keep the semen inside you, but aside from that, don't even think of taking a temperature of getting medical consultation for 8-12 months!
5/7/03 Q: I am 28 years old and I have been married for a little over 3 years. After the birth of my first (and only) child I started having problems with vaginal itching. At first I thought I was just getting a lot of yeast infections but then I started to pay close attention to when this problem would occur and it was always after sex with my husband. My next thought was that I was allergic to latex condoms so we switched to lamb skin condoms and have also tried going without condoms all together while I was on the birth control pill. Nothing has helped this problem. During the last episode of vaginal itching after sex I went directly in to the doctor so they could check it out while it was happening and she said I had a yeast infection but that yeast infections could not be caused by sex. The doctor dismissed my problem as being a yeast infection and that sex was not the issue. I went along with this until just two days ago when my husband and I had sex again and I am now having the same problem all over again. With close observation I have discovered that this problem always occurs after having sex, but does not occur every time we have sex. I would say it happens about 70% of the time we have sex and seems to be the worst with latex condoms but as I mentioned before, it happens with lamb skin condoms and no condoms at all. This problem has been going on for two years and I have seen two doctors regarding this issue and am coming up empty. It is causing obvious problems in my otherwise happy marriage and I am at a loss for what to do or what the problem may be. As far as medical history goes, I have always had good results from my pap smears and I have never had any sexually transmitted diseases. I would be truly greatful if you could help me in any way with this problem. My doctors do not seem to understand what an impact it is having on my life and my marriage. Thank You!!
A: Dear A,
In matters like this one must assume the role of the research scientist and repeat the experiment controlling each potential operative element one at a time, and it sounds like you have proceeded most scientifically!
Often vaginal itching is caused by an allergic reaction to the chemical composition of a particular man's semen. But the fact that you have this both with and without condoms rules out an allergic reaction to the fluid itself (assuming adequate isolation of the fluid from your body).
The latex allergy you also ruled out.
There are two other factors that need to be isolated. The first is mechanical agitation -- is it possible that the simple event of friction is stimulating the friction? The experiment is two-fold: 1) use a dildo to simulate what your husband does during intercourse -- and simulate as closely as possible -- touching yourself to orgasm if that is what happens during intercourse with your husband, etc. and 2) Try lots of added lubrication both with your husband and with the dildo -- and see if you no longer have the itching. Try both Astroglide and Albolene (moisturizing makeup remover -- many people cherish this product for both vaginal and anal sex)
The single most common cause of pain during intercourse is insufficient lubrication. Itching could easily be a symptom of sensitive vaginal tissue irritation from friction -- insufficient lubrication.
Also: You make no mention of achieving orgasm. During sexual excitement the labia engorge with blood. Orgasm causes many things including vasodilation -- opening blood vessels so tissues engorged with blood can return to their unexcited state. If during intercourse your body gets very excited but you do not achieve orgasm (however achieved) I would expect a sensation of itching.
ANOTHER possibility is ancillary aggravation. If your husband were to use unwashed fingers with pathogens to stimulate you every time it could be that, or if he were to stimulate you orally every time it could be a chemical component in his saliva. It is the total picture of what happens that I mean by isolating each possible cause.
ALSO: Some people do not know that the perfectly normal flora and fauna that serve a healthy purpose in the rectum cause a very nasty vaginal infection when introduced into the vagina, so unprotected anal intercourse followed by unprotected vaginal intercourse (or even a finger in the rectum that is then introduced into the vagina) can easily explain vaginal distress.
If you would like me to help decipher this with you, please comment on the above.
I often receive referrals from local OB-GYNs of "not immediately obvious" causes of sexual discomfort in women, and I enjoy the sleuthing required to identify the culprit.
I look forward to hearing from you.
A: Dear E,
This is a close call even considering the valuable and articulate data you have provided.
Many men consider gay activity just because it is so much easier to get than straight activity with women.
Many men are fascinated by gay sex
Yes, I have had many men and women who "discovered" that they were homosexual only after having their first homosexual sexual contact at 30, 40, 50, or 60 -- and most had been in heterosexual marriages most with children.
The only way he'll know is if he acts on it -- has sex with a guy or two -- and then either can't have sex with you (committed homosexual) or can but it's only "ok and the same as with guys" (truly bisexual). If he tries it and can't stand it, you're probably OK.
But I encourage caution.
Considering that you are only 18, I question whether YOU have enough experience to know that this is the one person YOU want to settle down with.
In either or any event, talking with an older, wiser sex therapist would likely be the best investment you ever made.
I hope this helps
I am a 16 yr. old female. I wanted to know if inserting objects ex. broom handles, carrots etc. too far in can cause me to lose my virginity. I've been looking all over for an answer to this but can never find a clear simple one that makes sense. Please reply ASAP.
Thanking You in advance,
Virginity means never having had a penis in your vagina
Inserting tampons or other objects has no effect on virginity.
Sometimes if a virgin inserts something it rips her hymen and she bleeds, but that doesn't mean she is no longer a virgin!
Most young women do NOT have a hymen
Don't insert anything dirty or too far or sharp -- you CAN puncture the lining of the vagina and it is very insensitive so you might not feel it.
Enjoy your sexuality and get better educated about sex!
A: No one can touch this with e-mail -- you two need face to face therapy, but I am taking the liberty of posting it so others can identify with your circumstance. Your wife has a serious shame/guilt/embarrassment whatever problem and you owe it to her as her mate to help her get relief from this torment (and with the side effect of significantly less inhibited sex).
When I see folks like you in therapy, when things turn
around and start to accelerate, there is ALWAYS a brief depression over
"Why didn't we do this years ago? We would have had more years of
intimate bonding and sexual fun together!"
My husband and i have been married for 7 years, three kids later we are finding out and fulfilling some sexual fantasies of ours. We have been going to swing clubs where we are meeting many different people. I have had sex with other women with my husband watching, and we both have enjoyed this. After our last visit, there was a woman who was very attracted to my husband, and him to her. I went insanely jealous. When we first started out, there were guidelines...only woman to woman contact. he had told me many times that he never wants to have sex with another woman, but now i am not so sure. Although i want him to be truthful, when i ask he says no, he didnt want to be with this woman, he wanted me to be with her while he watched. Im having feeings that he wants more, and im afraid that just based on things i have done so far, there is no turning back. what i mean by that is, i think if i stop it all, he will have resentment in the fact that"i had all the fun".
surprisingly, when all this started a year ago, we have gotten
so much closer...emotionally and physically. so i really dont want
to stop, besides to be honest, im having fun with it all....i just dont
want to go to far with it.....any suggestions on what to do?........thanks.......m
AND: I want to say thanks for taking the time for reading my question.
My problem is this,
I don't know who has the problem, me or my husband.
My husband is VERY sexual. He loves to look/watch porn. See naked women live(we go to strip clubs sometimes together, never alone) and he has some interesting fetishes. He loves threesomes and gangbangs. I will occasionally have a threesome with/for him and it has gotten to the point where he finally admits its a necessity in order for him to be completely sexually happy. He would love a gangbang with as many men as possible and only me but I have had to draw the line since that is not okay with me.
I on the other hand am very jealous and would not be okay with him being with another female. He says this is okay but it kinda seems to me that he would if I said okay and not have a problem with it.
I also would like to state that I am completly happy being faithful to him, I have the threesomes for him. I usually end up upset and dont say anything until later. I am attracted to the men we have fun with but I just dont understand how he could watch his wife, someone he is supposed to love and cherish, have intercourse with another man/men.
I am kinda upset by all this. It makes me feel like I want to cry when i know how much he likes to look at other women and porn. Is he normal? He says every guy is like this. I am afraid because this fetish is so extreme he may cheat on me. I just want to know if he is a normal guy. Also, we have made a promise to be honest with each other about who we find attractive ect instead of lying and keeping things from each other. I think this was a huge mistake. He told me he liked one of the girls we saw dance at the club the other day and when I ask him why he liked to look at her he said it was "fun". Why is looking at other women fun?? Please help. I also have some weird fetishes and I understand how important it is to have a partner accept who you are sexually and try to understand and make you happy but it seems like he presents me with things that I can't do. I would and could do almost anything as long as it was just us and never feel anything but wonderful for making him happy (making him happy does make me feel good too.).
A: Aha! You have rubbed the magic lantern and the genie has emerged! When you cross the boundary of monogamy you open a Pandora's box that allows for a variety of possibilities! I will wager that his "... never wants sex with other women" is pure lip service. Male homo sapiens is genetically engineered to diversify the gene pool and that means compelled to impregnate (or at least fornicate with) every woman he finds attractive. Polyamory works with some people by redefining the ground rules as you proceed, but most men are threatened if another man gives his woman a "better" orgasm than he does. You with another woman is "safe" because there is no competition for him, and it fulfills a fantasy of his.
Having crossed the line, your choices are to contain your jealousy and "let" him have sex with her (you decide if you want to watch or not), put an end to extramarital sex (and he might be resentful but don't worry that you had all the fun - he enjoyed watching you with other women!), or ask him not to have sex with her and worry that he might behind your back.
Successful polyamory usually redefines the boundaries further out -- e.g., sex with another person only twice and not even a second time if you feel "too" attracted to them. But, you see, therein lies an inherent contradiction: You don't want to have sex with someone you are not attracted to, but if you are attracted "too much," it threatens your primary relationship.
You two have to decide the parameters and proceed knowing that there likely will be problems. That is the "cost" for the benefit of the excitement of sex with other people.
Glad you like the site!
I am in a great relationship with a great man, and we love each other
Our relationship is great, including sexually. We've been together a couple of years and are living together. He is very loving, caring and loyal.
I was inexperienced when we met. (I was a virgin, and had never had
a really serious boyfriend before.) He, however, had quite a lot of experience.
He was brought up in a very strict family, and then he had a wild phase where he rebelled against all that.
He has been with many women, and he has also been with a man. (When he was a teenager, many years ago, he has a few sexual encounters with an older gay man.)
All this was years ago, and since then he has had many relationships with women, some serious, some not...
Also, he enjoys pornography very much. Some of this pornography is gay and some is transexual, and the rest of it is straight.
He has been honest with me about his past, and never hides the fact
that he enjoys all these different kinds of porn, and that he occasionally
does fantasize about men, or about group sex with women and men.
He insists that these fantasies are just fantasies. He says that he
is sure he prefers women. He doesn't feel attracted to men. But he does
think that any sexual act can be arousing and exciting.
He has no regrets about his past - he's glad to have tried pretty much everything.
He says that all these interests in no way stop him from being monogamous
with me. He says if he had wanted to pursue more sex with men, or anything
else for that matter, he would have done so.
He has never done anything suspicous or dishonest.
I feel insecure about all of this. I've told him how I feel, and he
does his best to reassure me, but I'm still worried.
I am worried about the situation.
I only fairly recently found out about the actual relationship with a man that he had. That's why I'm suddenly doubting everything. I understand why he didn't tell me before - it is extremely personal, especially for men, and none of his buddies know...
1. Is it really possible for a man to experiement like this, and to
be aroused by gay/transexual porn, and yet be perfectly happy commiting
to a woman? Is it common? Is it something men do but are just embarassed
to talk about it? How can he consider himself straight in spite of all
(I know many women try lesbian sex and are aroused by lesbian fantasies and yet consider themselves straight and are sure they prefer a man. Yet somehow I fear it is different for men. Is it? We always hear of men who cheat on women with men, or leave women for men... This leads me to beleive that men who try sex with men can never go back. Am I wrong? Is that just a stigma?)
2. If this IS in fact OK, if I really shouldn't be worried, do you have
any tips to keep me from obsessing about this stuff? I keep thinking about
it and worrying about it...
What do you think? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
A: Substitute your references to "gay/transexual" with "being licked by a dog" and does your question about being perfectly happy committing to a woman still make the same sense? My point is that from 17 to 38 most males are flooded with so much testosterone that even the proverbial crack of dawn is inviting. Yes, men and women experiment with a wide variety of sexual contact and make serious commitments to a contact of choice, eschewing all others. Closer to home, if he preferred blondes and you were a brunette, can you make the same -- if he experimented with blondes, could he commit to a brunette?
Because of our Judeo-Christian prohibition on same sex sex few men try homosexuality but the majority who do find women more satisfying. And some "born homosexuals" try to act straight but when they try their own gender (this applies to both men and women) they find true happiness and thus acknowledge their sexual orientation.
That he HAS tried both genders and that he AVOWS his preference for you speaks volumes. I suggest that you classify this as a major ASSET and that it reassure you that he won't "experiment" with men and leave you for a man! Think about it. If you found gay and transgender porn on his computer and he had NOT "tried it" in the past, wouldn't you be more concerned? He has experimented and sampled and has made his choice. You.
If you continue to obsess, YOU need to talk with a sex therapy shrink (those who don't do sex therapy will look calm but inside they will be wigging out).
Does this help?
3/12/03 Q: Someone told me that there was a well known "sexual response curve" which depicts sexual response as you age. Are you familiar with this? Do you know where I would find it?
A: Dear T,
I'm not sure it's "well known," and while I will describe it, the real question is why you want to see the graph. For most people it's a frustration that they're not getting the frequency of sexual contact they want and most find little solace in a graph.
There are huge individual differences among people thus the quest for a compatible partner is paramount.
Men are at their prime at 18 or 19 and go steadily downhill until somewhere between 58 and 72 when testosterone plummets and erections are impossible without Viagra. Women are at about 80% of their prime at 17 or 18 (they mature younger than males) and go steadily uphill (the genders crossover -- match -- in the late 30's) until menopause, when women "polarize." Some get very horny and want sex three times a day for decades and others lose all interest in sex.
Please e-mail back if this inspires another question, but I suspect that either your partner wants more sex or YOU want more sex. Remember -- I think there is little consolation in a graph. There might be some other factor such as sub-clinical depression, a hormone imbalance, etc., that could account for a sexual desire discrepancy which is why the best advice is to consult a sex therapist who can differentially diagnose psychological and systemic factors.
I hope this helps
sexdoc aka Dr. Fitzgerald
A: Dear A,
IF the male has any viruses, such as Herpes or aids, then yes, it can be transmitted easily by ejaculate in the rectum.
But if he is healthy, it is only a minor inconvenience in case you pass gas and semen comes out (unexpectedly).
What a service, thank you. Please excuse the long question.
My background: I was a virgin until the age of 21, mainly due to a lack
of confidence in approaching women. I am now 23 and have been in a
relationship with my 4th sexual partner for 10 months. My first sexual
experience was very poor. This was with a girl who I never dated, met in
person only once, and had been having phone sex with for about a month.
After exhaustive moral wrangling within myself about whether or not to
give my virginity to someone I did not love, I basically "gave in" &
decided to get this annoying problem out of the way for good. I invited
her over, quite frankly, to have sex. I had no sooner penetrated her &
thrust a few times....than I got up to make nachos. I guess that once I
had 'gotten in', the pressure to have 'this mysterious thing called sex'
subsided, and I was no longer interested in what was before me. Probably
in an attempt to alleviate my guilt about the whole matter, I began to
resent her, labeled her a whore in my own mind, & rudely stamped her out
of my life.
My second sexual partner had a much nicer start. We dated a couple of
times, I knew her from work, but the relationship was pretty
superficial. Although it lasted for 4 months, I never experienced
anything emotional in our sex...it was basically just fun.
My third partner was basically a one night thing. I was turned on during
'the chase', but when we finally had sex, I lost my urge (and erection)
The woman that I am with now is wonderful. We have been together for 10
months and we have had beautiful moments together. I appreciate her
immensely...but I have been having a very difficult time accepting her
sexual past, and I (we) feel that it is compromising my ability to be
sexually intimate with her and open up emotionally while having
Her background: She is 22 and has had 12 sexual partners. She lost her
virginity at 15 and had a new sexual partner (each of which she dated)
every 4 months after that until a 3.5 year relationship that ended just
before ours began. She has given an ex-boyfriend a blow-job with his
then current girlfriend helping. She cheated on her 3.5 year long
relationship. She dressed up in stockings for her male college roommate
and let him watch her insert a shampoo bottle into her vagina (to see
big she could accept.) She has admitted that many of her 4 month
relationships were not very emotionally involved, which I interpret as
being mainly about the sex.
We have had very different pasts, but I have no right to say that mine
is superior. In fact, I can't say for certain that mine would be much
different if I had had the courage to talk with women at an earlier age.
I just can't seem to harmonize our experiences. When I have sex with her
I am often haunted by imaginary images of her previous partners, the
shampoo bottle, the threesome. This instantly makes me think
consciously (& subconsciously I'm sure) "cheap," "lacking value," "she
moans this way for anybody." My own sexual past probably fuels all this.
Maybe I still feel guilty about giving in to what I perceive as 'cheap'
sex & fear seeing her as 'just like the others.'
The relationship is rich, but my hang-up here casts a sense cheapness
over our sex life. We have sex almost daily, and this problem has
limited my ability to perform many times. Much of my difficulty is
similar to my experiences with the two one-nighters. I can get it up &
in, but then lose interest. I want the richness I feel outside of the
bed to be with me always...but how? How do I learn to accept?...or might
I only be compatible with women with similar pasts? What does a person's
sexual track record indicate about them as a person, as a partner? Am I
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
A: Ah, the Judeo-Christian hangover once again causes a headache! The Jezebel is to be shunned for her enjoyment of sex! How dare she have multiple partners! Why is it OK for men to have multiple partners, but not for women?
Accept that she has had numerous sexual partners AND HAS CHOSEN YOU or find a sexually naive partner who might find you "best" now, but who might find someone else better in the future. Wouldn't you want an informed consumer signing up for your product for the long term?
A: The only way is for you to move your finger or the dildo (depending on what you're using) and to be guided by his feedback. If you did it right once you have the general idea and only he can tell you when you're "on the mark."
OK, I'm going to try to be as specific as I can be!
Here goes: About 3 years ago I was on Paxil. It was the ONLY time in my life I ever had a full orgasim (ie: my vagina moved and it was multiple).
Once my brain started to "get better" (I no longer felt depressed) I went off the Paxil.
I am now 32 and haven't had an orgasim since. I don't want to
take Paxil just for that reason, but there have been times I Have been
tempted to, because I miss the feeling so much.
I have no problem w/masturbation, or using a vibrator in front of my
partner. But I have not had an orgasim since then...
Is it possible that there are some women who simply do not produce enough serotionin/whatever creates an orgasim and can't have one?
What do I do? Is there any natural supplements I can take?
thanks for your time. I am sure there are others who feel like I do.
A: Dr, Fisher replies:
Yes, there is a very small percentage of women that
have problems or imbalances dealing with their Noradrenaline System (Serotonin/dopamine).
Problems with this delicate system are usually picked up fairly quick in
the teen years, especially during and after puberty.
There could be a possibility that you do have a chemical
imbalance that affects the Serotonin receptors and re-uptake inhibitors.
This problem can be easily found by a consultation with an Endocrinologist.
Many Endos even specialize in this specific area.
Another aspect you may need to consider is the way
that you "came off" of the Paxil. If you were not "weaned" or your
dosage was not regressed slowly over a period of time, there is a great
chance that the sudden change further affected the problem. And a
lot of people have high anxiety because they actually had orgasm on the
drug and now they cannot. This can cause orgasm problems in itself.
If I were you, I would schedule a consultation with
a Reproductive Endocrinologist and explain your problem and ask if a hormone
assay may be necessary. The assay will generally also include Serotonin
If a problem is not found, go to a regular Endocrinologist. This could be a simple hormone or chemical imbalance that can be easily fixed. It sounds like the Paxil may have caused the nerves to become hypersensitive. Usually antidepressants cause sexual dysfunction, but you are one of the few lucky ones and had the opposite effect.
As for natural remedies, Ginkgo in a large daily dose
of about 200-240 mg) can also help. BUT it does take several weeks
for your body to build up the herbal supplement, so be patient.
The drugs BuSpar and Wellbutrin may be used to help
relieve some sexual dysfunction or lack of orgasms by restoring balance
in the Noradrenaline System.
I'm a subscriber to Beth Tyler's website (http://www.bethtyler.com/)
which is where I discovered
you. I think Ms Tyler's website and your website are intelligent, much
needed services that promote understanding and health as it were.
I'm a little embarrassed about mentioning this, and I think I'm seeking
positive feedback as much as advice, but your forthright and positive
manner has promoted me to write to you.
Yes, I'm "into" enemas as sexual fantasies. I fantasize about me as
or as some nondescript young boy, or about some other adult or boy in
one of two situations.
One, the dominant one, involves being given an enema forcibly as a form
of punishment. Although I imagine being forced to take an enema as a
strict, humiliating, demeaning and embarrassing situation, I never
fantasize about being hurt and, obviously, it's always a great turn on.
As well as being turned on by the enema, I'm turned on by rectal
thermometers and, this admission being a bit embarrassing to me, by
injections in the buttock. Every now and then I actually give myself
enemas and rectal thermometers, but not a needle, although I have a
plunger type enema syringe I imagine as a sort of shot in the behind. At
these times I almost always fantasize being punished and, for example,
hold the enema in as long as possible.
The other fantasy I have with enemas is that of me as a young boy, or
some other boy I'm taking care of. The fantasy is about the boy having
to get an enema, rectal thermometer, and shot in the behind and he's
besides himself with fear. Either I, as a boy, am being comforted and
loved as I'm being respected and carefully administered to, or I'm the
one doing the "saving" of the boy in question. When I occasionally give
myself an enema I take this posture.
Of course it's not difficult for me to understand where this all comes
from. To start with my parents had a difficult time toilet training me.
Secondly, it was my mother who was the "heavy". She was angry about
something most of the time and she usually blew up over something or
other I did. I lived in fear of her most of the time. Was I ever given
an enema? I have no recollection of being given one, but without getting
into details, I know when I was very young (3 or 4-years-old?) I was
given one, I think by my father, and I think it was a pleasant
experience. I think some time later (5 or 6-years-old?), in a fit of
rage, my mother gave me an enema, I think as punishment because I was
still making in my pants. I think it was a very traumatic experience,
but this is mainly speculation. Also, I was always very afraid to go to
the doctor and get a shot. To this day I don't like getting pierced in
any way, shape or form.
By the way, even though my father was and is a great man and I love
he worked most of the time so I didn't see him much. For all my
childhood I truly felt I had no one to turn to. I lived in fear a lot.
Ergo, it seems clear to me I seek resolution to these traumatic
experiences and give love to the little boy who needed it so much.
So as not to make this a long session, I will end my preface here and
ask my question.
Although I enjoy stimulating myself this way and really have no guilt
doing so, I must admit it bothers me a little to play out the punishment
scenario. As I've said, it's a way to resolve a bad situation and end
up in a loving situation, but it seems I'm perpetuating negative
feelings and energy. I'm very much into perpetuating love, peace and
There's another aspect to my slightly nagging misgivings. I love boys.
Yes, I'm sexually attracted to boys, but I truly mean I love them. I
care about them and am concerned about their well being (as well as the
rest of humanity mind you). It seems blatantly clear I love boys as a
way of giving love to the boy I was. I accept and encourage that. By the
way, my concept of sex with a boy is holding, hugging and feeling.
That's it. (I've never had "sex" with a boy. Why? He would have to
initiate it and I'm very shy anyway.) I'd say that's where my sexual
development ended, when I was young and my friend and I were into
exposing ourselves to each other and touching each other.
But my love of boys and fantasies of being punished with an enema
certainly seems incongruous. I see where they come from and I certainly
can separate the two, but I'd be happier to resolve my punishment theme
and invest that part of my energy towards useful, loving thoughts and
activities. What do you think?
Thank you for your time and the invaluable help you provide to a wealth
A: Dear B,
We are eroticized at a very early age by all kinds of experiences and fantasies and often it is impossible to reverse engineer the links as adults because the building blocks are often inaccurate childish misconceptions of reality.
While I encourage you to enjoy what you uniquely find erotically charging for you, I must wave a big red flag around your feelings toward boys. Please enjoy them only in your fantasies, and do NOT act on them in reality. We still live in a seriously sexually repressed society and people are jailed every day for child pornography images on their computer! Hug a boy too closely and you could end up in jail.
2/24/03 Q: I am an 19 year old female and I really enjoy mastrubating. many days, I will mastrubate about 10 or so times. In fact, I just got through mastrubating. I am wanting to know if this will have a long temr efect on my sex life when I get married. And also, I have noticed that sometimes my orgasms are not as intense as what i would like them to be. Is there anything that I could get that would make them more intense? I have noticed that there are times when I litterally bruise my clitoris just trying to get a more intense orgasm. Please answer these questions for me. THanks.
A: Dear B,
As you get older your hormone levels will even out and you will both feel less like masturbating as often and the reward -- the pleasure -- will be somewhat less, so enjoy while you can!
If you marry a horny toad who likes to be sexual often, you two will likely have a match made in heaven. But be sure that he really wants to be sexual often because if not, I predict that you BOTH will be MISERABLE!
Your body needs to "recharge" after an orgasm and 10 a day doesn't allow much recharge time. Do the Kegel exercises (see sexdoc.com homepage) and make sure you do NOT bruise your clitoris. IF you cause nerve damage (it has happened too many times) it will take 6-10 months to regenerate.
I must add that there is the possibility that you are depressed and use the endorphin release as an antidepressant. If you feel depressed when you haven't masturbated for awhile you might benefit from an evaluation by a psychologist.
Plus, to cross all the "Ts" and dot all the "Is," this could be obsessive-compulsive behavior if you feel driven to do it. Again, a face to face evaluation by a psychologist might help just to rule out these things.
2/21/03 Q: i appreciate the time that you are willing to
help me out. i am a 21 year old male who has had a
caring serious relationship with my girlfriend who as
well is of my age. the relationship reached 8 months
and the both of us were comfortable about taking the
step further to have sex. both of us have had sexual
partners before this relationship.
so i made the evening very romantic and we ended up in
a hotel room. both of us were ready. after endless
kissing and oral pleasuring, i slipped the condom on
and penetrated. for about an hour the sex was amazing.
i was primarily in control during the whole act. after
this time, for no apparant reason my penis lost its
erection. i have never had a problem with that
happening before. so after self masterbating i finally
got it erect again and went back to having sex with
her..this time without a condon on. during the middle
of sex, i slipped my condom back on and i lost my
erection again. then i became frustrated and never
again regained my penis erection after efforts of
trying. i have tried to find answers to this
happening. i find her very attractive and sexy so a
reason can't be that i'm not turned on by her. could
it be that she just laid there while the whole time i
was performing sex on her? once again, i never had
this problem before. was it my problem? anything that
i can do to keep my erection during the whole scene?
A: Dear B
You are using your penis like a dildo and your expectations need to be calibrated.
Your erection is a complicated interaction between arteries that open up, veins that constrict, and massive clusters of nerve signals in both directions.
Combine that with what is called sensory acclimation -- getting used to the same repetitive touch -- and I am surprised that your erection lasted 30 minutes!
Try changing positions, making sure that your penis does not have SOME stimulation for longer than about 10 seconds.
I encourage you to use other body parts to bring her to orgasm and to remain intravaginal only until either of you begins to feel less pleasure.
Aside from that, only injections into the penis or Viagra will keep you erect for a long time.
2/18/03 Q: Dear Dr F:
My wife and I hve 3 children, the youngest is 2. Since her birth, my wife has begun to produce an abundance of lubrication during the rare times we have sex. It is to the point where everything in the vicinity gets sopping wet. At times, there is so much and it comes out with such force that it actually sprays all over my face.
Although I do find this quite erotic, there is one big problem. She gets so lubed up that when I enter her, I can hardly feel anything. There isn't enough friction to keep my hard very long, let alone get me to cum. We've tried wiping it out with a paper towel, but that doesn't work. It has become very frustrating. I haven't had an orgasm inside her in months and months. I keep trying to initiate sex again and again, I do like to have my urge to penetrate satisfied at the least, but in the end, I just don't get off in that very wet pussy.
What should I/we do?
Soaked in California
A: (Dr. Fitzgerald) Dear Soaked,
If it actually sprays in your face, I'll wager that
it is female ejaculate, not lubrication. Because you
say this started only after the birth of your third child it sounds like it is more medical than
psychological. I am sending your question to my Consulting Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr.
Chance Fisher, for her input.
If I fail to send what she says within a week, please
e-mail again -- I will find you as "11:20 2/17"
(Dr. Fisher and I inventory based on e-mail time and date).
A: (Dr. Fisher) Dear Soaked,
Although the amount of natural secretion varies from
woman to woman, when there is so little or so much that it is interfering
with your sexual pleasure, you should really check it out with a gynecologist.
A hormone assay is certainly called for in this case. Since you stated
that it is a relatively new phenomenon after the birth of your youngest
child, it may and probably is linked to a hormonal change or imbalance.
Sometimes taking birth control pills or changing the prescription can make
a difference. Also, breast feeding a child can throw the hormones off...even
after the "feeding" has long stopped.
Have your wife pay attention to the degree of lubrication
throughout her menstrual cycle. If she is on the pill, she might
notice that her body secretes more during the middle of her cycle when
she is ovulating. Find out if there are times when she produces less
lubricant and if so, capitalize on those opportunities.
Your wife should also learn Kegel exercise and start
doing it. Practice contracting and releasing the vaginal muscle that
you use to stop yourself from urinating. For more details, see Dr.
Fitzgerald's web site. No matter how wet a woman is, if these muscles
are in shape, you will be able to grip anything the size of your index
finger or bigger.
You can also try positions that tilt the vaginal opening
and make for a tighter fit, such as rear entry (doggy style) or anal sex.
Using a condom, female* or male, could give you a little more grip.
I have heard of some women inserting a tampon during foreplay to soak up
the moisture and then pulling it out right before intercourse(i.e. you
eat her out and she floods everywhere, she wipes the excess fluid away
and inserts a tampon to soak up the additional liquid and while the
tampon is soaking it up she blows you.
Right before intercourse, pull the tampon out and go at it.)
*Dr. Fitzgerald comments on the female condom: The failure rate is so high and the cost is so great that I discourage ANYONE from using the female condom until theyt are dramatically improved!
What do I think?
Well, I think a few things. First, she is not on the pill and hasn't been since this pregnancy. The baby is now almost 2 years old, so I am doubting it is a hormonal thing. I have been using condoms so I am not sure that will work. We have tried different positions, especially "doggy style". The problem is two-fold. One, I don't get enough sensation to orgasm and it generally takes me a long time to orgasm anyway, so she gets fatigued in that position.
We haven't tried the tampon thing, although we've tried wiping out with towels. That might be a possibility. There is one other problem to overcome. The scenario passed on by Dr. Fisher sounds very hot. My wife, however, in addition to becoming much wetter, has also become much less sexual. It is rare that I can get her to blow me or to do much of anything that is non-conventional these days. Quite frankly, we only have sex every once-in-awhile. She is fine if I eat her out, and have missionary-position intercourse. Getting her to do much more than that is quite a task, but I'm willing to give it a try and appreciate the help of both of you.
2/17/03 Q: DEAR DR FITZGERALD,
I NEED HELP!! MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR OVER 5 MONTHS NOW AND WE ARE BOTH A BIT NAIVE WHEN IT COMES TO SEX. WE WERE TALKING AND HE WANTED TO KNOW HOW OFTEN TWO PEOPLE HAVE SEX. NOW, I SAID EVERY OTHER DAY.I MEAN, ALL HE HAS TO DO IS LOOK AT ME AND I AM READY. HE, ON THE OTHER HAND IS NOT TURNED ON QUITE SO EASILY. I WEAR SEXY LINGERIE AND I AM THIN AND TAKE EXCELLENT CARE OF MYSELF.I ALWAYS SMELL NICE. I HAVE A REALLY SEXY OUTFIT MADE TO TURN A MAN ON THAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS AND IT STILL HANGS IN THE CLOSET WITH THE TAGS ON IT!!!! IS IT MT FAULT?? DOES THIS MEAN HE DOES NOT FIND ME SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE? HE THINKS SEX SHOULD BE ONCE A WEEK!!!!!!!!!
ALSO, ONE OTHER THING AND THIS IS REALLY TRUE. HE HAS A CAT THAT HE LOVES VERY MUCH. THIS MORNING , I PLAYED MY FAVORITE LOVE SONG THAT HE KNOWS IS THE FIRST LOVE SONG I EVER PLAYED FOR HIM. WELL, HE SANG IT TO THE CAT!!!! RIGHT NOW HE IS LAYING DOWN WITH HIS ARM AROUND THE CAT SLEEPING!! HE NEVER ASKED ME TO LAY DOWN WITH HIM!!!
OTHER THEN THIS, HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN. HE MADE VALENTINES DAY SO SPECIAL FOR ME BUT, OF ALL THE GIFTS HE BOUGHT ME, HE DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH ME ON VALENTINES DAY!!! HIS REASONING?? WE DID IT THE NIGHT BEFORE!!
AM I JUST OVERSEXED OR IS HE JUST NOT SEXUALLY INTERESTED IN ME? OH AND ORAL SEX IS NEVER DONE, BY EITHER OF US. HIS CHOICE....NOT MINE!! I LOVE ORAL SEX ;GIVING AND RECIEVING.
PLEASE HELP ME AS I AM REALLY DEPRESSED OVER THIS WHOLE THIING. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.
A: Dear J,
I have answered this question many times over, but your question is so well articulated that I am sharing it on my web page.
I am 99.9% sure that this is just a simple case of frequency incompatibility. Neither of you is "right or wrong" or "better or worse!" Your desired -- preferred -- frequency simply does not match his.
I have had couples in therapy who had sex once every 6 weeks, and a couple who had intercourse every morning and every evening seven days a week plus an hour on Saturday and an hour on Sunday being playful with light bondage, she wearing a strap-on, toys, tantalizing (play) "torture" (driving the other crazy with sexual stimulation), reading aloud from sexual fantasy books, etc. Both are "normal," and so long as each is satisfied with the frequency, there is no problem.
I respectfully suggest that you carefully consider whether you want to invest more time in a relationship that has a fatal flaw. I get this question MUCH more frequently from men than women (the guy wants to have sex more often). If you decide that you want more sex from your lover, I suggest finding a lover whose sexual desire frequency more closely matches yours!
And PLEASE, for your sake, get out of the " ... there must be something wrong with me" idea.
Think of it this way: Search your soul and come up with a number of times of sex per day that would be too much for you. Imagine that he came on to you for sex that many times. You'd feel a bit hounded, right? Well by analogy, that might be how he's feeling. He wants to have sex as often as he wants just as you want to have sex as often as you want. Both of you have "valid" sex frequencies. You just don't match.
I will wager that 80% of the guys reading this are thinking "Hey, Dr. Fitz, send me her e-mail address and I'll take care of what she wants!"
What do you think?
2/6/03 Q: Hello Dr Fitz,
My girlfriend of over one year and I have recently ran into a speed
bump on the road of our relationship. We have been sexually active for
most of the time we've been together, but some incidents along the way
led me to asking her a question to which the answer was just as I had feared.
Many times while my girlfriend and I had been intimate with each other,
she had begun to struggle a little and ask me to stop, begging "please."
When I asked her why she wanted me to stop, she only smiled and replied
that she thought it would be fun to "play around" that way. Okay, whoa!
It felt weird to hear her say that! For a while, I was accepting of this,
trying not to let my minor questions and concerns get in the way of our
relationship. However, as time passed I became much more concerned with
why such a thing packs such a punch for her.
I finally mustered the gumption to ask her why she was so "moved" by
the idea of being forced against her will during intimacy. She somewhat
reluctantly admitted to me that she had always fantasized about what she
called "rough sex"; which was later explained as being more like "rape
without the real life threat."
Now to be honest, I am very bothered by that idea. No matter how many
times I try to get around it, I end up thinking about how it doesn't at
all fit with her gentle personality, grounded faith and beliefs, and overall
All of the research that I've done has shown that this is, in fact,
VERY common. I found an e-zine web site which surveyed women on their fantasies
and this was found to be number one, and from other sources I’d say it
made that by a large margin. So I don’t think her to be weird or abnormal
in any way whatsoever. I guess it’s just something *I* don’t understand
at all -anything about it- , hence, I’m disturbed by it.
I’ve always had an extremely high libido, and I have fantasized a lot
myself. However, not once have I fantasized about raping a woman at all.
To me, the idea of forcing sex upon a woman whether or not at gun/knife-point
is horrible. My girlfriend has even told me that she greatly dislikes hearing
about women getting raped. She feels sorry for them, and whenever she has
been alone in the past, in a situation which put her close to being raped,
she was scared out of her mind. But she told me that despite all
of that, she still has this driving fantasy of having that happen to her.
In the past, I have fantasized about being in sexual situations which
I honestly don’t think I would do if given the opportunity in real life.
And, of course, this is the way the whole “rape” thing is with her. So
from that end, I can see where she’s coming from.
Personally, I’m a gentle natured person, and that is often reflected
in bed. I desire to “make love,” not to “ravage” - that’s just not who
I am. I am not a suppressed rapist, I’m a compassionate person. Every now
and then there is a feeling of just wanting to “F***” - such goes with
human nature. But I’m not the kind of person to act on that forcefully,
as she seems to desire. I’m also not lazy or greedy in bed. From day one,
I’ve made HER orgasm the number one priority ( she doesn’t know this-I
don’t want her to feel pressured to do so). I ALWAYS hold her, and I ALWAYS
make her feel content with herself sexually.
After having a talk about it, she told me that she doesn’t NEED that.
She said that I should treat her however I feel. Problem solved, right?
Not exactly. If I were to go on with that idea, then I would HAVE to accept
the (then) fact that I would NEVER be able to please her like she wants
So it boils down to this: I’m extremely insecure about my ability to
do for her what she truly wants. There is no way I will ever be able to
bring myself to forcing sexual acts on her and being “rough.” It’s way
too easy to feel sexually inadequate when you girlfriend desires “taboo”
sex which you know you can‘t pull off right- or which you're uncomfortable
with. Until I can fully understand what she really wants and what she’s
fantasized about, then I’ll have this over my head. I honestly am disgusted
by the idea that my girlfriend wants to be treated so badly... but this
is all nothing more than a lack of understanding on my part.
Doc, will you help me?
I'll appreciate any and all info you can give me!
A: Thank you for such an articulate and appropriately developed question! I admire your writing style and the richness of your descriptions.
I hope the following will help. Because of what I call the "Judeo-Christian Hangover," women are in major conflict over their sexual expression. The message of "Nice girls don't (like sex) and those who do are sluts" imprisons women in a powerful conflict where they must choose to be "pure," and deny their sexuality, or masturbate and be sexual with a partner and feel that by doing so they are acknowledging that they are somehow "lower, baser, dirtier, or less worthy."
The search for a solution that enables them to be sexual and yet not be responsible for it is the rape fantasy! The single most common theme in women's pulp fiction novels is the "gentle rape." The knight on the white charger (horse) rides in and scoops her up from harm's way, then in a moment of privacy, when he comes on to her for sexual gratification, she can yield to his advances as an honorable payback of the debt of gratitude. So by playing the gentle rape fantasy, she gets taken ("fucked" in the more decisive role-playing), thus obtains sexual satisfaction, without being responsible for saying "fuck me."
I urge you to play along with this and satisfy her as much as possible. You are NOT being the "cad" taking advantage of a defenseless wench. You are an informed lover cooperating with the path of best course by pretending to "take her" while she whimpers "please ... please" as the sequence of "stop ... don't ... stop ... don't" becomes "don't stop ... don't stop...). Amplify on this by tying her up and tantalizing her with pleasure all the while telling her that she is under your control and domination and that she has no choice but to submit to your ministrations that bring her to climax after climax after climax (G-spot stimulation could make her your slave for life).
So PLEASE do not be insecure about what she wants. Know that she wants to be intensely sexual without being labelled a slut, and take control to engage her sexually to her satisfaction. That is what her "perfect" lover will do for her.
As you proceed, be intensely receptive to the difference between the "pretend" no, and the "real" no. There will most likely be a theatrical overtone to "no, please, no, please" while there will be a distinctly more business-like "NO!" when she is REALLY objecting.
You have a challenge on your hands. Go for it knowing that you ain't perfect and that you will do the best you can and that you will learn and that you WILL make mistakes! That's OK!!!!!
And have fun along the way!
2/3/03 Q: I'm a 29 year old male that has been in a committed physical relationship w/ a wonderful woman that is aprx. 4 years younger. My problem/questions revolve around the frequency of sex in the relationship. In the beginning of relationship, we made love multiple times a week...then once or twice a week...and now, it seems frequent if we make love twice a month. When we do make love, I spend most of the time pleasing her orally to a climax and then she want actual intercourse and for me to finish as rapidly as possible. I have tried talking about this with her and usually get a response saying that 'this is normal' or that she doesn't need it any more than that. I have tried to explore her fantasies as a gateway to new beginnings, but according to her she has no sexual fantasies. I'm at a total loss when it comes to ideas to resurrect our love life. Please HELP!
confused and frustrated
A: Dear C&F,
Unfortunately, this is extremely common and I hear this complaint more often from men than women (although it might occur as often that men's desire diminishes but women complain less often). Many factors in play during the early stages of a relationship vanish as the relationship matures, and while some men and some women maintain their preference for sexual frequency, most do not.
Because this could be a symptom of a relationship problem I urge you to get an appraisal from a relationship therapist. But it it's purely a sexual frequency matter, I urge you each to find someone with whom you are more compatible!
1/27/03 Q: i wanted to know if it is physically possible for a
young girl about 5 years
old to have a orgasm? i ask because i am sure when i was like 4-5 i was
having orgasms by rubbing and playing with my clit. did it all the time. but,
i was talking about sexual stuff with someone when i was about 14, and was
asked "how old were you when you first orgasmed?" i said, about 4 or 5. and
then was told that i was lying because it is not physcally possible. so, here
i am, asking if it is possible.
A: It is not only possible, it is quite common. While some women report starting at 4-6 years of age, many say that the ability to orgasm becomes dormant from a year or two later until the adolescent growth spurt. And some women start at an early age and masturbate occasionally until hormones kick in when they then go for the gusto!
1/27/03 Q: Dr Fitz,
I am a 50 yr old woman. I started taking testosterone shots a couple of years ago for declining sexual desire. One of the side effects of these shots was my clitoris has grown and looks like a small penis that hasn't been circumcised.
My problem is that now I have a terrible odor under the hood and
can't get rid of it. I am too embarrassed to ask my gynecologist.
Please give me some suggestions to get rid of this foul odor.
Thank you in advance,
A: It is most likely smegma and it's the same thing that happens inside the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis. We are constantly shedding the top layer of skin, but we usually don't notice it because we bathe often enough. Skin on the surface of the tip of the circumcised penis and on the average clitoris is often just rubbed into underpants, but for the uncircumcised penis and the enlarged clitoris, the sloughed off skin can mix with the natural oily secretions of the surrounding tissue and cause a rancid cheese-like smell.
Washing under your clitoral hood gently with a bactericidal soap like Lever 2000 or Safeguard twice a day will most likely take care of the odor. If not, you really should ask your OB-GYN!
p.s. It is lack of frequent washing that gives rise to jokes about a vagina smelling "fishy."
1/23/03 Q: Dear dr.i got your address from the beth tyler
and i have several questions for you,i have written to you in the past
for enema advise and all is going well with that subject,but there are
several other things i like to do when it comes enema time.I have got this
fetish for complete body shaving from the waist down and wearing diapers
and plastic baby underpants when it comes time for my wife to give me my
enemas,it sort of reminds me how i got enemas as a boy i do recall that
i did wear plastic baby pants at times when i got my boyhood enemas,i was
made to wear them so i would not soil my reg clothes,i was 8 or 10 at the
time and for some strange reason i associate enemas with those plastic
baby pants and i do fell good when i am wearing them,however my wife thinks
that this is a really strange thing for a man of 35 to be doing,she does
enjoy giving me enemas when i need them but she dislikes the baby pants
diaper thing,she thinks it's really wierd for me to do that,can you tell
me how i should try to explaine this to her,or am i really sort of wierd
for doing this?am i really hooked on this baby pants thing?and is it normal
or abnormal behavior? hope you can give me some answers.sincerly yours
A: Dear J,
What you describe is fairly common and there are many web sites devoted to infantilism. We have no precise data because this is so secret for most people but there is no reason to believe that more men than women enjoy this.
I encourage you to emphasize that she has created an environment in which you feel safe enough to divulge your sexual secrets and that you appreciate her indulging you, and that you would like to reciprocate by having her identify anything out of the ordinary that she would like or like to try so that you can each indulge the other.
By opening that door she might find that there is something she likes that you do not particularly enjoy but that you do because you know she likes it, and that she might then indulge your infantilism.
Best of luck!
Okay, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this, but I'm tired of paying for bullshit counselors to tell my husband and I bullshit reasons for our problems. I need some straight forward advice on what to do before I lose my mind.
My husband and I have been married for just over 6 years, together for 8 years. He has always been very "shy" and reserved in bed, but very loving and gentle. I have a background of much wilder and adventurous sex, although I have only had one other long term sexual relationship. I am the first long term relationship my husband has ever had. But I have always been very respectful of his shyness, never really knowing what he wanted or how he felt since he never would talk about sex with me. But loving being with him has been enough for the most part, since he and I have such a great relationship outside the bedroom.
Our first child was born in November of 1999. We were ecstatic by this wonderful baby we had made together and we had never felt closer. But the sad thing is that I can tell you exactly when I got pregnant because I initiated the sex and I can tell you when we had sex during my pregnancy because I initiated that, too. My husband had become even more unresponsive (unless I initiated) claiming that it was because I had such a rough pregnancy (which I did).
Well, women's intuition told me that it was something more that just our changing lives and my changing body. I found out, through very simple investigating, that my husband had developed a 3 year internet porn habit (big surprise) that was consuming all of his sexual energy. I was flabbergasted, especially since the guy won't even watch a porn movie with me. But it was serious and extensive, and it began not long after we were married and had gotten our first computer. I had even wanted to look at porn with him to spice things up but he would get too embarrassed!
I confronted him and we fought and cried and all that jazz. We went to see several therapists who I just laughed at. None of them seemed to care that we love each other and desperately want to save our sexual relationship and our marriage. They all wanted to do the Freud thing and blame it on the first girl my husband had sex with or the color yellow in our bedspread. We have stopped seeing any therapists (about a year ago we stopped going). I am also expecting another baby. But my husband is still surfing for and downloading porn. He hasn't stopped, even though he swears he has. He thinks he has me fooled but I'm much more computer savvy now. It's not so much about the porn (although it's killing my self esteem). It's about the lies and the neglect and the pure disregard for my feelings that goes along with it. I married this man because I know he would never hurt me, and he continues to hurt me even though I tell him how much he has and how simply he could make this all better. Even before I got pregnant back in June, every sexual encounter we had for a good 2 months was initiated by me. That gets a little old. He will try once a month to have sex with me (he will usually wait until I'm sick or too sound asleep for a freight train to wake me; and worse yet is when he uses our son as an excuse) and then he says that I didn't want to! He gives up on me before he even really tries. And trying to him is like tapping me on the shoulder during my deepest sleep.
My heart is breaking, and he claims his is too, and that he just doesn't know what to do with me, he's afraid of me. He keeps saying he'll "fix it" but he doesn't understand that the fixing needs to involve us both. What should we do? I can't seem to find a good sex therapist where I live and I have gone to all lengths to try to spice things up; books, romantic dinners, pornography, etc. I'm at my wits end. I love my husband and I want to be a positive statistic. And our lives are so much better when we are having sex. Can you suggest anything new for us to try or to read? Anything?
Desperate in Indiana,
A: While I am impressed with your direct characterization of some "counselors," I suspect that few are equipped to deal with what you describe, and based on the people who come to me ("You better know what you're talking about because you're the third [fourth, fifth,etc.] therapist we've seen...") I have heard your frustration!
This is NOT a relationship/interpersonal problem. This sounds like an intrapsychic -- meaning within HIS mind -- problem he is experiencing. You NEED to step outside of the thought that you can do anything to change him, because HE needs to see a psychologist who can deal with his commitment/honesty etc., problems.
PLEASE separate this from your self esteem. It ain't about you or anything you do! He needs help and the longer this goes on, the less responsive to change he will be.
1/13/03 Q: Dr. fitz,
I came across your website recently and enjoyed your comments. I didn't
my issue so I am writing.
I am a 45 yr. old male who is happily married for over 17 yrs. to a
beautiful woman. We have two lovely children and enjoy a healthy sex life
albeit recently somewhat less due to my recent unemployment. This situation
has created a strain in our relationship but we are still very much in love
and I don't see the problem here.
With this unemployment came a lot of spare time. During this time I
rediscovered a behavior I have done off and on for years, autofellatio. More
precisely, I have gotten much better at this act. I am always careful,
stretching before doing this and not forcing myself into a position that
could hurt me.
I do not believe I am overly obsessive with this behavior doing it roughly
4-5 times a week about an hour each time. Not much more than my typical
masturbation periods. It doesn't seem to be affecting the rest of my life.
I do keep this secret from my wife - but we have always had some secrets. I
don't have guilt from the act itself but I do have guilt sometimes that I
should be more productive with my time, or that I could hurt myself.
I have videotaped myself and find it to be highly arousing and some
best porn I have ever seen.
My concern is not so much the act itself but what it is doing to my
Although I have done this for many years it has been only recently that I
became very good at this. I have an above average penis, over 9" and I am
quite flexible. I can get over half of my penis into my mouth now and the
sensations are incredible.
I experimented because I was curious to feel the sensations of giving
while getting head. (Isn't every guy?) Only I am experiencing this on a
regular basis and the Narcissistic thoughts being produced are confusing. I
have fallen in love with my cock!
I don't have any homosexual feelings although I have fantasized about
head to another man but with STD and unintended emotional responses I am
confident I will keep that notion as a fantasy.
I am more concerned about the schizophrenic emotions that happen during
after autofellatio. I am often able to differentiate the feelings my mouth
is experiencing to what my penis is experiencing. At first, I loved what was
happening to my penis. Now, I love what my mouth is doing. These sensations
go back and forth and happen simultaneously. It all sounds great, and it is,
but my head is spinning. I worry that like any other addiction I may be
fooling myself into thinking no harm is being done.
I also am noticing that my thoughts are changing. For instance, I no
stare at women like I used to (this may be a good thing)because I no longer
fantasize about what they can do for me - given I can do better myself. I
spend my daydreaming hours thinking about sucking on my own penis to the
exclusion of any other fantasies.
Narcissism is a clinical term I am aware and I feel as if this behavior
some type of underpinning in this versus just a physical sensation. My job
loss - lowered self esteem, etc. may be why I have these strong urges to
"escape" into my own world to perform autofellatio. That much I suspect.
What I didn't prepare for was the incredibly strong attraction I now have to
my penis. Stronger than usual which says a lot for any man.
I don't feel like talking this over with my wife. She would be more
that I am "wasting my time" versus what it is doing to my head. I figure
once I get another job my time alone will decrease markedly and I will
curtail this activity. But will I ever forget the unbelievable sensations I
have obtained and what kind of long term effects could this have on me?
A: My first question is "If you replaced the time spent on autofellatio with the time spent on a hobby like playing bridge or playing interactive computer games, would your question still be valid?" If you spent an hour 4-5 times per week on a non-sexual hobby that your wife knew about, would she be upset (such as that you weren't spending that time looking for a job)?
It's not the nature of the activity but the time away from what you're "supposed to be doing" that is at issue. That it is sexual is secondary. What you are doing feels good, strengthens your immune system by facilitating the release of endorphins, and is not endangering your relationship. Hey, if it were aerobic exercise 4-5 times per week for an hour each time would that be "bad?" What you are doing is essentially the same!
I respectfully suggest that it is because there is a sexual component that you are asking this question.
I encourage you to do what works for you right now and to adapt when you again become a 9-5 wage slave!
I hope this "replacement analogy" helps!
1/8/03 Q: I'm new to this really. After dating pretty thin guys
I found myself in a relationship with a guy who works out alot, and
among other things, it's given him a very big and well muscled ass,
pretty gorgeous, something I was not used to seeing on guys in the
past. Seems lately I've taking a sexual interest in given him pleasure
back there with my lips and tongue, a form of arousal I didn't think
I was into. I love doing it, not just kissing and caressing his cheeks,
but licking in between short of sticking my tongue in his anus. I
get this strong feeling of submissivness and gratification from it,
though I don't understand completely why. I know it's like taboo
to do, and has a strong sense of nastiness attatched to it, but I
don't really see it as a gross act. His crack is always clean, he's
never cut one while I was back there, and he does enjoy it, or rather
he enjoys watching me do it so lustfully.
Do other women enjoy this, and if so, why exactly? How common is
it for a woman to actually "want" to perform analingus on
a man? I love for my man to do it to me. It's the best
A: Dear H,
We have NO IDEA how common this is because most people, often even in sex therapy, don't admit to this for fear of being judged weird, perverted, or, in the broad sense of the vernacular, "nasty." There are some vocal afficionados, some of whom regularly e-mail the sexdoc (Hi, "J"), but I suspect that only a tiny minority identify themselves publicly.
The anus is surrounded by glands that back when we were monkeys, secreted a variety of liquids some of which contained pheromones that attracted the opposite gender. The role of those secretions in humans today is the subject of some controversy, but in actual sexual practice, some people find the odor and taste of those secretions of SOME (certainly not all) people to be absolute ambrosia. Yes, being freshly showered or bathed removes concerns about bacterial infection, and yes, the security that a fart will not interrupt the activity is reassuring.
That you feel submissive is, I think, your cognitive overlay on the behavior, and the fact that you so enjoy it being done to you suggests that you are projecting a similar appreciation onto your recipient of your backdoor attention (him).
Somewhat to my surprise, I find that more people do it after age -- about 35 -- than younger, but I suspect that as people age they become less and less fearful of what their partner will think and just "go for the gusto."
If it rings your chimes to have it done to you and to do it to your lover, and it hurts neither of you physically or emotionally, go for it!
Do you want to know how common this is to "normalize"
it for you? The point is that YOU enjoy it, so go for it!
A: The BC pill is close to 100% effective for all women EXCEPT those "pretty fat" (overweight)
Condoms are 100% effective if used properly -- reservoir tip, don't slip off inside the woman, etc.
If your periods are irregular or if they hurt very much -- so bad you miss school and whimper in bed with a hot water bottle on your abdomen -- your doctor will likely encourage BC pill use to regularize your periods and control the pain.
MANY doctors are savvy to the drill. You complain of irregular periods, heavy flow unexpectedly, and substantial abdominal pain, and if the doc doesn't volunteer it, you say that you "... heard that BC pills can help with this stuff..." and the doc advises your mother that you should try it "for awhile to see if it helps."
YOU "suddenly" have bad symptoms disappear and beg the doc to extend the scrip.
BUT!!!!!! If the doc asks for a private consultation with you, you TELL THE TRUTH and say that PART of the reason is for birth / conception control, and that you ARE aware of sexually transmitted infections and that you WILL ALWAYS use a condom in addition to bc pills.
Tell your friends about this!
Let me know what you think (is this kicking ass?)
She writes back: thanks a bunch.. i actually just talked to my mom and i feel a lot better. i tell her everything usually, and the only thing that i kept from her was that i am sexually active. but she claims that she knew the whole time. she said she is disappointed but understands. she is even happier with that fact that ive been with the same guy for a year (she knows im not sleeping around). what do you know about the birth control called yasmin? i hear its very good for mood swings (and mine are HORRIBLE, plus i am the kind of girl that stays in bed for the whole entire week that im on my period). youre still kicking ass!!!
A: I have asked Dr. Fisher to comment on Yasmin
Dr. Fisher replies:
Yasmin was approved by the FDA in November of 2001,
but has been widely used
in Europe since early 2000.Yasmin is a low dose monophasic pill, which means
it contains the same amount of synthetic hormones (drospirenone 3 mg and
ethinyl estradiol .030mg) in each 21 active pills. The only thing that sets
Yasmin apart from other oral contraceptives is that it uses a different form
of the hormone progestin, called Drospironone, which is the synthetic part
of the pill.
The manufacturers of Yasmin have cashed in on sales
from this oral
contraceptive because it has been coined the "weight loss pill that cures
PMS". This is NOT true and is NOT backed by solid and substantial evidence.
It is true that Drospironone has antimineralocorticoid activity that
influences the regulation of water retention and electrolyte balance in the
body, as well as antiandrogenic (anti-male hormone)properties. Because it
aids with water retention and electrolyte balance, it MAY help in reducing
the effects of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder(PMDD)which is a very severe
form of Premenstrual Syndrome. This works by affecting the additional sodium
and water in your body by decreasing it and possibly raising potassium
levels. It other words it may act as a diuretic and counteract bloating,
thus you may not experience as much premenstrual weight gain. This happens
in very few cases and symptoms of menstruation and premenstrual symptoms are
NEVER completely "cured" are disappear.
Traditional oral contraceptives have been shown to
cause on the average of a
two to three pound weight gain. A woman taking Yasmin MAY experience a
weight lose of a pound or two. The interest in this contraceptive seems to
have been sparked in large part by a study conducted by the drug's
manufacturers. The study followed 300 women who lost about two pounds after
six months of taking the pill. The effects, however, were not long lasting.
After a year, the weight came back.
Yasmin may be a good option for some women,but if you
are not experiencing
problems with your traditional oral contraceptive it is probably best to
keep to what you are taking. Birth controls are all different, formulations
are different and every woman reacts differently.
Good to note: Most women who have kidney or liver disease/complications,
diabetes, heart aliments or blood pressure issues should not take this pill
because of the reaction among the sodium, electrolytes and potassium.
So, to answer your question: Yes, it helps in guarding
but it does not cure or rid one of mood swings, cramps or bleeding nor does
it cause great weight loss.
Chance Fisher M.D.
Let me preface the e-mail by saying that I think I've exhausted all
materials on your website in a rather short period of time. If anyone asks
me the exact percentage of women who do not achieve orgasm through vaginal
intercourse alone, I will strangle them with my own bare hands, provided I
am able to see them as I am currently still cross-eyed. That said, I would
like to flesh out something in regards to male genetalia with you, "mano a
mano," as I can see you are a wise and handsome chap.
I am 21 years young and have never been in a sexual relationship. I
question about my erection in that it curves as far left as the Swedish
welfare system. That's exaggeration, of course, so let me give you an actual
measurement: it's about a 24 degree bend that begins maybe two inches out. I
actually calculated it, I'm proud to say. Re-learned how to use the
protractor and everything. I was one of those kids who used to sneer "when
am I EVER going to use this?" in Geometry class and now realize why I never
received a proper answer: she couldn't just say, "You'll need it when you
get older and want to accurately calculate the bend in your erect penis."
The information that I've gleaned from your lengthy Q&A postings
is that a
"little curve" is common. The only actual statistics I've seen on a more
precise amount than "little" is "under 30 degrees" - about the curve of a
banana, according to the Men's Health website. This lengthy dissertation is
to show that I've come to accept my erection as being "common" and not an
affliction, and I'm comfortable with that.
However, regardless of its commonality (and I've seen no statistics
how common it is), are there any women who long for an erection that is more
akin to a banana? I trust the answer is "maybe" but I fear that they are
probably few and far between, although I have no way of knowing, admittedly.
One of the questions on your site dealt with a woman who was having trouble
climaxing, most certainly due to a lack of clitoral stimulation, but
questioned whether her partner's leftward curve was to blame. I understand
the proper answer to this question, but the quickness to assign blame to the
curve is something that distresses me greatly.
The question, at last, is how often you hear about, in your experience
sexual counselor, problems that arise from curved erections, and anything
else you can tell me about potential conflicts that could arise because of a
curve. Specifically about those six inches in length and between 23 and 24
degrees to the left - ha ha.
Thank you and God bless,
A: I am so impressed with how articulate your question is that I am tempted to post it!
No one knows how common penis curvature is, but it is known to often change over time and to inspire delight in many women.
While the "bends up then down" is most often associated with additional clitoral sensation, women also report the "different" stimulation from left and right bends to afford "special" sensation.
In the final analysis you have what you have and in the sense that women with small breasts are reputed to have especially well-honed stimulation skills (such as superior oral sex or prostate massage technique) to compensate, men with a curved penis sometimes compensate for this self-identified deficiency with better cunnilingus or other foreplay technique.
Please accept what you have as your given and complement your penis with all the woman-pleasing skills you can acquire.
1/7/03 Q: Dear Doctor,
Sometimes I just don't know what to do in my marriage about my husband, I
believe he has immense sexual problems in the sense that if I don't make
love to him every night he thinks I don't love him.
He equates making love to him or anything of the sort (even giving him a
hand job) with me loving him and if I do not "then I must not love him". He
ties it to his self worth. Or its like "what did I do wrong today to make
you not make love to me?" Even when things have gone fine during the day,
but I'm just tired or don't feel like making love, not because he did
something wrong, and he's trying to figure out what it was he did wrong and
that's why I'm not making love to him, in his mind.
I can't give him love 24 hours of the day. He'd like it 24/7. Are most men
like this? Do most men equate having sex with them as loving them and if
their women don't have the energy or desire that night, then their men feel
Why are men so tied to their penises?
I know a while back my husband and I were going through some difficult times
because I couldn't understand why he was giving me the lack of response I
wanted and I found out it was the medication he was on, all in all, that
affected his desire to have sex.
I guess I would start to worry about him if he didn't want it for about 3 or
more days because I know him, he'd like it 3 times a day normally, so back
then I began to worry until I found out what it was that caused him not to
want to engage in lovemaking with me.
But I know it all stems from his 1st marriage, she never gave him any. He
still brings that marriage problem into this marriage. I've tried to be
tolerant of him, telling him I'm not her, and the more he brings that
marriage problem up about how she treated him, the more I despise her. She's
a snippy little Chihuahua anyways.
Anyways, he ties his self worth to his penis and sex. Have sex with him, I
do love him and he's wonderful. Don't have sex with him, he must have done
something wrong that day and he's a bad person. This is what he thinks.
He even emailed me a "sorry note" that said "he must remember that if my
wife does not have sex with me it doesn't mean she doesn't love me". He said
he'd try harder to live by this, but then he gets in bed with me and if I
don't give him what he wants in the sex dept., he throws his little fits in
different ways (getting up, going to the bathroom, waking me up, slamming a
door etc). It's really getting to me.
I am almost positive he needs therapy. We've only been married two years now
but I feel like he will never resolve this of his own will.
Are there any suggestions you can give me in the meantime to say to him or
how to deal with him in a positive manner that will hopefully get through to
him till we see a counselor (they're always so booked).
Please let me know all that I can say to him or any suggestions you may have
for me to deal with this attitude he has.
I don't think its normal.
A woman in real need of advice!!!
This is close to "If you loved me enough you'd win the lottery for me!"
This is an incredible manipulation on his part and you need to set boundaries with him and explain in blunt terms that you feel manipulated, and that over time that will develop into resentment and contempt and threaten your relationship.
I think you are too close to see the forest for the trees, and it sounds like you have bought in to his manipulation. It is NOT true that you do not love him if you are not sexual with him every day. His "you must be sexual with me or I have done something wrong" is an erroneous premise, and consequential implications or conclusions are built on quicksand!
And YES, HE NEEDS therapy! And if I saw him I'd suggest 3-5 sessions with you, too.
You both might benefit from reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith, Ph.D.
Link to Answers #35
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