Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.
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Answer page #34
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A: It's called soap, found in most grocery and convenience stores. Women develop smegma inside the clitoral hood as uncircumcised men do under the foreskin. OR, you have a vaginal infection which needs to be diagnosed so you will know which treatment to use to deal with it.
DO NOT fall for the commercial vaginal douches and
fragrances that simply temporarily mask the odor.
Thanks in advance for replying.
A: It's highly individualistic. Some people are aroused by light anal play but lose the erection with anal penetration. Some men can have orgasms from prostate stimulation while their penis is totally limp. It's not impotence that you describe. It's just how you are wired.
AND, starting somewhere between 40 and 65 years of age, a penis must have continuous stimulation to stay erect. Before then it doesn't and you (we men) get spoiled and expect it to stay that way all of our lives.
I would like to sincerely thank you for this service, you are helping many men and women figure their bodies out. I am a 29 year old male and I have been married to my 28 year old wife for 7 years. She has never been as interested in sex as I am. Unfortunately I have always had the thought that it would change and that I might be able to help her be more interested in sex. It has gotten so bad that during foreplay when I attempt to massage her clit or vaginal lips she pulls away or closes her legs. She does eventually warm up but she won't let me give her oral and she does not let me penetrate her with my fingers. When we do finally get to intercourse she is very closed minded on trying different positions and she will not let me stimulate her clit during intercourse. She usually goes through our love making sessions with the thought of "just get it over with" and she will not let me try to bring her to orgasm. I really don't think she has never had an orgasm. When she does get excited she has a build up of the sensation and it seams like right before she should orgasm she has to pull away because it is too intense. I try to talk to her about it and it usually turns into a fight with her saying go find someone else. The scary part is I am to that point of finding someone else but I do not want to stray or give up on her. She tells me that she has never masturbated and I believe her. I guess my question is how can I get her to learn more about her body so she can teach me how to bring her to orgasm, and second how can I get her to become more open to new things like different and creative positions, oral, and eventually anal. Here is the lengthy list of things that I have tried to get her interested in sex.
Weekenders in a nice Jacuzzi suite
intimate couples games
I spend at least 30 minutes massaging her and gently caressing her before every session
I have tried everything I can think of to make her relax but she still
holds back...what can I do? Does this sound like a sexual trauma
situation from her childhood?
A: Clearly there was a message that sex is a very dangerous thing with dire consequences for enjoying it. It could have been excessive religiosity, family emotional abuse ("If you get pregnant or even just have sex you will be labeled a slut and banished from the family"), or ignorance/misinformation.
"If what you're doing isn't working, try something else" comes to mind. At a minimum, an older respected woman could counsel her, but someone other than you needs to get through to her. As part of the "problem," you can't (at the moment) be part of the solution.
I urge you to help her change her behavior instead of looking elsewhere for sex.
Best wishes and thank you for your kind words.
A: I am sorry that that person made such an unprofessional, ignorant, and intimidating remark!
The anal sphincters (circular muscles) are quite resilient, and some people even enjoy anal fisting -- putting the entire hand into the rectum up to the wrist.
The anus needs to be dilated gradually -- a bit bigger every 3 days. See my links (2) to anal sex on my home page.
I urge you to dilate your anus as you dilate hers so you have some idea of what it feels like.
Many of my patients have used a wine bottle with a progressively increasing diameter neck -- the deeper the insertion, the greater the diameter of dilation.
Use plenty of lubrication and lots of patience and deep breathing.
And keep in mind that many women absolutely adore anal sex and wonder why they waited so long to try it.
Freaking Out and not sure what to think
Please take a deep breath and RELAX!
What you need to focus on is to make sure that NO fluid that comes out of a penis gets into your vagina. So-called "pre-cum" -- the clear fluid that comes out when a man is sexually excited -- contains on average 80,000 sperm, and the average ejaculate contains around 200 million to 400 million sperm. While all you need is one, there are that many because survival of the fittest ensures that only the strongest will get to the egg.
A woman CAN get pregnant without intercourse. I consulted on a case of a pregnant 15 year old woman who gave her boyfriend a hand job, then stimulated her labia by rubbing her semen-coated fingers on them, effectively pushing semen into her vagina.
You need to know that stress -- worry that you might
be pregnant -- can cause you to delay or even skip a menstrual period,
thus causing more anxiety. A drugstore EPT (early pregnancy test)
can be accurate no sooner than five weeks after your most recent period
started, but that's plenty of time to worry!
A: This is common and the speculation is that after delivery, a woman's interest in sex is suppressed so she will spend time taking care of the baby.
The "home self-help" is for you to kick start your hormones by having an orgasm every 2-3 days like clockwork for a month to see if you then get horny. Every woman says "but I have no interest in doing that" to which I reply "If you wish to get your sex drive back, just do it (got a vibrator?)" Some women invite their husband to watch and masturbate while they bring themselves to orgasm.
Let me know what happens.
Thanks for your help....AGAIN.
A: The operative question is not how to convince her that seeing her with another guy would turn you on. The more imporant question is what effect the event of bringing another man into your marital bed would have on your marriage! There are no "clean" statistics on this, but when my colleagues and I compare notes, we agree that more than 95% of folks who bring a third person into a committed relationship regret it.
One more time: What if she gets much more turned on than usual, you get jealous (because he can last longer, cause her to scream and moan more, whatever), she wants to do it again and you don't. Or/and she really likes it and wants to do it again but this time with a woman -- and when THAT happens, they really get it on and ignore you and you feel left out. And, what if it REALLY turns you on and you want to do it again, but she feels "used" and doesn't want to do it again.
D, there are just too many ways it can go "wrong." There are excellent reasons why people regret doing a three-way! My "standard" advice: NEVER do a three-way unless you are truly fully prepared to lose both of the participants permanently. Enjoy the fantasy. Don't gamble on the reality. And let me know what you decide and what happens.
A: Dear A,
There is no clean research on this. I strongly urge you to evaluate his voluntary behavior -- his enthusiasm, comments, and "gusto" with which he drives you wild with his tongue and lips. Some guys do get erections giving oral sex and some do not.
A: Dear Tammy,
I am impressed. Not only did you do your homework, you didn't address me as Fritz!
Intravaginally is a correct term (good for you). Without interviewing him, I cannot differentially diagnose your bf but the most common causes of inability to ejaculate intravaginally are 1) fear of pregnancy (the brain being the biggest sex organ) and 2) insufficient neurological stimulation. The first comes from excessive childhood religiosity and/or parental threats of retribution if a young man "knocks up" a woman before marriage. The second can simply be a need for more aggressive stimulation or the result of a guy who impatiently touches himself roughly and becomes conditioned to need heavy touch (which the vagina cannot provide).
On top of all this is the myth that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse. Some women and some men cannot achieve orgasm from penile-vaginal thrusting alone and need extra stimulation. Period. So what if he thrusts until you have had all the orgasms you want, then withdraws and you "finish him off" by hand or mouth? If you're trying to make a baby, you can stimulate him by hand until he is about to ejaculate, then he can insert and deposit semen intravaginally.
Please embrace individual differences. Some women have big breasts; some men have a large penis. Some people, male or female, reach orgasm quickly; others need more stimulation and/or of a different kind.
Plus, if you modify your expectation model of what "should" happen this should eliminate your frustration.
Make the most of what you and your boyfriend have.
I hope this helps. Please let me know your reaction.
A: There is no precise answer. If there were a big glob of semen in a nice protected space, like your arm pit or the crack of your ass, sperm could live for maybe a day. If spread on your leg where the semen dries out, maybe an hour. If a glob, the sperm on the outside die and the sperm on the inside of the drop swim around and live.
Inside your mouth, not long, because enzymes in saliva kill the sperm.
What you NEED to know is not survival time, but NEVER let ANY fluid that comes out of a penis get into your vagina unless you want to get pregnant.
A: Dear Amy,
This needs an evaluation of all physical activities your wrist is engaged in.
Because for most women the wrist is quite passive holding a wand (as opposed to very active if vigorously fingering her clitoris), I am suspicious that it is that activity that would cause pain and numbness. Repetitive motion -- keyboard typing, for example, would be much more likely a culprit.
sexdoc in Santa Clara
A: Dear Susan,
The critical question is whether any fluid that came
out of his penis got inside your vagina. Yes, so-called "pre-cum"
contains on average about 80,000 sperm, and all you "need" is one to get
A: What you describe is extremely common.
Yes, your administrators probably got a sexual thrill from giving you enemas.
I have no idea if your mum knew.
Your girlfriend is being rigid and, frankly, ignorant, regarding your practice/preferences. When people are eroticized before the age of 19, they often retain the association of what eroticized them throughout their life. A fetish is a sexual thrill associated with something inherently not neurologically eroticizing, further illustrating the assertion of sex therapists that your brain is your biggest sex organ.
It might be necessary to avoid using enemas in her presence.
I am 22yrs old (female) and in love with a man who is
25 yrs old. We have been in love for the last 2 years
and very serious about this relationship. We are
getting married by next year.
There is something that has been troubling me, i would
appreciate if you could advise me. A week back i spent
one night with my boyfriend outstation. We did not
have sex but carressed eachother. Infact he used his
fingers in my vagina. We both were naked, he didnt
used a condom, but ejaculated on my body (tummy). I
did feel his penis on my vagina but he didnt insert
(100% sure on this) inside. I am worried, will this
lead me to preganancy. As far i know a woman gets
pregnant only when the penis is inserted inside the
vagina and builds an orgasm.
Appreciate your advise.
Thank you very much,
A: It's not a matter of the penis being inside. Its a matter of liquid from the penis getting in.
Years ago I consulted on a pregnancy where the woman gave her bf a hand job, then shoved her semen-coated fingers into her vagina.
Just be SURE that NO liquid that comes out of the penis gets into your vagina. So-called pre-cum contains an average of 80,000 sperm.
I am going to have sex for the first time with another female.She
be posing as my enema nurse and will be coming to my house.
Is there anything harmful about being given
an enema and receiving finger in the clitoral area at the same time?I
would like her to pinch my nipples and fuck me with the enema nozzle at
the same time.Also,I would like her to insert
a dildo up my vagina.Is all of this safe?
A: Yes, it's all safe so long as nothing that goes in your rectum then goes into your vagina without being sterilized.
A: At 13 and without sexual experience with a male, you can't know if you are a lesbian. Same sex behavior during adolescence is extremely common and a pregnancy-safe way to experiment. Men and women are often tired after orgasm because the chemicals that get released internally are like morphine in chemical structure. Not only is it OK to masturbate while on youre period, many women do it to relieve menstrual cramps!
You don't say more than you suck on her tits but if you don't bring her to orgasm like she brings you to orgasm, she might be less inclined to do all the "work" without reward. Make sure that you give back as much as (more than) you get.
Hello, man how i hate the inter-net!
Being divorced/separated has little to do with it as I
have always been this way, but since my divorce five
years ago I have gotten more complaints about it.
I'm like two sides of a coin when it comes to having
sex; Besides the fact that I feel that having sex
every night makes it a chore and cheapens it from the
deep inter-personnel connection it can be; I go for
weeks(Even while in relationships), able to respond
to, but without the compulsion to have(initiate) any
kind of sexual contact; On the other side of the
coin, when I do get the desire to have sex(Initiate
it) it's more of a compultion or an addition than a
sex drive. I literally go for hours, sex-act to
sex-act, to fondling, to sex (add infinitum)...
"hours" of sex. It's not that I don't feel sated, nor
lack closeness or connection with my partner. Not that
I can't reach orgasm, I usually have three to
six,(Have had as many as twenty-six). It's not that I
don't communicate my needs, nor try to meet her needs.
I don't feel I have anything to prove; nothing to get
back for. I don't try to "Give her something to tell
her friends", I'm not trying to hurt her.
I simply cannot get enough of it all. My Ex told me
that it felt as if she were with one partner day to
day, then out of the blue, she ended the night feeling
as though she had been with guys, not just her guy.
She told an associate that at times she felt more used
after we did 'make a connection in the sack' then when
'she felt she was asking me for some thing to tide her
over.' That was before the divorce, and on two ends
of our nine years together. I didn't have other
partners while married, and in the five years since
the D. I've only had two relationships and one one
night stand(with two women). Of these four women, two
have complained that although the sex is great, and
our connection is more than what-meets-the-loin, after
a while even a good thing is too much. I don't seem to
reach that conclusion... I don't want to drag this
further specter into my next relationship... does it
sound like an imbalance, a problem rooted in my child
hood or a past life? I'm reaching but I'm clue less
here. Help me out.
A: That you are highly sexually charged is evident. If you were with a partner who was compatible in frequency and variety, would you still entertain that this might be pathological?
To arrive at a diagnosis or conclude it's just incompatibility,
you really need to talk with a sex therapist in person.
NOTE: This turns into a marathon and ANYONE who
questions "geriatric sex" needs to read this WONDERFUL tale (tail).
2/18/02 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz,
I am a 56 yr. old woman, and have been dating a 72 yr. old man for about 8 months now. We are quite compatable, and age has made very little difference to us.
We have just recently gotten into some serious petting, during which time, each of us reaches orgasm.
He is a very proper gentleman, and we just don't remove clothing. When we kiss and snuggle on my sofa, he almost always becomes quite erect. He allows for me to rub the outside of his trousers until he's fulfilled, and I enjoy that, but would rather be touching the "real thing." From what I can see and feel, he is fairly well endowed, and when he ejaculates he kind of trembles all over.He doesn't mind ejaculating inside his pants like that, even though I have offered to handle things in an oral manner.
As for me; he loves to caress my breasts through my blouse, and requests that I don't wear a bra. Every now and then he dares to reach up underneath my sweater and play with my nipples. I wish he would go further, but I think he doesn't want to do anything that I might consider out of line. He doesn't mind if I manually achieve an orgasm while he plays with my breasts, but he isn't ready for more than that yet.
I have tried (gently) to encourage him to open his trouser clasp and let me handle his penis that way, but he doesn't seem ready. It might be an age-related thing, but I figure if he is going to ejaculate like that, he could save himself the bother of having such a mess.
He definitely enjoys our petting, and gets excited for someone his age. He has reached a climax 3 times in one week, which I think is great.
My question is this.....Do you think I'm pressuring him to move along too quickly?
And if not,how can I gently guide him to the next stages of intimacy? I become quite excited at times, and he seems very turned on by that.
Please advise me, as masturbating is becoming a daily routine for me.
Yours Warmly, D
A: Dear D,
Thank you for your charming question. I wish to capitalize on what you do because it means that you are not controlled by the silly myth that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse!
I emcourage you to "reverse engineer" his behavior and to formulate and entertain various hypotheses that could account for it (that's what they teach us in psychologist school). He could have genital herpes (or a different sexually transmitted infection) and fear that he might infect you. Possible his erection curves and some former lover laughed or otherwise made him feel self-conscious about it. And many men harbor degrees of whore-madonna syndrome and associate ejaculate touching you as making you somehow dirty.
Your best strategy is reward invitation, and action . Next time, when he is touching your nipple(s) say something like "It feels so wonderful when you touch my body there -- I just know it will feel even better if you also touch my body here (as you take one of his hands and touch his fingers on your crotch)." Once you have him touching your breast and your genitals through your clothes, say something like "You know how much more excited I get when you put your hand under my sweater instead of caressing my breasts through the sweater? Well I just know that it would be more exciting if you put your hand inside my panties." If, by now, he hasn't "let" you unzip his pants and touch his erection directly, try something like "Oh honey, I know how much more exciting it is when you touch me skin to skin, and I would LOVE to take your erection in my hand or in my mouth."
If that doesn't work, I suggest finding a non-sexual moment and just plain asking him.
Let me know what happens.
2/18/02 She writes back: Dear Doctor,
I will be seeing C tonight, and I thank you for your swift reply.
I do not believe he is infected with anything, as we have talked about that at length, and he says he always used condoms and is fine. Also as for a curved penis; I have massaged him through his trousers quite a bit, and must say that he feels long, hard, and even thick. He likes when I manipulate him like that.
I think the Madonna/whore idea is probably close to the truth. He told me once that he likes to hear me talk dirty, but is glad I'm not "really" that way.
Tonight I think I'll wear my shorter skirt with no panties. This will allow for easy access to my female zone, and will probably excite him a lot. I also have a very sheer silky blouse and he loves when I wear that with no bra. I will try your idea of telling him how nice it would be to be touched skin to skin,and see what happens.
Thank you for the prompt response. I will let you know what transpires.
2/19/02 She writes again: Dearest Dr. Fitz,
Since you were so prompt yesterday in helping me out with my 72 yr. old gentleman, I thought I should get back to you again and let you know how our evening went last night.
C seemed a bit different to me when he arrived, and maybe that's only in my head because I knew I was going to push things a bit further.
We snuggled as usual for about an hour, while drinking cocoa and eating sugarless brownies! We usually sit/ lie on the sofa and caress each other quite a bit.
As I said I would do; I wore a very sheer blouse with no bra. C loves to see my breasts, and without my suggesting it, he asked to suck my nipples for the first time last night! He was very gentle, and wonderful, and enjoyed the thickness of my nipples as I responded to his tongue. I was surprised that he was inclined to go that far, but very happy. I became quite aroused.At one point, after seeing that he had an erection, I told him that I was becoming aroused in other places too. I asked him if I could reach into his slacks and fondle his penis.(The only light in the room was from the television.) I almost fell over when he said, "Well I think it's about time." I told him that I loved him and felt very deeply for him, and he really seemed to exhale a deep breath at hearing this.
Doctor, his penis feels fine to me. It takes a bit of manual stimulation for it to become erect, but once it gets there, it's quite good. I stroked it for him and spoke loving words to him, also telling him that I would love it if he could do the same thing to me,ie;skin to skin. I told him I would be very happy if he'd let me perform oral sex on him. (He is so cute.......He said, " You mean suck it"? ) I said, "yes." He has never had this done before, and I told him I love being his "lady", but would also love to be his "sexy girl". He liked that, and said that he would love to have me suck it, but wasn't sure what would happen. I told him it was fine if nothing happened, and if he just got some physical pleasure from it without the ejaculation it would be okay with me. He said, "well please, my dear, go ahead". He was very excited, and became even more erect as I sucked his penis.He began groping around my waist to get my skirt off. Since I had no panties on, I reached down and slid his hand up underneath it.
Doctor, I have never felt that an orgasm is a must during sex. I enjoy the intimacy
and passion that is exchanged, and that would always be enough for me.
C asked me to stop sucking for a minute, and show him how to "rub me." I
gave him my best instructions, and guided his hand to the proper spot. He made me explode almost immediately. I went back then to sucking his penis, which had shriveled back up. It was fun making it big again. He truly enjoyed the oral sex, and was astounded at himself for having given me an orgasm. I believe that up until now, he has been suffering from a lack of confidence. And once he was aware of the fact that it doesn't matter to me whether or not he reaches a climax, he relaxed quite a bit.
I must have sucked his penis last night off and on, while massaging it otherwise, for about 2 hours. He reached an orgasm later on while I stroked it, and allowed for me to swallow his sperm. I believe he was in heaven afterwards, and we had a glass of wine.
I will wait awhile before going to the next plateau;(intercourse),as this was quite an accomplishment for him/us! Thank you for your advice Doctor. I think we have benefited greatly.
2/20/02 She writes again:
Dearest Dr. Fitz,
I am the 56 yr. old woman who wrote you a few days ago about the sexual problems with my elderly genleman friend. You gave me some fine advice, and now I cannot get my once reluctant boyfriend to ease back a little.
C is 72, and if you recall, I was having some difficulty getting him to allow for "skin- skin contact ".
You gave me good advice, and it worked immediately. C and I have been sharing in some reciprical oral sex since then, and I can't slow him down!
He was at my home again last night, and we said a proper "hello", but when I came back from the kitchen with our coffee, he had his penis out and was stroking it. I was quite surprised.
I wasn't sure what to do, so I acted like everything was fine, and sat down to assist him in masturbating. As he became more excited, he asked me to kneel in front of him, and take it in my mouth. He said, "Don't make me come; just suck on it like a lollipop for awhile." He also couldn't wait to reach inside my sweater and play with my breasts. He was very forward, ( for him.)
I enjoyed the fine nipple-play, and my vagina got very wet. I continued sucking his hard penis, and reached under my skirt to finger myself. When he realized I was that hot, he made me lie down, and removed my skirt and performed cunnilingus on me. Doctor, I have never been licked with such fervor! He lapped away at my vaginal folds, and very slowly found my clitoris. He poked at it with his tongue for awhile, and then sucked it.I took awhile to reach a climax, but it certainly felt nice on the way. All the time he was doing this to me, his penis was in his other hand, and he eventually ejaculated all over my sofa. (This was not a problem since I have Scotch guarded it.)
What is a problem , I think, is that even once we were both satisfied, he still wanted to play with his penis, and have me tongue it or stroke it. Also, he had me hold and fondle his testicle sac for about an hour. I suggested we watch a movie, and he was all for that, but continued stimulating himself throughout the film.( Of course, he didn't have another orgasm, but he masturbated shamelessly for about 1 1/2 hours.)
Do you think I've created a monster? He told me that now that he knows just how good it feels, he can't get enough. He said that when he's at home, he plays with it all the time. Will he get over this excitement, and settle for a "normal" sex life with me? I don't want him to become a deviant old pervert, but I'm afraid that if I say something he will be getting a mixed message. Three days ago, he wouldn't open his zipper, and now he won't close it.(Don't get me wrong; I am quite turned on by his manhood, but I don't want it to be inappropriate and have him jerking himself all the time.)
Any response to this would be appreciated, as I'm not sure what to do at this point.
Thank you for your time and professional opinion.
A: Dear D,
"Don't want it to be innappropriate have having him jerking himself all the time" is the operative sentence that needs to be addressed.
Please embrace the idea that in the privacy of your home, you two adults can do anything that is not illegal, immoral, or fattening (just kidding). Where does "appropiate" come in? Humans get a nice endorphin flow from sexual behavior, and the endorphins stimulate the immune system, so sex is indeed very healthy for you.
You two need to negotiate what is mutually acceptable between you two, without an internalized "big brother" looking over your shoulder telling you what is "appropriate." YOU TWO decide what is "appropriate" for the two of you. If that means his hand on his penis all the time except when it is in your mouth or vagina (or other body parts), and that's OK with both of you, hey, enjoy!
Does this help?
My Dear Dr. Fitz,
My sweet gal has shown me that I canwrite to you here with total privacy.(She has been in touch with you this last week in regard to our May December romance.)D is 56.
My name is C, and I am almost 73 years old. D and I have been sweethearts for about 7 or 8 months now, and just recently lovers.-well at least orally.
The problem is this. I am so excited by my reawakened sexual drive-it has been almost 9 years since my wife passed, and now I cannot help the urge to touch my private area. I feel likea teenager again and am always hsndling my penis.
Katty seems upset with me and suggested I write to you. What is wrong? She was eager for us tobe more romantic and now thatI am, she is turned off by me She flaunts her lovely teats at me and I get excited.Whowoudnt/
Also I have started to do connilingus on herand she is fondof that. She has done oral sex for me too.
We are in love, andI want to please her.Pleas help me.
Itype bad. Sorry. Sincerely Yours, C
2/21/02 She writes again: Dear Dr. Fitz,
C made use of my computer last night and told you how he's feeling about sex/us.
He still spent last evening fondling his penis while we watched TV together. He got some hand lotion from my medicine cabinet to lubricate himself, and masturbated right there in front of me. I definitely wanted to have intercourse with him, but started to wonder if that might create an even bigger problem.- Then reconsidered.
I initiated some petting/ foreplay with him, and performed some fellatio on him to help give him a larger erection. When I thought it was large and hard enough I suggested intercourse. He was so excited, but wanted to give me oral sex first. We didn't even make our way to the bedroom. He licked my clitoris, and brought me to orgasm twice, all the while stroking his penis.
Finally we got down to the business of fornicating. I decided it would be good if I were on top. (Less strenuous for him.) Also, this allowed for me to fondle his testicles during the entire act.
It felt wonderful Doctor, but no matter what we tried, he was not able to ejaculate. I
made a point of going slowly, and keeping the anxiety that he might be feeling a non-issue. After trying for quite some time, I decided it might be best if I just performed oral sex on him, and he was very quick to ejaculate when I did this.
He knew that it didn't matter to me if he never reached an orgasm, but it did matter to him.
I haven't heard back from you doctor, and still don't know what to do about his frequent masturbation.
I think that things might even out now.....I certainly hope so.
Once again, I thank you for your time sir. I don't know who else I could discuss this with so openly.
Yours Warmly, D
A: Dear D,
Because the brain is a human's biggest sex organ, men and women vary in their sexual response for many reasons. For some men, the hand and mouth provide more stimulation than the vagina, and for others, the vagina provides enough stimulation but they do not ejaculate because of an internalized fear of pregnancy or the thought that ejaculating inside the vagina might somehow "sully" -- make dirty -- the woman.
Clearly, you and C are not trying to make a baby, so I encourage you to embrace your sexual pleasure in any activity without a focus on what is happening when either of you experiences orgasm. Please focus on pleasure, not orgasm, and enjoy! Does this help?
2/22/02 She writes again: Doctor Fitz,
Are you saying that it's fine for C to continue handling his penis in front of me as long as I don't mind? I guess it's just that it makes me want to touch myself too, and probably bring myself to a good orgasm. Would this also be acceptable behavior? I know that Charles likes it when I rub my clitoris and achieve a climax, so it would surely be no problem for him.This masturbating together is rather new to me, but I could get used to it. It's just that I do some very private things, ( like using a butt plug), when I masturbate alone... I might get embarrassed.
How often should I be performing fellatio on him? I don't want it to be his only means of ejaculating. I do enjoy the act, but hope that intercourse will allow him to ejaculate as well. Is this a valid concern?
For an older gentleman, he is most adept at cunnilingus too, and I might ask him to initiate that more often. It certainly feels good and he seems to enjoy it as well.
Thank you again for your help. It's nice to have guidance with something like this.
A: YOU are the sole judge and jury about what is "acceptable behavior." PLEASE touch yourself when you want to in private! Men as well as women like to use a butt plug when masturbating -- maybe C will sigh in relief and acknowledge that he likes a butt plug while masturbating also! How often? As often as you both want! Yes, wanting him to ejaculate during intercourse is a "valid concern," but he might not do that!
PLEASE relax and do what you want if your partner is willing!
2/22/02 She writes again: Hello Dr Fitz,
I truly hope that I'm not an annoyance to you, but your guidance has been wonderful for me, and also for C.
I spoke with XX at keen.com a short time ago, and she assured me, just as you did, that C's' frequent masturbation should be no problem. I guess I'm just gonna join in with him and massage my clitoris while he strokes his penis in front of me. Lady Jody mentioned the "big brother" looking over my shoulder thought just as you did, and told me that if it feels good, I shouldn't worry about it.
C spent the night with me last night, (slept over), and once in awhile during the night I woke up to feel the bed jiggling up and down as he was stroking away at his penis. He also woke me up by sneaking in under the covers to lick my vagina. He told me that he was lying there fantacising about oral sex with me, and thought he could start in on me without waking me up. Well, I woke up, but that was okay. I'm a bit tired today, but I'll live.( This is rather graphic and personal doctor, but I would like to share it with you; )-C takes his teeth out for cunnilingus, and he sort of gums at my clitoris, which is a completely new feeling for me.-It takes me awhile to have an orgasm sometimes, and a few times I haven't had one. I definitely like the feeling he creates in me, but sometimes it's hard to reach a climax. Should he also use his fingers?
Doctor, is it possible that my clitoris gets stiff and hard like a little penis? That's what C said it's like. When I have masturbated, I have kind of lifted the hood back and just rubbed, but never felt anything like a little penis. And it's so well lubricated down there that it's difficult to feel it sometimes. Perhaps a mirror would be good?
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you. I really just wanted to thank you for the keen.com idea.
A: The clitoris DOES have tissue analagous to the corpora cavernosae of the penis and in most women it DOES become somewhat erect. What he "should" use is up to whatever feels good to YOU! Even though you do not have an orgasm "problem," YOU would be well advised to read "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
2/24/02 She writes again: Dear Dr. Fitz,
C and I took a nice walk this morning in our local park. It was a healthy break in all the sexual activity.
When we returned home, C showed me a bathrobe/ wrap-around that he has brought to my home so he will be more comfortable, and have easier "access to his penis", which he continues to fondle very often..( His words.) I think this is good, and rewarded him with a heavy fondling session.I feel like a child, and can't stop touching him!
I believe the book you are recommending for me, "For Yourself", has to do with masturbating and feeling free about it. I have read a couple of excellent books directed at the very same subject, and believe I've gotten a lot out of them. Thanks for the recommendation though, I will look for it first chance I get.
My nipples have gotten a bit dry from C sucking them so much, and I'm finding that Chapstick is a quite helpful. I cannot keep him from "suckling the teats", as he calls it, because it is a great joy for him.-Also stimulating for me!
Thank you again for the book suggestion. You are my guidance counselor.
Yours , D
2/25/02 She writes again: Dearest Dr. Fitz,
C has now spent a couple of nights here at my home. Due to the fact that he was starting to awaken me at almost any hour in order to lick at my clitoris, or suckle a teat, we had a discussion on being considerate of each others' sleep needs. As a result, I slept through the night last night, and this morning we shared some wonderful love-play in bed.
Is it unusual Doctor Fitz, for someone who is nearly 73 to have such a vibrant and consistant erection so often? C is now climaxing and ejaculating about once a day.- ( This is more often than it was a week ago.) And afterwards, he takes no time at all to become erect again. He almost has more energy than me! Is it possible that his time between ejaculations will get even shorter? We spend a lot of time performing mutual stimulation on each other in one of two ways. It tends to be orally most often. He loves suckling upon my teats so much that some nights I kind of nurse him like a baby in bed, and he falls to sleep with my nipple in his mouth. It arouses me to such a degree that I feel compelled to stimulate my clitoris until I climax. C sometimes sleeps right through this, but if he wakes up, he often wants to suck my clit and make me cum that way. All these orgasms feel fantastic, and wasn't God kind, to make this a healthy thing for us? I also sleep like a baby.
My nipples are quite sensitive from all the suckling, and they are erect most of the time. (It can be a bit embarrassing when out in public, as they poke right out in my sweater.) C loves it, and I think it's very sexy when I'm at home, but otherwise it bothers me. I guess I'm a little prudish that way. Speaking of teats; C grew up on a farm, and uses words like "suckling" and "teats." I keep wanting to correct him, but I think I won't.
I masturbated at work this morning, and it went well. Right there at my desk, I rubbed my clitoris! I wear no panties most of the time, and could feel that I was wet down there.I had to take 1 phone call while I was going at it, but managed my way through it alright. I did leave work for an extended lunch, in order to come home and get washed up.
C will be here again tonight, and I'm hoping to try intercourse again. Maybe this time he should be on top. I will perform fellatio on him first to get his penis somewhat stimulated. I am very good with my muscles inside the vagina, and will see if I can help him ejaculate like that. For some silly reason, I would love his seed inside of me. Oh, it would be so nice.
Once again, thank you Dr. Fitz. (Okay, not my Guardian Angel, but a darned good advisor!) Yours, D
and a second e-mail: Dr. Fitz,
I ended up calling in sick from my lunch hour because I started reading Betty Dodsen's website and got so excited that I had to masturbate again.
My first question is; Was it wrong to say I'm sick? -(I can afford to take the afternoon off .)
Another thing...about fantasies: When C is tending to my needs, he likes to refer to himself as "big daddy", and also asks me to call him that. He loves for me to "talk dirty" to him, and describe what I want him to do...always referring to myself as his "little girl" He says things like;"Daddy wants to give that clit a nice licking, so spread your legs, little girl." He is fantacising, right? Or could it be that he is pretending he is licking his own daughter? I know sometimes it feels to me, mentally that my daddy is eating me! I get very excited thinking this! Is there anything wrong with that? Just the thought of my father performing cunnilingus on me is exhilirating. I know in reality that it isn't my daddy, but it sure does seem like it. Are we perverted?
The way I look at it is; we're both having a good time, and no one is getting hurt, so we should continue like this, right? Is there anything sick about me saying , "lick my wet little clit, daddy!"?
I saw a Psychiatrist once very briefly, and he asked me all about my fantasies, and made me describe how I masturbate.(I even demonstrated for him.)He said he thinks I'm a great fantaciser, which surprised me at the time, but looking back on it now; maybe he was right. I enjoy talking dirty to C, and it stimulates him quite a bit, but I don't want to be a pervert.
Are there some boundaries, or things that ARE wrong?
And a third 2/25/02 e-mail: Dear Dr. Fitz,
I truly enjoyed reaching an orgasm for that Psychiatrist, and I think he helped me with some things. Was that inappropriate for me to do in his office? He said that it demonstrated how relaxed I was with him that I could climax like that. That made sense to me. He only had me do it once, and I liked it.
C left me a note from this morning, and he speaks of the idea of a threesome. Although I have enjoyed the pleasures of sucking a clitoris before, I don't think I want to do this with C present. I enjoy sucking nipples as well, and wouldn't want him to label me a lesbian for that. I think he wants me to invite my very large breasted girlfriend G to spend an evening with us. I have confided some of C,s' and my intimacies with her, and I know she would love to see his erect penis. Also she'd enjoy having her labia and clitoris licked and gummed by him. I just hope he hasn't spoken with her before talking to me. Gail performs excellent cunnilingus,so I'm told, and I would enjoy that, but not in front of C. Also, he has probably been eyeing up her thick and pointy nipples. (I know I do.)
Anal sex: I have used a butt plug while masturbating in front of C and he has fingered my anus while performing cunnilingus, but he isn't ready for anything up there yet. Perhaps he would let me just tongue his rectum, and once he feels the sensation, would let me go further. I do think he'd like it. Thanks for the idea.
As ever, D
A: Dear D,
Please read the material at my link to 3-way sex on my web page.
90% of the time they go "wrong," and the participants regret it. But if you're feeling lucky, there's that 10%!
Please embrace, however, what I have been saying consistently: Do what feels good and is exciting and is not disrespectful to either of you.
If you truly believe that you wouldn't be bothered if C was more turned on by G,s big boobs than by yours, etc., and if you didn't mind him seeing you suck her nipples, etc., then HEY! GO FOR IT! It's an experiment and describe the best that could happen and the worst that could happen and if it's worth the risk, try it!
Also: PLEASE label yourself as bisexual and uninhibited, not a lesbian!
2/26/02 She writes again: Dear Dr. Fitz,
We had an interesting evening last night, and with the help of some KY, and thanks to C,s' long- lasting erection, we tried some anal sex. After he did it with me, he let me lick his rectum, and use a nice dildo that I have. He said it was a much more pleasurable experience than he'd anticipated.
Later in the evening, we talked for awhile, and C confided in me that since we've been having such close sexual relations, he's been missing the way he used to ejaculate in his trousers, and how wet and sticky it felt. as he spoke about this, I knew I'd have to ask you this question: Would it be taking a step backwards to massage his genitals through the trousers for him, and let him ejaculate like that once in awhile? You should have heard him talking about how he misses it...you might have thought he was speaking of an old girlfriend he misses! (Poor old bugger!)
I told him about asking you if you think he is more sexually active than average, and how you said, "yes." He claims you are just undersexed, and jealous!! He said if he were you, and women were writing to him with these types of questions, he'd be "yanking his sausage" all over the place! He was being sarcastic, because he knows you are a professional, and not some sleeze-bag!
What do you think Doctor? Shall I help him to go off in his pants tonight? I'd love to do it; but not if it's going to take us backwards. Also, shall we continue with the anal sex? I missed not performing fellatio on Charles last night, so I may go back to that a bit. He does enjoy "squirting" down my throat, and so do I.
Dr. Fitz; For your information.....There are some pictures on Betty Dodson's website, (sorry, I know it's the competition), but I even saw a penis above the age of 80!! Before I actually got to see C's' penis I was looking for that kind of thing because I was curious as to what he looked like. The photograph on Betty Dodson's website is pretty good. There are many different penises and vaginas, very clinically portrayed.(I tell you this in case any other people want to know where they can see an elderly penis.)
One last question: Is there any harm in masturbating for hours without an orgasm? I sometimes play with/ rub myself but do not climax. Can this cause any difficulties for me? Other than leaving a puddle in my panties, it is not bothersome to me.
Thanks yet again for your words of wisdom. Is there a time I could catch you on Keen? I will have to think about the expense, but I might do it. Let me know when I can find you there please. At least you know my background and that's good.
And later: Dear Dr. Fitz,
I spent most of the early part of today fingering my erect nipples until I was nice and wet down in my vagina. Then I used my vibrator, and masturbated for about 2 hours off and on, achieving a great orgasm, and feeling quite relaxed. I showered, and did a few household chores, and in the last hour have been feeling the need to stimulate myself again. ( I'm entertaining the idea of sitting on the sofa and sliding on the cushion after my vagina juices get it nice and wet. When I reached in my pants a minute ago, I could feel that my clitoris is erect, and I'd like to enjoy another climax.
My question is: Should I wait? C will be here tonight, and I've already had a nice orgasm...will another one tire me out to much? I have become very erotic lately, and can't get enough of myself!
One other thought.I am going to massage C's' penis through his slacks tonight, and let him ejaculate inside his trousers like that. By God, if that slimy, cold wetness is what he likes, I will see that he gets it. (I enjoy making my big daddy feel good...I guess you can tell.) I shall also give him fellatio.
A: Dear D,
Let me reiterate: Uninhibited sex allows doing to each other and to yourself what the recipient and the initiator wants. If he WANTS rubbing through his pants, and you're willing, go for it!
What you describe is a corollary to the "use it or lose it" concept. The more you do it the more you stimulate your body to want to do more (up to a point, of course).
Do what feels good and enjoy! YOU will learn
when you have done "too much" and when you could have done more.
2/28/02 Dear Dr. Fitz, ( is it okay to call you the abbreviated
In truth, C and I refer to you as "Fitzy" ! ----Sorry, we use the term endearingly.)
I had a good conversation with my friend G last evening, and approached her about the 3-some idea. As I told you before, she has been very tittilated at the idea of C, ( such an older guy), with a hard on, and was thrilled that we wanted her to come play with us.Her answer was, "Certainly!" I told her I knew it was because he has been entranced with her gorgeous titties. Well, she just loved hearing that and she knows that I've always liked her tits.So she agreed to spend a couple of hours here last evening, just as a warm -up. She will be back tomorrow night to stay overnight.
Last night, we didn't do too much together physically, but instead, talked a lot and did some erotic petting, to set a comfortabilty level. This will make things go much smoother tomorrow night.
We DID do some french kissing last night; even G and C. Also, she rubbed his penis through his trousers a very little bit.( He didn't ejaculate, but he was so excited that I fully expected he would.)
We are planning on both her and I performing fellatio on C at some point tomorrow, and he will probably want to have his anus stimulated too.
Also, he wants to watch while G and I suck each others nipples and at least demonstrate cunnilingus, and he will take each of us to orgasm. Sounds good to me.
I can't wait to get my mouth around G's big, thick nipples, and will have to remember to be nice and gentle in my excitement. Also, it's been a very long time since I performed oral sex on a woman. I hope I can please her. (At least I know a lot more now, and should be able to find her clitoris more easily.) She will be surprised. And when I'm done, C can gum away at her clit and help her climax.
After G left last night, C and I were both so hot and horny, that we ended our evening with some fellatio and intercourse. He actually ejaculated into my vagina! ( First time!) It was lovely. His grip on me was amazing, and I believe he shot more sperm into me than he's ever sent down my throat! -Possibly from the excitement?
Well, Dr Fitz, I thought about some of the things we talked about yesterday on the phone, and was thinking about how I sort of "ask permission" a lot...As in, "is this alright?" or, "is that normal?"
What you don't know is that I was a fairly promiscuous young lady, and when I slowed myself down, and settled a bit at the age of 25, I knew I'd always keep both eyes open for any kind of perversion or promiscuity. So, I think that as a result, I like to hear from someone who I'm relatively sure knows, that what I'm currently up to is "okay". I do realize that all this sex is monogomous-(except for G), and that is even being done with C's consent.)-Heck; it's being done with his blessing! Ha!
The Psychiatrist I saw years ago, ( the one I masturbated for), helped me through that stage of promiscuity, and I then entered a totally monogomous relationship which lasted several years. I always felt a little weird about reaching an orgasm in front of him, but since he helped me so much, I didn't question it. Also, my panties used to get so very wet as I sat there telling him about my sex-capades, and my masturbation rituals, so I was nice and excited anyway, and he said it would accomplish two things....First, it would show how much I trusted him, and secondly I would be relieving pent up frustration. He was right. It felt very good.
So, tomorrow night we will have G here. Tonight it will just be Cs and I, and we can have a great time together. Maybe he would like to ejaculate in his trousers again. I'll suggest it.
Thanks for your time and efforts with me and my situation. I will stay in touch, and keep you somewhat updated.
3/1/02 Dear Dr. Fitz,
C and I made out splendidly last night with our anal sex; probably thanks to Albolene.-And of course, you!
I enjoyed using a very nice, medium sized dildo on C while he lay in a fetal position and masturbated, and afterwards, before he ejaculated, he performed anal sex on me,with his penis! It is a most pleasurable feeling, and with C's penis being so long and hard, it was a nice, tight fit for him, and we both liked that feeling. While he was sliding in and out of me from behind, he was also able to reach down under me-(we were in a doggie style position), and he was very good at fingering my clitoris. Aah, how nice. I had several orgasms.(at least 3.) This is not unusual for me.
You were certainly right about "a little bit going a long way"; the Albolene really gives an abundance of lubrication.
I have a question regarding anal sex. Assuming the parties are just showered, and scrubbed clean, is it okay to tongue "around", but not "in" the anus? This is such a good feeling, but if we could get sick from bacteria, I would stop. When I do this to C, I stay pretty far from the actual hole, and just kind of flick my tongue around the general vicinity of the anus. He just loves it. I think he almost ejaculated from it last night because his testicles got very tight and cool, and that is usually a sign to me that he will "go off" soon. So at that point I slowed down for him, and inserted the dildo.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement about anal sex. We plan to do this every once in awhile. I know a lot of people who would consider it perverted, but we enjoyed it.
Tonight G will be coming over to stay, and I'm pretty excited. The idea of watching her perform fellatio on C is very hot. Also, he will love her nipples. I guess I'm a bit of a voyeur because I look forward to the watching just as much as the participating. Well, almost.
C and I set some of our own ground rules last night, and have promised each other we will stick to them. We have a lot of love, and a healthy respect for each other, so we need to be mindful of each other's wants and needs. If G wants to do anything he and I have not ruled out, that will be fine, but otherwise we'll have to say "no."
Once again, thanks for your support. I'll be in touch.
Licking around the anus is called "rimming" or technically "anilingus" (similar to cunnilingus) and it is quite common.
Freshly showered and washed with a BACTERICIDAL soap -- Lever 2000 or Safeguard (both unscented) is fine, so long as the recipient does not experience fecal incontinence.
Some people take an enema until it discharges clear, then attempt to force the tongue into the rectum. I say attempt because it is almost impossible to get the tongue in, but the attempt to do so is felt as most wonderful by the recipient.
5/24/02 She writes again: Dearest Dr. Fitz,
This is me, "K" aka "D."; you know, 56, with C, age 73. Do you remember us? I believe it's been at least a few months since I last contacted you, and that was to tell you that Cs' friend A had moved in with us, and was sharing in sexual activity with us as well.
Well, my goodness, he's been gone for quite some time. It was a silly escapade.
C and I are doing very well, and are still "going strong."
Our sex life has tapered off a bit, and although we enjoy masturbating with/ for each other, we don't do it quite as often as we did back when I was in touch with you. He definitely still loves sucking my nipples until my vagina is nice and wet, and then I rub my clitoris for him while he masturbates. Also, we perform a lot of oral sex on each other. He is the best I've ever had at cunnilingus.
My friend G is still in touch with me and I don't think our little 3-some hurt the relationship. Thank heaven for that! She is currently seeing a man who is several years her senior, and they are quite happy.
That's all...Just a quick "hello", and hoping you are well. Take care now,
Yours Fondly, K and C
ps.........Saw my letters on the sexdoc page...Didn't know I could talk that much!
2/7/02 Q: I'm a little nervous even typing this, but, here goes.
I am a mid-twenties
young man with a question to ask regarding fantasies. I have read all of
your comments to questions and still I am left confused and feeling ashamed
of the thoughts that are arousing my brain at times.
To make this short, they are simply same gender fantasies that are very
vivid. (To vivid for me to describe comfortably) They come into my mind
when I am masturbating and highly aroused. (masturbation usually consists of
stimulation with a toy in my.....ahuh) I have learned to accecpt them
now(becasue supressing them is even worse, it can make u physically sick),
yet am disgusted after ejaculation. I have to tell you that I am not
attracted to males. I go out regularly and know that women are what I feel
for emotionally and physically as well. I have had many heterosexual
experiences, and a girl-friend with whom I had an intimate relationship for
2 years. Yet these homosexual fantasies enter my mind at times and
seriously take away my energy for life. It's almost killing me in a sense.
I don't know how to describe it any other way.
Now I (think)I know all the possible results of analyzing this.
Possibly...Bisexual, pan-sexual, latent homosexual.......whatever, I
seriously am not attracted to men or think or look at them anywhere, yet the
fantasy comes back and I am simply aroused by the thought of the
I will add another something to this, which will probably render you
in diagnosing me over the net. I have just recently been diagnosed with
signs of bi-polar and have been put on medication. These fantasies have
come before the medication and are still prevelant.
So my question is this, could there be something wrong with my mind
would be reaching out for heightned arousal or something? Or am i
experiencing signs of simple supressed wants? yikes, even that sounds
disgusting when i think about it.... I really am quite confused....and when
aroused......some things I wish were not arousing! any thoughts on this?
Thanks Doc, you've helped many people with this site.........
anonomous......(however u spell that)
whewwwwwww....i reread this 12 times........i guess i'm really going
it to you
A: Dear A
Homosexuality is defined by the gender of the participants, not by the activity!
There are now TWO "Bend Over, Boyfriend" videotapes. The anus is righly endowed with nerves and many men and many women love anal stimulation!
Back off of the anxiety and enjoy the sexual response you are getting. Get a girlfriend and buy a harness and a strap-on dildo and have her butt fuck you! Many women love it.
In the meantime, get a copy of Bend Over Boyfriend from Goodvibes.com and watch it while having a thing in your uhuh and masturbating.
Relax and enjoy!
A: Dear I,
Most men are "hung up" on the size of their erect penis, and the myth is that women want a telephone pole between their legs! If you are not his first lover, I suspect that he has some idea that his erection is smaller than average, and I suspect that he is following the "do the best with what you've got" philosophy. If he is at all sensitive, suggesting that he use the dildo or vibrator on you could be devastating.
My encouragement is that you break away from the myth that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse, and that you appreciate other sexual activities -- oral sex, his fingers, etc. And hey, maybe it's the preferred size for anal sex.
To encourage your empathy, imagine that you had small breasts, and at some point he said something about being less sexually responsive to you because your breasts are ... well, rather ... small. How do you think you would feel?
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess
with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great
stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.
Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean
the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek
sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming.
Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much
as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood.
Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
I wish my wife would take a more active role in our sex lives.
Learn about new techniques, ask questions. I am an intense sort of person
and I like our more intense lovemaking sessions. I am constantly
trying to find new things to liven up things in our sex lives. I want to
try and experience anything, everything (most everything)..my wife and
I have had some pretty wild times in college and earlier in our marriage...
even with another couple once (she was with another woman for an evening)...
I want this to continue. She just does not seem to be interested
in different things. I think it is because she has some convoluted picture
of what is right or normal... She likes more vanilla sex. I want to try
other things, ball stretchers, cock cages, strap ons, 3 ways, bondage,
bdsm, clitoris pumping, clit hood pierceing any toys etc...she feels spending
money on toys and the like is a waste of money instead of possibly fun.
When I offer new things up in bed she is usually hesitant and makes little
to no effort to try and enjoy the new experience. She does not get creative
at all. I have made a swing, I want her to act as a dom...and or
sub, I would like to ask her to try CBT on me... but she would never do
the research to do it right or safely etc... she thinks that anything "outside
of the norm" is weird or wrong. I wish she would surf the web and
find new things. I got a PA (Prince Albert -- through the penis)
piercing a few years ago hoping she might get creative and play with it,
hook it to a leash etc...she does not like it and will not deal with it
on purpose. What should I do.. I will try anything she could
imagine... I think she chooses not to imagine different things.. How do
I tell her all that I want without her thinking I am wierd...
She won't masturbate...I think if she would learn how to please herself at will she would feel more sexy and more likely to try other things... how do we overcome her "beliefs" HELP! we are going to meet a couple for a long needed weekend vacation and they want to "play" so do I ..how do I make her feel more at ease and get her to be willing to try anything....is this about trust?
I know this is a lot to digest but I need intensity and change...she is happy with plain old basics... we have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 fantastic kids....I think her brain is stuck at being mom and can not get past being anything but a mom....
pent up creative sexually frustrated guy with a hot hot hot wife.
A: I hate to tell you but people, men and women,
have their comfort zones, and wish not to stray from them! THAT is
why I so emphasize that people find compatibility BEFORE they marry.
AND, that is not foolproof! Many people do what they think their
partner wants before marriage, then resort to their comfort zone after
Link to Answers #33
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