Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

A:  Dear R,

As men age the sensitivity in their penis diminishes.  Perfectly normal but a cause of distress in many men (as well as their sexual partner[s]).

During vaginal intercourse you might be too lubricated.  Try wiping some away to see if he feels more.

Oral sex often does not provide enough stimulation and a hand vigorously moving up and down the shaft with just the tip of the penis in the mouth often works.

And some couples try anal sex because that is a tighter fit and some women absolutely adore it.

Please try some things Friday night and let me know what happens.

sexdoc

After a particular session of a vibrator use (with a back massager kind of
vibrator), I have a loss of sensitivity that has persisted over four months
now.  I have been to a local doctor over this situation and they have told me
that this doesn't  happen.  But it did.  I am trying to find if there is any
option that you can think of that I could pursue to hopefully get things back
to normal.  I am getting very depressed over the situation and feel that things
are not getting better on their own.  Please advise.

M (female name)

A: Dear M,

Women who press a vibrator on the clitoris too hard for too long damage nerves in the clitoris.  Women who bicycle "too much" cause nerve damage somewhere between the clitoris and the spine.

It takes anywhere from 7 to 11 months to regenerate nerves, and you need to be patient and to be gentle.  I suggest asking your MD for 2% testosterone cream, to be rubbed into the clitoris every 2-4 days.  It won't make the nerves regenerate any faster but it will boost sensitivity in the meantime.  Don't use too much or you'll grow facial hair, get acne, and lower your vocal cords.

Also, because orgasm is a reflex triggered by a summation of nerve impulses, I encourage you to experiment with other erotic sensations e.g., from labia, nipples, and anus.

Thanks,

A

(Please do not publish the above email address.

A:  Dear A,

I NEVER publish an e-mail address!

I strongly urge you to read, cover to cover, all the text in Nancy Friday's books "Women on Top" and "Men in Love."  She presents fantasies AND some excellent commentary from mental health professionals regarding what is and what is not, an OK fantasy.

Your basic guide is that any fantasy is OK unless it is a rehearsal to unhealthy behavior.  Piercing your nipples in fantasy over and over is fine so long as it stays there.  If he ties you up and begins to sterilize a needle to use for real, that is NOT OK.

The single-greatest theme is women's fantasies is the "gentle rape," and many men fantasize raping women as a contradiction to the perceived gatekeeping by them.

Watch the actual behavior, not the make-believe.

I hope this helps

sexdoc
 

A:  Your cervix ought not be dilated because you can then pass all kinds of hostile bacteria, etc., into your uterus.  The tip of the penis might graze the cervix but it should not enter it.  I suspect that you are describing your introitus -- the opening to your vagina.

Kegel exercises can do only so much -- they strengthen the underlying muscle that enables your vagina to squeeze on the penis, but have no effect on the vaginal opening tissue itself.  I suggest that you find an OB-GYN who is sympathetic to your plight AND comfortable with sexuality (many are not), and ask for a consultation in consideration of a cosmetic episiotomy.  That essentially means cutting and stitching your introitus tighter.

But I urge you to make sure that you are absolutely positive that you are anatomically too big.  Your imagination can run wild with you and some doctors will say you are not too big when what they mean is "... this is not a disease process I am trained to deal with and I don't know what to do or how much to charge for it ...."

All of that having been said, in any event you should do the Kegel exercise every day (I prescribe 30 repetitions of 3 second holds punctuated by one second of relaxation, twice a day) because even if your introitus is stretched, you can compensate with your pelvic muscles to grip the penis firmly (affording great pleasure).

I hope this helps.

sexdoc

A:  Dear S,

The answer to the question of unprotected sex with ANY person depends on sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.  If neither of you has an STI and she is no longer able to conceive, there is no reason to use a condom.

Whether or not you have sex with your aunt depends on your religious convictions and how you follow them.

Having sex with any 61 year old woman will be different from sex with a woman your own age in two major categorical respects.  The first is a presumption about her skill, confidence, and patience, and the second is tissue firmness.

The fact that she invited you certainly attests to her willingness.  You will have to make a personal decision here, but if you proceed, it won't be the first time this has happened.  One of the founders of the United States, Benjamin Franklin, once wrote a treatise on the advantages of taking an older woman as a lover.  Reason number 10 was "Because they are so appreciative."

Please let me know what you decided and if you do have sex with her, please e-mail what happened.

sexdoc

I am so happy I found your site.  Just very recently I
finally found the courage to own up to the activities
that truly stimulate me sexually and emotionally, and
now I'm trying to find a partner (or partners, if need
be) with whom I can be intimate and loving through
being spanked and receiving enemas.

I have two questions for you.  My first question
relates to what you replied to the question, "Why does
an enema feel so good and why is it sexual?", which
was: "Some people ... have orgasms from spanking alone
(massive neurological inputs to the brain)."  Since
the thought of being spanked is just as stimulating to
me as the idea of being given enemas, will you
elaborate on the physiological impact of spanking?
How can one have an orgasm just from spanking?

My other question is: Do you know of a sex therapist
or professional nurse or other medical professional
with your kind of openness who is near New Orleans?
I'm looking for a directory of some kind if one
exists.  I want to find and experience sexual intimacy
with an enemate, but first I'd like to get an erotic
enema from a professional... either man or woman... so
that I can learn how to have it done properly.  That
chiropracter, Knox, is just too far away, or I would
visit him, although I'm not sure how intimate it would
be with him.  Just a learning experience with him, I
think.  But learning what is the right way to do it is
the first step, isn't it?

It's taken me many, many years to come to terms with
my desires for this, but I know that spanking and
enemas are about extreme intimacy and trust for me.
It's about a very special kind of love I hope to share
with a loving partner some time soon.

I hope you can help me find such a professional to get
me started.

Thank you,
M  (FEMALE NAME)

A:  Dear M,

Spanking, enemas, and a vibrator on the clitoris all send nerve signals to your brain, and can trigger orgasm.

Because sexual contact with a patient is illegal, you will have a hard time finding a professional to help with this.

BUT -- the good news:  Because there are probably 10 times as many men as women looking for an enemate (for the uninitiated, that means "enema mate"), a discrete ad in your local personals should result in more responses than you can handle (or who can handle you).  And you will find that there are enemates out there who are thoroughly versed in all the art and techniques (and who have quite a collection of apparatus).

Let me know what happens!

sexdoc

1/29/02 She writes again:  Wow, illegal?  But in the "old" days, I thought sex
therapists hired sex surrogates to stimulate clients?
Or was that a fabrication?

I have to confess that since what excites me is the
intimacy more than the activity, I'm not sure that an
ad in the paper would work.  I would have to interview
the respondents to see if there could be a love
interest.  I am looking for love.  Just expressed in
an unusual way.

I appreciate your taking the time to reply.  Please
wish me luck finding my enemate lover!

Best,
M  (female name the same)

A:  Actually, up until about 1920, medical doctors treated "hysterical" women by stimulating their clitoris until they achieved a "paroxysm" (orgasm).  The tedium of manual stimulation for this procedure was the major impetus for the development of the vibrator, which was first a "medical device" exclusively for this purpose!  The "treatment" was abandoned because it was considered insufficiently efficacious.  Seems the women got hysterical more and more frequently so they would need "treatment," and doctors concluded that bringing the women to paroxysm was not a "long term" solution for hysteria.

There are still sex surrogates around, although in California that is technically prostitution.  We sex therapists have them approach us at every professional conference, identifying that they are available for referrals.

While I respect the fact that you are looking for love, not just a mate for an unusual activity, I urge you to filter on "activity compatibility."  Too many committed relationships have a disparity in preferred sexual activity which results in frustration, grudging acquiescence, or worry that the partner will fulfill the desire for that activity outside the primary relationship.

And take heart:  wanting a partner who will indulge your interest in spanking and enemas is only  more rare than finding one who is enthusiastic about oral or anal sex, for example.

Have fun auditioning.  Remember that each incompatibility is just one step closer to your enemate!

Sincerly,
E

A:  Dear E,

Orgasm is a reflex triggered by a summation of neurological signals flowing to your brain.  The rate -- amount of stimulation per unit of time -- is somewhat different for each person, and somewhat different for each person at different times.  Many women are less responsive during the days before they start their menstrual flow, and more responsive 12-16 days after they start their menstrual flow.  And, because of this summation of signals, some women climax when they are "close" only when then slapped hard on the butt (in the "doggy style" position) or when at that point their lover slips a well-lubricated finger into their rectum.  The sudden addition of new neurological signals "pushes them over the top."

Some women reach orgasm seconds after their clitoris or g-spot is stimulated, and others characterize themselves as needing " ... a jackhammer on my clit for 30 minutes."

While I hear your reference to fast action as "fucking," I encourage you to think of that as just your unique response style.  I suggest that you try fingering your clitoris (female superior or doggy style positions) during slower intercourse to see if that helps you reach orgasm more predictably.

Please let me know what happens.

sexdoc
 

A:  Oh boy!  Contrary to popular misconception, a child observing sex acts is not necessarily traumatized.  But you need to act quickly and consistently in explaining it.  The best way is to emphasize privacy and activities reserved for adults.  I would find a convenient time and say something like:   "Grown-ups have a special way of telling each other that they love each other, and that was what mommy and daddy were doing.  Kids don't do things like that because they are not grown up enough yet.  When you are older you can drive a car -- you can't do that yet, can you? -- and have a job, and when you have someone who you love like I love daddy, you can let that person know how much you love him (heterosexual bias, here) in many ways, including doing things like daddy and I were doing.

What daddy and I were doing was private and between us, and we didn't intend for you or anyone else, to see us.  There are some things that people do all by themselves, like going to the bathroom (or whatever your cute family name for "going poo" is), and some things that people do only with their special person, like what daddy and I were doing.  Going to the bathroom is perfectly normal -- everyone does it -- and what daddy and I were doing alot of people do, but in private."

Another tack is the "You like your privacy when you go to the bathroom, right?  Well, daddy and I like our privacy when we have our special way of saying "I love you."

It WILL be confusing to her, and be prepared for her to almost badger you for more explanation, but just like the continuous "why?" game kids play to drive well-meaning parents nuts, she will likely "milk it" for all the attention and rise she gets out of you when she brings it up.

If you still have trouble, contact your local child psychologist for some assistance in person.

I'd love to hear what you did (telling her, not in the bedroom) and what happened.

sexdoc

A:  Dear D,

It could be 0-100% systemic (hormones, diseases, etc.) and/or 0-100% psychological.  This needs a work-up and differential diagnosis.  Start with an annual physical with him calling this to the attention of his doctor.

And I urge you to trust NOTHING by e-mail on this!

sexdoc

Thank you very much for your time.

S

A:  Dear S,
I have heard of it to refer to the Male g-spot, which is commonly accepted as the prostate.

If a guy inserts his  finger in a vagina, pushes the pad of that finger toward the pubic bone and make a "come here" motion, it stimulates the  g-spot IF that woman has one.  Similarly, if his lover inserts a finger (no sharp fingernails, please) into his rectum, and points it toward his pubic bone and does the same, it stimulates the prostate.  Some guys get an erection from that; some guys who have an erection lose it; and some guys will have an ejaculation with or without an erection if it is done "right" and for enough time; but almost universally, guys find it extremely pleasurable (except homophobic guys who erroneously think it makes them "queer").

Does this help?

sexdoc

A:  Usually the problem is a result of not enough stimulation (if the vagina is tighter etc.) in which case she can try using her hand on the shaft and taking just the tip in her mouth, or anxiety -- irrational fear of urinating or ejaculating in her mouth.  If you wish to get more precise in your case, see a sex therapist.

sexdoc

A:  Dear Aaron,

Pre-cum contains sperm

Stress and worry can delay or cause a period to be missed

A drugstore EPT can be first used five weeks after her last menstrual flow started

The easiest abortion can be performed up to 11 or 12 weeks

Get sex education before you have sex again

always use a condom

see www.sexdoc.com

sexdoc
 

I was chatting with a friend of mine who was referring to her loss of
virginity as very painful.  She claimed that all her friends and such had
similarly unpleasant (painful) first times.

I said that couldn'be true, as my personal experiences with virgins were
okey-dokey.  I said that she was either exaggerating, or that her friends
represent a disproportionate group of females with rough, insenstive
boyfriends who must ignore the concept of foreplay or ram their way through
squeals of displeasure.

To cut to the chase... am I wrong?  Approximately what percentage of women
experience extreme pain, and if so, isn't it avoidable (I hope)?
 

G

A:  Dear G,

I hope that you will appreciate that there are no "clean" statistics on this.  It is not a funded topic and people lie.  There is no reason a woman should experience pain on first intercourse if she gets rid of her hymen and she is not anxious about the experience.

sexdoc
 

A:  Dear Fungible,
I had to look that up in a dictionary, but it fits exactly, doesn't it?  A
lasting relationship is essentially a deep friendship based on common
interests, values, and mutual understanding.  What holds people together is
the frequency of rewarding, caring, loving interactions.  Sex alone will not
sustain a relationship.  Your partner's sexual history is that of a fantasy
masturbator; this is not likely to change at his age, nor does it have to be
a major problem between you.  You seem to be insecure about his love for
you, given that he doesn't "make love" to you.  Perhaps you should find out
from him in detail what actions of yours he finds to be rewarding, loving,
and caring.  Then you will have a much better understanding of why he says
that he loves you.  As to the sexual issue, it is reasonable to ask him to
stimulate you in specific ways, oral sex, masturbation, etc., even   though
he is not "making love" to you.  It is loving of him to do these things even
though he likes to get off to fantasy.  My own belief is that males are
genetically programmed to be promiscuous; this does not have to be a problem
in committed relationships if the couple is secure in their friendship and
understand what they do that is mutually rewarding.  It also helps to plan a
rewarding future together in some detail.  You might also explore your own
sexual fantasy life with him, perhaps try role-playing some hot fantasies
together. Talk with him about these issues.  Do not criticize him!
Criticism makes everyone defensive; there is no such thing as "constructive"
criticism!  The two of you might enjoy reading my book, Burning Point,
together and talking about the parts that turn you on.  (See a description
of this book on this website.) He might come to understand what a deep love
is all about. Good luck!
Dr. Dennis Hinkle

A:
A remarkable number of people "discover" that they are bisexual or homosexual between 20 and 50 years of age.  If they experience same-gender sex then can function OK with the other gender, they're bi.  If once they go homo they can't function hetero, they're gay.

It is NOT the nature of the activity but the gender of the participants that defines homosexuality.  Just because some lesbians engage in oral sex doesn't mean that you are a lesbian when your husband performs oral sex on you.  And if you used a strap-on dildo and penetrated your husband anally, that would not "make him" homosexual.

Go to www.goodvibes.com and find the videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend."

Many people are what is called "bi-curious," and some who experiment like it and some regret having done so.  If you and he have an agreement of monogamy, however, that precludes sex outside the marriage regardless of gender, age, hair color, etc.

His liking anal stimulation doesn't make him queer.  It makes him adventurous and uninhibited.  I suggest that you both explore this.  The anus has lots of nerve endings and many women adore the g-spot stimulation they get when the erect penis is inserted deeply, and many men find extreme pleasure in prostate stimulation.  See the two pages on "anal sex" on sexdoc.com.  When I first opened the URL I received hundreds of questions about anal sex.

I hope this helps.

I think my friend's boyfriend has an STD and I am worried for my friend.  She said that a few months ago her boyfriend's penis got really red/swollen (the tip,helmet part). He also has major bad breath (breath mint,scope doesn't help) and his penis smeall like squid (must smell) She said he went to the doctor and the doctor gave him some kind of medication and it went away after 2 wks.  Two weeks is a long time & I don't think it's just a regular infection (then again, I'm not a guy and I wouldn't know what is normal and what isn't...but it don't sound normal to me). I told her to get tested but she trust him and think it's only an infection (they don't use comdoms). She also says he has a had time keeping his erection.  She said that when he does get one, he ends up cuming before he even gets it in. Not to mention that he mistaked her inner thigh for the vigina (he humped her thigh) came on her thigh.  How can you miss? He did that 4 times. But my main concern is STD thing. Swollen penis for 2 wks, major bad breath, major musty smell down below (penis).....Do you think it is a STD? Thanks!

A:  It sounds to me like consistent poor hygiene but then you don't need medication for two weeks if taking a bath and brushing your teeth is all that is needed.  Plus, lack of hygiene doesn't make your penis swell.  The "like squid" smell could be an infection or smegma -- a cheesy smelling combination of sloughed skin and skin secretions under the foreskin (if he is uncircumcised).

I suggest that you challenge your friend bluntly about her self-esteem.  Is this really the "best" partner she is a complement to?

You are to be applauded for your sororal concern!

sexdoc

G in KS

A:  Ah the essence of the "sticky wicket!"

Bottom line:  Your options are to terminate your extramarital relationship and be frustrated, or to go to sex therapy so you can learn other forms of sexual activity that do not irritate her clitoris, or to have sex outside the marriage while absolutely guaranteeing that your wife never finds out.

Women are threatened by extramarital spousal sex primarily because they believe that because of that their future is less certain.  Why do many French wives discreetly condone their husband's mistress?  Because he makes it absolutely clear that her (the wife's) position is secure with him.  Some women have informed me that they are relieved that their husband gets sex elsewhere because it take pressure off them!

We Americans are still provincial when it comes to sex, and the Judeo-Christian - Puritanical hangover we suffer from results in seriously rigid thinking.

Please scour my pages for the protocol for sexual desire discrepancy, but basically, you can get surprisingly satisfying sexual relief from sliding your erection between her lubricated thighs (close to her pubic hair).  She catches the semen with a tissue and all that gets rubbed are her thighs.  It's not intravaginal, and you do not get the pleasure from  seeing her have multiple orgasms, but it is monogamous.

It is unfortunate that she experienced sexual trauma but you need to know that your extramarital sex is likely re-traumatizing her, and it could easily terminate your relationship.

This is about all I can do by e-mail.  I urge you (either alone or with your wife) to discuss this with an experienced sex therapist.

sexdoc

1/26/02 He writes again:  Dear Doc,

  I wrote to you back in Dec about my problems and you
e-mailed me back. I took your email home and discussed
it with my wife. Since then we have had many long
discussions concerning the whole situation. Once I
realized that this is my problem and that she is not
at fault for anything I expressed this to her. At that
point her attitude changed. She said that even though
she didnt fully understand what was causing it all,
that she would try to cope as long as I let her have
room to breathe and think things through. She is
allowing me to keep the meetings with my female friend
and we have set boundary rules to go by. We have
really talked hard about the jealosy and anger that
she has. And she said that she loved me and that even
though I might have to still take some heat from her
at times that she would try and keep as open a mind as
she could. I am taking this one step at a time.

Thanks for the advice, report later.

G
 

A:
Always use a condom!  The fleeting pleasure (which you did not have) is not worth the anguish, stress, and worry you are going through.

I hate to tell you but if I were you I would be much more concerned about contracting a sexually-transmitted infection!

If you count the first appearance of menstrual flow as day one, the "perfect" woman ovulates on day 14 and the egg is viable for 2-3 days.  But  because various factors make ovulation occur early or late, such calendar methods of avoiding pregnancy are notoriously inaccurate (and the scientific name for people who practice that method for birth control is "parents").

If she is pregnant and you and she agree to an abortion, make sure it is done as absolutely soon as possible and do NOT go past 12 weeks after possible date of conception.  After then the abortion is much much more complicated, expensive, painful, and public.

Find out if your county has a free STD clinic and make an appointment with it.  And, contact Planned Parenthood to find out what services are available to you (such as testing, education, and abortions).

It's OK to make a mistake.  It's not OK to repeat it.

sexdoc

M y girlfriend and i recently had sex for the first time. We were both
virgins, and although she had some soreness, i had absloute burning hot
needle pain. My foreskin was pulled back further than usuall, when
masturbating, and a little ridge of skin teared very slightly. It bled like
hell. Could you inform me what the hell this piece of skin is (It's on the
underside of my penis)

Also, this piece of sking didn't tear completely and to see if anything was
wrong, i had a look and it has now healed.
What i can't understand is - if you watch a porno, the guys foreskin is
behind the head, so either they have a normal penis, or the have been
circumsized.

Any information or advice would put my heart at rest, (my girlfriend didn't
know.)

thnak you,
 

A:  You really need to call this to the attention of your medical doctor -- who will be very understanding and not at all judgmental.

That part on the underside of your penis where the foreskin connects to the shaft is called the frenulum, and it sounds like you ripped it a bit (to make it bleed).

The reason you want to ask your doctor about it is that if you do what you described too many times, you will develop insensitive scar tissue and that will interfere with your sexual activity for the rest of your life.

So get minor out-patient surgery NOW to rule out having a problem with this  for the rest of your life.  And if your primary care MD is at all uncomfortable, call around to find a urologist who is "ho-hum" about this common problem.

I suggest strongly that you not attempt intercourse until you get this medically checked.

sexdoc
 

A:  Only some men can be brought to orgasm this way -- and it is prostate stimulation that does it.  If he is on his tummy, you insert a well-lubricated finger into his rectum and push forward and down until you feel something that feels like the tip of your nose.  The prostate is bi-lobal and massage left and right and up and down with rhythmic pulsing (press then relax about once a second) can bring some men to orgasm with or without an erection.

Of course it will help if he gives you feedback when it feels especially good.

More than this you need to see an anatomy text or get personal instruction.

I hope this helps

sexdoc
 

                  I have the following queries on using condoms:-

                  1. Are they 100 percent safe in preventing sexually transmitted diseases??

                  2. Is it safe to say that by using condoms during sexual intercourses with many women including
                  hookers/prostitutes, we are safe from being infected with sexual diseases??

                  3. Finally, by wearing condoms during sexual intercourses or oral sex, does it justifies to say that
                  I/We could have sex with as many women as possible??

                  Please advise/comment.

                  Thank You for your time.

                  Best Regards
                  James.

A:  1)  No -- because skin and body fluid contact occurs elsewhere besides penile-vaginal contact.  2)  No -- even kissing, holding hands, even towels, sheets and toilet seats can transmit some sexually transmitted infections.  3)  Every sexual contact carries a degree of risk and every additional partner and every additional sexual contact provides yet another opportunity for sexual disease transmission.

A:  And this is precisely why I have two anal sex pages on my home page.  Note the implied message (which I often receive explicitly):  "There is no one I can ask about this," or "I would die of embarrassment asking anyone this...."

Secondly, is a man turned on by touching a woman's breast (especially after 10 years of being together) or is it merely a task and routine?  I remember a time when it used to SOOO excite my husband and now although he does it, it does NOTHING for him.
I am really beginning to wonder, please please HELP!

A:  Some men use, as an excuse for their rude behavior, the argument that according to Darwinian evolution theory, men are genetically programmed to spread their seed to as many recipients as possible, and they "can't help it."  I impolitely inform such men that we have also been genetically selectively bred to urinate, defecate, and flatulate in certain ways, but that does not give us permission to do so in public in Western society urban settings!  There is such a thing as being "civilized" and having good manners.  There is a message in his flirting and without a personal interview, I cannot meaningfully speculate what it is.  But I urge you to pursue this because it is at a minimum disrespectful, and at a maximum, testing limits that can lead to "innocently" dropping a business card to another woman.

The "seven year itch" seems to have visited you three years late, but clearly, the novelty has worn off and getting used to the same old, same old is dangerous.  Humans are stimulated by variety, and if you are committed to monogamy, I suggest that you evaluate how routine versus varied your sex life with him is.  Introducing new sexual positions, different locations, quickies versus longies, sex toys, etc., helps.  In therapy I help people become sufficiently disinhibited that they occasionally masturbate in front of each other, engage in oral, manual, or anal sex as an alternative to penile-vaginal intercourse, use frottage (his penis between her thighs or in the crevice of her buttocks; try straddling his leg or humping his hip bone), watch porno videos together, and, while nude and touching the reader sexually, read out loud to each other from Nancy Friday's books "Women on Top" and "Men in Love" (compendia of sexual fantasies).

If you are or his is dissatisfied with what you can achieve just by the two of you, I suggest "For Each Other" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., selecting other books in the sexuality section of your largest bookstore, or seeing a sex therapist (who also specializes in relationships).

I hope this helps.  What do you think?

12/20/01 She writes again:  I Am SOOO very grateful for your reply and thank you.  I am not sure that I explained it clearly though.  (maybe I am just trying to justify it..I hope not.)  When I say, he looks at other "attractive women"....never does he do
it in a "player " type of way....If he knew that I saw him, he would look away instantaneously.

You are right about the 7 year itch....and it visited us 3 years ago acutally in the beginning of our marriage.  I really believe in the sanctity of marriage but boys is it ever hard work. I am trying and working SOO hard to determine whether some issues stem from my insecurities and if so to eliminate that!   There has been an increasingly decrease in interest and frequency of sex and it scares me because it is truly NOT my fault. It makes me feel so devalued, worthless, unattractive when I am always the initiator
or he just doesn't seem to "enjoy" it like in the past.

From the way you describe it I infer that he has a threshold of intimacy, or that he is eroticized by novelty and once having investigated you, he is bored.

We have been through VERY rough and trying times (we separated for 2 months)...psychologically could this be part of him being slower to come around as well?   Is it normal for a couple after 10 years to not kiss or want each other as passionately as when they first met or is it unhealthy if it is not that way?

It is common for a couple not to want to be as passionate as when they first met, but being sexually excited, responsive, and initiative with each other is the case for about 50% of couples after 10 years....

P S When people say marriage is a LOT OF HARD WORK,,,,is this what they mean or does this have dysfunctionalishm written all over it?

That is a judgment call!  Both members of a couple need to invest in the relationship, but the rewards should be commensurate with the effort!

I know I am probably pushing my luck here by writing again and asking more questions but you just appear to be so incredibly gifted, knowledgeable and insightful.  I grew up with and was surrounded by unhealthy, dysfunctional events and as an adult am trying to reprogram my thoughts and take control of my own life and such...BUT I need help from professionals knowing what is normal, what is healthy and what is not!!  PLEASE ??????

"Normal" is relative to the "norm," or "other people," and that fails to take into account your unique preferences, skills, abilities, wants, needs, desires, etc.  The operative question is what you are willing to offer in return for what you want, and whether you find a partner who is compatible with that!  Healthy is what maintains or improves; and is not what is destructive.  This must be assessed in the context of the couple.  If your interaction with your husband maintains or improves your self-image, confidence, and security, that is healthy for you.  If your interaction with your husband results in your feeling diminished, demeaned, devalued, or more insecure, this is NOT healthy (and you need to make a change -- and talking in person to a mental health care professional is a good start).

I know you are very busy but would really appreciate your professional, educated advice at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
T

And because you are so articulate and appreciative, I am motivated to respond soon!

sexdoc
 

Thank You,
E

A:  To the contrary, it's not an odd question at all!  I cannot address the damage question because I am unaware of the intensity, but if you are not experiencing testicular pain, I am unaware of any damage from vibrations per se.  The "danger" is that you will become so conditioned to this unique form of penile stimulation that you may find that the less or different stimulation from vaginal intercourse does not provide enough for you to come to orgasm!

What a stupid thing to say.  If a woman has a vagina, and a man has a penis, then they are sexually compatible.  After having an orgasm with a vibrator, would you say you were compatible or incompatible with the vibrator.  You've been thinking about sex too long.

A:  Dear GP in Oregon:  Sigh!  Would that it were that simple!  The compatibility to which I refer occurs most often along the dimensions of frequency and nature of activity.   Men and women ask me often how to "make" their partner have sex more (or less) often, and many people are frustrated and unfulfilled by their partner's unwillingness to engage in certain activities.

For example, a woman writes:  "Sweet and sensitive is OK much of the time but GOD I wish from time to time he'd just command me to get my ass into the bedroom, strip and wait for him to come in.  Then, I'd love it if he came in, told me to "play with myself," then when he was undressed, to get up on all fours so he could take me from behind, call me a whore, talk dirty to me, and slap me on the butt.  But, Dr. Fitzgerald, he says he just can't bring himself to do that -- that it would be too disrespectful, and besides, he says he doesn't know what to say."

A man writes:  "I had a girlfriend who adored sometimes just bringing each other to orgasm with oral sex, or who from time to time asked for backdoor pleasuring.  My wife thinks that any oral or anal sex is slutty.  How do I make her do these things?  I'm sure she'd like it if she just tried."

And so, Dear GP, rather than have yet another virgins-on-their-wedding-night couple come in for sex therapy because one has secretly strayed and tasted of great variety and delights and now wants the other to join in the games, but he or she won't, I think it is much more practical to encourage folks pre-maritally (actually I strongly encourage it before an engagement is announced) to assess their compatibility intellectually, emotionally, and physically, the last including sexual frequency and variety as well as exercise and activities (like swimming, walking,  camping and hiking).

Do you wish to comment on my reply?

12/13/01 He Replies:  I wonder how many people who engage in pre-marital sex as you recommend, decide not to continue the engagement because they had bad orgasms.  There is no such thing as a bad orgasm; there are only good ones and better ones.  How would you know if you were having good sex or bad sex.  You could only know this if you had something to compare it to.  So, I guess you would have to recommend that couples have sex with multiple partners before getting married.  Practice makes perfect, right?

A:  Aha!  Very good, grasshopper!  Why do people who date break up?  Why would you want to terminate a relationship if you were getting enough of your needs fulfilled?  People date to audition potential mates in the assessment of compatibility!  If you conclude that your date is much smarter or much less intelligent than you, you will not want to associate with him or her.  If you feel emotionally unheard and uncared for by your date, that doesn't feel good and you are not likely to continue seeing that person.  You refine your values by having experience with different potential mates.  Dating provides the experiential data so one can clarify what he or she really thinks is important, and in a perfect world, as absolutely soon as you conclude that a person you are dating is not a "keeper," you would terminate the relationship and reassess your priorities and screen for someone with all the qualities that are important to you.  And then the "getting to know you" begins and you see if there is consistent substance behind the appearance and words.

And yes, in my experience, having started providing relationship and sex counseling and therapy in 1965 as a graduate student, I have found that people who "shop around" to really find out what is important to them, and who then make an informed decision from life experience, avoid conflicts in those areas in which they have determined that they are compatible.  As a broad generalization, I think that a good assessment could be obtained from intimate sexual contact with at least ten members of the gender you want to make a commitment to for an extended period of time.  With at least three of them, have intimate sexual contact (penile-vaginal or anal or oral or manual) at least twenty times, and with one of those three, live with them for an entire year (all seasons and holidays and travel together).  How many one-time (or two or three, etc.) sexual events you have to "endure" (I know, I know, it's a dirty job but someone has to do it) until you get to those three for at least twenty sexual events depends, of course, on the individual.

By so doing, one would have a reasonable sampling of sexual variety and frequency to draw a conclusion about compatibility, and minimize the chance that they would have sexual conflicts later.  Of course, variations raise their ugly heads, and as the genders age, their hormone levels change, and some people get tired of the same-old same-old sooner than others, and people drop their interest in sex at different rates, etc.

Joke:  Man on his wedding day; best man says "Hey, why the great grin?"  The groom replies "I just got a fantastic blow job from the woman I'm about to marry and I'm looking forward to that every day for the rest of my life!"  Maid of Honor, meanwhile, asks bride why the great grin.  She replies "I just gave the last blow job of my life!"

That is sarcastically funny because the frequency of sexual contact for the first month after the first sexual contact predicts a 50% rate during the thirteenth month of sexual contact.  Example:  Couple dates for three months.  Day one of month four they first have sex (however defined).  They are sexual for twelve months (months 4,5,6 ... 7,8,9 ...10,11,12 ... 13,14,15) and if you count the intimate events during month 16 (since they met), that will most likely be 50% of the number of sexual events during month four.

So what am I grandstanding against?  Woman says to me:  "We dated in high school.  He was my first and only lover.  We graduated, got married, had three kids right away.  Ten years later, kids are 9, 7, and 6, guy at work comes on to me and I finally "give in."  He licks me ALL OVER, and brings me to multiple orgasms with his fingers, his tongue and lips, and through vaginal or anal intercourse, and with sex toys and vibrators (and sometimes I lick him ALL OVER, too!).  Hubby is a "stick it in, wham bang, thank you M'am" guy, pulls out rolls over and is asleep in minutes.  He won't try anything different (he calls it "kinky").  So my options are to stick with hubby and not "stray" (and be unfulfilled now that I know how delicious varied sex can be), or stick with hubby and have affairs, or break up my family and marry or just live with a guy who can sexually satisfy me.  THIS is the conflict of a repressed Judeo-Christian (include Puritanical if not also Victorian) ethic that causes misery, divorce, unhappiness, and repression!

I cannot stop without commenting on your "practice makes perfect" reference.  No, I do NOT encourage any sense of "practice until you are perfect."  I encourage "sample so you will know what is important and valuable to you, and when you find compatibility, nurture the introduction of variety within the relationship so you feel less of a need for variety outside the relationship.  Strive to find new and different ways to 'spice up' your monogamous relationship so neither of you diverts the valuable resources of time and energy outside the relationship (and/or brings sexually transmitted infections into the primary relationship)."  That is why I encourage couples to read out loud passages from Nancy Friday's books "Men in Love" and "Women on Top" and to call Good Vibrations and Adam and Eve to get their sex toy (and other items) catalogs, and to read them page by page discussing how they could play with each other with the toys....

A:  I am delighted to hear that!

I am also a bit surprised and I must compliment you:  Often couples report having sex many times in the missionary position before doing it doggy style because the woman will report that she needs to "know him very well" before she can let him see her anus.  Go figure!

Dr. Fitzgerald

A:  In counseling couples since the mid 1960's I have seen the sexual revolution come and go and all kinds of other phenomena.  My reaction is not "politically correct" but the practical answer to your question is that many marriages stay unbroken because  one of the parties is able to get sexually satisfied outside the marriage.

So your choices are to stay married and not get sexually fulfilled which will likely end in divorce, or to stay married and get your sexual needs filled discreetly outside the marriage and stay married to your husband.

I respectfully suggest that you have an affirmative obligation to make sure that your husband is protected from knowledge that the extramarital sex is happening.

And, for your information, when the spouse finds out, his or her reaction is often relief.

I hope this helps

sexdoc

Q:  What can she do to alter her vaginal scent?

A:  It's affected by vaginal infections and some medications and some foods but it is not predictable in every woman.  For some, garlic and green leafy vegetables cause a bad vaginal taste.  For other women. those foods have no effect.  I know of no food to improve vaginal scent.

Q:  Are there foods to eat (I've heard pineapple juice, is there any merit to this?)? Foods to avoid? Why would food make a difference? If a woman truly has a bad smell, what does
that mean?

A:  It almost always means either a vaginal infection or smegma.  Just as uncircumcised guys can accumulate sloughed skin mixed with oily secretions under the foreskin to make smegma (look that up in SEX: A Man's Guide by Rodale Press), so women can have smegma under the clitoral hood.  Washing with warm water and soap and thoroughly rinsing will eliminate the problem.

Q:  If a guy just has issues with it, what can he do to make the experience easier?

A:  Drizzle chocolate sauce or honey on the OUTSIDE (inside is bad because that feeds the normal flora and fauna and can cause a NASTY yeast or other infection).  AND, one way or another, take a shower with her, wash her genitals, including under her clitoral hood,  with soap and water (again, no soap inside), rinse thoroughly, and see if that takes away the offensive odor.

Do NOT suggest that she douche.  That upsets the Ph balance and can cause a vaginal infection.

Q:  Is it OK to perform oral sex on her when she's menstruating?

Often that grosses out one or the other and it can taste awful, establishing an aversive association.  Plus, if she has any viruses that like blood, such as HIV, that is a risky behavior!

Q:  Is it true that you should never blow while giving a woman oral sex?

A:  Most of the time the cervical mucus is quite thick, but around ovulation it gets thinner to allow any semen/sperm to get in.  If someone were to force air in then it could get into the uterus and in the abdominal cavity and into the blood stream, causing an air embolism that would get carried to the heart, lungs, or brain and it COULD kill her.  Because ovulation is often unpredictable, the word is NEVER blow air into a vagina!

Q:  Can you get STDs from performing oral sex? What are the odds? What is most common?

A:  Yes.  We don't know the odds because I have never heard of a research study that examined STDs (it is now politically correct to call them Sexually Transmitted Infections, FYI) from exclusively oral sex.  Most folks who engage in oral sex also have other sexual contact so that route alone is not separated out from the statistics.  Herpes (crossovers from genital to oral that may then show up genitally in the guy), Human Papilloma Virus (HPV -- aka genital warts) and Chlamydia are common but you can also contract gonorrhea, syphilis, bacterial vaginosis (in men it causes inflammation of the penile foreskin and glans, urethritis and cystitis), candidiasis (in men, itching and burning on urination and reddening of the penis), trichomoniasis (in men usually symptom free but there could be a mild urethritis), viral hepatitis (especially B and C), and HIV from oral sex.

Q:  Do you have tips for safer oral sex?

A:  Make sure your partner is free of all diseases or make it playful with plastic food wrap to isolate her body from your mouth (I know, I know, no fun!)

Q:  Do you consider oral sex, sex?

A:  Absolutely yes!  When I appeared on the Leeza Show (national television), she asked for my definition of adultery.  I answered that it was "anything you couldn't do with another person while your spouse was watching."  Would you be OK with your girlfriend or wife telling you that she gave a co-worker a blow job?  I have had women in therapy say that in the dating sequence, they will have intercourse before they "let" the guy go down on them because cunnilingus is "too intimate" -- definitely more intimate than intercourse.

Q:  What's the deal with humming?

A:  Most humming is taking testicles into the mouth and humming, but on both genders, vibration of the genitals from any source including sound waves is usually pleasurable.

Q:  What is guaranteed to make a woman wild during oral sex?

A:  Being VERY CLEAR about how much or how little stimulation she wants, and where.  Women have told me that their clitoris is SO sensitive that all they can tolerate is the tip of a feather there.  And others say "I need a jack hammer on my clit for 30 minutes to get off."  So getting her to let you know what she likes, then doing that, is best.  And, vary the routine.  Stimulating the same nerve endings makes them go numb.  People norm-reference on themselves for touching a lover, and guys, who are used to fairly heavy touch, do that to women (who complain it's too rough), and women are often "too gentle" with a penis because they touch themselves lightly.

All of that having been said, if a woman has a clitoris that can take medium stimulation, I vote for my definition of the Venus Butterfly:  piston-sucking the clitoris between your lips by sucking in just a little, then by moving your tongue forward and backward, sucking in more, then expelling almost all of the clitoris out.  About three forward and backward tongue motions a second works well.

Many women like a tongue circling their clitoris several times punctuated by slow excursions up and down the labia (and if Rodale Press will let you print it) or lower, where the sun don't shine [yes, Brooke, I'm talking about anilingus].

And, just like some guys feel that their penis is extremely sensitive as soon as they have an orgasm, so it is with some women regarding their clitoris.  If she has an orgasm, be hyper-alert for any signal that she wants you to stop (a hand on the forehead pushing you away works well).

A:  Forget it!  They are anesthetics and allegedly after you are erect the anesthetic spray keeps your penis from too much feeling thus orgasm.

Don't waste your money!

sexdoc

http://www.nerve.com/Dispatches/Featherstone/Flow/

                            Sample:  Since the Victorian Age, the conventional
                            vaginal orgasm had been considered the only morally
                            acceptable orgasm a girl could have: clitoral play, which
                            doesn't make babies, challenged the Judeo-Christian beliefs
                            that sex should have a reproductive purpose and that pleasure
                            for its own sake was sinful (especially for women). But in the
                            early twentieth century, just as Western culture was loosening
                            up and becoming a bit more secular, Freud damned the clit
                            still further by declaring vaginal sexuality more "mature,"
                            suggesting that "clitoral women" over-identified with their
                            fathers. So when Kinsey proclaimed the clitoral orgasm
                            superior and emphatically rejected the G-spot, many women
                            rejoiced. For the next thirty years, there was little medical or
                            scientific interest in the G-spot or female ejaculation.

A:  He is curious and hungry for information, experimentation, and validation.  Congratulations on having an assertive pubertal male!  You are at an important crossroads and your disapproval can diminish his sexual flexibility later.

Psychiatrists are trained in medicines for psychotics.  I suggest providing him with a copy of The New Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort and weekly discussions of any questions he has.  If you present sex openly and with a detailed explanation that our society is extremely repressed and that he can't be open about his sexuality in public, and you explain how most males masturbate and provide him with lubricant or suggest soap in the shower, that will go a long way.

If you have problems with this, I suggest that you and he go to a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy.

sexdoc

A:  For a majority of women who feel this it is just an illusion.  For a few, they really urinate when they "let go."

You will have to experiment, warning your boyfriend and being prepared with towels, etc., (I suggest doing it in the shower just in case) to see what happens for you.

sexdoc

      I have been sexually involved with my girlfriend for at least 4 months...and in those 4 months we've had sex more than a few times.  However, it seems to me that I am the one usually that starts the foreplay or has the initial idea of sex-related activity.  (By the way, she enjoys the sex just as much as i do, if not more...)  I've brought this up to my girlfriend a few times.  She says she doesn't know how to be the "leader" in sex and that usually there is a mutual desire when I start something.  She also says that she is afraid I will laugh at her if she doesn't do something right even though I reassure her that is not the case.  I am starting to get tired of having to say something every time the opportunity arises.  When I don't say something...she tries to get me to start instead of her...and not by trying to get me aroused, but rather just saying something about it that would not turn me on at all.  How can I help or persuade her to become more involved in our sex life, try to turn me on sometimes, and do some things herself???

 Thank You, T

A:  Dear T,

I surmise that she is a victim of the "nice girls don't and those who do are sluts"  message.  For her to initiate is tantamount to her saying "I am a slut."  Therefore, after you initiate, it's OK for her to be responsive and thus she is not "dirtied, sullied, or otherwise defiled" by sex.  You are asking how to counter her years of repeating to herself "Nice girls don't."  It doesn't happen overnight.  This often takes a year of weekly sex therapy.  No one can transmit that by e-mail.

sexdoc

A:  Only if it damaged nerves or gets infected.  Otherwise it makes nipple stimulation easier.  AND, BE CAREFUL that a random (careless) motion doesn't rip it out (several men and women has described snagging a nipple piercing and ripping it out!  OUCH!!!!!)

A:  For the same reasons that heterosexual couples achieve female orgasm in only about 40% of the cases of penile-vaginal intercourse alone, lesbian couples also have a low "hit rate."  The clitoris needs more stimulation!

Your vaginal area pressure might (and likely is) an intermediate move that causes your clitoral hood to rub your clitoris enough to cause orgasm, as well as stimulating your labia which adds more nerve signals shooting to your brain (same principle as why some women LOVE several sharp slaps on the butt during doggy style sex).

Please go to the "Female Orgasm Matters" page linked from my home page and make adjustments for two women!

sexdoc

www.sexdoc.com

A:  I would love to help but e-mail simply is not an adequate medium!  You desperately need to meet with a sex therapist face to face to dissect this adequately.

Before your marriage terminates I urge you to invest in sex therapy now.  If you do divorce, what do you think your chances are of having a future sexless relationship?

Deal with this NOW while you have a husband!

sexdoc
 

A:  While I strive to provide only academically derived information, I occasionally contribute personal information, and this is one of those moments.  Guys experience a powerful "push and pull" when they are sexually excited.  When they orgasm, they are powerfully rewarded by a rush of endorphins, and if they don't, after prolonged excitement, they get powerfully punished by "blue balls" -- the phenomenon of pelvic vasocongestion that causes cramps (poor babies!).  Couple that expectation model erroneously applied to women with the social message that a good lover always gets his woman off (to orgasm), and you have both an anxiety anticipating that she will blame him for her abdominal cramps and a self-inflicted sense of failure as a lover.

In my early sexual experience I was absolutely incredulous that a woman I stimulated as best I knew how would say "stop ... I'm getting sore.  That's OK, I don't need to climax.  I just enjoy what we're doing."  That is very difficult for a guy to understand, yet eminently understandable by many women!

So I suggest that you share with him a copy of this e-mail and emphasize that what he experiences compels him to want you to have an orgasm, but that you are a woman and do not "need one" every time like a guy does.

Please let me know his reaction (and his subsequent behavior).

SEXDOC

A:  That is absolutely FALSE.

To the contrary, anal sex, if the penetrating diameter is not so large as to cause tissue (muscle) damage, oxygenates the tissues and exercises the anal sphincters, thus strengthening them and reducing the probability that they will be inelastic!

I infer that this is the older sister being jealous, authoritarian, or just ignorant!

A:  I hope you appreciate that given your history and the wealth of information I assume you have provided to your therapists that I am at a loss to provide a "magic bullet" via e-mail based on what you were able to convey in your brief e-mail.

You are in luck in that the Berman sisters (Jennifer M.D. and Laura, Ph.D.) practice in the Boston area and might be able to determine the source of your lack of response.

It might be hormonal or neurological but you are entitled to obtain a differential diagnosis of this.

When you do, I would very much appreciate hearing from you!

Dr. Fitzgerald

A:  Please take a deep breath and RELAX!  Fantasies are perfectly OK unless they "normalize" criminal behavior by desensitizing someone until they actually commit the crime.

You MUST read "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday, and if you can handle hard-core academic sexuality, read Kronhausen, Phyllis & Eberhard  Erotic Fantasies, a study of the sexual imagination (11 chapters, 429 pages, absolutely no holds barred compendium of erotic fantasies in the written literature.  Some are seriously disturbing so this should be chosen only by someone who is seriously confident of his or her sexuality.  The authors comment on the fantasies from a psychoanalytic perspective [serious inference about symbolism and meaning]).

I am a 23yr. old guy who has "quaintly" saved himself for THE ONE . I met a girl who I thought was her..she also said she'd waited, except she had a boyfriend but nothing much had happened between them.

We have not yet had sex but are approcahing it and we had been talking a lot about sex when she confided that she had had oral sex with this guy...and she was scared because he used to keep choking her as he was 9" and thick-I am 6" and average.
Also, he would many times cum on her face...an act I feel is a man "marking his territory" and the girl accepting it submisively-which has resulted in me losing all respect for this girl.

Please advise on what I should do-I find myself "inadequate" by size and also have lost respect for her due to this act she was invovled in with her ex bf. We have talked calmly of this and also argued heatedly-she has asked my forgiveness-but if I cant...do I let her go? Is there any way to find this forgiveness?

regards.

A:  They say that women with small breasts and men with a short penis are more skilled at oral sex to compensate.  YOU have to decide if her former sexual behavior is OK and you have to come to grips with your penis size!

I have done volunteer work for battered women.   Having been in a seriously violent relationship that directed me into years of counseling to determine why I received payoff while within the thing (kept it going for 4 mos., though not long by some standards, any survivor of a batterer will say the time spent in the relationship was too long); I wanted to offer my insight and thanks.

My batterer was sexually abusive, as is a factor in about a third of these relationships.  He seemed to get little pleasure from my body, but enjoyed masturbation.  I was very pleased with how serious you determined this problem to be in your response to the letter from the frustrated fiance.  The fellow's inability to agree his preference for masturbation was unacceptable shows a pattern familiar to me and repeatedly reported by other women in domestic violence survivor groups.

Today, I am in a healthy, enjoyable intimate relationship.  I must give thanks to my therapist and to you today for your good work.  Sex is arguably the most powerful human drive there is and as such, can be used as a tool to cause real harm.

Bless you.

Name Withheld

A:  Many gynecologists recommend continuing to take the active pills non-stop for three months!  You will NOT get your period while you are taking the active medication.

Conservative docs insist that the long-term effects of doing that are not known, but for women with painful or heavy periods it has been done for over 20 years!

Go for it!

sexdoc

                 Now that I meet women on a short term basis, I can get an erection as long as we "play" or during
                 oral sex, but as soon as I put a condom on, I lose it pretty quickly, either before or shortly after
                 penetration. My current partner is very understanding and I do not feel any pressure from her. We
                 are completely open to talk about everything.

                 Is there any simple advice that I can follow, other than using another form of contraceptive? Is it
                 strongly related to my age?

                 I have actually been to a professional sex therapist. His opinion is that the condom triggers
                 performance anxiety, and the remedy is his 15-week session of therapy, which is not cheap at
                 all...

A:  While a behavior modification protocol monitored and redirected dynamically by a sex therapist is very effective, I encourage men (couples) FIRST to try a half-dozen sexual events in which any attempt at intercourse is prohibited, and the activity is simply to engage in stimulation leading to orgasm for each party.  During the sex play, have HER install the condom.

Also, you need to know that starting somewhere between 39 and 65, your drop in testosterone makes it necessary for your penis to receive CONSTANT stimulation -- even gently -- to stay erect.  If you are putting the condom on then ignoring your erection, that could easily account for the loss of firmness.

Feel free to e-mail directly through www.sexdoc.com with what happens when you try these things.

Dr. F aka sexdoc

Each person has a desired sexual release frequency and none is more valid than another.

You approach her and say "Let's make a deal.  Whenever I want sex I'll approach you and tell you that.  You can say 1) A)  "Meet me in bed and let's do it." or B) "Later this evening,"  or 2) "I don't feel like being penetrated right now but let's lie on the bed and I'll put some lubricant between my thighs, you can lie behind me and move your erection back and forth and I'll catch your semen with a tissue," or 3)  "I don't want intercourse or to be with you right now.  Take care of yourself, we'll both know what you're doing; it's OK, and I'll hold your calls."

A:  Not necessarily.  While it could stir an excitement about some feelings you have that you have repressed or suppressed, it could also just mean that you have a fantasy about the "forbidden fruit."

People fantasize about many things that they never want to have happen in real life!  Some men who are not homophobic fantasize about sex with other guys, and the single most common female fantasy is about "gentle rape."  Being "taken" without consenting (or with mild, feeble, and insincere protest).

I had a patient who lubricated every time she looked at a Playboy centerfold, and who didn't find true bliss until her first lesbian relationship at age 40.  Other women get turned on because they put themselves in the model's setting and get turned on just thinking about all the attention and admiration.

Until you have some sexual contact with a woman you won't know.  You want to find out now or in ten years?  If you are gay, you will likely regret waiting so long to find out ("oh what I could have been doing those ten years").  If you're not, you will have found out and can move on.

sexdoc

11/20/01 She writes again:  Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your so quick answer. I understand you receive a lot
of questions and I am very grateful you answered my question so quickly. I
don't want to be cheeky, but as I am even more confused, I will take the
liberty to ask one more question. I will understand it if you have no time
to answer it.
Could I be gay if (at age 40) I have never been attracted to a woman in a
sexual way? I don't fantasize about women, but men. And I am strongly
attracted to men. Could it be such gay feelings are so much suppressed?
Until some time ago I didn't even think about there being gay people in the
world. You say I won't know the answer until I try, but the very thought
makes me nauseatic.
Thank you very much again.
Sincerely
N

A:  Yes, you might be lesbian.  While you say in this e-mail that  you have never been attracted to a woman in a sexual  way, you said in the first e-mail  "... I was sort of "turned on" by some of the explicit "erotic" pictures /not just nude pictures/.They are women!  So yes, the advice still stands.  Select a woman to whom you are attracted and see if she would be willing to engage in sexual behavior with you.

A:    He most likely knew exactly what he was doing.

11/17/01   :(
                 Well, I was wondering why you would say he knew what he was doing. He swears up & down that
                 he was totally asleep and he hysterically cried and begged me to believe him for almost 2hrs.. The
                 seriousness and emotins he shows almost make me want to believe him, but it still seems Very
                 weird. Do you think it is possible to masturbate in your sleep?(More then one time) or would it take
                 too much effort?(needing to be awake.) I dont know. I am so confused and feel like I have been in
                 this relationship for nothing. He is a GREAT guy but if he is gonna do that Conciously, I will not be
                 able to deal with this relationship. Another lady whom I asked for advice told me to back off slowly
                 and tell him to get some help. She said it sounds like he has an obsession problem either with sex
                 or women.
                 Another person told me that is how they watch Children, for signs of a sexual abuse sitution.
                 Everyone else have told said," its crazy. and they dont know what to tell me. He wasn't lying, he
                 probably did it in his sleep beacuse they dont think he would react that way!! and lastly one other
                 sex expert replyed with " I have never heard of it. I guess it could happen. Like sleeping walking,
                 sleep talking, etc...
                 That hasn't helped me much yet. I am just looking for something to make me feel better about this
                 whole thing. Please let me know what you can! I would Really appreciate it!! :) Thanks !!

A:  Dear Inge,

Men and women have been known to rub their genitals against the bed or a partner in  their sleep, as well as moan and utter sounds, and to reach orgasm, but if by "masturbating" you mean his hand was on his erection and he was moving it up and down obviously deliberately, I assert that that had to be under conscious control.  My reverse engineering of his two hours of histrionics is that he was extremely upset that he got caught for fear of your reaction.

This is NOT a diagnostic sign of childhood sexual abuse.

Of all you said I am most troubled by your comment that if he did this consciously, you are not sure you could continue the relationship.  WHY NOT?  Please research this!  Men and women in committed relationships masturbate from time to time, often in secret and, if sufficiently liberated, together!  You learn a TREMENDOUS amount of information watching your significant other masturbate!

Many guys (and women) have been so badly beaten up about masturbation as teenagers that the shame and guilt kick in immediately!

A:  Seriously doubtful for 2 reasons.

1)  The wet dream is triggered by an absence of orgasms -- and that occurs on average every 14 days if a mature man has not during that time had an orgasm, and

2)  The dream is not specifically either sexual or about one particular person.

If some guy says he has a wet dream about you every night I suggest that you take that figuratively to mean that he thinks you are very sexually exciting to him.

sexdoc

A:  Dear A,

I cannot say for certain why HE does it on his own but in general, guys who have a willing partner  masturbate because it is specifically a solo experience that is done without ANY regard for anyone else.  It is a DIFFERENT sexual experience from masturbating in your presence.  It is the absolute absence of any "performance."

In my book it would be OK if he asked if you wanted to join him, and you declined and he did it in private -- so in addition to when he was with you but when you had the option and declined.

AND keep in mind that some guys are embarrassed about their masturbation technique -- some like to finger their anus while the other hand is on their penis, and they fear that this would be interpreted as "queer" somehow.  Or they are just sensitive about their position, technique, sounds, etc.

If he has never masturbated in front of you, I suggest that you insist that he watch while you masturbate in front of him, thus role-modeling it.  Then ask him to masturbate the next time you masturbate.

If he won't, he needs to talk with a sex therapist in person, or you need to accept that this is one of his boundaries.

sexdoc
 

I wanted to tell you that I really admire your work .

I had a question and I was wondering if you could give
me a bit of advice.  I have never sought outside
advice before but I am getting frustrated enough that
I decided to ask for help.

I am a very healthy 35 year old woman.  I am very
successful in a career that I enjoy.  I have been
married for about 8 years now. I eat right and
exercise six times a week and generally feel great
about myself.  There is one thing lacking though and
that is our sex life.  We are also best friends and
get along great together.  We like to do the same
things like golfing and we like the same types of
music and foods.

My husband is 46, balding and somewhat overweight and
does not exercise (although I invite him to exercise
with me and we do play golf together frequently). We
dated for about 6 years before we got married.  He is
the only person that I have ever had sexual
intercourse with.  It not that I was a prude (like my
girlfriends teased me about being). I just respected
myself and it was the right thing for me to wait until
I met the person whom I felt was the one.  I am very
open minded sexually.  The only thing I have to show
for my lack of experience is the fact that I have
never had a venereal disease, or any diseases for that
matter, or even a yeast infection.  I am wishing now
that I would have slept around.

The problem is that in our 8 years of marriage we have
not made love very many times.  The times we have made
love were not very satisfying at all (for me- I think
he liked it).  He basically lays there and I have to
try to do all of the work (which is not always easy
for me because often it hurts or his penis (its not
big) wont go all of the way in).  I just hope that I
am not hurting him.

I will ask him to make love and he will say "maybe
another time".  Perhaps I was not really into sex when
I was 22 or 23 but now I find myself, for lack of a
better word, sexually aroused often.  I think of sex
often, I dream about having sex.  I dont know whats
become of me.  I feel very frustrated.

I have tried to talk to him about it.   He says that
he wants to make love but we never do.  I have tried
initiating (I always initiate), I even purchsed a
sexually oriented card game for lovers.  When I asked
him if he wanted to play he said.  "Yes, but maybe
another time."

I know that he is not gay.  When I met him he had a
Penthouse magazine and we looked through it together
and discussed the "scenes" and how they were exciting.
 He is out of shape and perhaps the size of his penis
makes him uncomfortable. I love his penis though its
the perfect size for me.

He likes to tease me about my looks.  I am very fit
yet very feminine I work out, do yoga and lift
weights.  I receive compliments on my looks often.
People frequently tell me that I am beautiful and that
I have a great body.  But my husband will call me
"fat" or if I have a blemish on my face call me "zit
face" or grab my thigh and say something like "ooh
there's cellulite, the hairy beast has cellulite".  He
says he's just kidding but I do not tease him that way
and sometimes it hurts my feelings and makes me think
that this is why he seems reluctant to make love.

I am not a total prude a have had a few sexual
experiences that did not involve intercourse with a
few guys (not at the same time - but that would be
fun) other than my husband.  A good male friend of
mine and I used to do a lot together.

I want to have chidren someday. Sometimes I can't
sleep at night (like last night for example) because I
am awake and thinking about sex.  I do masturbate
occasionally but thats so lonely.

Is this my fault?  Do you think that sex is painful
for him or does he know that intercourse is painful
for me and he does not want to hurt me?  Is it pure
laziness, a lack of confidence or something else?

I apologize for being so long winded.  I have never
told anyone about this.

Thank you
 

A:  You are sexually awakening and must decide if you wish to address the question of your serious sexual incompatibility with your spouse or suppress it and continue your current relationship.  If your husband is willing to engage in sex therapy you might find that he also can blossom into a more sexual creature, but that might not happen.

There are men out there who would be much more sexually satisfying to you but you have to consider the trade-offs.  There is no easy answer to this.  Your options are to stay as you are (sexually more aware but in a limited relationship), try to expand your current relationship experience, or change relationships.

sexdoc
 

I'm so glad to have stumbled across your informative
website. Thank you for providing honest answers to
hard questions.

I'm a 32 year old female and I've recently begun to
experiement with anal intercourse and stimulation with
my partner. Trusting him and learning to relax and
enjoy the sensations have made it one of my favorites.

However, here's my question.....usually after anal
stimulation or intercourse I am unable to have a bowel
movement the next day. I have not been rinsing or
doing enemas prior to our play either. Thankfully my
diet is sufficient to keep me pretty "cleaned" out and
we have not had any issues with remaining fecal
matter. Could you please let me know if this is
normal? Thank you.

A:  Yes, it is perfectly normal and no cause for concern.  "Normal" bowel elimination ranges from three times a day to once every three days.  There is some research evidence that more frequent bowel elimination (bulk or fiber in the diet) is related to reduced incidence of colon cancer, but there is no research of which I am aware that there is any relationship between anal intercourse and colon cancer.  Furthermore, anal intercourse often "tricks" the rectum into "thinking" that there is enough fecal bulk to warrant a bowel movement (part of why an enema works) and that inspires peristalsis -- the movement of solid waste through the entire gastrointestinal network (or "pipeline" would be more accurate).

 Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?

  Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

 A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough  of you! Knowing that there is  only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best  friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.  If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband continually asks me to perform  oral sex on him.

 A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and  gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform  oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to    do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband has too many nights out with  the boys.

 A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it  should be encouraged. The man    is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a  great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.
 Remember,  nothing can rekindle your relationship  better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean
 the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns  to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and  your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris  is.

 A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your  husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help.  You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your  husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him  and cook him a delicious meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

 A: You are a bad person for bringing it up  and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex  should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he  should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
 Perhaps you can make  it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:

 Q: My husband always has an orgasm then  rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

 A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.  Perhaps you've forgotten to cook  him a nice meal.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11/20/01  A reader suggests:

Dr. Fitz,

If Dear Abby was a man, he'd most likely have been here and done followed
this, the Oil Change Instructions for Men:

Oil Changing Instructions for Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000
    since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
    maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$ 1.00 for coffee

Total = $21

Oil Change Instructions for Men

1. Go to O' Reilly's auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
    filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back
to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6. Place drain pan under engine.
7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
8. Give up and use crescent wrench.
9. Unscrew drain plug.
10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil - get hot oil on you in process.
11. Clean up mess.
12. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
13. Look for oil filter wrench.
14. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
15. Beer.
16. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
        tomorrow.
17. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
18. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 17.
19. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
20. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
21. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
22. Remember drain plug from step 10.
23. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
24. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug.
25. Drink beer.
26. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
27. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
28. Drink beer.
29. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
30. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 29.
31. Begin cussing fit.
32. Throw wrench.
33. Beer.
34. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
35. Beer.
36. Beer.
37. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
38. Beer.
39. Lower car from jack stands.
40. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
41. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
     step 21.
42. Beer.
43. Test drive car.
44. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
45. Car gets impounded.
46. Make bail: Get car from impound yard

Money spent:
$ 50.00 parts
$ 25.00 beer
$ 75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$ 200.00 Impound and towing fee

Total = $1,350.00

Have a nice day ;)   Do enjoy your site.

Kay

Dear Kay:  I am adding this to the list for two honest reasons: 1:  your final comments (thank you) and 2: I can identify with the "guy thing" of doing it yourself.  Plus, your articulation of it is sooooo accurate!

 I wish my wife would take a more active role in our sex lives. Learn about new techniques, ask questions. I am an intense sort of person and I like our more intense lovemaking sessions.  I am constantly trying to find new things to liven up things in our sex lives. I want to try and experience anything, everything (most everything)..my wife and I have had some pretty wild times in college and earlier in our marriage... even with another couple once (she was with another woman for an evening)... I want this to continue.  She just does not seem to be interested in different things. I think it is because she has some convoluted picture of what is right or normal... She likes more vanilla sex. I want to try other things, ball stretchers, cock cages, strap ons, 3 ways, bondage, bdsm, clitoris pumping, clit hood pierceing any toys etc...she feels spending money on toys and the like is a waste of money instead of possibly fun. When I offer new things up in bed she is usually hesitant and makes little to no effort to try and enjoy the new experience. She does not get creative at all.  I have made a swing, I want her to act as a dom...and or sub, I would like to ask her to try CBT on me... but she would never do the research to do it right or safely etc... she thinks that anything "outside of the norm" is weird or wrong.  I wish she would surf the web and find new things.  I got a PA piercing a few years ago hoping she might get creative and play with it, hook it to a leash etc...she does not like it and will not deal with it on purpose.
 What should I do.. I will try anything she could imagine... I think she chooses not to imagine different things.. How do I tell her all that I want without her thinking I am wierd...
 She won't masturbate...I think if she would learn how to please herself at will she would feel more sexy and more likely to try other things... how do we overcome her "beliefs"   HELP!
 we are going to meet a couple for a long needed weekend vacation and they want to "play"  so do I ..how do I make her feel more at ease and get her to be willing to try anything....is this about trust?

HELLLLPPPPP.
 I know this is a lot to digest but I need intensity and change...she is happy with plain old basics... we have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 fantastic kids....I think her brain is stuck at being mom and can not get past being anything but a mom....
 signed,
 pent up creative sexually frustrated guy with a hot hot hot wife.

A:  I hate to tell you but people, men and women, have their comfort zones, and wish not to stray from them!  THAT is why I so emphasize that people find compatibility BEFORE they marry.  AND, that is not foolproof!  Many people do what they think their partner wants before marriage, then resort to their comfort zone after marriage.
 

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