Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002  William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

I experimented with same sex sex and now feel guilty

12/20/02  Q:  I am a 20 yr old male who had a same sex experience. I was curious about my sexuality. I wasnt sure if I was gay bi or straight. After the experiencem it answered alot of questions about me. I realized that I was not stimulated by males. I consider myself to be straight. I regret and have guilty and depressed feelings of the experience. I recieved oral sex and was  masturabted by the guy. I was wondering if this experience is normal and should  I have acted on it? I now cant eat ot sleep  because of this. I got counsled at school and was told that what I did was normal and healthy. However, shold I tell my parens, I feel like Im hiding something bad from them. They ask me if I am depressed because I am always walking around gloomy and sad looking? I am feeling sad because of the same sex experience. I guess its hard dealing with the fact that I let a guy give me oral sex and masturbated me to ejcaulation and  he ate my semen. I feel bad after all this happened.
I was erect but I was not stimulated.
Are these experiences normal at my age? I one when I was younger but I am over that because it was normal for boys to experiment when I was younger. I just feel guilty and anxiety.
How can I tell my parents? What should i tell them I would like to tell them please please please please please please please please help me out.
 

same sex experimentation is perfectly normal and common.  You tried the experiment and drew your conclusions.

I encourage you to take this in stride as a statement that you are secure in your masculinity.

Telling your parents is a judgment call.  If they are homophobic it might explode in your face.

Just as you really don't want to know the details of their sexuality (does your mom blow your dad, etc.,) they really don't want to know about your sex life.

Talk to an older trusted man local to you.

best wishes

sexdoc
 
 

            Dr. Fitzgerald,

            I have read articles on how women do not have orgasms from intercourse - or if they do - it is a range of 20% - 40% that do.  I find that this type of discussion regarding women and intercourse, to be incredulous.

@@@ It is not a discussion.  It is a description of inadequate technique and lack of communication and assertiveness by both genders
 
 
 
 

            What is the point of intercourse if it's not intended to pleasure the woman and promote her orgasms?

@@@@  The point of intercourse is conception.  Pleasure is a bonus
 
 

  Who decided that intercourse is the way to experience sexual pleasure and orgasms?

@@@ The Judeo-Christian ethic that attempted to regulate sexuality and control the animal urges of the masses while trying to populate the earth with more of their followers.
 

  Why would a woman, ( or man for that matter ), engage in intercourse if it didn't provide both women and men with orgasms?

@@@ To get pregnant.  If they want pleasure they find that in addition to genital rubbing, oral and anal sex and other frottage is fun
 
 
 
 
 
 

  Why hasn't the traditional view of Western sexuality been challenged by the sex therapists?

@@@ I think it has to some extent.  Masters and Johnson's 1970 book titled "Human Sexual Inadequacy" went a long way to promoting outercourse through sensate focus
 

  Why have women been told to accept sex "the way it is" and to continue to have sex in a way that does not promote their pleasure or orgasms?

@@@@  Since about 1965 they haven't!  Look at any Cosmopolitan or Playboy from the mid-sixties on and you will find "GO GIRL" in every issue!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  Would you tell a man to not have an orgasm from sex - or to masturbate himself to orgasm via partner sex?  I doubt it.  Why would you tell a woman to do this and to accept this- vs. telling the man the same?   There's something wrong with this picture!

@@@ I tell both genders that it is important to have an orgasm when sexually excited
 
 
 

            The problem with Western sex is that is has been set up and defined by the male's sexual response and needs.  As with all social constructs - this has been done for a purpose. To continue the status quo.  In the case of sexuality - the female's response and needs have been historically been ignored or considered superfluous.

@@@@  Yes, women have been treated as chattel -- and only recently been allowed to vote!  But I think that has changed dramatically in the past two decades.
 
 
 
 
 
 

            Not so.  What if the social dictate was that a male provided the female with orgasms - and then she just stroked the base of his penis where it attaches to the scrotum.  He would not be able to have an orgasm.

@@@ That is true -- but he would likely masturbate to achieve orgasm in that case.
 
 
 
 

            Reality is that sexual relations in Western culture have been defined to meet the needs of men.  This has been done on purpose and none of the sex therapists have challenged this.  The sexual literature has erroneously told women to adapt to the status quo - rather than stating that sex needs to adapt to and accommodate the woman's needs.  Why?  Do the sex therapists fear challenging men?

@@@ We incur the wrath of inept men every day in private practice.
 
 
 
 
 

            Sex is logistical.  The outcome is how it is done.  I am a 53 year old woman who's had multiple orgasms via masturbation - in less than 1 minute for each - since the age of seven.  I have had 1 -4 orgasms - per each intercourse - the "Look Ma - no hands" style -  in less than 1.5 minutes - for over 34 years.  I practice a female / clitoral based intercourse - which is always effective.  The focus is on the woman's vulva, clitoris and the first third of the vagina. I will not engage in any other type of intercourse as it is my body and my needs that have to be met.  Little is written in the sex literature about this method of intercourse and I wonder why?   Has intercourse been defined  just for the man - and not for the woman?  This is the issue that needs to be challenged.

@@@  It seems that you are  focusing exclusively on female (your)  sexual pleasure.  Consistent with what you have written above, I expected something like "My lover and I take joint responsibility to assure that each of us has as much sexual pleasure as we want while making sure that we both have an orgasm however achieved before our mutual sexual event is over."  But you will engage in no other "type" of intercourse as it is your body and needs that have to be met.  Do you not sound like the males you imply are in the vast majority?  I think that that issue -- any singular focus on one's sexual needs while the needs of the partner are excluded from the discussion -- is what needs to be addressed.
 
 
 

            Dare to teach men to have sex without orgasms.

@@@  Why? That results in chronic pelvic vasocongestion in both genders and if it occurs too often, it contributes to a pear-shaped person -- losing weight above the waist and storing fat below the waist.  So, boys and girls, to avoid colds and unsightly fat distrtibution, make sure you have an orgasm a day....

@@@ AND, if we are being egalitarian, should I "teach" women to have sex without orgasms (which I have said I do not)?
 

 Teach men and women to have outercourse if they cannot achieve an anatomically correct intercourse.

@@@ I teach men and women to achieve orgasm any way they can when they are sexually excited, and I endorse the concept that there is no "anatomically correct" intercourse.  In the final analysis, what happens is neurological stimulation that accumulates to a threshold which, when crossed, results in an autonomic reflex we call orgasm.  How the summation of those neurological  stimulations occurs is highly idiosyncratic, but experience dictates that clitoral and penile, labial and scrotal, perineal and anal, nipple, oral and thigh stimulation seem to be what we call the erogenous zones (and I have to include the g-spot and the prostate for internal responsive areas).
 

  It is equal and safer in the age of STD'S and HIV.   What are your thoughts?

            A response would be appreciated.  Thank you.
 
 
 
 

A:  Many women masturbate by squeezing their thighs together.

I suggest that you experiment with a repetition and perfect the technique that is unique to your body.

enjoy!

sexdoc

p.s.  You are encouraged to empty your bladder first, then try squeezing.

    My girlfriend and i have recently started enjoying the pleasure of anal sex, i like to penetrate her and she likes to penetrate me with her fingers or a strap-on.
    My concern is that we like to have anal sex frequently ie. everyday, what i was wondering is, is this to much and can there be any adverse effects from performing anal sex as frequently as we do.

Thanks A

A:   No adverse effects so long as you do not perforate (puncture) the rectal wall or rip the anal sphincters by excessive dilation  or irritate the anus from insufficient lubrication or a rough object.

BE PREPARED that it is PERFECTLY NORMAL for your anus to stay relaxed for up to an hour after prolonged ass play.  It WILL close when it wants to and staying open is NOT a sign of anything wrong (but it freaks people out when it happens).

sexdoc

I am a 34 year old female.  I was married for 7 years.  Divorced in 1997.  I also have 2 sons from my marriage.  I have recently become involved in a lesbian relationship.  I am very much in love.  We were best childhood friends.  I am a little confused.  She is very, should I say butch.  She doesn't want me to do anything more that maybe suck her neck or nipple.  That's as far as it goes.  She uses a strap-on, and performs oral sex on me.  She seems to orgasm pretty easy.  Is this normal. Does anyone know how she is getting her orgasm. I am guessing that the strap-on is rubbing against her clit.  Just want to know of other ways to please her.  She also likes me to talk to her during sex.  I don't know what to say.  Can you help me.

Thanks

A:  Yes it is "normal" for some woman to achieve orgasm using a strap-on.  Tell HER that you want to please her in more ways than just suck her neck or nipple and ask her to tell you what would be more pleasurable to her.  If she wants to, she will.  AND, role model it by telling her what you like and don't like.  Ask her what she wants to hear during sex.  Try reading out loud from Nancy Friday's book "Women On Top."

sexdoc
 

I am 31, my live in boyfriend is 33 -
Our first few attempts at having sex resulted in his inability to get hard
or to stay hard - When I questioned his arousal, he told me not to worry,
that he just needed to get more comfortable with me and that  I would be
begging him to stop in no time.. That was true, and when we finally made a
commitment to each other, his inadequacy stopped. However, instead of not
getting hard or staying hard, the new problem is that it takes him a very
long time to cum. Unfortunately, after about 25-35 minutes and an orgasm of
my own, I get bored and I start thinking that Im not turning him on. Its a
nasty little cycle, but he assures me that there is nothing wrong.  In his
defense,  he dotes on me in every way and makes me feel attractive and
wanted - He definitely wants to have sex all the time, and so do I, but why
does it take him so long?
Recently I found some Rape-fantasy porn on his computer. I asked him about
it and he admitted that he has a rape fantasy but that it doesnt mean he has
violent tendencies or wants to hurt me or women at all. He says that its
just about sex and that I shouldnt worry. I have a very hard time accepting
this, as I believe that rape is violent by nature. I cant understand how he
could be turned on by this? I have tried to go along with it, and even faked
a scenario with him once, which definitely wasnt violent, but it invloved me
saying "No" and pushing him away - Its been bothering me the whole time, and
Im finding myself ruminating over his psyche and beating myself up for not
allowing him to have his own imagination.  Im really searching for a way to
understand and not condemn him. I need a professional to tell me that there
really is a difference between fantasy and reality.. Personally, I am not
totally innocent, as I like to be spanked, and honestly, I dont know why or
what the desire stems from.. Is this the same with his rape fantasy? One
important sidenote is that he has been wonderful about talking to me about
this - he is not shameful, and he is willing to stifle his fantasy in order
to calm me. I think that his good attitude says volumes about this
situration, and yet, it still bothers me. Can you shed any light on this?
thanks, troubled
 

A:  If he can bring himself to orgasm in 5-10 minutes, have him periodically withdraw from your vagina, stroke himself to the point of orgasm, then reinsert to come.  If it takes him a long time by himself, I suggest a complete medical workup.

Once again, dear reader, we have the confusion between reality and fantasy.  IT'S OK TO FANTASIZE ABOUT ANYTHING!  You just need to be clear where the boundary between fantasy and reality is and be clear about what behavior is inappropriate.

At a young and tender age, when we are big white boards waiting for the experiences of life to make their mark, we get sexually energized by "things."  Mostly we call these things a fetish, because for reasons not readily apparent, they turn us on.  Some people are low on the sexuality scale and not much inspires them, but those high on the sex drive dimension often have at least a fantasy topic if not also a behavior that rings their chimes.

I am touched by the number of e-mails I get from people who relate that now that they are -- name an age:  35, 40, 55, 70, etc. -- they have "finally" accepted that they get turned on by -- name a fantasy or activity -- infantilism (wearing a diaper, etc.), spanking, enemas, fantasies of being forced and/or with multiple partners, etc. Why not accept your sexuality now?  You might be surprised to find that your lover shares the same idea and both of you are afraid to announce it for fear that the other will think that you are kinky!  This happens frequently in sex therapy!

You have your wiring.  So long as it is not harmful to you or your partner or to an innocent person, the sooner you acknowledge it the longer you will have to enjoy it.  If your partner won't indulge you, you'll have to choose to go without or find a compatible partner.

sexdoc

p.s.  It's "Fitz," not "Fritz."
 

11/13/02 Q:  Doc,
When my 32 yo. divorced girlfriend of 1 1/2 years and I make love, she sometimes talks about being with another woman, as her fantasy, as we make love.  She states that she has never been with another woman, and doesn't want to be.  She will tell me, as we make love, what she would do to another woman as she does it to me.  She will caress my anus in the same fashion as I am touching her vagina, and often wants me to perform oral sex and then kiss her without moving my lips, and she will lick my lips, and dart her tongue in and out of my mouth.  She will kiss and lick my groin, avoiding my penis and testicles sometimes.  She likes to penetrate me anally with her fingers or vibrator.

I guess my question is should I encourage her to try it with another woman?  If she is bisexual, or a lesbian, I think she would be happier if she found out, and could follow her desires.  It is a little discouraging to be giving it (sex) my best effort, and have her not even be there mentally or emotionally.
Thank you,
K

A:  Dear K,

Each of us has a unique love map -- ideas and touch that we get eroticized by -- and considering the negative and conflicting messages we get from parents, media, and religion, it is no surprise to me that some people, like your girlfriend, spice up their lovemaking with "forbidden fruit."  There is a possibility that this is healthy narcissism.  Ask her if she would like you to do to her what she does to you, or just do it and be sensitive to her reaction.  She MIGHT be giving you a clear message about how she would like to be pleasured.

MANY people, more women than men, appear to be "not there mentally or emotionally" as an effective dissociative defense against "Nice girls don't like sex and those who do are sluts."  By dissociating, she can enjoy the pleasure without taking the "blame."  Always remember:  She's there with YOU -- NOT someone else (regardless of gender).

I suggest that you NOT encourage her to have sex with a woman.  You say that she said that she has never been with a woman and doesn't want to be.  To encourage her would be invalidating!  If she changes her mind and at some point wants to, and you have provided a safe enough environment, she'll bring it up.  Because you love her and want the best for her, you and she will decide what is best for each of you.  Be clear about your boundaries.

Hi, Doc!

I emailed you a couple times a year or two ago, and you gave me some advice regarding whether using a vibrator was causing me trouble.  I drop by your site every few months to see what is new.  I was reading what you said about how the way to thank you is to spread the word about your site, and I wanted to let you know that I do my part!  I have given your url to all my close girl friends, and I have posted the link on a few discussion boards when a topic came up that I thought made it appropriate.

I can't guess how many visitors came from the discussion board, but I KNOW three friends who visited.  The reason I directed them to your site was because we were discussing the topic of giving oral sex to guys, and the girls really didn't enjoy it.  They said they got tired, it took too long, etc.  That had been one of my complaints as well, until I clicked on one of your links which took me to a "tutorial."  That was an enlightening read! haha!  Seriously, I dramatically improved my skill, which was both good for HIM and for ME since it didn't take so long, and was less tiring to my jaw!  Well, now you can say there have been (between my friends and I) at least 5 men who should be writing their own thank you letters to you!!!;-)

I think I have probably read every line of text on your site, since the first time I visited a couple years or so ago.  I have not only gained some great information, but it has also served to make me much more comfortable with talking about sexual subjects.  Plus, now that I know how much more normal my concerns and desires are, I am not so shy about doing things or requesting things, or just overall being more expressive, assertive, vocal, etc.  I have bought a couple books and a video as well, something I used to cringe at the thought of!  The end result is that between your site, and my being more open to other sources of information, my sex life is many times more satisfying.  In fact, I have been with my current boyfriend for about a year now, and during our first week together, he gave me what I considered to be a HUGE compliment.  He said "I love making love to you because you are SO wild!"  Haha!  I had to laugh because that was the first time anyone had ever said that to me, and here I had been so timid just a couple years ago:-)

Your site has helped me to gain confidence and learn to express myself, and I know I speak for many, many others when I say so.  Thanks a million for taking the time, effort, and energy to give honest, unbiased, and non-judgemental advice to people.

Your fan,
Lisa

A:  Dear Lisa,

I have had some colleagues review my site and ask what the costs are and what I get out of it.

When I explain to them that it is pro bono, they ask why I "give it away for free."  I do indeed have a few people a month who ask for consultation in person for a fee -- who found me through the web site -- but the primary reason is the expressions of thanks from readers, and yours is one of the most articulate and descriptive that I have received.

I am so glad that I have been instrumental in your changing your behavior to be more rewarding to both you and your lovers.  There are so many oppressive forces that those of us who urge sexual pleasure are still too few to combat them.

ENJOY your sexuality and continue to exercise it responsibly.  Strive to be with a partner who is compatible, reciprocal, and appreciative.

And I thank you for letting me be an influence in this most personal part of your life.

Dr. William Fitzgerald aka sexdoc

I've finally fallen in just the right "wrong crowd," and have the chance to
test a few limits that many say can't be tested safely. To be specific, I'm
a 36 year old man who within the last 3 years figured out I was bisexual.

With help of a circle of more experienced friends, I've found that my
current tastes in sexual activity involve investigating some of the
(gentler)extremes of anal sex. I read your answers at
http://www.sexdoc.com/analsex2.html, and I understand what you said there,
but, urm, ...well, I have an opportunity to receive an actual  13" penis.
The situation would be carefully set up, a controlled enviroment, and I
trust all involved implicitly, but I'd like to stack the deck as much in my
favor as I can up front.

Pending what I learn here, my plan is to take as much length as I can, using
a slow, careful insertion rate similar to fisting; the objective is to take
That Beautiful Monster all the way, or if you'll excuse the expression,
balls to the wall. I have handled 9 1/4" before, but could feel that it was
hitting a wall.

My question: I understand that what my 9 1/2" friend bounced off of so
vigorously was probably not muscle, which can be stretched and is relatively
forgiving. But is there any way to stretch what is actually at the top of
the canal there safely? Surprisingly, I expect I'll follow whatever
suggestions you make, but am willing to take whatever time, preparation, and
precautions needed to take me to success, and what I believe will be a
religious experience.

Thank you for accumulating such a wonderful range of resources in one place.
Please feel free to e-mail with any questions or clarifications...

11/05/02 A:  LOVE your question!

Actually the colon is a  many twisted thing and while a colonoscope can bend and twist, an erection cannot, so your 9 plus inches puts you at the end of the sigmoid colon (a few inches from your belly button) and anything longer can't bend 160 degrees down into the ascending colon.

Enjoy what you have achieved and leave it at that!  If you take the 13" monster, about 3 inches before the hilt I predict significant discomfort.

p.s.  I do not classify 13" as a "gentler" extreme of anal sex.
 

                 Okay, sorry for the long letter, I am just curious... I love him so much, it hurts to see him upset.

A:  Dear Stephanie,

The "problem" is expecting his erection to bring you to orgasm.

If you taught him how to bring you to multiple orgasms with his mouth, tongue, lips, fingers, etc., and when you were satisfied then mounted him and he came in 2 minutes would he feel bad?

We are hung up on the idea that the erection has to do it and that is the error in thinking!
 

See www.sexdoc.com -- the link to Female Orgasm Matters (among everything else)

and if you wish to contact me again, please do so directly through that site

sexdoc

In fact I would appreciate your reaction to this suggestion.

Firstly I love giving ladies head, I really love the taste and the feeling I get when they cum. My girlfriend doesn't like it at all.

She had never trusted a man enough as she does me to relax, emotionally and sexually until she met me. I actually was the first man to make her come, its not just something she tells people.

She can openly masturbate infront of me, but only once has she let me bring her to climax, more often than not she lets me start but after five or ten seconds makes me stop and leaves me feeling deflated.

Secondly I'm a little jealous of her experiences, My old flatmates sister introduced her to me as 'the girl I slept with, with my boss' and after frank honest discussions it transpires that she's slept with another girl and her boyfriend, both of whom we still see occasionally. Although I'm not judgemental on the people who 'came' before me, or in her past in any way. When were talking dirty she gets the hump when I talk about having another girl sitting on my face while she sits on my cock.

More recently the girl I lost my virginity too has made friends with my current partner. When she was drunk she sometimes tells my partner how much she fancies experimenting sexually with her. She always says it when I'm around, they both came to pick me up from the train station the other day dressed like hookers, We sat up all night talking openly, she was telling us that she swallowed for the first time that day and felt really horny, jokingly she hinted towards a threesome at least twenty times during the night. My girlfriend, rational as ever, said it would be silly, and we would all regret it.

The whole night I was pretending not to notice the flirtatious remarks, and accidental strokes along my thigh, in fear of another freeze out when we eventually went to bed, for being a letch or a perve. They even started looking for sex toys on-line, and went into chat rooms, telling people the horniest stuff you can imagine.

I just managed to stop myself getting my girlfriends vibrator for her mate and telling her to relieve herself before we all exploded. I just wanted to drop my pants and wank.

The sexual energy in the room was intense the only person not up for it was the girl that's already done it TWICE.

I understand that it can cause serious problems within a relationship, and 'sharing' a friend is often too close to home.

But when we go out, she manages to hold eye contact with girls I know she fucked, she doesn't seem at all embarrassed.
I cherish my relationship too much to peruse this line of questioning with her, I would never feel comfortable fucking another girl in front of her or behind her back. However, I do have urges. I love oral...

I don't see what harm my ex-girlfriend sitting on my face while my girlfriend fucks me could bring to this relationship. My girlfriend knows about mine and her friends history and it isn't a problem, our friend just wants a bi experimental session, and thinks doing it someone she knows who has experienced girl on girl before is a good idea, and I won't be doing anything I haven't done before.

Everybody's Happy

'But maybe I'm too close to the trees to see the wood'.

Maybe they were both in on the whole night of teasing and tormenting, they are both aware of my fantasies.

Maybe I'm just a pervert.

You tell me Dr

A:  I think it's wonderful that she can be as open and flirtatious as you describe.  There are few "perfectly compatible" sexual relationships and you have to decide if your desire for giving oral sex and your urge to have two women at once outweigh what you value in this woman.  In the meantime, enjoy and assert your wishes, but respect what she is willing to go along with.

I'm 27. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and we dated for several years before we were married.

When we first got together the sex was fantastic. He is the only person who has ever made me orgasm. We used to experiment frequently with bondage and anal. We own lots of sex toys.

So here's the problem. We practiced and practiced until we got it perfect. We seemed to have narrow down the possibilities until our sex was completely satisfying to both of us with out anything extra. Now its completely predictable. We both cum in a matter of minutes. We've fallen into a routine and now that its gotten boring its less and less frequent. What used to occur at least a few times a week and last for hours (lots of foreplay and cuddling and talking afterward) is now "hey you want to make love" and ten minutes later we're done.

I recently told my husband I was bored and wanted to spice things up a bit when I realized that he was masturbating on a regular basis which indicated to me that he wasn't being satisfied anymore either. His reply was " Sure, what do you want to try" Although we've done lots of kinky stuff in the past, I'm still embarrased to talk about what might turn me on. The truth is I don't really know what would turn me on anymore. And the few things that I have always fantasized about are things that my husband isn't interested in. For example, I get very turned on by men in drag. But my husbands cross dressing days are over. Thats something that he did with his first wife when he was in his twenties and sleeping around alot (he's 16 years older than me). I enjoy watching men masturbate but he doesn't want to do it in front of me, its too embarrasing for him. I've never even seen him cum. He always ejaculates while he's still inside me. How do I make him feel more comfortable so he will cum all over me while wearing womens lingerie? Am I asking to much, and if not how do I ask him to do these things without embarrasing us both?

I feel like this is driving us apart. Our marriage needs intimacy for me (and him I'm sure) to be happy with it.

Thanks for any advice.
M

PS. Please keep my name anonymous if you decide to post any part of my email. Thank you.

A:  I have no reason to suspect that what goes on for folks who come in for sex therapy is any different from folks who don't.  Because of the sexual oppression in our culture, many people are afraid to get in touch with their sexuality, and many who do are ashamed to practice it.  Part of the effective (and most rapidly responding) intervention for many sexual dysfunctions is progressive disinhibition in which week by week each person gets bolder and more honest about what turns them on and what they uniquely enjoy as pleasurable.  The outreach passes from partner to partner as each is emboldened by the other's disclosure.  As I have said in several other locations, I often see one person take a deep breath, gulp a few times, put hands over eyes, and say "What I would like to try is 'X,'" only to have the spouse enthusiastically endorse it, and admit that he or she was also curious to try it, but each was afraid to say it for fear that the other would think it "kinky" or perverted, or disgusting, or worst:  that if the respondent said no, that the initiator would find someone outside the relationship with whom to do "it" (whatever "it" is).

Try a "game" of disclosure.  Find the right time and tell him that you want to trade fun sex things with him.  Tell him that you will tell him what you want to do in return for which he is "required" to tell you something he would like to do.  Then decide if you're going to do them.  Keep it equal.  One thing for you; one for him.  Do this on a "special time" devoted to your relationship (every other Saturday for an hour in the afternoon?), and see if event by event you  get more and more of what you want.

If the two of you can't do it, you would likely benefit from the assistance of a sex therapist.  We LOVE helping people with sexual enhancement instead of treating sexual dysfunction!  In both categories, however, people who achieve desired behavior chang are SO appreciative!
 

thanks
M

A:  Dear M,

1) The average time in the USA is 90 seconds -- you're doing GREAT!

2)  Do not expect your penis to be a dildo.  Bring her to orgasm numerous times before penile-vaginal penetration then how soon you come after you enter her is moot!

sexdoc

p.s.  I have known many patients and social friends who would LOVE to last 5 minutes!

I was wondering if you could give me some advice because Im stuck on what to
do about this situation.

I've been going out with a girl now for 16 months and she is unquestionably
everything I've ever wanted in a girlfriend. The only thing that she lacks
is her sexual ambition. She is not open to anything other than having sex
missionary style. We have tried doggie style and she says it hurts her.
She's not willing to try much and she is nowhere near the sexual pleaser she
was when we first became active with each other.

I have been friends with a girl from the net for as long as I have been with
my girlfriend. Me and this girl from the internet have always been good
friends. We've recently discovered a very strong sexual attraction for each
other and we are desperate to have sex. From what she tells me, she has more
than enough experience to satisfy me the way I've been dying for.

I dont want to have sex with this girl from the internet behind my
girlfriends back as it would be wrong and weigh in heavily on my consciense.
So lately I've had thoughts about possibily suggesting a threesome. I am
afraid that if I do so, my girlfriend will become furious and extremely
upset and possibly even break up with me. Maybe Im just thinking too
rationally, but that's what Im picturing. There is marriage potential
between me and my girlfriend and I dont want to screw it up. She is the only
one I love and no one could ever replace her. I am just eager to become
satisfied and have sex with this other woman in a possible threesome. So how
would you suggest I go about bringing up this option of a threesome to my
girlfriend?

It seems like the only way to go honestly. I've tried to suggest different
ways to spice up my sex life with my girlfriend and she is either turned off
by the idea's or not willing to attempt them (Im talking simple and common
stuff here). I've also tried watching porn movies with her and even various
books and she is not interested in anything exciting. I am really horny for
this girl from the internet because I want to be sexually pleased
desperately. Please help with any information you have on how I could
suggest a threesome and/or become satisfied with my sex life. Please dont
put my name or e-mail address on the website either. Please help me and
respond to me through email when your free. Thank you. P

A:  It sounds to me like you don't want a threesome -- you want your cake and to eat her -- uh I mean it -- too!  Having a threesome under these circumstances is like saying "I want to be sexually wild and crazy with this other woman and the only way I can do it not behind your back is if you're there.  By the way, you're welcome to give me permission and to just watch."  I applaud your perceptiveness in anticipating her reaction.  You're most likely right on!

Your interests are valid but you need to find ONE woman who possesses all of what you want.  Marriage potential is great but if you two do not fulfill each other's needs there is a high probability of divorce.

Assess what you value from each of these women and see if you can find a woman who offers all of these qualities.  But a threesome is a short-term goal doomed for even the medium-term.  Find one woman who has it all and marry her!

10/21/02 He writes again:  hey T. check it out. this is what the guy sent me. its pasted below. i
agree 100 percent with him on everything. i'll talk to you about it more in
detail later on. take care. peace. ~P~

She will also have a dildo in her vagina and be using a bullet for clitoral
stimulation. After she climaxes, anal sex becomes uncomfortable to her and I
have to withdraw long before I can climax.

Any advice?

J

A:  Orgasm is a summation of neurological stimulation.  To "slow it down" you need to remove some of the stimulation.

I am not at all surprised that she comes so quickly with all that stimulation!

Take away the dildo and the bullet and warm her up as little as necessary to enter her anally and see if you have "time" to come!  As soon as you come, then she can use the dildo and bullet so she comes.  She might find it really pleasurable to climax while your erection is still in her rectum.

Let me know what happens!

sexdoc

My clitoris is big, this has not been a problem before. It has always allowed me to enjoy sex,and all my partners has enjoyed it too, more librucations, more sensations and more satisfaction and pleasure. (my breasts are big too).

However, I have been developing some insecurities lately. I have been seeing a woman, (Although I am not Lesbian) but it happened that there was a connection between us (emotional developed to sexual). My girl friend does not accept me being with men as long as I m with her, and my affection and care does not want to hurt her, so I abide by the decision. I am extremely an attractive woman. I attract both sexes too.

Her descision not allowing me to be with men, or giving me the guilt feeling if I do, has been putting down our sexual life. I have expressed many times to her my desire to be with a man, and I even told her that we can have a tresome, Yet, she says that I can go and f*** around, but she can never have a tresome with me and see a man fuck me.

Yet she gives me a conflict and threatens me indirectly if I ever dared to have intercourse with any one else.

I have been avoiding to have sex with her, and even if we do, I have to fantasize about a man. I loved her so much, maybe more than to leave her or cheat on her. especailly that she has done so much for me (like breaking her marriage after month, leaving her family although they object).

I have been having insecurities, my clitoris is big, maybe from all the masturbation and oral sex we have had. I don't want to continue on such basis especailly that I heard that too much masturbation or being with a woman would change the woman to be a man. (My theater class, discussing the midivel theater).
I am 25 years old now, please ease my insecurities with a good advice. I understand that masturbation and being bisexual is not worng, actually it is a normal way of life. We tried to use a dildos, but I don't enjoy it as much as real penis, we used a vibrator, hands etc. But i love natural sex, with a man, and a loving realtionship with a woman. What should I do? Is having a little oversized clitoris a normal thing?

Sincerely,
lost
 

A:  This is a sexual identity question and a relationship question, not a sexual question!  First, how do you know that your clitoris is bigger than average?  Yes, masturbation can cause the clitoris and labia to engorge, but if resolved through orgasm frequently enough, clitoral hypertrophy usually does not occur.   It gets bigger and stays bigger if you are stimulated for a long period of time WITHOUT orgasm.

No amount of masturbation can "change a woman into being a man!"

There is also a matter of monogamy.  If you and she have a commitment to be sexually exclusive with each other, that means no sex with anyone -- male or female.  If you wish to have sex with other people, you need an agreement with each lover that that is OK.

The question is how you get your relationship and other needs met in a stable way that can be perpetuated.  It sounds as though you are submissive and stay in the relationship more out of obligation and guilt than out of preference.  I think consulting a therapist for values clarification would help.

Enjoy your freedom and fexibility!

sexdoc

A:  The telltale signs are 1) the odor of her vagina on his penis  2) the odor of scented soap on his penis but not elsewhere on his body (maybe also arm pits) and 3) an unusual increased or decreased interest in being sexual with you -- a change in the "usual" progression of events.

For example, if you two get together, go out for dinner, come back to your place, then have sex as your "usual" pattern, a deviation would be his arrival and interest in sex before going out or returning later and begging off with what you think/suspect is a bull shit excuse.

Does this help?

sexdoc

                 sincerly, s

A:  YES this is perfectly normal (no pathology at all),  YES please give her the message that this is a "private" or "bathroom" thing -- and YES please encourage her to tickle in her own room.

If you make a big deal out of this she will likely do it in front of "company" to get attention.

Treat it like going potty.  It's OK but something you do in private.

She might out grow it or she might do it forever.  But do not send the message that sex is "bad" or "naughty" etc.

A:  Enjoy pleasuring yourself and yes, this is perfectly "normal."

sexdoc

       I'm 39 years old and have been in a relationship with a woman of the
same age for two years. We are both very much in love and our sex life has
been really good. Recently a friend of mine introduced me to Viagra as sort
of a recreational drug. He pointed me to an article that basically stated how
much better sex can be with it even if you don't have any sexual difficulty.
At any rate I ordered some from an online pharmacy and tryed some 50mg doses.
I must admit my erection was rock hard and the sex was marginally better.
I've used Viagra for maybe the last 20 times we've had intercourse and she
likes it too. However here's my problem, I'm feeling lousy about using a
sexual enhancer and recently tried having sex without it. My Penis worked but
not anywhere near as good with the viagra. Now I have myself so phsyched out
that I'm afraid to have sex without taking the drug. It's to the point that I
can' barely get it up because I'm thinking about it so much. How do I get
back to the old me?  Thanks J

A:
You have spoiled yourself!  You either have sex without Viagra and without expectations for the performance of your penis, or you see a sex therapist to help you decondition from obsessing  about it so much!

A:  Dear G,

Because I KNOW that many readers will identify with your plight and how you have articulated it,  I am posting it to the Q/A area.

Any sexual relationship is a combination of need fulfillment, cognitive overlay (it means love or respect or indulgence or anger, etc.), communication, initiative and compliance, and negotiation (among other things).  Communication is the key because it is the vehicle for asserting what you want and when (how often).  One of the things that happens very often in sex therapy is the "discovery" that both partners have been harboring some things they wanted to communicate but they were constrained from communicating for various reasons.  Assumptions are absolutely destructive to sexual interchange because they are often incorrect, but both parties "play along" for fear of disapproval from the other.  During sexual disinhibition -- a part of most sex therapy -- it almost always happens that each "finally" gets the courage to divulge what he or she wants, only to then find that the other is enthusiastic!  Sometimes the reaction is lukewarm BUT a negotiation point.

Having decribed that in the abstract I will now be more specific.  I have had couples in therapy married anywhere from 3 to 28 years where one will divulge something like "I want to try anal sex" or "I would like to watch you masturbate."  Sometimes the response is "I really don't want to do that" but often it is "OK but I get to do to you what you do to me.  Let's get a strap-on dildo so you will know what it feels like." (And some guys then discover the joy of prostrate massage.)

My suggestion to you, G, is that you cut and paste this Q/A into a word processor, print it out, and find an opportunity when you and your wife can talk for 30-60 mintes without interruption.  Describe exactly what your idea of sexual perfection with her would be, and be concrete in your description of how you interpret her behavior ("... half-assed and not in a hurry ...").  Be SURE to keep it balanced.  For example, say "I am frustrated by some of our sexual contact and I would like you to have an idea of what I would like and I want to know what you would like."  As with all conflicted discussions, make sure that you focus on "I" statements and avoid accusations ("you" statements) that will inspire defensiveness.  Be sure to keep in mind what each of you gets for what you "give up."  Most people in a couple relationship want to please their partner and a majority finds that periodic communication about sex along with sexual variety results in a greater sense of bonding.

Please let me know what you do and what happens.  Remind me that you e-mailed on 10/2/02.

sexdoc

10/1/02 Q:
                 Hi i am a normal man. I like girls but when I see boys a little bit naked i go crazy! I would like to
                 touch their penis and make sex with them but when i see girls i calm down. I love boys and I do
                 not know what to do about this problem so that i turn into a normal man back again!
                 When we have sports lessons and I see many naked men so hot, my penis gets really straight
                 and my brain strats thinking of making sex with them!
                 What can I do to solve this problem?

A:  If you have not yet had sex with a woman this could also signal sexual immaturity -- meaning that you may see sex with men as more easily attainable or less threatening -- and having sexual contacts with males and females over the age of consent in your state will provide definitive data.

Please keep an open mind and talk with a sex therapist if you are uncomfortable.

sexdoc

He writes again:
                 hi i am a gay.
                 ahhhh i like to touch my penis and that of other men!!! i love to make sex and fucking other men
                 and fitting my penis in their mouth and their ass! I want to know more games i can make with my
                 penis to enjoy more sex with a gay!

Im writing you with a broken heart.

Ive been with my husband for 16 years (married 11).  6 years ago he had an affair with a married woman who he (at the time) felt he loved and wanted to leave everything behind for her.  Until I found out, he had been spending most of his work day on the phone with her engaging in sexual conversations as well as emailing the same.  They rondevouzed  on 3 occasions before it was discovered.  He would also make constant attempts to escape the house to call her from a payphone on the weekends.  Long story short  - it didnt work out and he pledged to make our marriage work,

The rest Im about to tell you is what Ive just discovered in the last week.

3 months after his affair ended, he was on a business trip and a woman started hitting on him at a bar. He reciprocated and nothing really came of it, until 2 months ago when it started again like it was with the first woman.  Constant sexual email and phone calls - up to 40 a day and he was again sneaking off to the pay phone to call her.  I just found out that on his business trip last wee -she flew out to be with him.  Hes not sure he has love feelings for her, but does have some feelings none-the-less.

Also, one year after the first affair ended a woman at work wanted him - he wasnt really attracted to her, but would respond back when she would shove him into the stairwell and fondle him and kiss him.  On our last day in that city (we were being relocated) she called him on the phone and said this is your last chance - meet me at the hotel in 15 minutes and sure enough -he went.  Never saw or talked to her after that.

He tells me that he loves me, but as women issues - and he says that if any woman pays him any attention - hell go for her, no matter the cost. He loves the attention and how they flirt with him and touch him and tell him sexy things.  He doesnt know if he can ever stop this.  He just doesnt have the impulse control to stop himself once she bats eyelashes at him.  I

Can therapy help him discover what these issues are and can he ever find the willpower to not do what he know is wrong?

Weve been together so long, that I just dont know how to compare with these women who can offer flavor and variety.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

A:  This is  selfishness disguised as mental pathology.

I do not buy for a second that he cannot "control" himself.  This is rude, selfish, immature behavior and the prognosis is poor for lasting behavior change.

I suggest that YOU talk with a therapist about the emotional choices you need to make.  So long as you "buy" his story, why should he change?

sexdoc

My question: Have you heard of anyone having orgasms while exercising intensely? (without any sexual or mental stimulation) --I've asked a few friends over the years if they've had or have heard of the experience & they act like I'm out of my mind!

Details: I'm female, now age 46. I had my first orgasm when I was around 20 years old while doing sit-ups. (yes, I developed strong abs to say the least!) - At first I wasn't sure what it was - I remember the sensation going through my middle to lower thigh muscles as they tightened was so incredible after doing around 100 sit-ups that I didn't want to stop - I continued the sit-ups up to and through orgasm - sometimes doing 200+ sit-ups. For a few years following, exercise was the only way I knew how to reach orgasm. Besides the sit-ups, I discovered that raised leg lifts also gave me climaxes. In later years, when I learned how to have orgasms through sexual stimulation, I realized the orgasms I experienced through exercise were nearly the same - (The ones through exercise spread the tingling throughout my body more.)
I let my exercise program go as I aged & had two children ... It was no longer a necessary tool to achieve orgasm, so my muscles aren't what they used to be. I did keep a part of the exercise experience, though, and when I intensify & tighten my muscles throughout my abs, hips & thighs during sexual stimulation, I can achieve orgasm much quicker. Having gained a little weight recently, I've started exercising again - I'm up to 50 sit-ups now & can tell it won't be long before I'm able to climax through exercise alone again. (It's providing an incentive to exercise for certain!)

Have you heard of this before?
Thanks,
A

A:  Dear A,

Yes, but it is a curvilinear relationship:  Too few situps and no orgasm.  The "right" number and whammo.  Too many and whoops -- no orgasm no matter what!  Many women can sit in a chair, cross their legs, and orgasm from swinging the upper leg up and down.  Some can just squeeze their thighs together rythmically and come!

Try a vibrator now before something compromises your abilities ....

By the way, a minority of women can lie down, be perfectly relaxed and from mental concentration alone, have an orgasm.  This was tested in a hospital with all kinds of sensore on the body.  Ten women who claimed they could do this volunteered.  7 had tension-free orgasms and three said that they were too distracted by the wires and hospital setting.

sexdoc

She replies:  Hello again Dr. Fitzgerald,

THANK YOU for your reply!  at last someone knows what I've experienced! I've only told a few friends here & there over the years, usually decided to keep it to myself again because of the blank look on their faces, but have always wondered....
Question about the curvilinear relationship you mentioned in your reply: Please forgive my stupidity, but I'm trying to picture it -- (the math coordinate system keeps taking over my mind with perpendicular visions when I think of this term) -- Is it from the way the blood flows throughout the body & where the most intense circulation lands related to the muscles/body curvature/movement?? or ??

Does this happen to guys too?

Thanks again,
A

A:  Think of the curvilinear relationship between alcohol consumption and sexual response.  For most folks, zero alcohol intake means they are kind of on alert and not relaxed.  A drink or two relaxes you so you feel more amenable to be sexual (hence the old expression "candy is dandy but liquor is quicker").  Too much alcohol and the CNS (central nervous system) depression renders you less responsive to sexual stimulation and unable to experience orgasm (or prohibits some guys from getting an erection).  Now apply that to exercise.  If you do only 30, no orgasm.  If you do 50, orgasm.  If you were to exercise too much, such as runners who go more than 35 miles a week, it interferes with sexual response.  But hey, if you have an orgasm around 50 - 100 sit-ups, there is no "too much" for you!

Tensing various body muscles to speed up the arrival of climax is EXTREMELY common! (As is holding one's breath.)

Most guys need some penile stimulation but some can have an orgasm with or without erection from prostate stimulation alone,  I have NEVER heard of a guy who can come from mental concentration or exercise that does not include penile stimulation.

I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now.  We really hit it off together.  We love to stimulte each other manually and orally.  He had a vasectomy one month prior to our relationship.
He is having great difficulty in maintaning his erection.  He is hard for about a minute then goes soft. When I perform oral sex on him he doesn't get completely hard ( well, hard enough for vaginal penetration).
HE says that he is very aroused and I believe him.  I don't complain about his erections or the lack of vaginal penetration.  He gets me off just fine orally and with his fingers.  I just feel that I need the penetration.
At times he fears the bedroom or his lack of performance.
I told him that it is all in his head and that he may feel guilty ( I have been living with someone else for 15 years).
He thinks it's his vasectomy, I say it's guilt.
What do you say?
He has made an appointment to see his surgeon.  the date is December 3rd.
He doesn't get hard  when he masterbates either?

A:  There is NO physical relationship between a vasectomy and erections.  If he had good erections before the vasectomy it's all in his head and he needs to see a sex therapist immediately to prevent further rehearsal of negative tapes!

Best Wishes and I appreciate your candor!

sexdoc

No.  In fact, swallowing sperm kills them very quickly from the acid in the stomach.

There is no internal route between the digestive system and the reproductive system.

Make sure that NO liquid that comes out of a man's penis gets into your vagina.  So-called "pre-cum" -- the clear liquid that comes out when a guy is excited -- contains about 80,000 sperm!

And some women have gotten pregnant by giving a guy a hand job then stimulating themselves, pushing semen into their vagina.  And it is technically possible to get pregnant if you have anal sex and the semen oozes out of your rectum and gets into your vagina.

Sex education prevents anxiety from not knowing what to avoid!

Thank you for your kind comments

sexdoc
 

9/17/02 Q:  Dear Dr Fitz

I am a sexually active sixteen year old. I have been with my boyfriend for
five months, and as a safety measure for the both of us, I want to
go to a gyno. I am really scared though. I cry everytime that I think about
it. I have never had any sexual education in my life, and I have no idea
what is natural, what is average. It is really hard for me to let someone I
dont know get so personal with me, when I am not comfortable with myself at
all. I have looked on sites to see what the female anatomy is supposed to
look like, but I am very sure that woman arent naturally hairless. Another
question I haev, it is very embarassing for me. Is it normal to have hair
around the anus? I think that my hormons are off balance or something,
because other girls arent like this that I have seen. HELP!

Sincerely
Scared to do the right thing

A:  Sigh!  How often this occurs!  The idea of "keep them ignorant and they won't become sexually active" still persists!  Hair distribution is extraordinarily idiosyncratic  (seriously different from person to person) so your lack of pubic hair around your vagina and your presence of hair around your anus could be totally "normal" but it could signal a hormonal or other anomaly (something gone wrong).  Only a medical doctor can decide by assessing physical signs and/or taking tests (blood samples etc.).  Please see a medical doctor and volunteer your nervousness!

sexdoc

9/16/02 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 12 years and sex has never been a
problem for both of us.  My concern is that he always takes a long time
before ejaculation and when he does, he can immediately get an erection for
a second, third or fourth time, and there has been a couple of times we did
it seven times in a row.  He claims he can only do this with me and as
powerful as the "attraction" between the two of us, I am worried he maybe
faking the "pleasure" he gets from the actual intercourse as opposed to what
I believe is a man's objective:  ejaculation.  Can my lover be telling the
truth when he tells me that he tries to control his orgasm because it feels
really good just being inside me?  I am beginning to think that he may not
be getting enough stimulation from my genitalia, but I am also aware that I
am considerably small, in frame and in built.  I am 5'5" and weigh about 108
pounds and have a 34 inch hips.
A

A:  Dear A:  YES, YES, YES!  Just as many women find sexual pleasuring without orgasm to be immensely enjoyable -- to the truly incredible disbelief of young males who ARE orgasm fixated -- many men find it pleasing as well.  While popular mythology conveys the message that guys always come before their lady, a woman who experiences orgasm soon after penetration and who then finds the friction of vaginal intercourse noxious, can leave her lover frustrated and unfulfilled.

So yes, while his ability to re-attain an erection quickly and to experience multiple orgasms is rare (and the envy of many readers), the friction of intercourse itself is the stimulus for endorphin release and thus pleasure.

You say nothing about what YOU want or enjoy.  If you like this, just make sure you are lubricated enough -- if not, add Astroglide or KY Liquid (not jelly) or if no latex is involved, use Albolene unscented moisturizing makeup remover.

9/17/02 Q:
                 Can you please take the time to make a list, top 5 or all, of reasons your partner of 3 years
                 changes his sexual everything. His touch is different, his feel, his actions, his moans, his behavior
                 overall, his positions and attitude, his stroke, etc.

                 Around 1 1/2 to 2 years of our relationship, live with him and my daughter and pregnant with his
                 son, this happened to me. Just out of the blue, one night, and it lasted 1-3 days(?). I made him
                 stop in the middle because I just couldn't continue. I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I felt
                 like I was cheating on him because I was with somebody else. The second time it was around 2
                 1/2 years into our relationship. Same senerio and same denial.

                 Well, he begged me to get opinions or doctors advice on other reasons, besides adultery, that
                 this would happen to somebody.

                 I would greatly appreciate your time.

                 Thank you, B

A:  The most likely reason is that at some level of consciousness he decided to be less inhibited and to just let it all hang out" and do what he wanted!  The vast majority of people are inhibited about their sexuality and suppress what they REALLY want to do/say/experience.  I get many e-mails from people saying things like "Now that I turned 48 (years of age) I have decided that I will acknowledge that I like erotic enemas and being spanked and instead of being what my lover wants I'm going to find a lover who wants to participate in what I want!  No more keeping quiet about what I want!"

Aside from the adultery you mention, which is often signaled by a change in the frequency or nature of sexual behavior, the other possibility is that his soul was invaded by a sexual libertine from a prior century.  Enjoy the variety!

9/12/02 Q:  Dear Doctor,

I have just discovered your site and have found it to be of great interest.
I will spend many hours reading the questions and responses.  The answer to
my question is no doubt on the site and I am yet to discover it but in the
mean time I will ask anyway.

I have tried many things over 23 years to get my wife to perform oral sex
but to no avail.

I have tried discussing it with her but can't get her to openly discuss this
issue.  while I'm not complaining about our sex life I would welcome any
suggestion as to how I might get her to at least try oral sex.  Presently,
oral pleasure is all one way (she enjoys it  but often stops me because of
this fact).

Have you any suggestions?

Cheers

Desperate Oral Participant
 

A:  It's usually a matter of breaking the act down into small steps and identifying what her displeasure is.  Once you identify it, try to deal with it.

For some women it is  "dirt" (wash first)

For others it is a fear of gagging and throwing up (put her hand on the shaft so she doesn't take too much in her mouth)

Or fear that you will demand that she swallow (promise to tell her when you're about to come and do it OUTSIDE her mouth)

Get the picture?

sexdoc

8/14/02 Q:  I am a 44 year old female.  My boyfriend and i have been together for the last 7 years. He is 53 years old, separated with 2 grown-up children.  We've been living together for the past 2 years.  We have a very good and healthy sex life.  I recently mentioned to him that I've been reading some funny articles about sex toys in magazines.  He pleasantly surprised me last weak by presenting some sex toys in our bedroom which he had bought that morning.  He also bought me some sexy lengerie.  The toys were two penises one of which looked totally real.  When we got into it, I started kissing him on his penis and to my big surprise he did the same thing to the rubber one.  He was licking it exactly in the same way I was licking him.  He was extremely excited and we both enjoyed the game very much.  I am curious about something though.  I never thought that my boyfriend could actually put a penis in his mouth.  It seems to me that perhaps he already had that kind of experiencein reality in the past.  I know that eventhogh he was married, because of a lot of travelling and also because his relationship with his wife was not good, he had lots of experiences.  Could you kindly explain to me what it means if a man acts like that, i.e. by giving a blow job to another penis (even if it is fake)?  is it that he has some gay tendencies?  I was very surprised but it didn't really shock me to see him doing that.
Awaiting your kind reply
Thanks very much

A:  Ah, sigh, once again homophobia rears its ugly head!  I will start by stating as firmly as possible that homosexuality -- literally "sex with the same" is defined by the gender of the participants, not the nature of the activity!  Think about it.  As I have written elsewhere in this mass of Q/As, if a lesbian licks her female lover to orgasm, then a man licks the same recipient to orgasm, does HIS licking make him a lesbian?  If a man inserts his penis into another man's rectum, we say that either or both is gay, bisexual, or experimenting.  If a woman straps on a dildo and rectally penetrates her male lover, does that make her a gay male?  Does that make her a lesbian?  What?  And does the simple act of being anally penetrated by anyone, female or male, make the insertee gay?  I think not!  The boundary gets even blurrier for women who like anal sex.  Does that imply that they are really closet transgender gay males?

My first thought as I was reading your e-mail was that he was being narcissistic;  licking the dildo as symbolic of his penis.  My second thought was that he was doing to the dildo what he wanted you to do to his penis -- sort of demonstrating.  But it sounds like you did something to his penis and he mimicked you.

Much of our brainwashed knee jerk attitude about this comes from the pervasive Judeo-Christian infusion of so-called morality into our thinking.  In many states the crime of sodomy is still defined as oral or anal penetration without regard to gender, so fellatio and/or cunnilingus in the marital bed can be prosecuted!

It is NOT true that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse (and anything besides missionary position is "kinky").  Many couples enjoy having the man use a double dildo or two separate dildos in the vagina and anus simultaneously, often with the woman using fingers or a vibrator on her clitoris.  We classify that as "uninhibited sex play."  Why, then, if a woman is giving her male lover a hand job or a blow job, and she inserts a dildo into his rectum massaging his prostate (and thereby cementing his devotion and commitment never to stray from her), do we complicate that by spending brain time on whether he has gay tendencies?

The anus in both genders has a huge quantity of nerve endings, and if a dildo is angled "just right," it can stimulate a woman's g-spot and a man's prostate adding significant pleasure to whatever else is going on.   But there are men, with police and firefighters well-represented, who refuse to have a colonoscopy because it will "make them queer," or who burst into tears during or after the procedure because they are no longer "a virgin back there."

All of this having been said, there are men who experimented with homosexual behavior, and who enjoyed the prostate massage and anal stimulation afforded by receiving anal sex, but who were uncomfortable being sexual with a man.  What better, then, to have the best of both worlds by engaging in sexual behavior with a woman, but getting anal and prostate massage from her?  This is a good time to use an over-used statement that applies so well here:  "NOT A PROBLEM!"

Dear Reader,  I receive a question like this about once a week, and I waited until now to throw in the diverse related topics from other questions.  So yes, I have apparently over-answered her question.

8/14/02 Q:
Hi There Sex Doc!

I am a 23 yr old female.  I recently (due to increasing physiological needs/desires) have upped the consistency and methods of masturbation.  I am quite fond of the Faucet Technique …..more than fond really.  It is amazing!  I was having a conversation with a friend about and it she was telling me about something she read on the risks of this type of activity.  She told me there is a chance of Fatal Air Embolism.  Is this true; are there any risks associated with masturbating with the tub faucet?  I just couldn’t imagine what my mother would say if I had to be carted off to the emergency room or god-forbid the mortuary because of masturbating!!!

Thanks!
 

A:  Dear A,

Fatal Air Embolism is impossible from a water faucet!  It is possible if, just at the right time of your menstrual cycle, a lover were to blow air forcibly into your vagina, and I mean with great force like he or she was trying to blow up a balloon!

But PLEASE don't worry about water sprays.  Women use them in the shower and hot tub all the time!

You might find

         http://www.the-clitoris.com/n_html/n_masturb.htm

interesting!

sexdoc

p.s.  I just got through answering the following e-mail and I am reminded of something that connects yours with hers:

 I once had a patient describe being in a hot tub, and when finally alone, pulling her bikini bottoms down, and while she was trying to position herself so the water jet behind her would be shooting between her legs and onto her labia and clitoris, the water was contacting her body down her spine, lower and lower as she raised herself up, and that as it was aimed squarely on her anus, she had "... the most violent orgasm of my (her) entire life!"  She said that a week later she tried to duplicate that, and that it felt very nice, but that it did not again bring her to orgasm (but lifting higher so the water jet went past her labia and hit her clitoris did it "every time").

7/10/02 Q:  I've looked all over the internet for a situation like this one and haven't
found anything. I hope I'm not wasting your time by asking this, I didn't
see anything like it in your Q&A files either. I'm not sure if I have a
medical problem or if I just don't know enough about sex to really be able
to enjoy it. I've heard this and that from my friends, but I think I need
the opinion of someone with more knowledge. I want to know what's going on
and what I can do to fix the problem.

Personal Stuff: I'm a 21 year old female. My girlfriend and I have been
together 'officially' for at least 1 year (secretly - there's only two
people in 'real life' that have any idea that we're together), have known
eachother for at least 7 years, and were sexually interactive on-and-off for
about 4 years. Our relationship has been pretty rocky concerning affection
and intimacy, and last month left me with some trust issues I'm not entirely
certain I've worked through. I have difficulty dealing with physical
intimacy in general (like hugging or kissing), although I'm getting more
comfortable with these things lately. I take no medications now and haven't
taken anything other than advil for over a year, though I've been diagnosed
with mental illnesses in the past. I don't view my life as being stressful,
and I'm not prone to wasting a lot of time worrying about things.

The Problem: My girlfriend and I hadn't really done any sexual things for
maybe seven or eight months, maybe longer than that, up until just less than
a month ago. Now that we're sexual again and my girlfriend learned that I
had never had an orgasm before, she made it a goal of hers to get me to
climax. She has given up this goal because, first of all, I told her that
she was making me feel very pressured with her frusteration and impatience;
and secondly, because I just can't seem to do have one.

The very first time we tried, I felt something that seemed like it -could-
have been an orgasm. She was touching my clit very lightly, and I felt a
little pleasure and a very obnoxious burning feeling. After some time had
passed and the burning feeling had become unbearable, I felt the inside of
my lower stomach twist, then let go - like it was tied in a knot, and
suddenly released. It wasn't much different from the feeling of having a
muscle in my arm spasm, except that the muscle was larger and the
contraction, therefore, much stronger. I didn't feel any pleasure associated
with the spasm. Yet I felt like we had finished, and there was a sense of
release. I lost interest in being sexual, and the burning feeling I'd had
prior to the spasm evaporated. I haven't experienced anything like this
since. I probably could, if I had patience enough to bring the burning
sensation to an unbearable point again, but it doesn't seem like much fun.

Now, a larger problem has surfaced. Everything goes fine when she and I
start out; I feel very relaxed and comfortable, and enjoy myself very much.
Then, if she's stimulating my clit, I hit a point of excitement where
pleasure is roaming through my legs, causing them to twitch and spasm... and
then things suddenly become very painful. It feels uncomfortable to have her
touch my breasts or anything else that's sensitive, and it hurts to have her
touch my clit. If I don't stop her from touching my clit then the pain
increases in intensity until I can't stand it any more and HAVE to tell her
to stop, and courses through my legs in the place of pleasure.

The pain seems less intense or less quick to surface some nights than
others, and using a light touch doesn't appear to help. I've tried to bring
myself to orgasm through masterbation and still experience pain, (not as
intensely if I'm using my fingers, but if I use a vibrator it can be almost
no different from when my girlfriend touches me). I never feel any pain
before reaching that point of excitement, and it doesn't hurt to touch my
clit at all if I'm not at the point where I'm starting to lose control of my
body.

Thank you for your time,
Frusterated

A:  Dear Frustrated,

Unfortunately, a small percentage of women have their "wires crossed" internally and unpleasant things happen when sexually stimulated.  Some women lose bladder control, a few lose bowel control, many experience numbness in the extremities, and some experience pain, among other unexpected things.

To the best of my knowledge this is uncorrectable, but asking a sex positive neurologist for an assessment would be prudent.

Some women report experimenting with alternative areas of stimulation to reach orgasm painter.  Various body parts are reported and almost always in combination:  thighs, buttocks, nipples, lips, ears, neck, anus, g-spot, and/or any other spot on your body that uniquely feels good when touched.

The best advice is for you to experiment to see what might work for you to bring yourself to orgasm -- think outside of the box -- and if you can do that reliably, then teach your lover what to do.

I hope this helps.
 

7/7/02  Q:  hi there doc.. I am hoping you can help me.   My boyfriend and I have been having sex for almost a year now.    Things are pretty good and we both come everytime.  My question is this...We would like to experiment with anal sex (on him).  I have tried it and do not like it.. it does nothing for me, however i have heard if done right to a man it could be a wonderful thing.    I have attempted it by placing by index finger in the apropriate hole, he says it feels great and i can tell he's enjoying it... but i dont think im hitting his g-spot.. Could you please help me!!!!..where do i need to apply the pressure.. and how far up?

A:  If he's lying on his back, push your finger in as far as possible and push up making a "come here" motion while applying pressure.  Use tons of lube and no sharp fingernails.  Enjoy

sexdoc

7/7/02 Q:  I would like to know your opinion this. My girlfriend and I were experiencing with giving me a prostate message one day in Dec 2001. The problem we used  a skin lotion (Suave Aloe and Botanicals Therapy Lotion product # 79400 80470) which  I believe chemically burn me. I am still un comfortable today. Besides having a uncomfortable bottom, my bladder had blood in it for approx 3 months and it  still acts up. I have had all the testing you can have for your bladder and colon.Other then being uncomfortable -all the tests results come back negative, except for occasional upset bladder and a deep red area at the base of my anal opening, fullness in rectum,burning anal area and swollen rectum feeling. I uncomfortable 24/7- what would you do now?  embarrasses and upset

A:  Dr. Fisher replies:

Well, it could be a few things that you are dealing with here.  If I was
you, I would be checked for sexually transmitted diseases to rule that out
first.  From some of the symptoms that you describe, it may be Gonorrhea or
a Chlamydia infection.

As for the red spot at the base of your anus.  Chemical burns would likely
have disappeared by this time. It may be that there is a anal tear at that
spot that will not heal.

If anything, I would be most likely to diagnose this as a case of
Prostatitis....inflammation of the Prostate and surrounding glands.  It will
cause bladder problems, uncomfortable rectum and bowel movements, soreness
and swelling.  Have a urologist check this.  This sounds more like a problem
with the prostate.

6/27/02 Q:  ...I am a 19 year old female...and have been with my boyfriend for a little
over a month. Tonight...we had sex...he was on top...and he lifted my legs
up by placing his arms under my legs and holding them up...and after I
came...my eyes started to tear...I was actually crying..which I don't
understand...it made me laugh...but I was wondering why the cause of that
was...and if its normal. Could you please answer that for me...I tried
looking something up on the internet but I couldn't find anything.

Thanks Alot,
H

A:  Dear H,

The nerves in the brain get short-circuited on orgasm and some women cry, some laugh, some sneeze (uncontrollably for several minutes) and some lose bladder or bowel control (and there are other weird things, too).

Be thankful for your unique short-circuit!

And, because medical scientists see no academic merit in these anomalies, they are not researched.

sexdoc

Sincerely, P.

A:  In the same way that some women have big breasts, some small, some have low sensitivity (and say things like "I need a jack hammer on my clit for 30 minutes to come") and others have a sensitive clitoris.

The universal recommendation is that she bring herself to orgasm while you watch like a research scientist, then next time, you try to do exactly what you saw.

The dilated diameter of the vaginal opening (technically the introitus vaginae) is a matter of both tissue upper limits and muscle factors, both voluntary and involuntary.  If she is nervous or anxious, she could be unconsciously clenching it shut.  If she wants you to think she is a virgin, thus tight, she could be consciously clenching.

Find the link to Kegel exercises on my home page and have her do them while she has one, then two of HER fingers in her vagina so she gets the biofeedback that tells her what to do to relax those muscles.

But in the final analysis, while the vagina is an extraordinarily flexible organ, there are real size mismatches and sometimes 5 into 4 won't go no matter what.

6/26/02  Q:    Dear Doc,

I love your site and have read through most of your Q&A postings.  Thank you
for your generous service.

I have a quick question that I couldn't find much info from your postings.
I am a male in my 30's.  I was having a casual discussion with a couple of
female friends of mine yesterday regarding to an odour coming from the
vagina that I repeatedly smelled over the years from having sex (orally or
vaginally) with some of my female partners.  I am talking about the "fishy"
odour.  In terms of degree of the "fishy" odour, some are light, others are
heavy.   My female friends told me that a normal or healthy woman should not
have any odour coming from her vagina.  They said a "fishy" odour is a sign
of a vagina infection, most likely yeast infection.  I think most of my guy
friends think it's normal for woman to smell "fishy".

So my questions are 1) "should a healthy woman have any odour  (smelling
fishy or other scents) coming from her vagina normally and during sex?"  2)
Should a woman's secretion have an odour?

Thanks in-advance for looking into my question.

Puzzled
 

A:  All vaginas have some distinctive odor, but a healthy vagina's odor is not offensive.

Women can have a cottage cheese-like whitish discharge from a yeast infection, which smells acrid

Women who do not wash under the clitoral hood can develop smegma -- the same cheesy paste of sloughed off skin cells mixed with body oils that uncircumcised men get under their foreskin, and that smells fishy.

And finally, even a woman who is freshly washed -- externally -- douching is NOT necessary and can cause problems -- will have a different odor after unprotected vaginal intercourse because the semen mixes with her vaginal secretions and synergistically creates a new smell.

The next time you are with a fishy smelling woman, take a shower with her and wash gently under her clitoral hood, then go to bed and sniff to see if the fishy odor is gone.  That's your experiment.

I hope this helps.
 

6/14/02  Q:  it was about 4 months ago when i had a bright idea and decided to stick my
vibrator inside my  vagina in which i usually never had done before ever i
have always used it just on my clit but i sat on it this time and was just
moving up and down on it. i didnt have any pain at the time but about 5 days
later my bowel habits changed as  far as me not being able to pass gas
normally and i have extreme pain in my pelvic area and my groin going down my
legs my buttox area also hurt for a while and my sciatic nerves as well when
me and my husband have sex the pain seems to get worse the pain in my leg
feels like something is being pulled i have been to my gyno and have had
other tests done as far as like a pelvic cat scan a cat scan  of my
intestines a flex sig an mri of my back ultrasounds and all  have come back
normal i dont know if its possible for tendons or ligaments to be torn or
irritated in the pelvic area but i cant seem to think of anything else that
could  be wrong pretty much every test had been done except for cutting me
open and i really dont want to be doing that if its something simple or
something that will just take time to heal id appreciate it if you could give
me some input on what you think i could have done im very frustrated at this
point  thank you

A:  Dr. Chance Fisher replies: Oh, the thing we women will do for pleasure...been there and done that and felt like I pulled every damn muscle below my navel on down!

I am glad that you received an excellent exam/testing to rule out any
disease.  It is possible that you temporarily damaged the cervix with the
force of the vibrator and that the tissue and muscles stretch and clinch
when you are having sex, making it uncomfortable.....it will feel like a
nerve shooting down your leg and even making changes in the digestive tract
(gas passing).

I would try to lay off of the "lets sit on the vibrator".  If you have a
vibrator that resembles a "bullet" or that is hard plastic, consider
purchasing one that resembles a more "natural" penis...soft plastic.  Take
it easy and make sure that you are well lubricated during any sexual
activity because if you do have a small tear or tissue damage, dryness will
increased the discomfort.

6/14/02 Q:
I am in a committed relationship of 6 years (not married yet but we plan to marry and have children).  I'm a 27 year old woman and he's 36.  We love each other very much and have a great relationship.  We have a bit of a desire differential (I want it more than he does) but we are handling that pretty well I think (sometimes we work on getting him in the mood, or he just helps me masturbate or I masturbate alone).  The issue is that he rarely is willing to perform oral sex (even though he gets it for the asking from me).  He is aware that I'd like it more often, he's said he'll try to do it more often, and nothing ever happens.  He does have several "excuses" such as the fact that he has asthma, allergies and a deviated septum (doesn't breathe through his nose well) and often has canker sores.  Also he's sort of squeamish of "muff diving" (though I have happily accepted his condition that I will wash/douche when he's ready to do it even though I have, I've been told, excellent hygene in that area).

So my question is am I unreasonable to be kind of upset that he never keeps his promises about trying to do it more?  Is there anything I can do other than try to communicate with him about it clearly?  Should I forget about recieving oral sex for the rest of my life?

The first thing I MUST say is that you need to be concerned about his oral herpes (canker sores).  He could infect your genitals with a crossover strain, and you could then have an intravaginal outbreak and infect his genitals.  If you contract genital herpes it will complicate your future sexual behavior.

Clearly you are not getting your sexual needs met and this will most likely spill over into resentment in the relationship.  In my experience this becomes destructive (although you can stay in denial for a long time) and results in divorce.  Why get married and have children with a spouse who is clearly known to be incompatible in one of the most important areas of your life?  If you do NOT seek pre-marital therapeutic assessment of this, you are doing yourself and your prospective spouse a serious disservice!  I have had folks like you in therapy who draw the conclusion that they should never have gotten married, and said "Why didn't someone have the guts to stand up to me back then and 'make me' see the handwriting on the wall?"

If you proceed without directly addressing this problem -- and I assure you it is the tip of the iceberg of problems you WILL have in the future -- you will be miserable for awhile, probably divorce, and regret that you are then older, with less of a figure because of childbirth etc., and realize that the pool of acceptable available men is a LOT less.

One alternative is to trade oral sex for oral sex, but "tit for tat" (or in this case "lick for suck") is not romantic and you would suspect that he is just "servicing you" to get what he wants.

Please let me know your reaction.

sexdoc

Many thanks

A

A:  Dear A,

Starting anywhere between 40 and 65 a man's testosterone level drops below a threshold,  and the results are that 1) it takes longer to get an erection  2) the penis needs continuous stimulation to maintain the erection 3) it won't be as firm as usual  4) it won't last as long.

While you can make behavioral adjustments to accommodate that reality, some men go for male HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) of supplemental testosterone, but the risk factor is that the supplemental testosterone stimulates the growth of any slow growing cancers, especially prostate cancer.

I suggest behavioral experimentation to see what works for you, and respecting that you have to do some things differently.

I hope this helps

sexdoc

I stumbled across your web page and read the questions and
learned many things I never knew before!  Your page is a
great resource because you can't just search for a sex doc
using an Internet search engine.  Any keyword you type just
brings up porno sites!

I have this burning question that I have been dying to ask.
 Are there any negative long-term health effects from
having anal sex often over an extended period of time?

Here's why I want to know.  I like anal sex and of course
my boyfriend loves it.  When we have anal sex where I am on
top and we are belly to belly, I have the most intense
orgasm of my life.  HOWEVER, a few months after he and I
began having anal sex (we were having it maybe once a week
during that time, in addition to vaginal sex), I began to
notice that it became harder to "clench" my anal muscles.
I am talking about the muscles that you use to "hold it"
when you have to go number 2, or to keep a fart from
escaping at a socially embarassing time.  It seems like
those muscles are getting weaker.  Not a lot, but a little
bit.  For example, occasionally I try to keep from farting
but it happens anyway.  It has happened in front of people,
and it is SO EMBARASSING as you can imagine!!  I never had
trouble holding in farts before.  I am convinced it's the
anal sex but I never heard of this happening to anyone
else.  I was so disturbed that I pretty much stopped having
anal sex and now we do it only occasionally.  The problem
improved a lot, but didn't go away entirely.  Is there
anything I can do to strengthen those muscles?  Or is there
any other solution to this problem?

Thanks for ANY advice!!!
J

A:  Dear J,

This is unusual because most of the time, anal intercourse tones and strengthens the internal and external anal sphincters (as well as the pubococcygeus, levator ani, and other muscles).  It is common for your anal sphincters to be relaxed for about an hour after anal intercourse.  My first suggestion is that you find the link to Kegel exercises on my home page and do those.

Relaxing the anus to comfortably receive an erect penis is a learned phenomenon, and I am speculating that you are unconsciously relaxing it.  It would be consistent with "wanting the pleasure of anal sex" for you to unconsciously relax your anus.  What you need to assess is whether you are in a public place, wish not to fart, and while consciously concentrating on holding it, you fart anyway.  So it might not be a muscle tone "problem,"  but a "concentration" problem.  What do you think?  Please let me know.

Because you do not report any tissue tearing with bleeding, or any fecal incontinence (brown streaks on your underwear unbeknownst to you), I think that the chance that you have caused any damage to your body is extremely unlikely.

6/6/02 She replies:  Dr. Fitz,
Thanks for your quick response.  I will try those Kegel
exercises.  With the fart issue, I try very hard to
concentrate on not letting it out, but out it comes anyway.
 I do have brown streaks on the undies once in a while, but
nothing I would call fecal incontinence, I think it just
comes from "holding it" too long such as when I am busy at
work and don't want to interrupt what I am doing (silly, I
know).  I'm glad you don't think that there is permament
damage.  Thanks so much for your help with this highly
embarassing problem!!
P.S. As for "unconsciously relaxing" the anus, I do it
consciously sometimes, but the best thing I have found for
relaxing it to the point where the penis can be inserted,
is for me to have a few drinks first.  Strange, but true.
J

Dear J,

Toilet paper is a poor vehicle for removing all traces of fecal matter after a bowel movement, and those brown streaks could be just what is left after you wipe.  I suggest that you experiment and note the results.  Have a bowel movement just before you shower and wash your anus with soap and water and rinse adequately.  Several hours later, see if you have any brown streaks.  Then, when you have a bowel movement and do not shower right after, see if you later have brown streaks (known as "skid marks" in some slang circles).  That should tell you if the traces of fecal matter come from outside or passes from inside.

The "few drinks first" is very common.  We call people "up tight" when they are tense, and people often unconsciously grind their teeth or clench their abdominal muscles or tighten their anus (hence the expression "tight ass").  With a few drinks, your body relaxes and most of your muscles are relaxed, including abdominal and anal sphincters.

You are welcome for advice on this "highly embarrassing" problem but please note that it was YOU who overcame your embarrassment to ask a professional and I am endorsing that here strongly because I want to encourage readers to see you as a role model!

I am reminded of a comment by a gynecologist recently.  During the fifth annual check-up of a patient who was married for six years who refused any discussion of birth control, the doctor, quite frustrated, said "Then don't come to me asking for an abortion if you have an unwanted pregnancy."  The young woman stammered a bit and said "That will never happen because the ONLY intercourse my husband and I engage in is anal intercourse precisely for birth control reasons."  The doctor replied "So why didn't you tell me sooner?  You think I would disown you as a patient?"

J, keep asking questions!  If the receiver is uncomfortable, that simply speaks to their knowledge and social skills!

A

A:  Dear A,

This is incomplete.  If it is an 18 yo female receiving anal intercourse from a man not older than 22 or thereabouts, it is likely just an activity that many prefer for birth control reasons (or convoluted religious reasons -- I'm still a virgin if I have not yet had vaginal intercourse).

If the man is in power in some way -- by virtue of age, profession or other "superiority" or "hold" over the 18 yo it is likely abusive whether it were oral, anal, or vaginal sex.

Please e-mail back with more specific information

sexdoc
 

6/6/02  Q:
We are talking about an 18 year old male that has been performing anal sex on a 17 or 18 year old girl. He was bragging to his friends that he had to get her drunk before she would let him do this. The boy just happens to be my son and I am concerned, not only for the girl who seems to me to being used for my son's sexual desires, but also have been told before that males who perform anal sex many times have been abused sexually as a child.

A

A:  There is no correlation between performing anal sex as a specific technique and having been sexually abused as a child.  SOME men who were anally penetrated as a child will focus on anal activity as a form of "identification with the aggressor," but this is diagnosed on a case by case basis and it is potentially misleading to generalize.

Depending on the laws in your state he could be committing several sex crimes including (in California) statutory rape, lewd and lascivious acts with a minor, and more.

Please keep in reserve that because he is bragging, that it could be all fabricated bravado -- a lie.

And, because you hint that it may have happened more than once, don't discount that this might be a naive 18-yo female who encourages anal intercourse for "reasons" of birth control and virginity ("I'm still a virgin if I haven't had vaginal intercourse").

Confront him and demand the truth.  Then research your actions.

Please let me know what happens.

sexdoc

6/4/02 Q:  I am  a 42 year old female bisexual, who has lived the last 20 years being the dominant partner in s/m type relationships.  I have tried monogamy several times with male and female partners, but it really doesn't fit with my take on my sexuality. I even tried marrying a man once, stayed with him off and on for 8 years, but we had a very unsuccessful sex life, as he wasn't interested in my "kinks"

My experience as a dominant is fairly extensive, from "head only" domination to fairly hard core s/m experiences.  I have "trained" submissives to serve me, in the dungeon and out, and have been fairly comfortable with who I was and what I did.

The problem arose about 5 years ago.  I met a wonderful man who is a very well respected dominant himself (he had been a pro-dom for males for a couple of years) and was now working in a completely unrelated (and by some opinions, much more respectable) field, but still maintained a wonderful dungeon and kept a small household of "slaves"  We were very attracted to each other, but never acted on it (I was in one of my "girl" phases) and we were both dominant, and knew it would be a fight over the whip.  Well, it ended up that I submitted to him to find out more about a technique I wanted to know about (electro-genital-stimulation) , and yes go ahead and laugh, two adults using "education" as a reason to hop in the sack or dungeon , is kind of different.

Well it ended up we really clicked that way, and much to my suprise I became quite the submissive, both in the "head" variety and the s/m variety.  I ended up being able to take enormous amounts of pain, and translate it into whatever you want to call  it...endorphins, emotional release, whatever, and yes, orgasms.  Well, all was well for about 4 years as we continued to go further into our s/m relationship, and then in the last year, two things happened...he either wasn't interested in "playing" or I just didn't respond like I had been (sometimes feeling angry that I wasn't dominant anymore)  And it isn't like he forbade me to act on my dominant tendancies, he encouraged that as well as seeking outlets for my more lesbian side.  I, however, had little interest in doing this unless he was a participant with me and the submissive or was being a voyeur.  So I eventually stopped looking.  And the relationship ended, anger, real violence (not the safe, sane, consenting s/m type) all appeared.  And we separated.  We still talk, only just by phone.  Apparently we still love each other, but just cannot co-exist.

My problem is that I now know what happens emotionally and somewhat sexually to a dedicated submissive who is "dismissed" from service.  I haven't been able to have a successful relationship with or without s/m since I left.  I have tried a number of times, and I am just not there.  I masturbate and have all kinds of fantasies, s/m, vanilla, romantic, etc.  That does work, but nothing with man or woman seems to move me anymore.  The desire to even try is waning further.

What I would like to do is resume some type of sexual relationship, probably more on the vanilla side with the "kinks" thrown in for spice, not as the only course of action, as I now think I believe that form of 24/7 lifestyle might be harmful to the emotional side of the players, even when meant to be loving.  I just don't know how to do it, I  have contacted a few sex therapists in the metro area here, but have gotten pretty negative responses for even talking about this and my former life as if it were ok.  Any advice you would have is greatly appreciated.  Sorry this is so lengthy, but I felt without some of the details, you wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about.

Warmly

P

A:  We human beings, top of the primate chain, have our own "Midas touch" in the form of the Coolidge Effect, and it is a huge two-edged sword.  What stimulates us by its literal novelty becomes ho-hum when repeated too many times, or when the bubble of fantasy is burst by an infusion of reality.

I am delighted to include your communication because it is so well written and so accurately illustrates your circumstance.

While I hear the psychological-emotional component loud and clear, what you describe could be affected by hormones!  You could easily be peri-menopausal, and with a reduction in hormone levels, less interested in sex with others (it's easier by yourself).  I suggest both a thorough hormone assay with a long consultation with a sex positive OB-GYN and a session or three with an experienced sex therapist to eke out the psychological component.

That's about the best I can do by e-mail

sexdoc

6/6/02 She replies:  Thanks doc, had the assay, they don't want to start me on anything, it all seems in order, but they did suggest psychological counseling so I am looking, but finding someone who doesn't look at me as totally disturbed (because of s/M) is difficult, but will keep looking, and experimenting here at home....there has to be a happy medium to finding something that works and keeps the craziness of submission/domination from ruining the wonderful thing we call sex.

Keep up the good work...lots of folks, me included, need the inspired advice.

P

As for my husband's background, he told me very little
but enough for me to know that he had sown his wild
oats plenty (his words) and was ready to settle down.
I did know that he had lost his virginity to his
babysitter.  She was 15 and he was 9.

There are some things that have been bothering me.
About 6 years into the marriage, we were at a friends
house having a few drinks.  Our friends wife worked
the nightshift and needed a ride to work, so I took
her.  When I returned, I walked in to see my hub and
his friend are watching a porn.  I have nothing
against porn morally, but it does make me feel
uncomfortable due to my background.  I have never
asked him not to watch porn and tolerate it the best I
can.  The porn was O.K. but what was not O.K. was when
the friend pulled out his dick and started to
masturbate.  To my AMAZEMENT my husband did the same
and tried to get me to give him a blowjob for his
friend to watch.  He  told me on the spot that he is a
voyeur and that means he wants to watch and be
watched.  He had never mentioned this before.  So
could I do this please?  I could not.  Firstly, the
friend I found HIDEOUSLY repulsive (in both looks and
personality- he wasn't my friend) and could not
stomach the thought of his intrusion on what I view as
a very intense and personal experience.  Secondly, I
am not turned on by group experiences.  I found it to
be too impersonal and somewhat frightening.  Thirdly,
the friends wife had just been expressing just such
fears in her husband to me.  I assured her I wouldn't
encourage him.  My husband wasn't angry that I
refused, but I could see that he was very disappointed
in me.  I explained that although I wasn't up to that
experience, perhaps if he would talk to me about it
beforehand, maybe I could do it with someone more
agreeable to me.  He never has brought it up again,
and I am ridden with worries that he has or will go
into voyeuristic situations on his own.  He has always
said he lives by the maxim "look but don't touch"
where women are concerned, and that has taken on an
ominous aspect.  I feel an extreme amount of guilt and
fear over this.

The second major issue on my mind has to do with the
porn he has been downloading for the past couple of
years.  From the time we were married, the kind of
porn he was interested in was simply blonds giving
blow jobs.  As I am blond and give good head, it
didn't bother me at all.  I felt I could measure up.
Over the past 2 years, his porn has been less and less
what it was and more and more porn involving girls
from the ages of 12 to 16.  When I asked him why I was
seeing this, he grew angry and told me that his friend
downloaded it.  But it keeps appearing!  Part I, say
of a video with a guy babysitting a virgin 13 yr old
downloaded one night becomes parts II thru V each
successive night.  The excuse that his friends
downloaded it is completely ridiculous.  I have also
been seeing him lately doing the double-take when he
sees some pretty young adolescent come along. He never
used to double-take when I was with him, he considered
it rude.  I can put 2 and 2 together and figure this
has something to do with his first experience.  This
preference for such young girls is hard  for me to
take, especially since he won't open up and talk to me
about it.  I am constantly worried about my looks and
all the little signs of aging, where before I thought
myself very pretty and never bothered too much about
my looks.  My self-confidence and sexual confidence
have taken dramatic drops.

  I can in no way be aggressive toward him or he gets
turned off.  For example, one time about 2 years into
our marriage I bought some lingerie since he used to
ask me to wear it and just put it on and waited for
him to come home.  He walked in the door, blinked,
said "I have to bring (something) to (the guy next
door), I'll be right back"  then left and didn't come
back.  Flirting is out for me, although he seems to
find it charming in other girls.  When I flirt with
him he sees it as vanity.  I cannot seduce him.  I
tried many approaches in the first few years of our
marriage.  He would always get somewhat put-offish,
like I had no right to approach him.  Sex between us
has mostly been a standard formula since we met. I
have to wait for him to lie down (in the bed, not the
couch) with his arms above his head and this is the
signal that I can approach him for sex.  Seriously.
If I don't do it this way, no sex.  I have to lie
beside him, rub his cock with my thigh for quite a
while and then get on top and do my thing (whatever I
want) until I cum.  If I don't get on top, no sex.
Then after I get off he takes me doggy style,
missionary or with me lying and him sitting between my
legs.  He will allow me to kiss him but he never
kisses me.  He touches my body only long enough to
stimulate me.  He has a very good touch and doesn't
use it very much at all.  Sometimes his hands twitch
(only during sex).  Sometimes he puts his arms around
me and keeps his hands away, which is very weird.  I
give him blowjobs when I'm on my period--same
procedure.  He can cum in any position it seems, but
always prefers this formula.  He never makes any noise
and will not look at me at any time during sex. In
fact, keeps his eyes tightly squeezed shut the whole
time.  He has never looked at me, as far as I know
when showering or changing my clothes.  It is only
when he's drunk can I get him to BE THERE with me
while we have sex and maybe look at me a little or
laugh some.  All of this is hurting me very much
because I am a very passionate person but I feel like
I am only using him to get off and we are not really
making love, because he is so cold, distant and
removed.

Could you talk a little bit about why men like teenage
girls, especially so young? Am I wrong to worry so
much?  Sometimes I feel that he is heading straight
for an affair with some much younger girl, and I
wonder am I justified in thinking this?  Are there any
warning signs I should be looking out for?  Is there
any tactful way to ask him about his interests?  Or am
I just stressed and anxiety ridden for nothing?

I don't want to spend the rest of life having
"duty-sex"!

Thankyou

d

A:  Dear Reader,  I get these often and I always respond with "This is much too complicated for a reply by e-mail.  PLEASE see a sex therapist in person!"

A fascinating website!

Could you explain medically why one falls into a beautifully relaxing, deep sleep after orgasm, and also why it is so good for stress relief. I have seen references to endorfin release on your pages, but do not understand this.

Many thanks
L

A:  Dear L,

"Endorphins" are a class of hormones released by the pituitary gland in the brain in response to sex, aerobic exercise, laughter, and for some, mostly women, chocolate.

Chemically they are very similar to morphine and they do, in fact, have an anesthetic effect, causing some people to pass out for 30 seconds after orgasm; others to sleep; and others to not notice that they have rubbed their genitals raw during intercourse -- becoming aware of the burning only later.

This help?

5/23/02 Q:  Hi Dr. Fitz,

I have some friends who are depressed, and I want to encourage them to try
orgasm as an anti-depressant. I think they will resist, since this will
involve masturbating (at least on of them is single). And I am embarassed
about suggesting it, since it means giving my personal experience as
evidence, which is not very conclusive. I am the scientific type and i would
love to say "see this research? they tested daily orgasm against daily
prozac, and the orgasm did better than the prozac." It seems like someone
should have done the reasearch, but I can't find it.

I did find research that shows that men who masturbate more have higher
endorphin levels. I did find research that shows that non-depressed people
have higher endorphin levels. But that doesn't proove that orgasm is an
effective anti-depressant for many people.

i guess all the research money comes from the drug companies, and they don't
fund research into sex as an anti-depressant. I saw articles about all the
evidence proving that exercise is an effective anti-depressant, and asking
why dr's don't prescribe exercise more.

Dr. Fitz, do you know of any research that I could show my depressed
friends?

Thanks,
A Research Lover

A:  Dear Research Lover,

Endorphins are chemically similar to morphine and the are both anesthetic and stimulants to the immune system.

Endorphins are released by sex, aerobic exercise, laughter, and for some people, chocolate.

YES endorphins are anti-depressants.  No, I do not know of any research on this.

Keep on recommending endorphin release however achieved!

I prescribe all of the above to my slightly depressed patients!

sexdoc
 

5/23/02 Q:  Dear Doctor Fitzgerald ~
Hello and thank you for offering a venue for people to discuss very personal
issues.  I hope you will be able to help me.   I am a 36 year old female and
about a year ago I thought I would try using a vibrator.  Being too shy to
purchase one in a store I purchased a small vibrating toy instead.  I held it
against myself directly on my clitoris for probably 10 minutes waiting and
waiting and waiting.  It did absolutely nothing.  It must have had something
to do with the rate of speed at which it was vibrating.  Perhaps too slow or
too fast.  I did use an actual vibrator about 10 years ago and I acheived
very intense orgasms.  I have always been able to achieve very intense
orgasms even manually.  Ever since that day however I've noticed that my
orgasms are not NEARLY as intense as they use to be.  Not even half.  As I
mentioned it's been a year and although I have had a few orgasms that were
closer to the ones I used to experience they still aren't the teeth gritting
fist clenching types I used to be able to have.  I am very concerned that I
have permanently damaged nerves and don't know what to do.  I was given the
name of a sex therapist by my gyno today and I may go but I will be very
uneasy mentioning the fact that I used a toy!  But I can get past that if you
recommend I see one.   I've heard of "clit pumps" to create intense orgasms
but I am afraid that would damage my clitoris further. My sincere thanks in
advance for any help you can give me!

J

A:  Dear J,

The likelihood that you caused permanent nerve damage is quite slim with a vibrator for 10 minutes.  You would have to have mashed it against your clitoris with enough force to cause severe pain for at least the next several days!

PLEASE do not fear telling a sex therapist that you used a toy!   We hear ALL KINDS of things and that is very ho-hum!

It is more likely that something psychological is going on.

Talk to the sex therapist and be totally upfront about what you fear, your embarrassment, and exactly what you did.

I hope this helps

sexdoc

p.s.  Please go to the largest chain drug store in your area.  Find a rechargeable vibrator with pictures like a guy holding a tennis racket applying the vibrator to his elbow.  Buy and use that one.  99% of them are used for clitoral stimulation.  Enjoy the charade that you have tennis elbow.  All the other women do.

5/21/02 Q:  Hi Dr Fitz,

My lover raised the question of peeing inside me after we have finished
climaxing while his penis is still inside either my vagina or anal passage.
We have discussed how we feel about this and would both enjoy to try but
are unsure of any health issues that may arise from doing this. I am 42 he
is 30 and we are both healthy. Are there any health issues we should be
aware of when practicing this? Aside from the 'wet bed' issue is there
anything else we should be careful of?
Hope you can help.
Regards
J

A:  There are several reasons why you should not do this.  Both the vagina and the rectum have their own eco-system of flora and fauna (animals and plants) that are functional in "doing their job."  Women often get vaginal infections and yeast infections because the acid-base balance in the vagina gets out of whack.

Urine is sterile unless the host has a disease, and then some germs can be passed by urine (which is a bodily fluid).  Urine also contains uric acid, and in both the vagina and the rectum that can kill good organisms and upset the acid-base balance.

PLUS:  The uric acid can irritate the vaginal and rectal mucosa causing unpleasant side effects.

Additionally,  He might not be able to urinate in you!  Because uric acid also kills sperm, men have a sphincter (circular muscle) around their urethra that shuts off flow from the bladder whenever they have an erection.  He would have to lose the erection after climaxing before he could release urine.  That might be possible in the vagina, but it could be problematic rectally if your anus were to squeeze tightly enough around his penis.

I suggest that you experiment with a simulation using a douche syringe and/or an enema using warm tap water.

What do you think about that?

sexdoc

5/17/02  Q:  i'm 24 years old,involved with 20year old girl for last 3 years.
whenever we do sex generally she feels more than 50 orgasm maximum upto
100. all this we have counted by her vaginal contraction, and some times
it's so tight, it hurts me. some eDr. has suggested that there is number
of contraction in one orgasm, but we have counted and all these have
around 1/2 to 1 minute gap. my worry is that either it is normal or it
is excess. because excess sex may have some physical problem.i am so
much warried about it. please answer this question. and if there can be
some physical or other problem because of it, then please advise me. and
if it is normal than how many orgasm a girl can have.
 with regards
 E

A:  "Normal" does not apply here.

It is as "normal" to be 5 feet tall as it is to be 5 feet 10 inches tall.

She is on the high end of sexual response but there is no pathology here.  Obviously her pelvic muscles are in good tone and her immune system is at its optimum.  Enjoy!

sexdoc
 
 

5/13/02 Q:  Dear Sex Doc
     My wife and I have been married for two years and about 6 months after we got married she started masturbating with a vibrator she keeps under the bed. We had a very good sex life for the first six months of marriage but once the vibrator went under the bed it has changed totally. She can only orgasm with the vibrator but has no interest in including me in this part of her sex life. She claims that a orgasm to her is like a sneeze and something that feels good but it is not sexual in nature just like sneezing. I have tried everything to get her to share with me but she claims that her desire or lack of desire has nothing to do with how much she masturbates. We make love about one a month, yet she masturbates almost everyday. I claim that she is taking care of her needs and excluding me and I feel very frustrated because I didn't get married to jerk off. She says I'm making a big deal out of something and she is repulsed when I do have to relieve myself by masturbating. I'm at a loss as what to do. She says it is my problem and that her compulsive masturbating habits only make her want to make love more. But the facts are that we are lucky to make love once a month any more. Is this normal for woman. Of all the relationships I have had with woman, I have never been with a woman that thought masturbating was not a sexual act, just a sneeze. She also lies about how often she masturbates, yet she doesn't or wouldn't lie about anything else in life. I just can't figure out why it went from a normal sex life to this overnight. Unless she hide it from me during the time we were dating and first married. She tells me I'm the best lover she has ever had but she just doesn't want sex very often. I hold her every night and I'm a very considerate lover but I'm never given the chance anymore. She will not go to counseling she says it is my problem not hers. Any answers ?
 

Sincerely
 

Husband in want
 

A:  This desperately needs face to face sex therapy.  No e-mail in the world can touch it!

I think you have a serious problem that threatens your marriage.  I urge you to seek help as soon as possible.

sexdoc
 

5/1/02  Q:
Hello Sex Doc,

First of all: I've checked the other questions to make sure I'm nog asking you the same question again. But I couldn't find any question submitted by someone else that resembled mine...

I enjoy anal sex a lot and I must admit I like doing it even more than doing it the 'traditional' way. My question to you is: Is it save to have anal sex as often as I like? Yes, I'm in a relationship, we do use lots of lubrication and no, it doesn't hurt. I'm just wondering if there's any chance of getting really weak muscles and thus getting problems in the (near) future in any medical kind of way.

Thank you in advance.

Kindest regards,

M

A:  Dear M,

I am publishing your question both to illustrate your position -- that you like anal sex more than vaginal intercourse -- and to broadcast the answer.

I hypothesize that you like anal penetration more than vaginal intercourse because you get the bonus of g-spot stimulation achieved by "aiming" the tip of the penis internally so it nudges the rectal wall where the other side will rub against the vagina and push it against your g-spot.  That, plus the added neurological signals from dilation of the anal sphincters, is what most women who really enjoy anal sex report.

To the contrary of getting weak muscles, anal sex exercises your internal and external anal sphincters directly, and the secondary pelvic muscle contractions tone those pelvic muscles!  The only way you can do damage is to be penetrated -- dilated -- by something so large that it tears your anal tissues and muscles, or if it is sharp and penetrates the wall of the rectum, or if something caustic to the rectum is introduced such as a harsh chemical or liquid that is too hot.

So enjoy what you are doing, don't dilate your anal sphincters too much, and don't insert anything dangerous!

sexdoc

 Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?

  Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

 A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough  of you! Knowing that there is  only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best  friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.  If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband continually asks me to perform  oral sex on him.

 A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and  gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform  oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to    do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband has too many nights out with  the boys.

 A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it  should be encouraged. The man    is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a  great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.
 Remember,  nothing can rekindle your relationship  better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean
 the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns  to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and  your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris  is.

 A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your  husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.  You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your  husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him  and cook him a delicious meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

 A: You are a bad person for bringing it up  and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex  should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he  should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
 Perhaps you can make  it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband always has an orgasm then  rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

 A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.  Perhaps you've forgotten to cook  him a nice meal.

 I wish my wife would take a more active role in our sex lives. Learn about new techniques, ask questions. I am an intense sort of person and I like our more intense lovemaking sessions.  I am constantly trying to find new things to liven up things in our sex lives. I want to try and experience anything, everything (most everything)..my wife and I have had some pretty wild times in college and earlier in our marriage... even with another couple once (she was with another woman for an evening)... I want this to continue.  She just does not seem to be interested in different things. I think it is because she has some convoluted picture of what is right or normal... She likes more vanilla sex. I want to try other things, ball stretchers, cock cages, strap ons, 3 ways, bondage, bdsm, clitoris pumping, clit hood pierceing any toys etc...she feels spending money on toys and the like is a waste of money instead of possibly fun. When I offer new things up in bed she is usually hesitant and makes little to no effort to try and enjoy the new experience. She does not get creative at all.  I have made a swing, I want her to act as a dom...and or sub, I would like to ask her to try CBT on me... but she would never do the research to do it right or safely etc... she thinks that anything "outside of the norm" is weird or wrong.  I wish she would surf the web and find new things.  I got a PA (Prince Albert -- through the penis)   piercing a few years ago hoping she might get creative and play with it, hook it to a leash etc...she does not like it and will not deal with it on purpose.   What should I do.. I will try anything she could imagine... I think she chooses not to imagine different things.. How do I tell her all that I want without her thinking I am wierd...
 She won't masturbate...I think if she would learn how to please herself at will she would feel more sexy and more likely to try other things... how do we overcome her "beliefs"   HELP!   we are going to meet a couple for a long needed weekend vacation and they want to "play"  so do I ..how do I make her feel more at ease and get her to be willing to try anything....is this about trust?

HELLLLPPPPP.
 I know this is a lot to digest but I need intensity and change...she is happy with plain old basics... we have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 fantastic kids....I think her brain is stuck at being mom and can not get past being anything but a mom....
 signed,
 pent up creative sexually frustrated guy with a hot hot hot wife.

A:  I hate to tell you but people, men and women, have their comfort zones, and wish not to stray from them!  THAT is why I so emphasize that people find compatibility BEFORE they marry.  AND, that is not foolproof!  Many people do what they think their partner wants before marriage, then resort to their comfort zone after marriage.

Link to Answers #34

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