Sex and Relationships

Sexual Dysfunction

Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality

Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

Welcome to ASK THE SEX DOC

Answer page #32

A comment worthy of sharing....  Note the abject lack of sexual repression.  AND, what he writes the second time is a must read for all sexually open people!

11/5/01  This is not a question, I read in one of your posts about a woman who was
"embarrassed" because she enjoyed having an orgasm while rubbing herself on
her couch cushion or a pillow. She also stated that her partner felt like he
was not pleasing her and he felt guilty that she had to masturbate in order
to please herself.
    My wife disclosed to me that she has done this since she was a very young
child, using a stuffed "snowman" she had. She also told me that she never
experienced an orgasm during penetration. As a teen ager her boyfriend (of
two-three years) always came in a very short time, and she always had to
"finish the job" herself when she went home. This was also true with her
first husband of five years. The only way she ever had an orgasm was orally.
And that was far and in-between, (he was not good at it at all). He also told
her she "took too long," and one time she discovered him masturbating in the
bath room alone.
    I on the other hand love oral sex, and she does take some time to have a
climax, but, that never bothers me at all. I just enjoy her that much longer.
After her climax, she enjoys me doing it doggie style, and she goes wild, and
very vocal until I cum. There have been times when I wasn't in a very
romantic mood, and she would bring out her "toys" (vibrator, dildo, lube),
and she would masturbate in front of me. (that usually gets me started : )),
She also loves anal sex, so the variety is endless. There are times when at
work she would call me, and we would have phone sex. ( I call it "pillow
talk") because she tells me she is laying on her tummy with a pillow placed
between her legs. She enjoys me telling her what I will do to her, describing
every detail until I hear her cum. I usually don't masturbate during phone
sex, I like to come home and take it out on her : ).. My point is this, the
woman in your column was told that she made her partner (I think it was her
husband) feel inadequate. I don't understand this. Unless he is very
insecure, or something. My wife really enjoys sex. and often too. She never
belittles me if I have an off day (or night), she simply takes matters into
her own hands (no pun intended). I think men need to wake up to the fact that
women need the freedom to express themselves as much as we men do. I know
many guys who hide porno books, films, etc., from their wives, masturbate in
secrecy, and, deny when caught that these things are theirs. (a friend of
mine told his wife he was hiding them for me so my wife wouldn't discover
them). I should also mention the fact that my wife also enjoys watching me
climax when I watch a porno with her. Some times she gives me a blow job,
mostly, she enjoys me masturbating. In fact, when eating her in a sixty-nine
position (her on top), She likes me to masturbate while I eat her, as soon as
I climax, she's soon to follow.
    I didn't intend this to be a porno story, I just wanted to share a very
open minded sexual relationship with sexual freedom between the two of us. I
don't feel the lessor man, nor she the lessor woman. It's so exciting for the
two of us to share that we masturbated at some point during a day. Come on
guys, give in, you'll love it. Relax, she still loves you no matter what.
    By the way, we LOVE your site, we have learned so much by reading your
question and answer forum. You're our best sex therapist, and we have never
had to call. Just pay attention to your advise to others. Thanks Doc,  J 'n B.
PS. We just purchased a copy of "bend over boyfriend," and a "strap on." I
didn't think I'd like it, butt...... : )

11/8/01  He writes again:  STRONG endorsement of internal prostate massage -- well worth reading in the Sexdoc's opinion (which is why I published it!)

Hi there,
    I wrote to you regarding how well my wife and I enjoy masturbating,
talking about our likes and so forth. I had said that "guys should allow
women to do their thing too" I also mentioned that we purchased the video
"bend over boy friend" and a "strap on" I hope you remember us. (J'nB) You
wanted to know how "It" worked out for me. Well, I was very apprehensive and
nervous, not to mention a little embarrassed that my wife was going to stick
a rubber cock up my ass and fuck me.
    Well, now, I gotta be honest with you. I wasn't into it for more than
five minuets (it took a little doing and a LOT of lubrication to get it in)
before I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. In fact, I found myself pushing
back every time she would thrust into me. It was absolutely wonderful. We
took your advice and made sure to get the "better made model" It cost a few
bucks more, but, we soon realized that the others would never do. Once I
relaxed, and went with the flow, (pun intended) It was the most wonderful
sensation I ever experienced since I first discovered sex, my hand, and my
first woman : ) I would like to strongly recommend it to all men. Believe me
guys, you don't know what your missing!! We used a rather small diameter
dildo, however, I think we will try a little larger one. The length was fine,
I took it all, it felt as though I needed to be a little wider in order to
get the full sensation.

    Oh, by the way, you wrote me to say that you were going to print my
letter to you on # 32, by Nov 5, however, in reading it several times now, I
haven't seen it. Once again, thank you so much for this site. It is so
informative. Every time we think we have a question, we find the answer in
one of your posts. I'm sure that people keep you loaded with questions that
are already printed. My advice to them is to read 'em all. Not only will they
more than likely find the answer, they will become very well versed in all
avenues of their sexual expectancies. Not to mention the fact that it will
save you a lot of time too. Oh, my other letter was about the woman who
masturbated on a pillow and her husband felt "inadequate"

An EXCELLENT illustration of why I emphasize that if you have sexual problems, you NEED to find someone advanced specialty trained in psychosexual therapy!

11/5/01 Q:  I am a 44 year-old male.  I started experimenting with cross-dressing while still in college.  I have been married 12 years, and for almost all of that time ceased.  About a year ago, I started again.  Four months ago, my wife found my clothes (she came home unexpectedly from a business trip).  My wife felt revulsion, fear, and apprehension.   She wants me to stop - and I have.  Once the initial shock wore off, our relationship has not been too severely damaged.

I went to a psychologist, who, basically was clueless.  She told me to get information from the internet.  I've been trying for five months, but I am an "internet idiot."  Today was the first time I found anything that wasn't just basically a porn site.)  Before putting this behind her, my wife wants information on this - something she will trust (Playboy Advisor doesn't cut it).  Articles or books.  I'm not sure what happens after we get the information.

I would also like to know how to find a therapist in my area that will be more qualified than the last one.     My insurance covers this, but the list of therapists is limited.  How do I find one who is qualifed?



A:  I am sorry that the psychologist you saw was clueless but I am not at all surprised!  Fewer than 2% of us have been trained to understand what we call the "psychodynamics" of what you describe.  Please see my link to "How to find a sex therapist" and take heart:  This is EXTREMELY common!

Wife unenthusiastic about sex
11/2/01  Q:
                 Okay, I hope this does not sound stupid, but my sex life is very unfulfilling. My wife "does it" but
                 does not put much effort into it and wants to get it over with. I am really starved for some passion
                 and had an affair a couple of years ago. My wife does not know about it. And the sex was fabulous.
                 I really want to do it again but I am concerned about the consequences. Am I abnormal, wanting to
                 have good sex?? I have talked to my wife about it and she is not willing to do anything to improve
                 our situation. What do I do??

A:   This is NOT STUPID at all!  Because I do not know details, I will give a rather "textbook" answer.

American society is still seriously repressed about sex and the influence of the Puritans.  The phenomenal amount of money spent on the internet for sex sites attests to our hunger for access to stimulating material!

 Women have been brought up with the message that nice girls don't (engage in or even enjoy sex), and those who do are sluts.  Even married women are repressed.

The sex therapy procedure that addresses a host of sexual dysfunctions, termed "sensate focus" by Masters and Johnson, has the side effect of disinhibiting 95% of the participants.  This involves seeing a sex therapist once a week and doing homework (we call it homeplay) optimally every other day (evening).  Depending on the degree of the repression and the flexibility and motivation of the participants, this could be successfully addressed in 3-4 months.

Now if she won't go to a sex therapist even once to have the procedure described, you have a problem.

I do not discourage having an affair on moral grounds, but rather that many people are in denial about their risk of a disease, and there are asymptomatic carriers out there (and women who have intravaginal herpes lesions).

So my best advice is to see a sex therapist in person.

Am I bisexual?
11/1/01 Q:   I am a married man, and have been for six years.  I've never had sex with a
man, and I don't find men attractive.  Yet, I seem to have some feminine

For instance, I am INCREDIBLY attracted to high heels, both women wearing
them, and wearing them myself.  I also enjoy it a lot when my wife is
assertive and aggressive in bed.  I enjoy it when she stimulates my anus with
her finger, and have ejaculated before simply from this.  Unfortunately, she
does not like to do it, nor does she know about my high heel fetish.  I would
love it if she would penetrate me with a strap-on, while I'm wearing heels,
but I don't dare tell her.

When I watch porn, it is straight porn, but as I near climax while
masturbating, I tend to watch the woman less and the man more, wondering what
it would be like to please a man.  I've been in adult arcades before, and
watch straight porn, not gay, and get turned on when men watch me through the
glory hole.  I've come close to trying sex with them, but instead I make
myself come and leave.

What are your thoughts???  Thank you!!!

A:  Dear reader:  For every 20-30 questions I receive about this, I post one on these answer pages.  I am going on record stating that while absolutely the questions posed to "Ask The Sexdoc" are in no way statistically representative of the general population, that questions about a guy who finds a passive role enjoyable (as well as an incredible number of questions about anal sex) are extremely common.

American society and, indeed, Western civilization in general, imposes a huge burden of responsibility on men to be the intiiators of sexual activity.  The guys are supposed to propose, and women are socializd to be the gatekeepers -- saying OK (either actively or passively) or "Not tonight, Dear, I have a headache."  In conscious or unconscious rebellion, as well as simply exploring diverse roles, men have been reacting with a desire to assume the passive role.  The videotapes "Bend over, Boyfriend" (I and II), available from  have experienced unprecedented sales precisely because women have wanted to experiment with the "active" role, and men have found it gratifying to experience a more passive (recipient) role.

Bisexuality and homosexuality are defined by the gender of the participants, NOT by the nature of the activity!  In the dark, a woman's clitoris is unaware of the gender of the tongue providing cunnilingus, and in the dark, a man's penis is unaware of the gender of the mouth sucking it (unless a beard is felt).  That you want to wear high heels (a common fetish) and/or have her put on a strap-on dildo is less a signal of "bisexuality" as it is of a desire to abdicate the initiative role and to want HER "to take the lead."  Letting go of the responsibility of the initiative is an extraordinarily liberating step!

Your anus is extremely loaded with nerve endings, so it comes (no pun intended) as no surprise that you can climax from that stimulation alone.

Having sexual/physical contact with men through glory holes can be very serious in regard to STIs, so I have to go on record condemning that.

Have a heart to heart talk with your wife about what you want, and in the same breath ask if there is something that she especially would like.  You might be surprised!  VERY OFTEN in the disinhibition of sex therapy, one proposes something the couple never tried before, to find the other quite enthusiastic.  When they query one another as to why this never came up before the answer is often (from each) "I was afraid you would think I was kinky!"

Freaked out a little by erection and a "little ejaculation" during a massage from a male therapist
11/1/01  Q:  I am a 31 year old heterosexual male.  I get a non-sexual massage once a week from a  male therapist.  Sometimes, this gives me an erection, which I understand is not uncommon.  Usually, I make sure I've had sex with my girlfriend or masturbated recently before the massage, this usually means I won't get an erection.  This week, I was running late, and had not "prepared."  The massage was fine til the end, where he did some odd leg-shaking thing that got me very aroused.  All of a sudden, I ejaculated a little bit.  I suppose he must have noticed (though it was all under a sheet--he had definitely notice the erection, because it stuck out a bit and he then covered it), but he didn't say anything before or after, nor did I.  We made our usual weekly appointment for next week.  I've seen other people say they get erections from massages, but not ejaculation, though I guess with one there's always the risk of the other.  I know I shouldn't be freaked out at all, but I am a little.

A:  This is controversial.  Many so-called "massage parlors" are fronts for brothels.  Many men become obviously aroused (and many women become UNobviously lubricated) during a good massage.  Taking advantage of this (and the privacy), sexual massages then offer the options of a hand job or vaginal intercourse.

The appropriate behavior in a non-sexual professional massage is to take the massage therapist's lead.  If he or she, noting the erection, states that he or she will leave the room for a few minutes so you can "regain your composure" (either by thinking of dead puppies or being scolded by nuns or by taking care of yourself [masturbating]), that is a clear message of non-participation by the massage therapist.  If the therapist continues the motion and you have an orgasm, that could raise homophobic anxiety in either or both of you (as I infer it did in you by your comment about being freaked out a little).  Plus, it imposes a "secondary relationship" with the therapist -- massage for the first purpose plus massage for orgasm.   Sort of like sleeping with your secretary.  But if it seems to be OK with the therapist, and IF you are not disappointed that your next good massage was not accompanied by an orgasm, it is one of those coincidental things.

YOU NEED TO KNOW that many massage therapists are very worried about an erotic response because IF the client seems to be OK during, but freaks out (homophobic anxiety) afterward, that massage therapist could be out of business -- license revoked -- as a result.

In regard to your being a little freaked out, please read my answer to the above question.  Specifically:

    In the dark, a woman's clitoris is unaware of the gender of the tongue providing cunnilingus, and in the dark, a man's penis is unaware of the gender of the mouth sucking it (unless a beard is felt).

To which I add that your penis knows not whether the hand on the sheet/towel/leg is male or female.  It ain't about the gender of the person providing the motion!

Bottom line:  If he is aware and doesn't seem to mind, and you are OK if it happens or doesn't happen, go with the flow (pun intended).  If EITHER of you is uncomfortable, a diplomatic announcement needs to be made ("I'll give you a few minutes to regain your composure" or "Please let me have 5 [10?] minutes of privacy").

A minor note:  You say you "ejaculated a little bit."  It might help you to differentiate between "pre-cum" -- the clear liquid (which contains enough sperm to impregnate) that oozes out when a guy is erect and excited, and orgasm, the involuntary pelvic muscle contractions that makes the white liquid come out.

Finally, please take solace in knowing that this happens very often!

She is sexual only when drinking
11/1/01  My girlfriend will have sex with me only when she has had enough to drink, and then she is very hot and horny and wants to do EVERYTHING!  Is this a problem?

A:  Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

What do I tell my 14 year-old daughter about male (im-)maturity?
11/1/01  Q:  Dear Sherry,

What on earth do I tell my 14-year-old daughter about boys?  She has already experienced that they can be completely infatuated on Monday and then act like they never knew you on Tuesday.  My friends and I just shake our heads, speechless, about the behavior of men.  I myself was stood up just before the wedding, not once but twice!!!  (Believe me, he promised me undying love to the moon and back.)  Other than that,  I've often gone out once or twice, had a great time, and then never heard from the guy again.  (Some -- actually, most -- are willing to have a sex-buddy for a few months or a year, but I have usually declined, preferring marriage or some sort of comittment, at least eventually at some point in time down the road.)   Let me save you some time, here:  No, it's not me.  I'm friendly, easy-going, nice, pleasant, period.  Even attractive and educated.

Anyway, not wanting to portray to this young, sweet, beautiful daughter the image of a bitter, men-bashing, woman, I said to her, "Why don't you ask you uncle Timmy and your uncle Mark?  They're guys.  They'll help answer whatever questions you have, sweetheart."

Uncle Mark's advice:  "There is only one time and one time only when a man isn't lying, and that's in the 15 minutes immediately after sex.  During those 15 minutes you can trust that what he's saying is the truth; otherwise, assume he is lying to get into your pants."

Uncle Tim's advice:  "Men are evil.  And tell anyone who goes out with you that your Uncle Tim has a gun."

I think my version was more palatable, explaining that I thought boys were commitment-phobes, ruled by hormones, homophobes, petrified of not being masuline enough.  I explained that for some unknown reason, the worst insult to a boy was to call him a "sissy," or a "wus," or imply any sort of sensitivity, femininity, or vulnerability, and that emotions may leave them feeling vulnerable, which apparently is utterly unacceptable until they mature.  I told her that sadly, I think boys have some big psychological problem which most of society ignors.  I said that boys will end up comprising 90% of our prison population and will do things like at Columbine in Littleton, Colorado, a lot more readily than girls.  They will also drink and do drugs at a rate of about 8 times that of girls, I had heard.  The news was on at the time, and I told her that Osama Bin Laden's army didn't appear to have any women in it, and that somehow, for whatever mysterious or hormonal or psychosocial reasons, boys just seemed to be more violent in nature.

As demoralizing as my version was, I think it was more hopeful than "evil liars."

By the way, both these uncles are married and wonderful, faithful, loving, supportive husbands.  Then again, they're both in their 40's.

I'm depressed.  Is this the world that we're leaving to our children?  Do men really get a free pass to behave how they please, because, well, I guess "boys will be boys?"
I'm not sure how to explain this to a young girl.  She's looks a little bewildered.  She's probably thinking she has to take the same SAT's for college, will pay the same taxes, she doesn't receive some discount at the movies for being female -- so why do we have to make all these allowances for boys??  I don't want to tell her that she has to wait till the 14-year old boys are 44 in order to trust anything they say or do.  30 more years might seem like a long time to her.  Is there any good news?  Or should she be wary?  What would you tell a 14-year old who wants to fall in love at some point during high school or college?  She is so beautiful, inside and out.  She deserves a prince.  Are there any 14-year-old princes out there?  Princes who aren't afraid to remain friends with a girl when the bloom of a crush fades, and who are respectful, just a little bit, of physical intimacy.  What do my men friends say?  They laugh very hard.  In fact, they're still laughing at my idea of a boy-prince for my daughter.  Who's in charge of this?  I feel like complaining to somebody, but George W. is kinda busy, and Clinton -- well, I just don't think he gets it.

Any answers, doc?
A Loving Mom

A:  Well, for starters, you tell her that her expectation model of the real world needs to include that some guys are jerks and "4F" men (Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fuck 'em and Forget 'em), and others are sensitive, compassionate, affectionate men whose peers will call them pussies for not being more masculine.  Tell her that American society is extremely repressed from excessive religiosity from both the Puritans, who came to America to escape religious persecution (only to then impose it on others here), and from current Christians, including the Roman Catholics (who are seriously embarrassed by the rate of HIV among priests) as well as the Jerry Fallwell-types -- extreme rights -- who show no embarrassment when caught with mistresses and hookers.  Tell her that 95% of the current financial commerce on the internet comes from sex-related sites because that is a telling index of how repressed we are as a society, and how the attempts to cloister our curiosity about sex have failed.

Tell her that some guys will tell her what they think she wants to hear (I love you; let's get married)  just to get into her pants in the same way that some women will lead a guy on for dinner, drinks, a night out at the guy's expense, etc., to then tell him precipitously at the end of the evening that she has a headache and "let's keep in touch."  Explain why some women are called "prick teasers."

Tell her that she will make mistakes in her decisions about emotional and physical commitments because she needs experience, and that guys will do the same.  Tell her that she absolutely needs to learn all she can about human sexuality, specifically about contraception and sexually transmitted infections, BEFORE she has sexual contact with anyone.

Tell her that because you love her dearly that you will obtain and read a copy of "SEX:  What Every Young Woman NEEDS to Know" by William  F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D., and that when you think she is mature enough to understand that material that you will provide it to her and that you will discuss the contents with her no matter how embarrassed you are.

And tell her that this line of questioning has inspired a whole new revised edition of that book!

He wants me to dominate him (and more) -- is this a mental problem?

10/28/01 Q:  Hi--

I just read an answer you gave to a woman whose husband liked to nuzzle her
breasts. You said that's okay, but you concluded, "Now if he asks you to
diaper him or supply his evening scotch on the rocks in a baby bottle, get
back to me-- that's a problem."

Well... I'm nervous because I'm about to meet a man who wants me to be his
"domme." He first found me on ICQ, not in a dating site. For nearly a year
we have emailed, then phoned, but now my excuses not to meet are gone.

He wants me to humiliate him by mocking his sex organs, diapering him,
dressing him as a girl, being strict and spanking, "raping" him and believe
it or not, urinating on him. He even wants me to take over his considerable
finances, and seems turned on by the thought of pleasing me sexually
whenever I want... and more. At my insistence, this would not be 24/7. I
don't mind most of what he wants, except I don't want to enable a man who
might have a mental problem (maybe I'm ignorant?)

He is a respected and well-liked professional in one of the country's most
desirable big cities. He is attractive, athletic, intelligent and creative.
When I once asked why he needs this, he seemed a little annoyed and surmised
that perhaps it's because he is a big decision-maker in his well-respected
firm, and needs someone else to make decisions at home. My only worry is
that there may be something far more insidious for which he needs help.

In our long phone relationship, I think I've started to fall in love, but I
don't know if he could ever reciprocate, using me as a means to his sexual

PLEASE HELP!!! If I use a search engine, it only gives me d/s sites. I need
to understand this man for whom I care.

A:  While "there's may a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip," there is also much difference between a person's public life and his/her private one.   Many mousy librarian - school teacher types in public are roaring sex-crazed monsters in private, and very often, super-dominant males get off from being tied up, spanked, butt-fucked with a strap-on dildo, pissed on, etc., by a dominant female (or male).  And NO this is not necessarily a mental problem (although, of course, it can be).  If he is as functional as you describe, I have to rule out "mental problem" (as in quasi-psychotic).

The operative question here is compatibility.  If you are at least OK, if not excited, by the role, then go with it!  It is said that being in love means that you want what is best for your beloved.  If you can provide that which he wants most, and it is OK with you or a turn-on  to provide it over and over again, then love him as he wants to be loved.  If it turns you off or disgusts you or bores you, see a sex therapist and discuss this.  I URGE you to see the videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend" (I and II) available at and to read carefully the sections of the book "Men In Love" by Nancy Friday dealing with domination/submission to get a better handle on this male behavior while you are considering what you want to do with this man!

And I must add that while the focus of your question is on his sexual satisfaction, that you MUST make sure that your sexual needs are met, also.  This cannot last if it is primarily about his sexual needs.  Make sure you communicate yours and that you get them met as well.

Please let me know what happens.


How do I get my wife to role play being a dominatrix and urinate on me?  NOTE:  This applies to ALL questions of "How do I get my ... to ... ?"
10/25/01  Q:  Dear Doc:
 My wife and I have been married for 8 years and have two girls.  I have expressed a fantasy to her and asked her to particpate in it.  The fantasy revolves around her playing a dominatrix role.  While pain is not involved, control is.  During these role playing sessions, I have asked that she urinate on me as part of the fantasy.  She will not participate in this fantasy.  At a cognitive level, I accept her decsion.   However, on a more emotional level I feel rejected and hurt by her refusal.  This fantasy is requested once every 4-5 months and I still receive the same response.  Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Dear Hurt,

To better understand her position, you need to imagine the least offensive thing that you truly would not do, then imagine that your wife asked for that.  For some men it could be as simple as getting a blow job from another man while she watched.  Imagine all the ways she could justify it:  "But honey, why not?  It'll feel good and he'll use a condom on you so you don't have to worry about an STI, and all I want to do is watch, I won't let him touch me and I'll be fully dressed, and you don't have to kiss him or anything -- just let him suck your cock!"  Asking her to "just" tell you what to do and piss on you is not that big a deal (shucks, for some guys it happens all the time!), but for her, the psychological meaning of it is.  I infer that because she loves you and wants to please you, that this is just too much for her.  And because behavior is a result of method, opportunity, and motive, it sounds like you are focusing on her motives (cooperation).  It might be that she just has no clue of what to do and would feel foolish!

Most often, these one-sided scenarios are negotiated trades.  She'll do something she "... really isn't into ..." that he likes in return for something she especially likes.  Much of oral sex is traded where the person "giving" is not much into it, but the receiver is so appreciative.  Than there are those people who LOVE to give oral sex (especially the women who have orgasms from doing it -- true -- and the guys who get really turned on seeing their honey go wild when they perform the venus butterfly).

So assuming you have the opportunity to be private and sexual, ask if she would watch a videotape of what you have in mind, editorially commenting on what excites you.  Then ask if there is anything you "can do" for her that would compensate for what you want.  And if she still thinks it is perverted, disgusting, and would "make her dirty" to participate, you need to respect her feelings (and read stories about domination and water sports while you masturbate).

She's his first and only, and he wants to know what sex with other women would be like.

10/25/01 Q:  Hello.  Well, here's the deal.  I am 23, my boyfriend is 25.  We have been
together for nearly 3 years.  I have had 2 partners previous to him.  I am
the only woman he has ever been with.  We are very much in love with each
other and think about spending the rest of our lives together.  He was
raised in an extreamly strict Christian home and did not get to do all
things regular teenagers do, and he resents that.  So basically, he wants to
marry me, but he wants to see what it is like to have sex with other another
women first.  So I don't know if I should send him to a brothel, or a
therapist.  He doesn't want this to put our relationship in jepordy, and I
kind of understand where he is coming from.  But I guess I just don't know
what would be the most healthy thing to do for our relationship.  He really
needs to get over the fact that I have 2 previous partners, and I'm not sure
if he will be able to get over it just by having sex with a prostitute.
What would you suggest for a situation like this?

Kind Regards,

A:  Send him to a brothel or a therapist?  I LOVE it!  How much "sampling" is enough?  The sad truth (psychological reality) is that only he will be able to decide when he has "sampled enough," and wants to settle down with you!  I have had numerous patients who got married after each had had several sexual partners, and who only then appreciated their spouse's sexuality (variety and frequency).  And I have had too many patients who adhered to religious mandates, who married while a virgin, and either were miserable wondering if sex with someone else would be a whole lot better, or had an affair and discovered what really good sex was, then had to decide if they were going to try to change their spouse, suffer in silence, or have affairs.

You can't have your cake and eat it, too.  Sex with a prostitute runs a health risk and the psychological risk that if she is REALLY good, will he then be content with you?  And how about YOUR feelings in this matter.  Will you have nagging doubts about her sexual behavior being compared to yours?

One of the predictors of a satisfactory long-term marriage is compatibility intellectually, emotionally, and physically (including sex).  Until each of you has a variety of sexual partners and engages in a variety of activities, you will not know what is important to you on a regular basis with your partner.  Just because you have had two prior lovers does not mean that you have necessarily sampled enough yourself!

What I suggest for a situation like this is that both of you say something like "Neither of us has had enough experience sexually to REALLY know what we want for sex (or intellectual or emotional compatibility) in marriage, but we are willing to give up that knowledge to be with one another.  We do this knowing that as we get more mature, one of us will likely be curious to know what more experience with the other gender would be like." OR, "Because we are both sexually inexperienced, each of us needs to strike out and have several emotional relationships including sex to identify what is important.  If, after each of us has a better idea of what he or she wants, we come back together and decide that we are most compatible with each other, then let us see a marriage counselor for further values clarification in contemplation of marriage.

The point being that you cannot have the pristine innocence of your first love without paying the price of wondering what it might have been if you had had more experience.

Youth is the time to determine what is important to you so you can pair-bond with someone who you have assessed (through experience) is capable of fulfilling enough of your needs that you can forego all others ('til death [or divorce] do you part).

Signs of infidelity
10/25/01 Q:  Can I determine if my husband is having an affair by the presence of semen in his underwear?

A:  That could result from masturbation or just having an erection during the day (leaking so-called "pre-cum").  I suggest that you track the possibility of his having an affair with more direct evidence.

Any dramatic increase or decrease in attentiveness or sexual frequency, as well as initiating new sexual techniques, smelling different (perfume or unusually sweaty -- had sex and didn't take a shower), acting furtive (hiding something or running in and abruptly taking a shower when he hasn't done that for years), as well as the old leaving something tell-tale in his pockets.

I hope this helps


HE has a problem coming and projects it onto her
10/24/01 Q:  My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months...we have sexual relations whenever we see each other (3-4 times per week).  He initially had difficulties gaining an erection, but then after a month or so, no problem.  He can maintain an erection while inside of me as well as when I perform oral sex on him.  The problem that is just tearing us up, is that he seldom ejaculates. We try all different position...he seems to get so close, many times per session...and then his penis becomes limp, which causes an increasing degree of frustration for both of us, as you can only imagine.  With oral sex, I can be stimulating him (usually mouth together with hand) for 30 minutes...up to 3-4 times in one session, he gets to a point of orgasm, but then "loses it", stating things like, "Why did you move (I may have slightly moved my body position...need to after all that time in one position), or, "Why did you change?" (meaning that I may have ! ;changed slightly lip movements, hand always seems to be something that I have done to upset the rhythm for him to finally come.  He claims that it usually just takes him longer...but he has admitted that some women he has been with have been able to complete the job quite successfully.  It has worked for us, but rarely... You can only imagine the frustration and sensitivity around the subject...I'm steadily losing confidence as a good sex partner...I can understand that technique may have something to do with the oral sex issue (I have ordered a video tape to learn more)...however I cannot seem to understand what is happening during intercourse.  I have never had this problem with any other man..currently I am 48 years old.  Also, our relationship is exclusive, and we have committed ourselves emotionally to each other..  Everything is in place....but this...
Please help..Thanks

PS There is no problem with my having orgasms...every time...

A:  HE has a problem with performance, and is projecting it onto you with "why did you move" etc.    PLEASE do not lose confidence as a sex partner because he is telling you that it is your fault in some way!  He needs psychological assessment and the treatment of HIS problem is for the two of you to do homeplay (homework) assignments with weekly assessment and redirection by an experienced sex therapist.

He masturbates every day and I feel bad
10/23/01 Q:  Thank you for taking the time to read my problem.  I hope you can help me understand or shed some light on the situation.

I am a 25 year old Woman and I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.  He is 32 years old.  We have just recently moved in together.

We have a wonderful sex life, very satisfying.  We always have a good time.  We have sex anywhere from 3 to 5 times a week.  Our relationship seems to be everything I have ever wanted.  We have plans to get ingaged.

The problem:  He materbates EVERYDAY!!!!  Now wait.  I know that it is perfectally normal to materbate.  I even do it myself on occasion.  My problem is he does this all the time!  Physically I cannnot have sex every single day, but if I miss a day he waits until I fall asleep then puts in a porno or finds something on tv and go's at it.  I always end up waking up and seeing him.  Normally this would be a turn on, but the fact that this happens on a daily basis, it's no longer anything but annoying and discusting.  He waits for me to fall asleep and this makes me mad.  It's like he's hiding it from me. We have talked about this many of times and I have told him that if he must do it, do it in front of me.  He has a couple of times since,  but most of the time still waits for me to be asleep. When I do wake up in the night and see him, I don't want to embarress him so I lye there pretending i'm sleeping still waiting for him to finish.  I can't stand it.  Then I lye there angry and uncomfortable. If I move or do something and he thinks I am awake he turns the channel on the tv and stops, pretending he was just watching tv. and continues when he thinks i'm back to sleep.  I know that some people feel ashamed and so they hide to do it, but we are a couple and we have talked about this.  If he's that ashamed then he should not be doing it.  The thing is i think he just really likes it and likes hiding it or something.  I feel that he enjoys his own hand better then me.  He does not touch me and never includes me when he is doing this.  I feel almost like he is cheating on me.  I know it sounds sort of imachure, but I can't help but feel sick.  Like I have been betrayed. I don't trust him getting out of bed in the night, cause I am thinking he's just going to go masterbate in another room.  It has almost come between us, cause it is just driving me crazy.  I love him so much and I have tried to tell him that it makes me feel horrible and I don't like it when he is doing this so often.  His reply was he will try to cut down on it.  He hasn't and I don't think that is the answer.  I am NOT exshgerating when I say everyday!  He can not go a day with out cumming one way or another.  This past week I have been sick.  We have not had sex at all, but he has had an orgasm everynight!!!  I feel like I am not even needed anymore in this section of our relationship.  I even told him that and he just said he was sorry.  That he loves me and loves having sex with me.  Well sorry doesn't cut it.  He owns about 80 pornos and I find that intimadating.  Does he have some kind of addiction?  Why must he do this EVERYDAY??  One time he even did it before he came to bed.  When he got to bed, I was feeling frisky.  He said he hadn't showered so he didn't want to have sex.  Just for me to discover he had already got off.  How is that supposed to make me feel?  The latest inncodent was with me being sick.  I asked me to have sex with me and he said he would wait for me to feel better and said I should sleep on the coach to get a sold nights sleep.  Then he went to bed and materbated!  So he actually turned me down to go masterbate.  His story was he was just trying to give me a break cause I was so sick.  But please.....what man turns down sex, when the woman is asking??  This is something that is now always on my mind and I try to forget about it and just love him for him, but there is always part of me that is just so angry towards him.  I feel like he needs help.  He even go's downstairs after he is done masterbating to have a ciggerette.  Does it really feel that good? He has to have a ciggerette.  I know it can feel good, but masterbating just doesn't feel as good as being with a partner.  Does it?
Please help me understand this, or let me know if he has a addiction problem.  Maybe he needs help?  I am just going insain about this whole thing and he is just way to special of a man to loose him over this.  What do I do and how do I deal with my feelings about this?

thank you  S

A:  Dear S,

This is one of those complicated things that e-mail cannot come close to dealing with effectively!  While there are sexual issues there are also complicating relationship matters and only through face to face dissection and probing of the various threads of what comes up can further exploration yield any suggestions.  The two of you would benefit from seeing an experienced relationship therapist who is comfortable with sexual matters (most are not).  Until then, I regret that I cannot make suggestions meaningful to your circumstance.

Now able to have intercourse but she doesn't feel pleasure
10/23/01 Q:  Dear Dr Fitzgerald,

I am extremely remiss in not writing back to you sooner.  Following your advice about our intercourse problem (pain on penetration to the point of impossiblity), I would like to thank you very much!  We are now at the stage when I can have penetrative sex with my girlfriend, although it still takes time and very much denpends on what sort of mood she is in - but that's fair enough I guess.  But things were not quite as we expected in that she doesn't appear to be able to feel my penis in her vagina - let alone get any pleasure out of it.  She reports that although it doesn't hurt her, it doesn't feel good either - ie totally neutral.  I have read your notes on female orgasm and realise that not all women can achieve orgasm through intercourse but we were kind of expecting her to feel something.  Any thoughts?

Thank you much belatedly,


A:  And so now I hypothesize that she may have 1) a neurological interference;  2) a hormone imbalance or deficiency;  3) childhood trauma of some kind;  or 4) early childhood/adolescence messages regarding "nice girls don'e [enjoy sex] and those who do are sluts."  Low sex drive is possible but is usually associated with frequency (how often) not response (pleasure in the moment).  Face to face sex therapy is now called for.


Pregnant from masturbating an hour after semen on hands?
10/24/01 Q:  Hi! I'm a seventeen year old girl from Russia. My problem is this. I was making out with a guy and it came to the point where we had oral sex (I did it to him). He came into my mouth and I swallowed it. I don't remember if his sperm got on my hands, but when I came home after an hour I started musturbating. I heard that when the sperm touches the air - it's dead, is that true? So, my question is: Could I get pregnant (if I had sperm on my hands, after i've been out where the air could touch my hands) from musturbating?
Thank you for your time.

A:  Dear Katya,

Hello from America!

Sperm do not die instantly from contact with air but they do need moisture for a reasonable period of time.

Women HAVE become pregnant from putting their semen-coated fingers in their vagina, but an hour later -- I doubt you have any risk!

48 year old woman suddenly very horny.  Should she have sex with men other than her husband?
10/19/01 Q:
                  I am a 48 yr. old woman. About 2 years ago I started the beginning of menopause. (no hot flashes
                  yet just the night sweats) For about the past 2 months I feel extremely horny all the time and am
                  wet most of the times. My husband has a much lower sex drive than I do and this is too much for
                  him not to mention that we haven't had the greatest sex life to begin with but are having very hot
                  sex now. Anyways, I have been monogamos for 27 years and want to experience sex with other
                  men especially since my husband is very insensitive to me needs. I feel like its now or never and
                  hope that I can satisfy my sexual urges? Does this have anything to do with menopause? I don't
                  even remember feeling this horny as a teenager. Should I just enjoy it untl it goes away? I would
                  appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks.

A:  Yes, it does have to do with menopause.  The hormonal changes are increasing your androgen levels and inspiring your sexual interest.

Concerning what to do about it, you have to decide how you want to handle your marital commitment.  I suggest considering two factors.  1) If the reverse were true -- your husband was suddenly very horny and you really didn't want to be sexual with him as often as he would like,  would you "understand" if he then had sex with other women?  and 2)  Your hormonal state will be with you for awhile whether you have orgasms or not.  It feels subjectively like if you scratch the itch it will be satisfied, but you need to know that the sense of relief from orgasm will be fleeting, possibly then frustrating you because what you did didn't achieve the objective of reducing the urgency.  I suggest that you first (if you don't already have them) get a vibrator and a dildo and bring yourself to orgasm to assess how soon after that you feel the need to do it again.

Sex with someone not your husband also runs the risk of introducing a sexually transmitted infection into the marital system.  Genital herpes can be embarrassing but HIV can kill you (or your husband).  You have to weigh the factors and make the decision and reap the rewards or detriments of the results.

For every 40 of these I receive, I publish one on the web page.  Here is another (very common):
10/17/01   Q:  Dr. Fritz,

 I am writing you about premature ejaculation. I am 25 and have slept with 3 people one of which I dated for 5 years. We were very sexually compatible and I loved having sex with him. I am now in a new relationship with a wonderful loving man, but we have been having problems sexually. First of all, he prematurely ejaculates every time. I may just touch his penis for 5 seconds and he already is done. We have tried intercourse unsuccessfully. The first time he could not keep his erection and the second time he ejaculated as soon as penetration was achieved. I know this is a source of embarrassment for him and he says he has never looked for professional help. He is 30 yrs old and has only had one other real relationship and they broke up because of his sexual dysfunction. I am very frustrated with the situation. I am trying to be patient but I really enjoy sex and feel I can not go on much longer like this. To make matters even worse, my ex was very well endowed and this new guy is a lot smaller. I find this to also be a somewhat of a problem. I feel guilty for feeling these things and he truly is a great guy and I want to make things better between us when we get physical. Could you please tell me how to deal with premature ejaculation. Is it a physical problem or is it psychological? Is there a way to make him stop ejaculating so early? I also want to know if there is a probability of this being a lifelong problem?

A:  Questions about premature ejaculation are SO COMMON that I have a link to the self-help protocols on my home page (but apparently some people don't find that).  If the self-help exercises don't solve the problem, some men find help from low doses of Prozac.

AND:  "Fritz" is a German first name and the name of a cartoon cat.  I am neither.

Dr. Fitzgerald aka sexdoc

She has had three-ways but doesn't want to have one with him!
10/15/01 Q:  Hi there.

First of all, let me say that your writing is very much appreciated. Even
when I don't have a problem, I surf through your column and inevitably learn
something, which is a great feeling. It's a good service you do.

My question pertains to threesomes.  I know, from reading what you've writ,
that you're not exactly thrilled with the topic, but let me tell you my

I'm a male, just turned 40. I've never had a threesome, but come close a few
times, always with two women who were friends, and just wanted to 'make out'. In any case, I'm seeing
this great girl, been seeing her for about a year and a half.

She's 31, and quite beautiful. She's experiemented with the Lesbian
lifestyle in her 20's, saying it was the result of an abusive relationship
as well as many bad experiences with men. In my mind, she was promiscuous
and free (at least in relation to me, and the women I've seen in the past)
and as a result is a fantastic lover.

In any case, during this time- 4 or 5 years ago- she had two or three three
somes, involving another woman and a man. I believe they were different
partners each time. And when she told me of them, she said they were great!
She had a great time, giggling and fun, and said it was obviously the MOST
fun for the guy.

Well, this is something that I want to try. But, big surprise, she's not
willing to do it with me. She says that kind of fun is only for when you're
not involved with anyone-  and yet she still hangs out with her 'bi'
girlfriends and when they talk about 'playing both sides', they all grin and
giggle like they had a great time, and it's some secret club that we can
hear about but not dare to join.

Needless to say, I feel a bit left out. I don't want to force her to do
something she doesn't want to do with me, but I still don't understand why
it's off limits with your main partner. I think that in a loving supportive
relationship, it would be even better. Or at least worth a try. She's never
done it while in a relationship, and has made up her mind it's "bad" without
giving it a shot.

A bit more background about me- since turning 40, I'm of two minds- either
really experience all that I can (i.e. threesomes) or get married and have
babies. Both are new territories for me- but the nice easy loving
relationship that I have now, I've had in the past, and it just doesn't seem
to be moving FORWARD for me- like creating a family or broadening my sexual
experience would. She's not thrilled about either of those options- she's
afraid of having babies, and gets angry that I want to have an experience
that she's already had!

She's said she'll do it with me, but with reluctance - and I can tell she's
not into it. I don't want to force her to do something with me that she's
opposed to- even as I can't understand why she'd share that experience with
people who she WASNT particularly close to and not be willing to try it with

Anyway,  any words of advice would be appreciated. Are there books out there
that deal with this sort of dynamic?  I'm just a little lost... I feel like
I may have to leave her to find some things out about life that I'm curious
about, but that would be very painful- but it's painful that I can't have
what I want within the relationship either.   I'm stuck. And she senses my
discontent, and we don't seem to see a way out.


Thanks in advance,

A:  As I have said before, never have a three-way unless you are prepared to terminate your "relationship" with the other two.  Do it only with "throw-aways" -- people you are prepared to have never want to see you again.  This will sound bizarre to most readers, but the emotional conflicts and other material that three-ways bring up is INTENSE!  Feelings of intense wanting to repeat it and feelings of intense humiliation come up.  "...His penis was larger than mine; he lasted longer; he made her moan louder than when I was fucking her; ... Her tits were bigger than mine; her ass smaller; her "box" tighter; he looked more animated than when he was in me ..." and on and on.

So having a three-way with someone you care about raises anxieties about separation, abandonment, deficiencies, rejection, and acceptance.  "Having a 3-way" with strangers is fun and frivolous and what the hey, if it doesn't work out, it's as much their fault as yours!  That she so seriously wants NOT to have a three-way with you is a signal that she cares a lot about you.  If she said "Oh, sure, no problem; I'll have my girlfriend Sally stop by next Saturday" that would mean that she doesn't care about you!

Because you (at least she) have/has had an "open relationship," I suggest that you try a three-way without her knowledge (safe sex only, of course) and draw your own conclusions.  Some people use a three-way to enjoy homosexual gratification without having to acknowledge their homosexuality (calling yourself "bi [bisexual]" at least insulates you from the accusations that you are an outcast), and others just want maximum gratification and get an added turbocharged thrill from the adrenaline of doing something "naughty."

To "demand" that she include you with another woman is coercive.  If she is uncomfortable with "sharing you" and you want the experience, go get it without hurting her physically (safe sex) or psychologically (discreetly).

Please let me know what happens.


11/5/01  SHE writes:

Hi DR,

I just finished reading a question my boyfriend sent to you on 10/15/01 plus
your response. I've copied them both to the end of this e-mail.
" She's had threesomes but she won't with him."

First of all we don't have an open relationship, we are faithful to each

I've had threesomes 4 or 5 years ago that's true but I'm in agreement with
you in  regard to keeping such things between practical strangers.

You're right I don't want share him and feelings are involved.
He claims it's something I've done so he wants to do it but to me I've never
done what he wants, a threesome with someone I have a wealth of feeling for.

I offered as a last resort to do it if he in turn would have a threesome with
me and another man (he wouldn't have to interact with the man whatsoever)
just so he could understand the difference when feelings are involved and so that we'd
be on the same page and less likely to hold resentments.

But that didn't help, I think he wants to "catch up" or something.
I never bring my experiences up, I DON'T laugh with friends about them like
he claimed.I don't know what to do, we've been talking in circles about this since the
start of our relationship, I'm worn down.

I hate to break up over something that to me at least isn't so important
but I don't think I have a choice, it's making me so unhappy.

I think he may be finding ways to ruin the relationship because he's scared
and it's getting to "shit or get off the pot" time if you follow. Or in his case "threesomes" or "babies."

But at this stage even if he does want to stick around and have babies and
NOT threesomes, how can I feel comfortable and secure knowing it was such a
close call.  As I said to him ......"threesome versus relationship with me......It's hard
to want a relationship with a man for whom that's A CLOSE CALL, or an even

I care so much for him but I don't know what to do.

Please let me know your thoughts.


A:  This is an excellent "forest for the trees" problem.  Please take a deep breath and stand back and try to see this from a different perspective.  What is "really" happening (in my opinion) is that each of you is trying to get your relationship, emotional, and other needs met, but in a finite world.  No one can have sex with dozens of partners AND a deeply committed monogamous long-term relationship history.  Neither of you can now have a three-way without endangering your current relationship.  Who is to say that the grass isn't greener with the second, third, ... tenth three-way?

Your point is well taken:  If he chooses babies (with you) over a three-way, will he always wonder what it would have been like ... and want, at some point, to find out for himself?

It really is less important that you engaged in three-ways 4 or 5 years ago than that he is dealing with commitment issues.  While this is, to a certain extent, "sexy" to read and to comment on, you two really need to see an experienced relationship therapist to help you sort out your values and to better prioritize what is important.  He characterizes you as a fantastic lover, and reality dictates that if you insist on a monogamous relationship, he will have to forego all others, including a three-way with you involved, if those are your terms.

He's jealous that you had experiences he has not, and it sounds like he wants to sample more forbidden fruit before settling down.  From my perspective it is unimportant what prior experiences you had.  What is important is whether he would be willing to forego sex with others in return for sex exclusively with you (and vice-versa!).

Her history teacher is pressuring her to have sex with him in the school gym locker room showers
10/12/01  Q:
                My boyfriend and I have just begun experimenting with new places to have sex and new sexual
                 positions and activities. We have tried bondage, which is my personal favorite, and role playing,
                 which is his. He has recently come up with a new idea. He is a history teacher at my school (I'm
                 seventeen) and he wants to make love at school. We've done this before, but we got so loud that
                 we were afraid to do it again due to fear of discovery. Now, since we have the same lunch period,
                 he wants us to skip lunch and go for a quickie in the gym bathroom. But, he wants us to get totally
                 naked and do it in the showers. While this all sounds very exciting, I am afraid to do it. I dont like
                 the idea of ppssibly being discovered, because he could loose his job, but he says he's okay with
                 that. He has a wife and a child at home, but claims he'll leave them for me once I turn eighteen. I
                 grew up with a verbally and physcially abusive father, so I havent ever trusted men. But I trust my
                 boyfriend. He's the only man Ive ever trusted. And I want to make him happy, but I dont want to run
                 the risk of getting caught. When I told him that, he got all puffy. He said I should do it for him, but
                 ten minutes later, he was over his puffiness and we were making love again. We've been together
                 since I had him as a teacher as a high school freshman, but we've just now got into the
                 unconventional stuff. I suggested we try the making love in a public place, that wasnt the school,
                 instead. He still is pressing me to have sex in the gym showers. I'm afraid this is going to break us
                 up. What advice would you have? Thanks for your help!

A:  First and foremost, depending on where you live, he could most assuredly not only lose his job and his teaching credential for the rest of his life, but if 18 is the age of consent, he could be prosecuted criminally for statutory rape and do prison time.  Teachers are held to a higher standard of conduct and where I live, he would go to prison.

If he truly loves you, he will not coerce you to do something you really don't want to do.  He is being extremely reckless in proposing to be sexual with you on school grounds, which inspires me to question the maturity, sincerity, and wisdom of ALL of his decisions.  When I read "he gets all puffy" and "ten minutes later he was over his puffiness" I think of immature emotional manipulation.  If he can leave his wife and child when you turn 18, might he in a few years meet another freshman female, have sex with her, and when she is 18 also then leave you for her?

I suggest that you NOT be afraid that "this is going to break us up."  I overwhelmingly urge you to bail out of this relationship as soon as possible and be extremely thankful that no catastrophe has happened yet!  You are playing with matches while sitting on a keg of gunpowder!

10/13  There is an unusually sophisticted ( read "precocious") 15 year old young woman with whom I sometimes correspond whose opinion I periodically solicit.  Her reaction to the above:
Well, the 17yo with teacher question...  I really don;t have a reaction to it. I would have loved to have had a relationship with my teacher but I would have thought of all the same things u told her. I would have thought if he could leave his kids he could very easily leave me. But I also think, maybe he does love her. Maybe the 17yo is his real love and his marriage was doomed like many others. You tell her to get out of that relationship right away but neither one of us really truly knows that relationship. Maybe she was angry when she wrote that letter and made him seem more immature than he actually is. If i were in that situation I would tell him straight out that I didn't want to fuck him on school grounds. If he sulked and complained for a little then got over it I would stay with him. If he got very angry I would leave on the grounds of him not respecting my wishes. I don't remember her saying he got mad, she just said 'puffy'

Hand jobs and blow jobs because he is not ready for sex yet, but he stays hard after hands, and doesn't have an orgasm from oral sex.  Doing something wrong?
10/11/01 Q:  hello doctor,

I am a 20 year old female, and my boyfriend and I have
been together for a few months now. I have had several
sexual partners in my past, yet he has had none... he
is waiting for the "right time". So until that "time"
arrives, we fooling around... and when we do, he gets
a boner. So in an effort to satisfy him, I have do two
things (since he is not ready for sex):

The first is, I give him blow-jobs, and I do it for
quite a while, like maybe 10 minutes (longer than I
have to any other guy), but he still does not cum.
With the other men I have been with, they were
circumsized, and when I sucked on their penis, they
were able to cum in a matter of minutes. But my
boyfriend does not cum when I suck on him. Could it
have to do with the fact that he is uncircumsized, and
I am doing it wrong on him? Does the manner in which
you suck depend on whether you are circumsized?

The second is, I give him hand-jobs, and he is able to
cum, but afterwards, his penis is still hard. He told
me that when he masturbates, his penis becomes limp a
few minutes after he cums. But when he is with me, his
penis stays erect after I give him a hand-job and he
cums... is that normal? After you cum, aren't you
suppose to become limp? Does this mean I am not
satisfying him completely, and he remains hard because
I have not fully released him?

Please reply.


A:  Dear A,

 If you don't already, use one or two hands on the shaft while you take the tip in your mouth.  His penis might simply need more stimulation

I suspect that his penis stays hard after he comes with you because your presence alone is a major stimulant!  You're not foing anything wrong.  I think that is just confirmation that he finds you sexually exciting!

There is a slight difference in technique with an uncircumcised penis.  First require that the tissue inside the foreskin (inside of foreskin and the tip of the penis) be clean.  The tip of the penis of an uncircumcised guy is more sensitive that the tip of a circumcised guy, and depending on how tight or loose his foreskin, getting the tip of your tongue under it to make circles around the penis can drive some guys absolutely wild.  But if there is ANY bad odor or taste, DO NOT proceed until you or he washes that area!

By the way, as far as I'm concerned he is ready for sex -- just not penile-vaginal intercourse.  In my book, blow jobs and hand jobs are sex!

MUST READ FOR EVERYONE:  Considering divorce because he was masturbating in the shower
10/11/01 Q:  Hi my name is L. I have been married almost 8 years. We have 2 young girls and I am also expecting.
Two days ago I caught my husband "pleasing himself" in the shower. It made me so angry, we are married and
that should be between us. He has since then been very nasty too. We are not getting along and we are considering divorce. When I look at him all I can see is when I saw him in the shower. He is a macho guy,(corrections officer) and now I see him as a little boy. Is there anything we can do to save what we had? Thanks L

A:  Everyone needs to read this!  YES!  What you can do to "save what you had" is a dramatic re-thinking about his sexuality!  Our culture is so grossly influenced by Judeo-Christian and Puritanical thinking that egads, a little bit of pleasure is a cause of serious marital disruption?  IF he is engaging in sexual behavior with you as often as YOU like, thank him for taking care of his additional sexual needs by practising safe sex, by not breaching his marital vow of monogamy, and by being sexual with someone he likes (himself)!  You can add thanks for not "demanding" sex from you more than you want it (and expecting again you might not feel very sexy or be interested in the physical discomfort and effort that pregnancy complicates sex activity with).

Masturbation in marriage is still a great taboo, but L, I gotta' tell you that 99% of men do it (and the remaining 1% are liars!).   Sometimes guys just like to "get off" without having to think about pleasing a partner and making sure she has an orgasm before they do.  So PLEASE do not belittle him either in your thoughts or to him by the "little boy" idea.   Alternatively, you could approach him and offer to engage in alternate sexual activity (him rubbing his penis between your thighs or you giving him a hand job or oral sex) if your participation is so important to you.

For the two of you to be considering divorce I am sure that there has been a LOT of damage already.  You two need relationship therapy NOW!

And I must add that this smacks of the masturbation being the whipping boy for what I suspect is a LOT of other pent up anger, frustration, and hurt.  Sort of a combination of the straw that broke the camel's back and a concrete event that gives you grounds to attack and belittle him.

If you appreciate this advice, please confirm back in an e-mail reply!


Wife thinks his smelling panties is weird
10/8/01 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
  I am writing to you in regards to a problem that has been reaccuring in my present relationship with my wife,and I will start from the beginning to help you better understand our delemna.At the age of 16,I had my first of many sexual encounters with women and this "problem" according to my wife,is when it started.I had,and still have a strong sex drive,and I am presently 41.In my first sexual experience,I performed oral sex on my girlfriend and found the natural taste and scent of a women hightened my sexual arousal,it was a real turn on for me as well as her.When my girlfriend and I could not be together,I would ask her if I could borrow a pair of her worn panties in which I would masterbate to in order to tide me over until we could be alone again.Since that time I have had a few more girlfriends in which I have asked them for a pair of their panties and have not ever had a girlfriend refuse.
  My problem is that my wife thinks it is a wierd habit of mine and she does not want an explanation for this behavior.I have tried to explain to her that since her and I rarely have sex together since I work nights and she works days,it helps me curb my sexual appetite until we can engage sexually.I associate this to being a natural type animal attraction in eg. "pheromones".I have even suggested going to a therapist to see for herself if this is in fact normal,but she refuses to go.
  I would like to know in your professional oppinion,if this is in fact normal or as my wife would say,wierd behavior,and if there are any books on the subject in which to research this quiery?.I love my wife,but this is tearing us apart since she has not wanted sex for the past ten months,and refuses to donate a pair of her panties for me,I am currently looking at other women and caught between being faithful,or cheating just to quench my desires.
  Thank you Dr. for your time,and to reply to my question,you can send it to my private e-mail address at  blah blah ,this way my wife will not be able to erase your answer.

A: Dear G,  The correct label for this is not "weird," but "fetishistic."  A fetish is the association of something not inherently sexually stimulating (the penis, clitoris, anus, nipples, etc., have nerve endings that are inherently stimulating to the brain) with sexual excitement.  Anything can be involved in a fetish from rubber, stockings, all kinds of body parts, to body activities such as enemas (which are sort of in the grey area because the anus is an erogenous zone) and spanking, to "play acting" scenarios such as pseudonecrophilia (having your partner pretend to be dead), cop and criminal, and other roles that either must be in place for the fetishist to be excited or which seriously enhance the sexual pleasure of the fetishist.

Rather than my e-mail being used as evidence to "certify" whether this is "normal" or "weird," I urge you two to see an experienced sex therapist who can deal with this relationship impasse!


Woman wants to use a vibrator.  Husband sounds threatened
10/4/01  I have never been able to have orgasim without using a vibrator on my clit. I cant seem to achieve orgasim using my fingers. My husband finds the vibrator very annoying and has trouble accepting the fact that I cant orgasim without the vibrator. Actualy I have never came with him because of this. We usually have sex and then he leaves me to take care of my self. I plan on showing him your response so if you could comment on any of this it would be appreciated. We have been married 3 years, Im 42 and he is 47, we are currently seperated but attending counseling. I have been told that affection plays a very important role in sexuality by my counselor, and I have asked my husband why he isnt affectionate to me. Im talking about simple touching or embraceing thru the day. I am usually the one who initiates love making and ask him why he doesnt do that for me and the response I get is along the lines of " if you cared as much about me as you did your vibrator maybe I would"  I do not abuse the vibrator but surley its understandable that when your sexually aroused there needs to be some relief along those lines. He says a vibrator is not natural and I should not need it that Im the only female he has ever encountered with this problem. A couple times we tryed using the vibrator he had problems keeping his erection, so it causes him problems. I never had an orgasim untill around the age of 25 or 30 when I discovered what my clit could do for me.He made mention that I have a small clit. Does size in clit make a difference? Also while talking with a friend she mentioned that there is a surgery that will cut back some of the skin covering the clit if it is covered too much keeping the clit from needed stimulation. Is this true? If so who would I see to look into it. Thank You, R.

A:  What you describe is quite common (see Q/A below).  It is unfortunate that he seems to be threatened by your use of the vibrator.  Some men take that as a sign that they are incompetent lovers, rather than that your body just needs more stimulation than a penis pulling on your labia can provide.  Because your brain is your biggest (most influential) sex organ, I am not surprised that the lack of the attention you want plays a role in your sexual response.  Yes, when you are sexually aroused it is healthy to culminate that in the relief of orgasm.  If you don't, you run the risk of developing extra fat pockets in your pelvic region (for both genders).  Yes, a vibrator is not natural but neither is an automobile or a telephone but we all seem to accept those "unnatural" things as great tools!  That you are the only female he has encountered with this "problem" (I'd call it your unique sexuality) tells me only that he is relatively sexually inexperienced.  This is so common that he has either been sexual with few women or just coincidentally all the women he has been with were more sexually responsive (or sensed his sexual insecurity and faked orgasm).  Keeping his erection while you are using the vibrator also adds to my inference that he is sexually insecure.  Some men are delighted and relieved when their lover uses a vibrator because they feel like it takes the burden off them to "have to" use their erect penis like a dildo, "holding off" from experiencing an orgasm until their partner "finally!" achieves one so they can relax and come!  Some guys THANK their lover for using the vibrator!

That you did not have an orgasm until 25 or 30 triggers my thought that you might be one of those women on the low end of the sexual response curve, and that just means that you need more stimulation!  Clitoral size is not important.  Neurological responsiveness is the key factor.  The clitoris is covered by a hood, and I have never heard of any reputable doctor performing a resection of the hood.  Because of the homology of the clitoral hood and penile foreskin, I would expect that a clitoral resection would soon result in clitoral desensitivity (because the head of a circumcised penis is neurologically less sensitive than the head of the uncircumcised penis).

And so, R, and this is also a message to your husband, I encourage you two to accept your unique sexuality and to take the challenge of bringing you to orgasm as a playful event acknowledging that you need more stimulation and proceeding as research scientists to experiment with what your body needs to attain this goal.  I encourage you to keep an open mind about this.  Some women find that anal intercourse with or without a vibrator on their clitoris results in orgasm.  Some respond to the combination of vaginal intercourse "doggy style" with an occasional sharp slap on the buttocks.  It is a summation of neurological signals going to the brain that triggers orgasm.  You need to experiment to find what works for you.

I have taken the time to address what I believe to be all of the points in your email both because I sympathize with your circumstance and because it is so common that this Q/A will apply to many readers.


Woman does not experience orgasm during intercourse
9/28/01 Q: Dear Doc,
I am a happily married 28 year old female, who is growing more frustrated
with sex as the days pass.
I am one of those percentages that " cant " achieve orgasim through
penetration alone. Now, I know that the usual answer would be to masterbate,
but I am fed up with that as well. Now I love the end result, but I have
masterbated while having sex with hubby for 6 years, and now I feel like it
" gets in the way " with the closeness that I want to feel. O.kay mabe I
want the cake and eat it too, but I really want to be able to achieve
without the help of, well, myself. And to be honest, even oral achievement
would be great~ My hubby is very understanding, and we have had those
warming talks about what we both enjoy, and how things are feeling, but it
always ends the taking care of business. I do know that once he
mentioned that my clitoris was placed rather high on my vagina, and because
of this me on top does not work. ( It doenst even come near to being rubbed
in that position ) And yes, he has tried to touch me in the way that I touch
myself, and no luck there either. Do you have any suggestions we could do to
help things out a bit?

A:  The answer is for you or him to touch your clitoris during intercourse OR for you or he to bring you to orgasm before, and/or after intercourse, or for you to otherwise change your expectations that intercourse "should" result in your orgasm!  It MIGHT help for him to observe you intently while you masturbate to orgasm (with the goal of him duplicating that stimulation), but please keep in mind that you vary your clitoral stimulation based on what you feel and those are experiential data that are simply unavailable to him.  Some women just need added clitoral stimulation whether during intercourse or not.

Continued correspondence with a young woman
9/24/01 Q:
I hope u remember me. S, 15, virgin, precocious...  I hope you are well. That terroist stuff terrified me. I am in school now. Its going okay. My brother is moving in with his boyfriend soon. My best friend Alie just lost her virginity on Friday. I smoked weed for the first time on the same Friday at Alie's house with her and her boyfriend Roman. I knew they were gonna fuck they had told me. I got felt up today for the first time. I didn't French him though, I didn't want to. Its to personal and I just did it cause I was bored. He didn't force me though. Not at all. I actually had to physically put his hand on my breast. lol

        Anyway, talk soon    S

A:  Yes, I do remember you!

Ah, the virginal -- first time -- experiences you have waiting for you!

Today is the first day of classes at a local junior college where I teach Human Sexuality.  I am scheduled to teach two sections (Mon, Tues, Wed, & Thursdays at 11:30-12:20 and 12:30 to 1:20 BUT today at 12:30 the Chairman of the Department  is introducing the courses/students for me because I am giving a talk on "The Etiology, Differential Diagnosis, and Treatment of Female  Sexual Dysfunction" to 65 members of the Department of Adult Psychiatry at a local hospital.

Most North American males have internalized the messages that 1) the woman is the gatekeeper of sex -- she  "gives permission" for how far it will go, and 2) the guy is supposed to be the aggressor -- the initiator of sex.  So be prepared -- expect -- that some guys will "try stuff" and will attempt to interpret your behavior as "approving and try more" versus "this is the limit -- stop here."  My advice:  BE CLEAR IN YOUR MESSAGES regarding what is OK with you and what is not.  For example:  "hand, mouth, lips, tongue, etc., on my breasts under my blouse is OK; anything below the waist is not.  (Or whatever your message is.)

9/24/01 she writes again:
I'm glad you remember. We were together for over an hour. I kept dropping hints but I think he was waiting for me to give him a crystal clear message. Until finally, he was half on top of me and just looking at me. I put his hand on my tit. He looked at me and said "u want me to feel you up?" I just said, "uh huh"  He started on top of my shirt then went under, on top of the bra. He tried to go under my bra, but because of the wire he couldn't. lol So he started to undo it. Then I rolled and I was sitting on top of him. He lifted up my top and I leaned into him and he undid my bra. Now when I think about it, his face was so funny when he saw my bare chest. It was probably his first time seeing breasts, let alone seeing size D ones. lol He just rubbed. He didn't do anything interesting. He went down my stomach and undid my jeans but I told him to save that for later. He didn't do anything with his mouth... I wish he did. Should I have told him I wanted that?

A:  Absolutely YES!  Young men and young women NEED direction from their partner as to both what to do (how "far" to go) and how to do it.  Some women LOVE vigorous nipple touch including light biting, while others are extremely sensitive and anything more than a feather touch is excruciatingly uncomfortable!  Tell him where and how you like/want to be touched!

Some aspects of wife are a turn-off ("I can't make this up" category)
9/20/01 Q:  Dear Sir,

With respect i want to discuss my problem wih u that.when i intercourse
with my wife very smelly  vaginal fluid comes out please tell me its

2- My wifes hands always moistered even in winter.

3- Some times if by chance i inhale the breath of my wife then my stomicth
becomes out of order.

Sir i am very much worried from the above mentaioned situations. please
help me.

A:  These matters need to be presented to her medical doctor and to her dentist.  She might have a vaginal infection, a hormone imbalance, and periodontal infections.  I regret that there is nothing I can help with via e-mail.

Can my husband tell if I am having sex with someone else?
9/19/01 Q:  I'am 23 year old female.  I have been married 5yrs.  In the last year I have
become involved with a much older man.  The sex is great.  On the other hand
the sex is good w/ my husband, but not as long and its missing something I
get from the older man.  My husband has suspected me cheating on and off
since I began the affair.  My question is can he tell I'am having sex with
someone else?  In another words do I feel different to to him when he is
inside of me.  You know, you hear terms like she's worn out, she feels like
a mud hole.  Not to be rude, but does this have any truth?  I thought about
asking my Dr., but frankly I'am embarrassed about the whole situation.
Please reply.  Thanks for your time.

A:  Unless your lover's semen is oozing from your vagina, or you have tissue irritation or your labia are still swollen, there is no physical way your husband can detect that another man's penis has been in your vagina.  The vast majority of the detections of infidelity come from behavioral changes such as a dramatic increase or decrease in the frequency of sexual contact, a change in sexual behavior (giving oral sex where you didn't before, or now fondling your husband's penis to get him hard because you need to do that to your older lover), or acting guilty or hyper-sensitive to adultery matters.

I suggest that you study and analyze what it is that you are getting from your lover and see if you can gradually introduce that into your marital lovemaking.

Where does a 42-year old woman find good sex?
9/19/01 Q:  I'm a 42 year old divorced woman who spent much of her adult life in long-term relationships.  My experience for the most part was that my partners were somewhat selfish clods when it came to sex, and I lacked the confidence and comfort level to ensure my own needs were met.  Now at the age of 42, I finally feel  somewhat comfortable with my sexuality, and for the most part I have let go of those "bad girls don't" thoughts that confused and inhibited me in younger years.  That took some work, by the way.  Anyway, I want to enjoy my sexuality while I can.  I'm capable of achieving orgasms with a man both vaginally and via clitoral stimulation, and I just adore men's bodies.  So what's the problem?  The problem is never getting any.  Like most people (I think!), I would prefer sex within a committed loving relationship; however, that isn't always possible.  So how does a woman go about getting her sexual needs fulfilled?  Where am I to meet men -- and men who are interested in a 42 year old woman?  Most men my age seem to have their choice of 30-ish partners and appear to have no interest in women their own age (just an anecdotal observation, perhaps statistically incorrect?)

In the past two years, I have had a handful of sexual experiences, but the norm has been to go as long as nine months without sex.  Can you give me some hints on how to meet a potential sex partner?   I recently met a man through an internet dating service, and we had several long telephone conversations.  We then met in person, and I felt that it probably couldn't be a serious relationship, but that a casual thing might be nice.  For the very first time in my life, I basically propositioned him with a casual sexual relationship.  He turned me down, so I guess he didn't find me desirable.  It was sort of humiliating, because I consider myself to be reasonably attractive and sexy.  What am I doing wrong?  How can an over-40 gal just get some good old-fashioned sex?  I not real comfortable with flirting so perhaps men don't think I'm approachable.   I don't like meeting men in bars for several reasons, one of them being that drunk men can't perform.  Any pointers?  I can't bear the thought of going another nine months without sex.

A:  This is more of a "relationship" question than a "sex" question, but it is very real and it clearly exemplifies the intimate connection between relationship matters and sex aspects.

I concur:  do NOT expect to meet a partner in bars!  Many of my patients have used dating services and the many such services now on the internet use data base matching software technology to screen on identified parameters.  I suggest and although you are cautioned:  "Be careful what you ask for because you might get it," meaning in this case that you might find a man who is interested only in sex and if you develop a romantic tie, he can validly come back with "This is not what I signed up for; you wanted good sex, and now you want a relationship."

Yes, there are men in their 40's who go after women in their 30's but that does not mean that there are not men in their late 40's or early 50's who have plenty of tread left on their tires.  And many of them feel like an "old fool" with a woman in her 30's but appreciate your age and maturity.  It takes your initiative and your putting it out there that you want good sex and if the guy is intimidated, thank him for letting you know about this incompatibility this early.  Keep persisting only if you wish to find a guy who also wants good sex!  There are plenty of guys in your target population who do!

9/24 01 She writes again:   Thank you for your sensible response.  The service you provide to people is
most generous.

I'll keep trying, but I will say that I have tried some of the older late
40's, early 50's gentlemen.  Without exception, they were unable to attain
or maintain erections.  Seems to me they might need to see a doctor, but I
don't think it's my place to tell them that.  I even met one guy who
urinated inside me, and I was a bit surprised -- not to mention horrified --
by that.  I wondered if it was because he would hold his urine to try to
maintain his erection?  Could it be?  I was too uncomfortable to ask him
about it, but I did give him a second shot, and he did it the next time too.
And I'm not talking about a small amount here.  There was no question about
it, it was all over the bed.  What do you think of that?

A:  Thank heavens (and to the relief of many women) urinating while erect is extremely rare!  I applaud your generosity in giving him a second chance!  I hope you are sampling a minority of men of that age because I see few men in those age ranges with erection problems!  I encourage you to continue your pursuit because MANY men in their late 40's and early 50's email to ask if there are "randy" women out there who can keep up with them!

Multiple questions.  Interspersed comments.  This is the last planned Q/A until September 13+
8/28/01 Q:  Hi Dr. Fitzgerald,
You've helped me so much before that I'm coming to you again (pardon the
horrid pun).  Come again?  (pun intended) After a fairly regular sexual relationship with my
ex-boyfriend, which consisted of sex 3-5 x per week, doggie style,
missionary, me on top, etc, I'm finding myself in a whole new world of
sexuality.  I could rarely orgasm when I was with my ex-boyfriend because he
did not mentally turn me on by being intelligent, which to me as a woman is
very important.  All the foreplay in the world can't make up for a deep
conversation where you share souls with someone.  One more illustration of the fact that your brain is your biggest sex organ.

At any rate, I thought
that because I was going through a bout of yeast infections and was
depressed/tired, that could affect my ability to orgasm (I know that is
true, I have had better luck now that I am healthy).  Yes, what is good for overall health (diet, exercise, absence of drugs) is good for sex and when overall health is compromised, sexual response often suffers.  Also, I used to (and
still do) masturbate by holding myself up against a countertop and pressing
my whole body's weight onto my clitoris, which always makes me come,
although not fantastically.  So I have kind of masturbated myself into a
rut- in order for me to come, no matter how intense the sexual pleasure
elsewhere, that pressure must be there.  Anyway, I just thought that might
interest you.  I am as much alarmed as "interested."  If you literally put your entire body weight on your clitoris you can cause nerve damage -- which will feel like your clitoris is responding less, which will encourage you to use more pressure to get the same effect, which can hasten nerve damage!  I strongly urge you to find alternative ways of providing a summation of neurological input to your brain to trigger orgasm!  Think of it as the literal sum of nerve impulses inspired by different body parts and traveling to your brain.  Add up the nerve signals from different body parts and with enough time (seriously different from person to person), orgasm occurs.  This is why some women pinch their nipples as the get close to orgasm, while others enjoy one or more sharp slaps on the butt during vaginal intercourse doggie style, and others like anal intercourse where they angle their pelvis to aim the tip of the penis to nudge their g-spot through the rectal and vaginal walls.  More than one man has discovered that if his woman cries out that she is close, so close, that snaking a hand around the world, getting as much vaginal lubrication on a middle finger as possible, then stimulating her anus and even inserting the finger rectally, is rewarded by her then-explosive orgasm (added stimulation).  If your countertop pressing technique results in any sense of reduced sensation I encourage you to search for a less dangerous technique.

My question is:  My new beau is a sensitive, wonderful guy,
and can make me come like I never have before from manual stimulation- it's
wonderful!  But he shared with me that he always fantacizes about rape or
domination scenarios when he masturbates and it is pretty much the only way
he can get off.  As he is 27 and did not have an active sex life until
recently, I think he's masturbated himself into a rut as well.  But it does
bother me to think that the idea of raping a woman gets him off and is
totally erotic to him.  As a vulnerable woman in this world, rape is
something horrible and scary to me, or at least I think it should be, and
for me to imagine that he's thinking about raping me or dominating me, tying
me up so I can't control anything, is disturbing.  What can I do to get over
this mental block I have?  I am very excited about this new relationship and
feel like I could be with him forever if I could just get over my own silly
hang-up about this rape thing.  First, I will go on record stating that I think your apprehension regarding rape is neither a mental block nor a "silly hang-up."  True rape is usually very damaging and self-protection and awareness of putting oneself in potential rape settings is valuable.  As generalizations, for men, a rape fantasy means "I can do what I want and she cannot stop me."  It is a rebellion against perceived "gatekeeping."  For women, the single most common theme in women's "romance novels" is the gentle rape because it serves to absolve them of responsibility.  If you internalized "Nice girls don't and those who do are sluts," you carry an enormous burden of potential guilt and conflict.  An easy way out is to have the decision taken from you.  The tall dark stranger rescued her from the group of slobbering drunken bums, all of whom surely would have had their way with her had he not intervened.  So when he massaged her, whispering soothing words of consolation that she was now safe, she was not surprised that her nipples were soon erect and she began to lubricate.  His hands became more and more intimate with her body and she swooned in pleasure.  She came out of her reverie briefly when she felt his manhood parting her nether lips, but by then she was breathing deeply and wanted him so much she ached.  Her head spun as he slid deeply into her, filling what she realized was a void.  Thus the "gentle rape."  She gets the sex she wants by merely yielding to his advances, thus avoiding the personal responsibility of saying, in effect, "I want something that makes me a bad person, a dirty girl."

Couples role play rape scenes for a variety of reasons.  There is a sense of liberation from being tied up -- you can't reciprocate if you wanted to!  Many couples have an unspoken token economy that says that as much as I stimulate you, I expect you to stimulate me.  Being tied up means you have no responsibility to "pay back" (at least not in that moment).  And there is the thrill of the forbidden fruit -- like sex outdoors where you might be seen, or "copping a feel" in the elevator.  For men, being tied up (as well as receiving a strap-on dildo) promotes a healthy appreciation for a passive role and/or a penetrated role.  Guys are socialized to believe that they are supposed to know it all and make all the moves, and this imposes its own burden of responsibility.  For a man to be comfortable enough in his sexuality to be literally not in control, it can be an extraordinary learning experience.

He says it's only a fantasy, and that he
would never do anything like that in real life, that the fantasy world is
separate from the real one.  But he did tell me that he acted out some rape
scenarios with his ex-gf, who "liked it rough", and even used a knife as a
prop one time.  This is really freaking me out.  If I let him go ahead and
try out these scenarios with me, I feel like he'll be mentally really raping
me, and to me that is totally malevolent, not loving and special at all.  I
think it is just my own societally-imposed pre-conceived notions that are
giving me these hang-ups, because I've always thought I was pretty
perverted.  Please rehearse "sexually liberal" instead of "perverted."   But I just can't get over the fact that it bothers me.  And I encourage you to focus on the thrill of the forbidden in fantasy versus the damage of the real thing.  One man described in detail how he tied up his wife, blindfolded her, then pretended to bring in the family dog.  He smeared a tiny bit of peanut butter on her upper lip, then put some on her clitoris and labia, then panting like a dog, proceeded to lick it off, barking as he paused to breathe.  HE knew the dog wasn't there, SHE knew the dog wasn't really there, but "going with the flow" of the sensory imagery resulted in her having a dynamite orgasm.  Analogize that to rape if you can.

I'm 20 by the way, so I don't have all that much sexual experience except for
regular stuff.  I have more questions for you too but this is the most
pressing so I'll just hope you can help me out here.  Please  hold other questions until after September 12

Thank you so much, you've made me a very wise woman over the last 2 years
I've been reading your website.  When the student is ready, the master will appear.   Everyone should read it.

Please use the name Kelly if you post this.  Thanks.

Wife wants divorce after intense ten day love-making -- he feels rage
8/25 Q:  Dr. Fritz,

3months ago, the day after our 19th wedding anniversary, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Also, she hadn't loved me for two years and had been "deceiving herself" that she cared about us. The 10 day period BEFORE the the balloopn went up was intensely romantic, loving, intensely sexual (she wanted se 2-3 times a day for an hour at a time-WAY out side her norm).

When I asked her how she could do this to me she responded that " I just wanted do have a few good days with you with no hasssels before I left". I later found out that she had been having an affair for the month preceeding all this.

Fast background: The prior 18 months I became very depressed and did not work.She became the sole supp;ort of the family. (She later also said that she left self-survival")

Odd thing is that I was getting rapidly better (toward the end) and our relationship appeared to be getting stronger by the day.

OK, all that for the question.

I have no real sex drive. I am occassionally filled with rage toward her. I don't feel I can attempt any new relationships until I clear my feelings. (I am gettiong some superb support therapy).

How can I get pass the rage and sense of betrayal I feel? Logically, this woman is bad news from about evry perspective-BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO LET GO!!!!

My therapist suggested I spend several hours with a high end call girl in order to move my sexual/intimate focus away from the memories of my ex and more toward other women.

I hope this makes some sense. I would be grateful for any thoughts you might have. (I don't expect miracles-just some help.)

Can do?

Thank you kindly,

A:  First, please pause to appreciate the fact that your therapist has the benefit of seeing you face to face with all the communication that body language and verbal (oral) inflection conveys, while I have only an e-mail to read.

My take based on what you have written is that your wife is capable of only a certain degree of intimacy and commitment, and that her "bank" of your stored up (invested) support of each other is limited.

This sounds shallow, self-serving, and selfish of her if you have been a major bread winner for 17 of the 19 years, and if so, you are better off knowing now than in 10 years!

With the first sentence clearly in mind, I do not encourage patients to be sexual with a call girl (I want to go on record stating that I find that a demeaning and infantalizing term) or a sexual surrogate because the transfer from those commercial experiences to voluntary ones is often seriously lacking.

While you state that you are getting superb support therapy I would take a stronger proactive stance and challenge what you are doing assertively to learn from your relationship with your wife and to move on to a more compatible relationship.

No one can accurately predict the success of a relationship in 10 weeks, but I strongly urge you to spend some time getting over this one, then finding another, then asking an experienced relationship therapist to put you and your new friend through a ten week course of "values clarification" to search for fatal flaws.

I hope this helps.

Dr. Fitz aka Sexdoc

p.s.  "Fritz" is a German name and the name of a cartoon cat

Many sex surveys agree:  The single-greatest cause of dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) is insufficient lubrication!
8/24/01 Q:  Dear Madam or Sir,
My problem is this: sexual intercourse is painful. My partner and I use KY
and try to prolong foreplay. However, it always starts out as painful. When
I am very well lubricated it isn't, however it usually doesn't last long
before the pain begins again.  It is a burning sensation and hurts for a
long time after sex, especially to go to the bathroom.  It never iches, just
burns as if is was rubbed raw.  My whole vaginal area becomes bright red. I
have tried gynacort, however it only adds to the burning and irritation.
This problem only occurs durring sex, or right after.  How can I treat this

Thank You,

A:  I am not sure how you got to me but on my picture is generally considered masculine

I STRONGLY urge you to get KY Liquid (NOT KY jelly), and Astroglide AND Albolene moisturizing makeup remover (unscented), and try each in turn, re-applying more at the earliest sign of any friction.

Different women respond to those lubricants differently and you OWE IT TO YOURSELF to experiment to see if use of any of those addresses your irritation.

Sex should be fun, not painful!


Is male anal stimulation normal and can I hurt myself?
8/23/01 Q:  hi I'm 25 year old male straight and I enjoy masturbation. sometime I like to stick a finger up my anus. is that normal, and by doing this can I hurt myself.  thanks for looking at my ?

A:  MANY men have no interest in homosexual behavior and like anal stimulation.  Remember:  It is the gender of the participants, not the nature of the activity, that defines sexual orientation.

I suggest experimenting with a butt plug, dildoes, anal love beads, etc.

The videotapes "Bend Over, Boyfriend" (1 & 2) ( have caused a revolution in guys getting in touch with the joy of having their SO strap on a dildo and taking the penetrating role.  Update:  The direct link is:

So long as whatever goes in (finger, toy, etc.) is WELL lubricated and not sharp, enjoy.  Keep in mind that there is an upper diameter before you cause tissue damage.

Read my anal pages on my home page.


Has vigorous masturbation caused nerve damage?
8/23/01 Q:  Dear Doctor:

I am 32 years old, married with two young kids.  To get right to the point,
I masterbate about 6x per week.  Sometimes, it can take quite some time to
come this way, and my penis takes some abuse.  Lately while masterbating and
while having sex with my wife, I have noticed some numbness (desensitation)
of the head and foreskin areas, and even some pain at internally at about
the forskin area.  Orgasims during sex are not nearly as pleasurable as they
used to be, back when my penis seemed to be ultra-sensative during
ejacutation-- so much so that I might even stop thrusting cause it hurt so
good!  Now, my desensitized penis experiences nothing like that.

Have I permanently damaged the nerve endings in the areas of my penis
described above?  Or, will the sensitivity come back if I lay off the
masterbation?  I fear that I have ruined things for myself...

Best regards,

A:  I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that if you stop providing so much pressure on your nerve endings, they WILL regenerate!

The bad news is that it absolutely sounds like you have caused some nerve damage and it will most likely take 7-11 months of no more damage for the nerves to regenerate.

Orgasm is triggered by a summation of neurological impulses, which is why some women love sharp slaps on the butt during doggy style intercourse.  Use plenty of lubrication while stroking your penis and try nipple or anal stimulation simultaneously to create a sum of nerve impulse to trigger orgasm.

AND be patient!  Your brain needs 10-40 trials of new stimulation to "figure out" that this is instead of the same old same old!

Multiple questions regarding female orgasm and relationship ramifications
8/22/01 Q:  I have been with the same off and on for nearly three and a half years.  Before him, I only experienced a total of two orgasms through sex.  I finally decided to teach myself with a vibrator.  When I first met him, he had just gotten out of a 20 year marriage because his wife had cheated on him.  Needless to say, his ego was very bruised.  The first time we attempted to have intercourse, he could not get an erection.  This continued consistently for probably one month, then off and on throughout the next year.  I was very patient and understanding with him.  Before him, none of my partners had ever put an importance on me reaching an orgasm, but when I met him, he said that his ex would orgasm within five minutes every time they had sex.  This was what he was used to.  The pressure was now on for me.

Like I said before, I had only climaxed twice in ten plus years of sex.  Plus, my clitoris was used to the vibrator, which makes it very hard to orgasm through regular intercourse.  I finally learned to make me, but I felt like I was forcing it out.  It would not happen every time, but was becoming more and more frequent.  Well, it's happening again.  I have not been able to reach orgasm through intercourse or oral for at least two months now.  He his getting totally frustrated which in turns makes me more frustrated.  I am actually trying to think my orgasmic out.  I will occasionally have one by incorporating the vibrator with our love making, but that's not even happening every time.  He tries so hard and for so long that he eventually loses his erection. I told him that not every woman is going to be like his ex-wife.  Isn't it true that not every woman has the ability to orgasm and that it usually takes most women 15 to 20 minutes of some sort of stimulation to climax?  The fastest way I can orgasm is anal with a vibrator on my clitoris.  That only takes about one minute.  I feel like a freak.

Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to get to that level of orgasm with him again?  We have had a lot of personal problems over the years, plus all of these sexual issues.  Is it possible that my mental psyche is making me not have an orgasm?  Do you think talking to a sex therapist will help?  Also, would stopping use of the vibrator help?  I've heard that you can lose sensation down there from prolonged use of a vibrator.  Is that true?  We have a really fun sex life and believe me, it doesn't bother me one bit if I don't orgasm every time we have sex.  Remember I went for 10 years before I finally experienced my first.  How do I get him to understand that it's not that important that I orgasm every time and that I am like most women.  I think there are fewer woman out there that actually do achieve an orgasm every time or that achieve multiple orgasms.  Let me know if my statistics are correct.  Also, one last questions, I take the herbal supplement Metabolife.  Could that be affecting my libido?  Thank you.

A:  The most recent well-conducted study* of sexuality in America yielded the following percentages of women experiencing these problems:  Unable to achieve orgasm:  24.1%; pain during sex:  14.4%; lack of interest in sex:  33.4%; sex not pleasurable:  21.2%; insufficient lubrication:  18.8%; anxiety about performance:  11.5%;  reaching climax too early: 10.3%.  Because males experience cramping from prolonged pelvic vasocongestion (so-called "blue balls" -- from prolonged sexual excitement without orgasm), they are largely incredulous that women actually enjoy a variety of sexual activities without having an orgasm!  So I believe there is no rationalization or other distortion when you say that it doesn't bother you one bit if you don't have an orgasm every time.

Many guys take it as a sign of their skill and prowess as a lover if their woman has an orgasm; thus if you do not, he thinks he has failed you somehow.  Please emphasize to him that it is your subjective satisfaction that counts, and he needs to get his ego out of your sexual activity.

There are enormous individual differences in sexuality.  So easily we accept differences in height, race, hair color, etc., yet when it comes to sex, everyone wants to be "normal."  Some women do experience orgasm consistently in less than 30 seconds; others always take 15-25 minutes.  And some never do (many of them start having orgasms after reading and doing each and every exercise in "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach).

The fact that you experience orgasm in one minute when engaging in anal sex and with a vibrator on your clitoris tells me that your brain does respond to higher levels of neurological stimulation.  You might try vaginal intercourse "doggy style" with a vibrator on your clitoris and an occasional slap on the buttocks.  Women who enjoy that report that it feels like a sudden flood of sensation "washing into" their brain and triggering orgasm.

The vibrator on your clitoris is NOT harmful unless you press it so hard against your clitoris that you cause nerve damage.  Regarding Metabolife, the general rule is that things which are good for overall health (diet, nutrition, exercise) are good for sexual response, and things bad for overall health (drugs, alcohol, tobacco, inactivity, etc.) interfere with sexual response.

Because your biggest sex organ is your brain, talking to a sex therapist could be helpful if it addressed the problems you mentioned you and he were having.  There is a faint possibility that you are harboring some negative self-images regarding sex and have a hard time "letting go," and that the anal sex with vibrator overwhelms the inhibition, but your statement that you have a really fun sex life is why I say "faint."

I suggest that you 1) read and do every single exercise in "For Yourself," with the goal of learning how to bring yourself to orgasm consistently;  2) ask him to read this response and to suspend his judgments regarding whether you have an orgasm or not;  3) experiment with increased neurological sensation (different positions, slapping, etc.); and consult a sex therapist for an assessment if these self-help suggestions do not improve things.

*E. O, Laumann, et al.  The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual practices in the United States, University of Chicago Press, 1994.

How to "jump start" a sex drive after a sudden loss in interest
8/20/01 Q:  i have absolutely no interest in sex anymore and i don't know why. i am
not on any medications. i am not depressed. i haven't had any recent or
past major emotional upheavals.i am not worried about pregnancy since i
had my tubes tied almost 2 years ago and the fear of std is a non issue.
outside of my lack of interest in sex my husband and i have a good and
honest three kids sleep through the night and i have no
major stressors that would explain this sudden loss of interest. i have
had a complete physical that has ruled out any and all underlying
illnesses.could it be something that i missed? is there a way to "jump
start" my sex drive?

A:  According to Chance Fisher, M.D., the reproductive endocrinologist with whom I consult, some women have "jump started" (funny -- that's the term she used, also) their sex drive by achieving an orgasm every 2-3 days for a month then waiting to see if they feel horny.

Also, taking supplemental testosterone works for many women -- who call it "instant lust in a bottle."  Many MDs are reluctant to venture into this area and often patronize patients with low dose patches hoping for a placebo effect, so do your homework regarding doses.


She e-mails back minutes after the above was sent: Okay genius if I have absolutely no and I mean no interest in having sex how in the hell am I suppose to achieve an orgasm? Did you even read my question? that was a horrible answer.

Yes, I DID read your question.  Let me try to put the answer a different way.

Even when you have absolutely no interest in sex your body will respond in most cases if you put a vibrator on your clitoris and relax and breathe deeply.  Some women read the fantasies in Nancy Friday's book "Women on Top," and others prefer something they have found to be erotic.  You do this with an open mind and as a bodily function, experiencing orgasm as a result, and this feeds back to your endocrine system and for some/many (I have no statistics on this) women, they find that after they do this 10 times (10 X every 3 days = one month) the wake up a few days after the tenth "sexual physical therapy exercise" and realize they are horny.

Now please respond to this.  Does this explanation make sense?  I'm not saying you WANT to bring yourself to orgasm.  I'm saying "just do it."


She e-mails promptly: Forget it

Am I no longer a virgin?
8/13/01 Q:  I was wondering if because my boyfriend was fully inside me am I no longer a virgin. I feel like I'm still a virgin because my cherry didn't pop and I'm not sore and all he did was stick it in and then take it out. please respond!!

A:  Not all women have a hymen that gets in the way of penetration.

"Virginity" is largely a religious term and most religions hold a hard line on the tip of the penis passing where the hymen is or was, so according to them, you are no longer a virgin.


Oral sex when she's having her period
8/13/01 Q:  Doc,
   I am 42 years old and my girl is 29. We have a problem. My girl enjoys me
performing oral sex. I enjoy it a great deal. The problem is when she gets
period. She insists that I "eat her." So far I haven't done it. She says she
leave me if I don't start doing it. She says that she is very "horny" at that
time of the month and if I truly loved her I would do it. Is there any chance
I could get sick? I don't mind intercourse at this time of the month, but I
know about eating her bloody pussy.

A:  Get creative.  Have her wear latex panties (sold for incontinence) or use Saran Wrap.

If you throw up it will be a turn off for both of you.


Is husband masturbation a problem?
8/13/01 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
I would like to know if I am facing a problem in my marriage, of a sexual nature, if my husband finds it necessary to mastrubate.  Without his knowledge, I have observed him mastrubating a couple of times and usually with the TV going (he's laying next to me and I am supposedly sleeping--somehow I wakeup when he's doing it) and there is something sexy showing (naked women, or a couple having sex, etc.).  I think we have a pretty good sexual relationship.  I do not get the sense that he is not enjoying himself.  We have sex typically 1-2 a week (we have dry spells 1-3 weeks) and in the past 6 months we've been exploring a doing new things. I don't particularly have a problem with mastrubation, every once in a while I do it too. But this is bothering me.
You must also know that we came through a very difficult time in our marriage a few years ago.  I caught him cheating and through much discussion and therapy we made it through that horrible time.  He has recommitted himself to me and our family, our lifestyle and he is much happier than he used to be.
Out of that experience, however, I realized that he had some issues with my body.  I am 43 years old (so is he), three children and a size 10/12 and 5'5'' tall, 145 lbs.  I am not the figure I used to be but I exercise and I'm o.k. (in my opinion!).  I guess I can't help thinking that underneath it all, he may still have issues.  This is a very difficult topic for us and very painful for me.  Please tell me what you think.

A:  Husband masturbation is a "problem" only if the wife is not having sex with him as often as she likes.  If she wants sex every 3 days and he wants an orgasm every 2 days, his masturbation when he wishes is not a problem.

Now if you want sex and he has masturbated the night before and he says he's not in the mood, you have a problem.

I suggest communicating as openly about this as possible.  If you can't, clearing the air with a sex therapist would be an excellent move.


Husband makes irrational claim regarding wife's pregnant body
8/9/01 Q:  DearDoctor-
I am 5 1/2 months pregnant and tonight,during an argument with my husband,  I
stated that I was frustrated because we had not had sex in a month.  My
husband stated, not kindly, "You want to know why? Because I'm just not
turned on by you anymore by being pregnant.  You're too big."  Needless to
say, that hurt my feelings so much that I can barely stand to look at him or
be around him. The thing is, I've only gained eight pounds since becoming
pregnant and I barely even look pregnant at this point.  I dress nice, fix my
hair and make-up and try to look as attractive as possible.  As a matter of
fact, I weigh less now than when we first met.  I was so sick during my first
trimester that I lost 16 pounds, so I"m still 8 pounds under the weight I was
when I first became pregnant.  I don't understand how he can be so
insensitive towards me and I don't know how I can go the duration of my
pregnancy without my husband touching me without feeling horrible and
insecure about his lack of affection.  And affection, as well as sex, is
lacking.any help would be appreciated.

A:  I feel deeply for you.  Too many men get weird about their pregnant wife's body.  For some it is a variation on "Whore-Madonna Syndrome" in which before pregnancy you're a great sex-toy-whore, but as soon as you are pregnant you are put on a pedestal -- he doesn't want to literally be a motherfucker.  The idea is that you are holy and that it would defile you too much.  The strong indicator that it is psychological is the fact that you now do weigh 8 pounds less, so it can't be the weight per se.

Short-term face to face therapy can be effective but deal with this somehow before it festers and really burns you.

Urine or female ejaculate?
8/9/01 Q:       I have had a problem for about 2 years now.  Every time my husband
tries to perform oral sex on me, or touches me in a certain area, I have a
strong urge to urinate.  I do not have this urge usually, when we are
having intercourse. I know that it is not an orgasm for sure, because this
happens even when I'm not aroused.  I have tried emptying my bladder in
vain.  It does not work.  I still urinate. And I do not have any symptoms
of a bladder infection.  Please help!

A:  Are you absolutely sure it's urine?  I'll bet it is female ejaculate from your transurethral sponge reaction to the intense stimulation.  You say a "certain area."  If that is the upper wall of your vagina, it's almost certain that that is your g-spot.  Female ejaculation is most often triggered by g-spot stimulation, and not every woman has one.

A bit of urine might be mixed but in general it has more of a nutty musty odor and a texture that is more slippery than urine and less slippery than vaginal lubrication.

If it is female ejaculate the only things you can do are 1) thank him for such special stimulation, and 2) be prepared with a plastic liner and towels.


Husband wants to reenact childhood sexual experiences with wife.  Will it last?
8/6/01 Q:  My 33 year old husband just confided in me that when his sister and him
were young( it started when she was about 9 and he was about 7), she
used to ask him to rub her on top of her underwear all night.
Apparently this happened off and on in situations where they had to
share a bed, and sometimes his sister and his cousin would make him do
it. There were also other sexual situations that she made him do.  He
claims that it was just kid stuff and at the time for him non sexual,
but now it seems that he loves to act out what happened on me now.  He
also insists that I call out my younger brothers name during sex as
well.  I'm going along with his ideas for now hoping he will get it out
of his system, my question is if what happened in his childhood is going
to affect out sex life all the time?  Is it something that he will
eventually get tired of or will it always be in the back of is head
during sex?

A:  Despite the insistence of those uninformed of the details of childhood sexual abuse that any inappropriate touching is guaranteed to traumatize someone, such is not the case.  Many an Englishman was either dried after a bath or spanked while his wee wee rubbed mommy or nannie's red rubber apron, to grow up eroticized by the smell and feel of rubber.  Enemas were an extremely common home remedy of choice for any stomach ache or constipation, and more adults who were children from 1920 to 1960 regularly use enemas for pleasure than most people think.  So that he is eroticized by this now is no surprise.  My crystal ball is cloudy, so I cannot predict whether it will affect your sex life all the time, but I do have some advice:  First, it might be in the back of his head during sex and I encourage you NOT to be concerned about that!  Many women fantasize about being held down and gently raped every single time they want an orgasm, and lots of men have fantasized about movie stars or someone at the office while making love with their wife.

Second, however, if it is done occasionally, and on other occasions you do other sexual behaviors that you enjoy more, I would not consider it a problem.  Just how much is occasional is hard to pin down but I would say once every 4 or 5 times you are sexual is about as frequent as I am professionally comfortable with.  If you see a trend where he cannot perform sexually unless some of this is done, that's a problem and needs professional intervention as early as possible. The longer it goes on the more concrete it becomes and the longer the therapy needed to reverse it.

Can you get pregnant from sex while on period?
8/6/01 Q:  Is it possible to get pregnant when having unprotected sex while on your
period? If so how much of a chance is there?

A:  Absolutely yes.  It all depends on whether you ovulate prematurely and before the sperm die.  While most sperm are dead in 72 hours, some have been found alive after 8 days.

There are no clean statistics on this but for each woman it turns out to be zero or 100%

While we are on this topic, you also need to know that stress -- your worry over the possibility of being pregnant -- can cause you to delay or even skip your next period.  For many women, that event just confirmed to them that they were pregnant!


Husband cannot achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse and insists on anal penetration
8/6/01 Q:  My husband cannot achieve orgasm during vaginal intercourse and insists on always ending up with anal intercourse so he can come.  Is there some way he can again have an orgasm from vaginal stimulation?

A:  He might need more stimulation.  If he can get over an adolescent hangover regarding masturbation, he can stimulate himself by hand before, during, or after intercourse.  Some men most prefer to bring their woman to as many orgasms as she wishes, then withdraw, hand stimulate, and reinsert just when they start to have an orgasm.  Try different combinations and evaluate them.

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