Sex and Relationships

Sexual Dysfunction

Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality

Copyright (C) 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

Welcome to ASK THE SEX DOC

Answer page #31

How can I be pregnant?  He doesn't ejaculate inside of me!
8/3/01 Q:
Hi doctor I already have a 1 year old son and after I had him I started
taking birth control. But recently I stopped taking them it has been at
least 2 months since I have last taken the pill. So last night I took 2
home pregancy tests to see if I'm pregnant and they both came back
positive. My husband says that it can't be true because (not to be nasty
he doesn't ejaculated inside of me) so how can I be pregant. I remember my
friends telling me that some guys ejaculate early but he says that he
knows everything that goes on down there and I just need to know if there
can be any possibility that I can be pregnant from an early ejaculation. I
haven't had a period since June. So can you really help me with this
because I don't know what to do and if it can be true that I'm pregnant.
Please respond asap. Thank you for your help.

A:  While ejaculate contains between 200 million and 400 million sperm on the average, so-called "pre-cum" -- the clear fluid that oozes out of the penis of most guys when they are excited -- contains about 80,000 on average.  That's why the scientific label for the people who use the alleged contraceptive called "coitus interruptus" (pulling out before ejaculating) is "parents."

Serious clitoral sensitivity prevents additional stimulation
8/3/01 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz:

Hi. My girlfriend and I (both of us are in our mid 20s
and have been seeing each other for about 6 months)
have been experiencing an apparently common problem
but with an odd twist. We have not progressed beyond
oral sex and manual estimulation - no intercourse yet.
The problem is that during sexual stimulation (oral or
manual) she will get extremely excited and come very
close to having an orgasm, but at what appears to be
the climax of it all, she experiences a SEVERE
tickling sensation from her clitoris and we have to
stop dead cold. She has told me that she cannot stand
my touching or licking her clitoris after she reaches
this point, but I do not think that she ever truly
reaches orgasm before the tickling starts. I can
imagine it must be very frustrating for her - and thus
for me as well. I am my girlfriend's first sexual
partner. She has tried masturbation but "can't get
into it" by herself. We have tried every possible
technique we could think of, including her trying to
endure the tickling in the event that this is a "hill"
that she must "climb through" in order to reach
orgasm, but that has not worked. We have tried the
techniques of extended foreplay, massage, extensive
caressing, etc., with always the same results.

I love her dearly and would like to bring her to
orgasm but the one spot that makes her go crazy also
very suddenly becomes the most ticklish spot on her
body as soon as she gets VERY close to reaching
orgasm. Have you heard of this problem before? Is
there something you would recommend? Is this likely to
be a psychological problem or could it be
physiological? I read about the Barbach "For Yourself"
book in other questions in your web site and plan to
buy it for us, but since I had not read of the
tickling problem anywhere else, I wanted to ask you
first. This problem is very frustrating: please help.

Thank you.

A:  I speculate that she may, in fact, be experiencing orgasm but may be unaware of it.  For many women, their clitoris becomes extremely sensitive starting the second the orgasm starts.  I suggest inserting two well-lubricated fingers in her vagina (or one well lubricated finger in her rectum) and touching her until she starts to experience what you describe.  If her announcement of that coincides with your sensation of pelvic muscle contractions 8/10 of a second apart, she IS haveing an orgasm.

Her doing Kegel exercises can increase her awareness of an orgasm.

If she is not having involuntary pelvic muscle contractions, she needs to learn how to bring herself to orgasm and then teach you!

See the link to "Female Orgasm Matters" on my home page.


16 year old woman worried about the effects of masturbation
8/2/01 Q:  Hello im a 16 year old girl. Practicly my whole life ive masturbated and had
sexual fantisies.Now i use a clean makeup brush handle as a dildo and have
had sex before  with my boyfriend of 7 months he is the one i lost my
virginity to.but my boyfriend  decided to not have sex untill we get married
which will be a couple of years from now. now we are just having oral sex and
i masturbate more often now and im afraid that i am going to become
unsensitive and not be able to get wet and aroused. i masturbate about 2
times a day.Do you think that i will eventually not be able to get
aroused?and will my sex life be better if i stop masturbating?i love my
boyfriend and i want it to be as exciting as it can be. please ancer my
questions it would be greatly appreciated. im alittle scared about this and i
dont have anyone to ask. thank you. also my grandad is a preacher so my
family is big-time christians and masturbation is frowned upon and here
latley when i have been masturbating it dosent feel as good as it used to
              thank you

A:  While many women who started engaging in intercourse prior to age 17 report a serious lack of interest in sex starting around the late 20's or early 30's, and those same women have a disproportionate incidence of cervical cancer (believed to be associated with HPV on the developing cervix), in general, those who masturbate early tend to have a high sex drive throughout their lives.

The inspiration of horniness in both genders is testosterone, and for both genders, hormone production is fairly constant.  A young woman with high testosterone will be inspired to masturbate frequently, and when she matures, she will be interested in sexual expression in whatever forms are available and attractive to her in later life.

If you mash your fingers or a vibrator against your clitoris, you can do nerve damage which will render your clitoris insensitive, but consistent stimulation that is not damaging that results in orgasm is absolutely OK.  For both genders, sexual activity in general, and orgasm in particular, triggers the release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream, and they, in turn, seriously strengthen your immune system.  So it's not "an apple a day" that keeps the doctor away....

AND, the first line self-help for women who lose interest in sex after delivery of a baby is to masturbate to orgasm every 2-3 days for a month because for some women, that "kick starts" the production of more sex hormones.  Use it or lose it.

The only negative consequences of masturbation are guilt, shame, embarrassment, worry (due to ignorance), nerve damage if done too hard, and skin irritation if there is not enough lubrication.  Please think of it as a natural immune system enhancer and a natural anti-depressant, and a private decision.  Regretably, religious teachings used prohibition of masturbation to control the masses and guarantee a following.  Think about it.  There is an elegant mind control in saying "I know you are going to sin (because it feels good and is natural biology) and when you do, you must come to me for salvation and if you don't, you'll go to hell."  I hope you will rethink your private sexuality and decide what you believe to be best for you, not what your grandfather thinks is best.

What are the elements of a good relationship and are there any good role models?
8/1/01  Q:  Hi Dr. Fitz,

 I have written before and you have always been most helpful,
thank you for that! I have another question which I hope you
will answer. I read your site each week and try to see
relationships from your point of view. One thing your site has
helped me to see is the incredible variety of experiences,
turn ons and hang ups that exist out there. But from your
replies I have concluded that you see sex as a  physical
experience divorced from morality and from emotions. It seems
that you want to help people to maximize their pleasure and
minimize their guilt. In the great range of possibilities, I
observe that I am pretty far on the conservative side, but
then I have never had a lover that I really trusted enough to
let go with and explore. In your reply to the young girl who
wrote about rape dreams, you said something about few role
models being available for a good relationship, and that sex
can make one feel totally loved. I would be interested to know
what you consider to be the elements of a good relationship.
You say that the media is a very poor role model, are there
any good role models out there anywhere?

 So I guess I have two questions: what do you consider the
elements of a good relationship, and where can one find good
role modeling?

Thanks so much,

Wanting to Learn More.

A:  Geez, you guys, now we're into the hard questions!  While it is said that "opposites attract," it turns out that similarities and common interests keep a relationship together.  My favorite description of how to find a person with whom you have the highest probability of a long-term relationship is to first identify all your filters.  These are your private but true prejudices as well as practical things.  Height, age weight, race, color or existence of hair, body type, for guys, such shallow things as breast size, butt, legs, etc., and for women, muscles, butt, etc., religion, interest in having children, prior marital status, already have children etc.  These are all the things you can determine quite quickly.  The rules are 1) don't flirt with anyone who doesn't fit the obvious filters (unless you're just practicing), and 2) don't waste ANY more resources of time or money as soon as you discover a filter breach (second date he says he will not have children, for example).  These rules may sound heartless and/or ruthless, but I see TOO MANY couples who damn well knew there was a "fatal flaw" and who just kept on perpetuating the relationship in the hope that the other person would change.

Once you are connected to someone who fits ALL of your filters, each of you is auditioning the other to assess the extent to which you are compatible emotionally, physically, and intellectually.    The relationship is at risk of termination if the parties are too far apart in any of these dimensions. In the interest of being brief, I will illustrate with just one example for each dimension.  If you are hurt and he says "get over it and stop being a crybaby," you will likely feel unsupported and invalidated.  If you like hiking, camping, and sex every other day when you feel OK, and his idea of roughing it is a motel without room service, and sex every day 365 days a year (yes, including when you have cramps and are having your period), you will have problems.  And if one feels patronized by the other's intellect, tension will surface, I guarantee it.

So you date (audition) to assess compatibility and to clarify your values ("I was sure I would not accept intercourse less than every other day but when she doesn't feel like being penetrated, the oral sex she performs on me is overwhelmingly more than compensatory.").  The rule here is number 2 above:  as soon as you determine that you are just too far apart in compatibility, immediately apply your resources in the search for someone to audition.  Learn from each relationship what was and what was not important for you, and search for someone who has the sum aggregate of all that you have learned is important to you.

The result of this process is a pair of people who have similar interests, mutual respect, and perceive each other as meeting their needs.  To the extent to which needs are met by your spouse, you will want to perpetuate and preserve that relationship.  This concludes the "elements of a good relationship" part.  Note that I carefully avoided endorsing or condemning specific behaviors or activities.  Often in therapy for sexual enhancement, a new sexual activity will be hesitantly suggested by one person, and his or her spouse will receive it enthusiastically.  When asked why this never came up before, each says something about being afraid the other would think it was kinky or repulsive and that the other would think the proposer was somehow perverted.

The role model point is much harder to address.  I have had patients bewildered by the announcement of their parents' separation and impending divorce one month after the youngest child leaves for college, and patients very upset when they learn that someone they respected was guilty of some misbehavior.  I know that it is easy to say that there are few good role models out there, and I am hard pressed to fill the void ... except to propose that each person define his or her values and to stick to what is right for him or her.  As we have learned recently from Bill Clinton, Gary Condit, and Newt Gingrich (to name only a few), those in prominence are not necessarily scrupulous.

I know this second point is lacking but I hope it helps.

To the woman who e-mailed this question:  Please e-mail to let me know that you have read the reply.

Husband has "lost interest" in sex with pregnant wife.  Affair?
7/31/01 Q:  Dr. Fitzgerald,
I am about 38 wks pregnant. All during my pregancy, I have been sexually
active with my husband. I have a strong sex drive.Well,the other night, I
told my husband that I was too tired to make love, and he said that that
was okay, he hasn't had any sexual drive towards me for about a month.He
said he wasn't afraid of hurting the baby or me, he said it was probably
just a chemical thing. He hurt my feelings. What do you think about what
he said? I still want to make love,but I don't want to beg for it. I am a
pretty woman, just big and pregnant right now.He always had a strong
sexual drive before. Sometimes I think he might have someone on the side,
he has been coming home later than usual lately, off and on. I have asked
him, but he denies it. Is there someway that I can find out or tell if he
is being unfaithful? I need to know for my own peace of mind. Please help
me. Thanks,

A:  Men are mostly visual creatures, and many men are "distressed" by the body image changes that occur during pregnancy.  It is entirely possible that he is being diplomatic and instead of saying "I am turned off by fat women," he is offering the nebulous "I don't have a sex drive (for) you."

Behaviorally, the single greatest predictors of extramarital affairs are a dramatic increase or decrease in frequency of sex in the absence of other influencing factors.  Your pregnancy certainly complicates things for this indicator.

 Women who have been cheated on say that SMELL is a great tipoff!  If he usually gets home smelling a little sweaty and suddenly he's "working late" and gets home smelling of soap or other new odors, the hair on the back of your neck should be rising.  And many women report that guys are just plain sloppy in taking care of details like disposing of little notes in their pants pocket or a Victoria's Secret catalog in their briefcase.

Finally, there are other ways to achieve orgasm and be close than penile-vaginal intercourse, and if other activities are not acceptable, other positions (like rear entry side by side or doggy style) tend to partly minimize the obviousness of the pregnancy.  Alternative positions are especially encouraged if they haven't been used before to compensate with novelty for the detraction of new belly size.

Just started sleeping with new girlfriend -- but she wants to date others, and a sexual problem
7/25/01 Q:  Hello Dr. Fitzgerald, I have a relationship question, and a related sex
question. I'm a 35 year old male who has been casually dating a woman I've
known for some time, and for the last month we've been "official", since we
started sleeping together. Or so I thought. My new girlfriend claims that
while she will not sleep with anyone else while she is sleeping with me, I
know she has asked friends to recommend other people to date for her, she
plans on having an ex over for dinner who I know still wants to sleep with
her anytime she will let him, and that she flirts with him with jokes about
him being hung (she doesn't know I know this). For argument's sake let's say
I believe she won't screw anybody else (ummm...yeah). Since I can't just say
flat out I don't trust her without getting crap about how insecure and
untrusting I am, I don't mention that part. But even apart from that I
believe it's disrespectful and wrong to date others when you are sleeping
with someone. That goes for her, and the people she might date, who almost
certainly won't get told that she already has a boyfriend. She claims she is
looking for a serious relationship, and I think this is a bad way to go
about it. In my book, sleeping with someone is like sharing a deep secret
about yourself. You are taking a risk of being open in the hopes that you
won't get hurt. Being intimate enough to sleep with someone, and then
actively searching for replacements, to me is as disrespectful as having a
deep secret, given in trust, ridiculed.  I think it is also disrespectful to
yourself. You are saying in effect that you are willing to sleep with
someone that you don't consider to be good enough to be completely exclusive
with. That says nothing good about you, in my opinion. She claims that if we
were to be totally exclusive so early in the relationship (one month) that
she would feel too much pressure on our relationship to constantly analyze
how well we are doing. It's a somewhat valid point in that sense I suppose,
but I still don't agree. How are you supposed to give your best to any
relationship when you feel the other person is not as interested as you
are??  I for one don't feel that dating other people, even without sex, is
likely to lead to a healthy relationship. I would be very interested in your
professional opinion.

This is impacting our sex life as well. She is one of the most absolutely
beautiful women I have ever been with, but she is causing me performance
anxiety that I don't recall having with other attractive women. For one
thing, while we were casually dating she had told me that she had been with
at least one man with a huge dick, another who could cum 10 times in a hour
- but that she really didn't like that, she just wants one orgasm and be
done with it. Why she told me that I have no idea. It would be like me
saying my last girlfriend could always get me off with a blowjob in 10
seconds - but that's just too fast, I like to take my time. It would make
her feel inadequate. And she had been with a good number of women as well!
How is an average man supposed to compare with all that? I try not to worry
about it, saying that I must be OK if I'm with her now, but it does bother
me. She also feels that cumming quickly is a sign that I find her very
attractive. I told her not to mess with my mind that way or it will become
an issue. As it is I find myself worrying about how long it takes me, and
whether I will get hard on command, and what super hung guys drilled her the
way she wanted while I'm still feeling my way around what she wants in bed.
Sure enough it is having an effect. I take longer to cum than I normally
would, and I start to worry about going soft after a time, and so forth. My
general question is, what can I do to not get mental about performance
issues? I assume that many if not most very attractive women have quite a
sexual history, and I want to be better able to just not worry about it. And
what should you tell people about your sexual history? I have a feeling she
told me more than I needed to know! But now even if someone doesn't tell me,
I will start assuming. I don't want this to be an issue for me, it never was
before. Thank you very much for any thoughts.

A:   I agree wholeheartedly with your observation that one cannot make an adequate commitment to a primary relationship if the "door is open" to date others.  In my professional opinion, dating is actually "auditioning" to assess the extent to which you two are intellectually, emotionally, and physically (including sex) compatible.  Her dating is, to me, a clear statement of "You'll do until I find someone better."  If she were willing to make an adequate commitment, why audition others for the part?

I suggest that you approach her and say something like: "Thank you for letting me know this early in the relationship what your intentions are.   I am interested in a mutually monogamous relationship and to that extent we are clearly not compatible.  It's been nice, and I wish the best for you, and I thank you for letting me know this early so I will be hurt less."

I respectfully suggest that her comments about sex with other men are not kind, loving, affectionate behaviors.  For some reason, she is trying to belittle you.  The answer to your question about not going mental about performance issues is to be with a partner who appreciates you as a unique individual with your own set of sexual skill strengths and weaknesses.

Telling people about your sexual history is a controversial and idiosyncratic requirement.  Informing a new partner of any current sexually transmitted infections is an absolute must, but divulging the number of partners or how good one was at specific sexual acts is only dangerous and perhaps hurtful.  Telling a new partner that he or she is the best you have ever had regarding a specific sex act is praising, rewarding, and likely to get that behavior repeated.  Telling a partner that he or she is deficient compared to a former lover will only inspire resentment, a sense of deficiency, and worry about dissatisfaction.

Find someone who appreciates your promise of monogamy and your unique sexuality.

7/26/01 he writes back:  Thank you very much for your response. My gut feeling about her is that she
is very afraid of committed relationships for some reason, so seeing other
people allows her to maintain emotional distance. She is hot and cold,
sometimes very affectionate and loving, at other times aloof and distant.
You have confirmed in my mind that there is little chance that this will
turn into any sort of healthy relationship. It's unfortunate because we are
very compatible in some areas that are very important to me. That seems to
be the difficulting in finding relationships - so many appealing areas that
you want to overlook the showstoppers. Even now, knowing that I shouldn't
take her seriously, part of me wants to keep sleeping with her, just because
she is so attractive. That is, treat her as OK for now while I look for
someone else, reduce her from serious prospect to f-buddy status, without
telling her that. After all, that seems to be what she's doing to me.

Unfortunately that isn't really my true nature, I am too honest, and I want
someone who can match my openness and honesty. Hopefully they will have her
body too. <wink> In all seriousness, it is painful to find someone who fits
in a good number of areas, but not in everything. It's also quite rare to
find someone who is so chemically attractive to me. There has only been one
other woman in my life where the taste of her skin, the smell of her,
everything just drives me crazy on the most primitive level. That is now on
my list of must-haves, I simply can't go back, and I dread having to find
someone else who is that attractive to me. It's hard to toss that away, but
I know you are right, and trying to stay with her will just be endlessly
painful. Thank you very much.

At the risk of sounding Freudian, reducing her to "f-buddy" status sounds like disguised hostility to me.  Yes, you could do that, but at the price of some honesty.  Only you can decide if that is worth it.  Keep searching!  And, thank you very much for the reaction.

7/27/01 he writes again:  Thank you very much! I had a good talk with her today, much more talking to
follow. While it's easy to be more objective here at my computer, when I'm
actually with The presence and raw power she has is simply
unreal. If not for my misgivings about our philosophical compatibility, she
would be everything I could hope for. We knew each other quite a while
before dating, and then getting intimate, so the emotions involved are
already non-trivial. I can also make the excuse that she has actually yet to
date anyone else since we have been together. However, your advice has
enabled me to keep an objective view of my priorities, and understand where
my comfort zone is. She hasn't passed out of it entirely yet, but she is
wandering very close. The important thing is that I feel so much more
relaxed and clear about everything. I do know where to stand my ground, draw
the line, and move on, and I thank you very very much for that. I must say I
envy what must be the personal rewards of your work. It is appreciated far
beyond what a few words in a email can express, and I'm only one of a great
many. Thank you!

Thank you for your kind comments.  Yes, many people are extremely appreciative of how I help them.

Probably the most rewarding are the couples where one is experiencing a sexual functioning problem.  At the end of therapy one often volunteers something like "Thank you so much for what you have done for us.  It's curious, actually.  In a way I am glad we had this problem, because if we hadn't, we would never have had this therapy.  You are not "returning us" to the state of our sexuality before this problem started.  We are now much more sexually adventurous, communicating much better, and are having more variety and sex more frequently!"

The other touching event, which has happened three times, is a couple who comes in on the verge of divorce with all kinds of sexual problems, who has a successful course of therapy, and who, a year and a half later, sends a Christmas card of them holding an infant, with the inscription "Thank you, Dr. Fitzgerald.  If it hadn't been for you, this never would have happened."  I cried with joy when I received the first of those."

7/30/01 he writes again:

I teared up a bit myself just reading that. You're a lucky man, and a credit
to your profession. Keep up the great work, I will continue to follow your
site, and perhaps I can ask a question again some day. And if need be, see a
therapist some day. I tend to doubt that is something I would have
considered before. You can tell that to any of your colleagues who might
question your practice of doing so much good for free. <smile> All the best
to you.

Reaction from another reader
7/31/01  Q:  Hi Doc!

I love your site, and the last note reminds me a lot of my situation. I'm
seeing a woman (we're both in our 30s)who is very attractive and has a
number of male "friends". Some of these friends are ex-lovers. I do trust
her not to sleep with these guys. She knows full well that they may want to
sleep with her, and that it is up to her to say no. This has been her life
with all guys, there is no sane man who wouldn't want to sleep with her.
Hard to relate to as a man, but such is the life of very attractive women I
guess. The reason I trust her not to sleep with them is that I *was* one of
these "friends". :) We had slept together for a while when she was between
boyfriends. She got back together with an ex-boyfriend for six months or so,
and during that time she still flirted with me, allowed me to send her
romantic emails and so forth, though it was clear she wouldn't sleep with me
while seeing someone. So I do trust her in that regard. Still, now I *am*
the fulltime boyfriend, and of course now the shoe is on the other foot. :)
There are other guys she will flirt with, that she is either really just
friends with or had a relationship with. I don't think she will sleep with
them while we are together, and she won't acquire new male "friends". Guess
I feel like a hypocrite now. ;) I do trust her, but it is annoying to know
that if we break up, she will have a replacement by the next weekend. But,
in the life of a very attractive woman this is probably normal. In general
I'm OK with it because I do trust her to a point, but is this healthy?  She
is a very open person, as I am, and neither of us feels it necessary to shut
out people who have been in our lives in an important way. However I am more
mindful of not flirting with ex girlfriends and hanging out with them when I
am in a relationship, much more so than she is. We are both looking for
serious long term relationships, and I do wonder if her flirtations and
keeping ex boyfriends around in a nonsexual way says anything about her
ability to be serious.

A:   The best predictor of future human behavior is past behavior.  You were out when another man was in; now you're the in guy and I would take my chances with her monogamy with you while you are in good graces.  With the caveat that it is unethical to diagnose anyone not seen in person, I speculate that she is "addicted" to the narcotic of flattery, attention, and the heady essence of knowing that men lust after her.  Remember Henry Kissinger's comment:  Power is an aphrodisiac.  She's got power!  Her keeping ex-boyfriends around could range from just hedging her bets to pathological high maintenance.  At a minimum this is one scenario where you would be extremely foolish not to schedule a fixed assessment of ten therapy sessions before announcing an engagement!

Clitoris is sensitive and she is embarrassed by her masturbation technique (answered by Chance Fisher, M.D.)
7/18/01 Q:  Hello!
My clitoris is so strange, I feel like a freak! Since
I can remember I have masturbated by sitting on a
chair, fully clothed, with an object (anything
cylindrical) between my legs, gliding back and forth
until I come.
I used to be in a relationship with a man who seemed
to make me come vaginally, and my need to masturbate
seemed to go away during our relationship, only to
resume after it ended. I am currently with a wonderful
man since nearly 4 years. I have never orgasmed during
sex with him. We have tried him touching me and orally
stimulating me, but my clitoris is so sensitive, it
either tickles or hurts. Sometimes it gets really
tense and hurts all day until I stimulate it my usual
way, then it "relaxes". This tenseness can be
extremely uncomfortable, and painful. As a result I
feel like my masturbation has little or nothing to do
with sex, I cannot see how I could try and bring this
into my partner's and my sexual act, and I feel so
ashamed I have not been able to tell him what I do, so
I also have to sneak around and try and do it while he
cannot hear. While sex with my partner is pleasant
enough, I want to know if there is anything I can do
learn to climax with my partner, without having to get
up and sit on a chair!
I read what you wrote to someone else about learning
to masturbate is like learning to ride a bike, maybe I
need to re-learn how to do it? But I can't even seem
to touch it, it is uncomfortable and painful!
What can I do?

A:  (Chance Fisher, M.D.)  First, what you are experiencing is normal for a large majority of women.
During the early stages of arousal the clitoris is usually too sensitive for
direct stimulation.  You may need to work up to direct stimulation by
touching or having him touch the labia, hood and surrounding areas first.
Some women allow for vaginal intercourse (allowing for their partner to
orgasm first) and then having their partner bring them to orgasm manually.

A lot of women find that "woman on top" position allows for enough pressure
on the clitoris to bring them to orgasm, or find it easier to manually
stimulate their clitoris themselves that way.  If you are willing, anal sex
may be a possibility.

Also, try peppermint oil or other types of massage oils that have a
"heating" effect by applying them directly on the clitoris and surrounding

And what is this about being ashamed of masturbating in a chair?  Do you
realize that in 90% of the upscale gentlemen's establishments, that at least
one dancer will incorporate a chair in their set and masturbate right there
in front of a room full of men?  For the most part, there is nothing that a
man loves more than to see a woman get herself off while he watches.  You
don't have to tell him what you have been doing.  Set it up like this... Put
on something that will really turn his crank or even better a white button
down men's shirt and a pair of heels and straddle a chair and look him in
the face and say "You know looking at you makes me wet as hell.  So why
don't you take off your clothes real slow while you watch me show you how
hot and horny you make me" (Hey, this is the "clean" version).  After you
have his attention, and you will, guide his hand down there and place your
hand on his and show him how you like to be touched.

That takes care of that part.

For a medical note, a painful clitoris can be a sign of a hormonal imbalance
that causes changes in the vulva skin covering the clitoris, an allergy from
soaps or certain toilet paper, a condition called Vulvodynia or a case of
adhesions.  These could all be a cause of the pain.  If you haven't already,
have a complete examination performed by a gynecologist to rule out any
medical problems.

A clitoris can get an engorgement of blood and cause pain like the male
version of blue balls during non-sexual periods of time.  This pain is
usually relieved by masturbation to release the tension.

It bugs her that her live-in lover looks at bestiality pictures
7/18/01 Q:  Dr Fitgerald

I am a divorced 27 years old woman who has been living with a divorced 31 year old man for 4 years.  I am not "prudish", I mean I watch porno movies with him, look at pictures online with him, and practice many styles of monogomous sex, including anal. I really enjoy our sex life.  now the question deals with animals, I quite often find he has been looking at beastiality pics, I have asked him why and he says that he finds them funny.  He even shares them with the men he works with.  It really bugs me.

Do alot of men like looking at beastiality stuff for other than sexual reasons?

A:   Some women fantasize about being raped and some men are fascinated by bestiality pictures.  It's partly a "big penis" thing, partly a "forbidden" thing, and partly unconscious anger at women as gatekeepers of sex.

So long as it is part of the picture and doesn't dominate it, it's just another sexual novelty.

I hope this helps.


How to spice up sex life with erotic talk?
7/18/01 Q:  Hello,

   I am a very happily married lady~~ to the same man for the past 12 years and have 2  children. (ages, 8-4.)  My husband and I have a wonderful love life but we would love to spice things up with some erotic talk.  I have told my husband this but we are both unsure of what to say.  Do you have any sites to recommend us to or any advice for us.  I appreciate any help.  Thank you in advance for any help you can offer.

A:  Few people who have not of their own experience learned erotic talk become comfortable with it.

You can try just saying exactly what you want using whatever words come to mind.

I prescribe reading to each other from Nancy Friday's books "Women on Top" and "Men in Love."

I also work with a couple to achieve sufficient disinhibition (often takes 7-10 therapy sessions) that they can shower and spend 15 minutes where one (the "King" or "Queen") tells the other ("dumb robot") exactly what to do to him/her, reverse roles for 15 minutes, then spend 5 minutes doing exactly what you want to, to your partner, then switch.  The ground rule, though, is that anyone can "respectfully decline" to do something or have something done to them that they just think is "too" disgusting.

Articulate 15 yo woman is attracted to older men and had a rape dream
7/13/01 Q:  Dear Doc, i read many of your answers and felt that writing you would be a good decision. I have 2 questions, and I hope you will answer both. I should give you some background. I am a 15 year old female. I have a stable home life and am close to my family members. I am a virgin and have never experienced any physical sexual act. I have although, had cyber and phone sex. Not that it matters much but i thought I should tell you. I have never been abused or assaulted. I have a 125IQ. I have a very developed body and I believe myself to be attractive. I am popular and have many friends. Psycologists have told me and my parents that I am very mature and open minded for my age. Please don't think this has made me conceited, it has just helped me maintain my self-esteem during the odd years of puberty.

Heres my first question: I had an innocent crush on my male grade 7 teacher. I ended up having the same teacher for grade 8. My crush continued. I began having vivid fantasies ! and dreams with ever changing plots. I masturbated, and still do, to the thought of having sex with him and him fondling me. (I do not think there is anything wrong with fantasies or masturbation.) But, I became upset and hurt. I felt he betrayed me by not taking advantage of me. Even while i felt betrayed part of me understood he didn't betray me because he had nothing to betray me about. Part of me understood he was married, my teacher, 32, and a father. The other half wanted to be held by him so bad. We had an exceptional student teacher relationship. A lot of times we were alone together. A few times I felt that maybe something was about to happen but then it didn't. The more classy he became and the more he held back, the more I liked him because the more I respected him. Nothing ever happened but now I am only attracted to men. Not 22 year olds, but like 35 or older. I only get aroused by men. Also, I don't get along well in romantic relationships with males my age. I ha! ve had many men approach me and I never do anything with them but that makes me like men even more. I just want to know if this is an obsession to have some one over power me. Am I wasting my adolescents? Am I deluding myself? Do I have sex issues?

My second question: Last night I had a dream that me, my older brother, and cousin were kidnapped by 2 40is year old men. We were brought to a very familiar place and one man had my brother at gunpoint. The other man was about to rape my 9year old female cousin. I offered to have sex with him to spare my family members. As he walked me to the bedroom he told me how sexy I was. ( I was never afraid or feeling threatened throughout the entire dream) He laid on the bed and told me to perform oral sex on him. I remember being in the physical position to perform his wish, and I remember the feeling that I had completed his demand but I have no actual memory of giving the blow job. I then stood up  and removed my shirt. He laid me gingerly on the bed, unzipped his and my pants. He than began having sex with me. I first I did not know how I felt about this but then I began to enjoy it. Sudd! enly I was on top, than back on the bottom. He continued to have sex with me and I had a huge orgasm. We had sex many more times. I then smoked a cigarette and watched him walk out of the room. Then I woke up. What does this dream mean? And does it have to do with my fondness of older men? This is not the first time I had a dream where I enjoyed being raped. When I was 9 years old I had a dream that I was put in a van with 2 men and they raped me. I remember enjoying it. Am I perverted? I don't think I am. Why do I have these sub-conscious thoughts that being abused and taken advantage of is so enjoyable? In reality, I know that this would be an awful experience. I don't think i would enjoy like masogonistic sex. I don't even know if I enjoy sex! I know I want to have sex eventually. I LOVE having orgasms. I am not ashamed of my sexuality, and of being a sexual being. I just want to know what is making me think this way. I doubt its entirely hormones.

I realize this has turned into a massive letter but I would be sooo appreciative if you answer my questions. Thank you so much for reading my letter. Please try to give me more than a 3 sentence answer.

A:  Many adolescents have intense crushes on teachers.  I think you would benefit from reading "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" by Peter Rutter, M.D. because it describes in great detail how women felt after having sex with an authority figure (and I'll bet it will surprise you).  ANY woman considering sex with an authority figure should read this book before deciding.

I urge you to control your behavior, however, because even if you take the initiative to kiss him (or even hug him in some places) this could be reported as child sexual abuse and he could lose his teaching credential and do prison time.

I think you would also enjoy "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday -- a compilation of women's fantasies.  I routinely prescribe this to inhibited women who read it while masturbating.  She has excellent commentary about rape fantasies:  having the man take control absolves you of the responsibility of sex.  Women who have been badly emotionally beaten up with "Nice girls don't like sex and those girls who do are sluts!"

Enjoy your sexuality and own it and be responsible regarding STDs and pregnancy and be sensitive that there are older men who would get so excited at the idea of sex with a 15 (or 16 or 17) YO that they would fuck you in a flash!

Different people have different attractions.  "Older men" is quite common!  Some guys are "breast, ass, or leg" men, and some women are "Harley biker, jock, or surfer" babes.

The advantage to a man in his 30's is experience and the maturity to appreciate you.  The disadvantage is the age itself.  If you are 18 with a 39 YO, keep in mind that when you are 40, he will be 61.

Truth be told, in a "perfect world," young men and young women would take as their first lover a 35-45 YO who would teach them the delicacies of sexuality, then send them back to find an age-appropriate mate.

One of the reasons men fantasize about sex with underage women is because they think she doesn't know any better and they can "have their way" with her without objection.

If you have surfed porno, there are many web sites offering women who shave their pubic hair off and dress in school girl uniforms (etc.).  Plus, the idea of being the first to "plow the field" is a conquest of sorts.

(I divulged some personal information to her privately in an e-mail, detailing some mistakes I made in life when I was absolutely convinced that I was making the right decision)

The point I am trying to make here (in what I wrote to her privately but have not included here) is that while you absolutely believe that you are equipped to make important decisions such as becoming sexually active, I guarantee that you will not know with certainty if your behavior was "best for you" until several years later.

I sent Chapter 11 because it contains some true stories from women regarding their later appraisal of the timing of becoming sexually active.  I think it would be one hell of an eye-opening experience for you to "research interview" a dozen women in their mid-twenties (old enough to have perspective and young/recent enough to accurately remember their early sex experiences) about their sexual initiation and their evaluation of it.

What hits ME over the head with real force is the women I have had in therapy who started intercourse at 13, 14, and 15, and who, by their late 20's to early 30's could care less about it.  No sexual desire.  A chore they <sigh> have to endure for the guy.  That one puzzles me because I have yet to figure out the psychodynamics of what inspires that!  The best I can come up with is that having sex when they were not yet more fully developed emotionally caused them to -- in their own minds -- cheapen the value of sex.  I suspect that this is related to why some women are traumatized by inappropriate sexual contact when young -- their emotional structure is simply not developed enough to comprehend the powerful emotions sex brings up.

With the right person, sex can be an incredible bonding and fulfilling experience that makes one feel totally loved.  The women who started early seemed to treat it as a ho-hum -- could if you want but curling up with a good book sounds better.

And so I wrestle with what to do with this information and ponder how to make sure that young women are informed consumers and have as complete an idea of what they need to know as possible.

(She writes to ask what I think of her ideas and informs me that she has had zero sexual contact because she has not found someone " ... that (she) should do these things for.")

If you will take this literally and not as a criticism, I think that you are a sophomore -- a wise fool.  That is, you know what you know but you do not know what you do not know.  I am not being circular here and that is not a typo.

In my best fantasy of being a 15 yo female, I absolutely would not find it attractive to be groped, pawed, and ejaculated on (prematurely, of course) by a 15-21 year old guy.  I would want a man with experience who would be patient and gentle and focussed on learning how to best please me, and mentoring in teaching me to be an excellent lover.

I would want to feel safe and comfortable enough to say anything or ask any question without fear of being laughed at or ridiculed.

I would want a man who would NOT lose his head over me -- and do anything I told him to do -- I would lose respect for him then.  (In slang that is called "pussy whipped," and for women who will do anything to get laid it is called "prick whipped.")

I would expect reciprocity and equality -- if he spent 15 minutes performing oral sex on me, I would expect to "return the favor" and have him give me instructive feedback on how I was doing giving him oral stimulation.

And so, (her name), it comes as absolutely no surprise to me that you have done nothing sexually.  You say that you have not found anyone that you "should do things for."  Please listen very carefully:  It would be a BIG MISTAKE for you to ever do something sexually because you "should."  You will know that you are mature enough when you are in a sexual relationship and you WANT to please your lover because it fills your heart with joy to see how immensely he is enjoying what you do to and with him.  And vice versa.

And I hope that that illustrates the non-critical reference to not knowing what you don't know.  By definition of your virginity, you cannot "know" what reciprocal sexuality is really like.  The vast majority of your sources of information and role-modelling are seriously flawed.  Surely the antics of Clinton and Condit serve only to publicly confirm that politicians lie and are hypocritical.  You really do not know what your parents whisper to each other when you can't hear what they say.  The movies and television are a joke when it comes to "true relationships." And so you, like all of us, have to gather as much advice as possible and sift through what feels like it fits, and take your best shot.  You WILL make mistakes.  Expect that.  Just make sure you learn from them.  "Those who forget the past are forced to relive it."

With the preface that the suggestion is seriously politically incorrect, I tell every young person mature enough to understand it, that their best course of action in sex and relationships is to 1) at some point after several heterosexual experiences,  have a same-sex experience so they have an idea of whether that fits better for them -- to avoid years of trying to fit into a heterosexual mold, and 2) have numerous experiences of sex with at least three lovers and live with at least one for at least 12 months to better determine what it important to you.  Too many people have come to me in great distress over sexual incompatibility.  Sexual desire discrepancy is rampant and it is so easy to determine before making major commitments.  And even then, there are no guarantees.

Female pregnancy question:  Can a woman artificially inseminate herself?
6/18/01 Q:   This may seem like a silly question, but is the only way a woman can get pregnant is through intercourse?  Is is possible for her to artificially inseminate herself?

A:  Hey, any way you get the sperm up you without damaging them will work.

Years ago I consulted on a case of a young woman with an imperforate hymen (swiss cheese) where no hole was big enough for a penis, who was pregnant.  Seems she was giving her boyfriend a hand job, and when he came, she was so excited she "frigged" herself with her semen-covered fingers, pushing semen through her hymen.  Damn if those little swimmers didn't find an egg and get inside!

The problem is in the delivery system.  You need something gentle enough not to perforate (puncture) the vagina, and neutral enough that neither by chemistry nor by mechanics will the sperm get damaged.

The applicators of spermicidal foam would probably work very well.  Washed in mild soap, rinsed thoroughly in distilled water (tap water has too much chlorine), and air dried, then with fresh semen sucked into it, it could be inserted as close to the cervix as possible and the plunger pushed.

Lots of luck!

Let me know what happens!

Women's masturbation:  low cost household items for masturbation?
6/18/01 Q:  hello....

   i was looking on the web for some sites that have the answer to my
question.The question is.......I was wondering if there is any handy items
around the house that can be used durring maserbation( im a female)  or any
tricks to creating something. I know males can tie a hankerchief around there
penis. It isnt so easy for a girl to do that. Or is it. Please respond soon.


A:  Lots of women use a pulsating shower head; some rub against the washer during the spin cycle.

Many women insert all kinds of things into their vagina -- a condom-covered zucchini squash or cucumber, for example, and some women really like wine bottles that have a progressively increasing diameter neck.  Hairbrush handles are OK only if they are really curved, not pointy, at the end.  The low-cost dildo is made by cutting a square of bubble pack -- the packing material in sheets that is like little pillows -- rolling it into a cylinder, putting tight rubber bands at each end, and covering it with a condom.  Try little versus big pillow bubble pack and be sure to use the condom.  Pubic hairs caught in the rubber bands can be very painful when plucked out mid-stroke.

Just make sure it is clean, you use plenty of lubricant, and it doesn't puncture your vagina!


Male Anatomy Question:  Leak during prostate exam
6/18/01  Q:  My boyfriend wont ask this but he had an episode at the Doctors office
while being examined by a new Company Dr who happens to be a woman. He
said he got an erection during the genital exam part, and to his shock he
felt some fluid escape from his penis when she inserted a finger into his
anus to check his prostate. He is shocked, and is now scared to go in for
his regular exam with his regular Dr. Is this rare? Or what?

A:  It is perfectly normal!  Some doctors will comment that it happens sometimes and to think nothing of it.  If he has not ejaculated in the last 4 hours it could just be accumulation of seminal fluid that gets pushed out by the doctor's finger.

Please ask him to relax


Women's orgasm matters;  HEY!  You think YOU got a problem relationship?  READ THIS!
6/18/01 Q:
Dear SexDoc,
I am a 28 year old female and I have been married for three years.  I have two children by my husband, a girl 22months and a boy 3 months.  We have been together five and a half years total.
I love my husband with all my heart and I know that he loves me but there must be something wrong with me.  I have never had a orgasim and it is driving me crazy! I used to think satisfying him was pleasure enough, but I think I was just deluding myself. I have always been emabarassed to tell him what I like but recently I have tried to be as blunt and to the point as possible but it still doesn't work.  He don't like to kiss, he hugs me very little, almost no foreplay and three quick thrusts later, he's done and says to me "Look what you done to it" and falls off into a coma leaving me humiliated, unsatisfyed, and upset.  I cry about it (I don't let him see that) but what can I do? I have bought books and left them where he could see what I was reading.  He does say he likes porno movies but what percentage of women look like those on the movies?  I am not fat, I am of average weight and height and I have never had any trouble with men not hitting on me.  I don't want my marriage to go down the toilet and I definitely don't want to live the rest of my life never knowing sexual pleasure.
I have bought the flavored lotions, every kind of condom know to man (he says that's like having sex with your clothes on), books, magizines, left sex stories in his lunch box, I don't know what else to do.  He won't think of counseling because 'there's nothing wrong with him'.  There has been periods of time like 6 or 8 months pass and he won't touch me.  And if he does and I don't drop right there as soon as he looks at me, he'll back off.  Just to be honest, I don't ever want to because I know that I will feel horrible afterwards and it won't last longer that 30 seconds anyway.  Am I destined to feel like I do now forever?

Please help....
Unsatifyed and desperate.

A:  1)  see the link to "Female Orgasm Matters" on my web page

2)  He is a rude selfish slob who is seriously inconsiderate of your feelings and who clearly does not care to please you.  Your only recourse is to challenge him regarding what your body wants and needs to see if he will comply.

Female Sexuality:  Sexual repression suspended; question about being "normal."
6/13/01 Q:  Am I normal?

Have just recently found your site, so far has been interesting reading :))

My husband and I have been married for 8 years now. I am 33 and he is 42.
We are very happily married with 3 children and love each other  very

When I was in my late teens, I would fantasise alot about things I would
like to do and my fantasies were always very vivid.  Over time, as I headed
into my 20's,  I learned to control these thoughts.  I was always bought up
to believe that doing anything out of the norm sexually was disgusting and
un-natural and perverted!  I didnt want to be thought of that way, so I hid
how I felt deep down inside.

For the first 6 years of our marriage I had very little interest in sex, it
bored me.  I would play with myself alot, loved to insert whatever I could
find in my pussy and fantasised still all the time.  I didnt think my
husband would approve, even though I knew that he wanted all that and more.
Couldnt quite accept that what I was feeling was okay or not!  After much
coercing from hubby over about 12 months, I allowed him to penetrate my ass,
and what a feeling I enjoyed it much more than expected.  Since then we have
experimented alot sexually and I have opened up to my husband about my
fantasies and desires.  We have been involved in a number of 3somes and 4
somes and have discovered that we both enjoy been bisexual.  I love to see
him with another man or woman, it is such a turn on, and he loves to see me
with another as well.  I am enjoying my life much more than ever before, but
I still keep getting this nagging feeling that what we are doing is wrong
and disgusting and perverted and totally unacceptable.  And yet I enjoy it
all so much!!

Thanks for listening

A:  I had to read the first sentence of your fourth paragraph several times before I inferred that by "sex" you mean penile-vaginal intercourse.

I am reminded of my very first sex case.  I was a graduate student at San Jose State in the school year 1965-1966.  Early in the Fall, four students approached me for closed group therapy -- just the four of them.  They rented a house together, and each night they would rotate who would have sex with whom -- boy 1 with girl 1, boy 2 with girl 2 one night, then the next night the girls would swap guys, then the third night the two guys were together (sexually) as were the two females.  They all loved it, and were on the verge of being smug that they were so liberal and enlightened.  The problem was that almost everyone they told or who found out, said that they were disgusting perverts, etc.

Well I took this to my clinical psychology classes, my supervisor, a psychiatrist I reported to at what was then Agnews State Hospital (where I was seeing a schizophrenic patient), and discussed it with just about anyone who would listen.  A wise older psychologist promised to tell me how to counsel these four college students.  "Suggest that they become much more selective about who knows.  Listen, as they describe telling other people, for verbal exhibitionism -- purposely 'pulling for' a rise, feedback that says 'Wow, you're special.'"  "In time," he said, "they will  have had their thrill from doing something naughty and unusual, and they will tire of soliciting emotional reactions, and they will mature and each will decide what he or she wants, because this is not stable."  "In fact, suggest that they tell no one for a month or two to separate out the reward inherent in the sexual swapping from the reward from people's reactions."

And that is what I told them.  Near the end of that school year, I ran into boy 1 and girl 2 on campus, and I asked how things were.  They said that a few months after they saw me last, they decided to try monogamy.  There were a few occasions when someone was away, and some swapping and trios came into play, but for the most part they ended up as them as a couple and boy 2 with girl 1 as a couple.

So when I read your e-mail, I was impressed by how well you have thrown off the shackles of Judeo-Christian repression.  Yes, the majority of people do think that what you are doing iswrong
and disgusting and perverted and totally unacceptable.  You have read the societal mainstream messages correctly.  But in the privacy of your home, you have the prerogative of doing what you want, and with whom, so long as there is no harm.  Some people reading this will think "Damn, I wish I could do that!" but their insecurities and jealousy will stop them.

My take is that you and your husband are exceedingly secure in your sexuality, solid in your respect and love for each other, and seriously uninhibited.  My only caution is the standard for sex when more than two people are involved:  inevitably one or two will want to do more or less than the second or third, and the incompatibility in frequency or activity can be disappointing.  But then, so are parts of life!

Enjoy, be safe, be private, and make sure the kids are insulated from the group activities, because if they innocently tell a bluenose, they could be taken away from you for "lewd and lascivious acts in the presence of a minor."  YOU'VE come a long way, baby, but society hasn't and they will want to ruin your fun if they find out.

Male sexual problems:  A fetish takes over!
6/9/01 Q:  Dear Dr Fitz,
i read a lot of your advice and as embarassed as I am, I decided that I need
some help.  I am 25 and so is my husband.  We have been married for almost 7
years and have two wonderful children.  The problem is that my husband is
so into the femdom (bdsm) fetish that he can't have sex with me normal
anymore.  It started out as handcuffs and has since grown into the full
dominatrix attire, and cbt equipment.  This is not what I signed up for.  At
first, I thought I would indulge his fantasies because they made him happy.
But as they say, you give an inch, they take a mile.  3 years after we
married, I found out he was writing emails and letters to other mistresses
and even had a secret stash of porn and a po box.  We worked it out and he
is not doing that again but now everytime he wants to play the game, I feel
sick.  Whenever, we have sex normally, he can't keep it up.  And recently he
made a comment that he wanted to have Property of Mistress **** tattooed on
his body.  This offends me because he has repetitively said he would not
tattoo my name or our kids name on him.  Last month, I decided to get a
divorce from him because my self esteem is shot and basically I just felt
like dying.  I don't even think I got off the couch for the entirety of
April.  The problem is that I do love him, and I care for him very much.  If
he gave it up (like he possibly could) sex with him would be very
disapointing and besides he sais he can't.  Am I doing the right thing, or
am I being too sensitive.  He has already said he won't get therapy because
he "doesn't need some quack telling him he is all messed up."
{Interestingly enough, I am studying to be a psychologist right now in
college, but I have always heard you should never diagnose yourself:)}
Please Help Me

A:  It's kind of like saying he has HIV but won't see a doctor to confirm the diagnosis or propose treatment!

The longer this goes on, the more entrenched it will become and the less likely he will back out of it.

When done occasionally, to "spice things up," it's fun.  When it MUST be done every time or he loses his erection, it is a serious problem.

I suggest that while you are still young and flexible that you give him the reasonable ultimatum of successful therapy (effective behavior change) or divorce.  If he then chooses his fetish over you, it will be he who made the choice.  If so, thank him for letting you know when you are young enough to move on with a more compatible partner.

Please let me know your reaction and what happens.

p.s.  You say:  "It started out as handcuffs and has since grown into the full
dominatrix attire, and cbt equipment."  For the blissfully unaware, cbt stands for Cock and Balls Torture.


Female orgasm matters:  Low desire and dislike of anal sex
6/8/01 Q:  Dear Doc,
I looked through your Q&A's and didn't find my problem answered. So I hope
you can be so kind to reply to me.  I'm 31 and my husband is 52.  We''ve been
married for 10 years and have three wonderful kids.  Before kids our sex life
was wonderful couldn't ask for anything better. Having the kids decreased my
desire because of the stress of kids but we exprimented and worked on it.
Then  a year ago I had a total hysterectomy because of systs and
endometriosis.  I take .05 hormone (climara) replacements and my labido is
gone. Do you think I need to increase my hormones to get the desire back?
Also, my husband has started to like anal sex.  I just can't get used to it.
I feel so awful afterwards and sometimes i cry not from pain so much but just
like I've been assulted or something. It doesn't do anything for me but I
will have anal sex to appease my husband.   From having the kids natural I'm
badly stretched out in my vagina and I'm not tight anymore so he likes anal
sex instead.  I have to agree about the looseness but  I don''t care for the
anal thing. Is there a solution to feeling better with anal sex?   help!

A:   If you don't have one, buy a vibrator, and bring yourself to orgasm every three days.   Do this seven or eight times (a 21-24 day spread) and there is a good chance you will have sexual desire "naturally."  If not, ask your OB-GYN for a hormone assay.

Many women absolutely adore anal sex because the tip of the penis nudges against the g-spot internally.

I suggest that the next several events of anal sex be conducted with simultaneous clitoral stimulation (however achieved -- your hand, vibrator, etc.) and that you strive to achieve orgasm while his erection is in your rectum.  This tends to condition the mind-body to associate pleasure (from clitoral stimulation and orgasm) with anal stimulation.  If this doesn't make it better for you, you'll have to decide if it's worth continuing it for the sake of his pleasure.

Please let me know what happens.


Female Orgasm Matters:  Female Ejaculation
6/6/01 Q:  I am a 42 year old female in a monogamous relationship with a 52 year old
man for the past 8 months.  Our sex life is absolutely incredible (for us
both) and my question revolves around my orgasms: when I climax (which is
often!) I have a tremendous release of fluid in my vagina (and
consequently all over -- very inconvenient!), almost like an ejaculation.
It feels wonderful both to my partner and myself, but I just wondered how
"normal" this is. It seems like the more it happens, the more it happens,
if you know what I mean... Is this just natural vaginal lubrication, or
can a woman "ejaculate" in any way? We wondered if I was just losing
bladder control, but the fluid is definitely not urine. I've never heard
of any friends discuss this, nor have I read of this anywhere. Thanks for
any information you can offer.

A:  Yes, this is perfectly normal, no it is not urine, and yes, it is indicative of profound sexual excitement.  While the precise anatomy and physiology has not been determined, the strongest explanation that makes sense to me is that this fluid comes from the transurethral sponge -- tissue that surrounds the urethra much like the prostate gland in males.

Many women who have female ejaculation also experience g-spot orgasms, and I encourage you to experiment with that and get back in touch!


No longer attracted to husband (but great libido!)
6/5/01 Q:  Dear SexDoc,

I am 37, have been married almost 11 years, have 2 sons ages 8 and 9.  for about the past 5 years or so, I have not been attracted to my husband in any way.  He does not abuse me, drink, do drugs, etc.  I just do not want to be near him, or have him touch me or have sex with me.  However, I fantasize about other men ALL the time.  I pretend I am with another man EVERY time we have sex.  I have been naughty/adventureous, and met some other guys online, and had sex with some of them.   This just seems much more exciting than sex with the husband.  We have bought books, and videos, etc., tried a night out, and all the usual advice.  Nothing really works.

When I was younger, I had several sex partners, and pretty much enjoyed all of them.  Are there a few people just not meant to be married?  And am I possibly one of them?


A:  You say you met some other guys online and had sex with some of them.  Cyber sex, phone sex, or skin to skin contact?

There are some men and women who have a seriously convoluted fear of intimacy that kicks in after a number of years and shows up as sexual repulsion.  And for some people, an affair gets twisted into "I don't want to have sex with you (spouse) because I have done something "dirty" and I wish to avoid "getting you dirty." -- Sort of an "I'm now unworthy of your pure love" thing.

But there is no way I can X-ray by e-mail.  You need to talk with a sex therapist in person to get to the bottom of this.


Female Orgasm Matters:  A woman who could achieve orgasm in only one way had a breakthrough and was kind enough to share with us!  Keep trying, ladies.
5/24/01 Update:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
       I have emailed you numerous times about not being able to achieve an
orgasm.  Well actually I was able to achieve orgasms only by lying down and
rubbing my thighs together tightly.. But i achieved an orgasm today without
purchasing any kind of vibrator or sex toy.. My boyfriend and i were having
sex so i decided to get on top and they way my clitoris i guess was rubbing
against his body made me start feeling this awesome sensation just as if i
was masturbating. i continued to have sex them wham!!!!! I had an orgasm.. It
felt good to know that it isnt anything wrong with me and its all about
getting the right place stimulated and the right amount of pressure.  But I
just wanted to tell you thank you for all the advice you have given me..
can't believe it

Relationships:  Jealous because boyfriend has nude photos of former gf
5/18/01  Q:  Hi SexDoc,
     Hope you are doing well.  I have written to you many times and have
always found your advice helpful.  My question this time is a simple one but
I am very uncertain about how to handle the situation.  I am a 20 year old
female and I just started a new relationship about 4 months ago.  He told me
that he has in his possesion, nude photographs of an ex-girlfriend.  It makes
me very upset that he still has them.  Would it be wrong for me to ask him to
get rid of them?  I think it's weird that he still has them and it makes me
wonder why.  I dont want him to feel like I'm trying to control him by asking
him him to throw them out, but at the same time, I dont want him to have
them.  It makes me feel jealous.  Because of the fact that he wont throw them
out makes me think he still enjoys looking at them.  Are my feelings wrong??
Please give me some suggestions on how to handle this.  Thank you for your

A:  You say both "would it be wrong of me to ask him to get rid of them?" and "...the fact that he won't throw them out...."  From that I infer that he has not thrown them out based on his own conclusion that he "should" do so, and that you have not (yet) communicated to him your wish that he dispose of them.  Please be clear that there is a huge relationship difference between "he hasn't thrown them out," and "I have asked him and he won't...."

Many guys have a "stash" of erotic material that they look at or read as an aid to masturbation, and the sources are far and wide, from lingerie ads in the local newspaper to downloads from the internet, centerfolds of magazines, and sleazy magazines and paperbacks available practically anywhere.  What makes THIS different, though, is that it is nude photographs of his ex-girlfriend.  If there are other behaviors that make you feel insecure, I suggest that you address the global question of his commitment to you and his sincerity and fidelity.  If this is isolated, I suggest that you address your own self-confidence.  So to key into your questions, it is insufficient to "stop" at an acknowledgment that you are upset that he still has them.  The question is why?  If you suspect that he might dump you and go back to her, his "carrying the torch" for her is an insult to you.  If he and she were sexually active, the pictures might be nothing more than fond (and erection-producing) memories.  He probably does enjoy still looking at them if he associates the images with enjoyable sexual feelings.  Are your feelings wrong?  Feelings are neither "right" nor "wrong."  They are based on certain foundations of belief.  If you believe he would prefer being sexual with her to being sexual with you, you are justified in feeling hurt and insulted.  If you believe that his looking at the pictures are fond memories of what once was, and that you turn him on in person, I suspect that they might not be perceived as threatening to your relationship.

Maybe he's sentimental and if he ends up with nude pictures of you, he'll gaze lovingly at them when he is in his next relationship.  But the bottom line is that because we are bombarded with erotic images and can seek out more easily, attempting to "legislate" what he looks at will likely cause problems.  In the words of one of my patients, referring to her husband's looking at other women:  "Dr. Fitzgerald, I don't care where he gets his appetite, so long as he eats all of his meals at home."

And finally, I strongly urge you to weigh his behavior toward you as the best indicator of the quality of the relationship.  If he lets you know that you are special, and his one and only, and that he loves making love with you, etc., I suggest that you not care whether he is looking at nude pictures of anybody (specifically including a former girlfriend) when he is not with you.  And along the same lines, if he gives you reason to feel insecure, his possession of those pictures will not sway the circumstance in any important way.  To go one step further, IF you feel insecure, the pictures could just be a symbol -- a concrete thing to point to -- to encapsulate your insecurity, and his disposing of them, in the absence of behavior change, will be only a brief salve on the wound of insecurity.  You and he can think about anything and anybody, but you and he are choosing to be together.  I hope this helps.

Female intercourse problems:  too wet and too much noise
5/17/01 Q:  hello
I am 22 years old & am having alot of problems having sex.  Me & my boyfried have been going out about a year & 2 months. He got me into trying vibrators.  I like them so much that I would masturbate at least once to three or four times a day.  About 7 months ago I started becoming very lubricated during sex.  So much that we have to stop a couple of time during sex to wipe me off. I also can barely feel anything because I have become extremely lose & very very wet.  It is so bad now that After the first initial trust I become extremely wet & lose that i can't feel anything for the rest of the time we have sex.  All my partner can feels is wetness & wamth.  He doesn't feel my walls.  Also during sex the noise from my wetness is very disturing & gross & loud.  I finally decided that there is no point to having sex anymore.  My  boyfried can come every time but he pretty much has to think about something else to do it. I have talked to two doctors & they have no idea what I am talking about.  I told them to talk to other people to see if they know anything & one never got back to me so I take it no one else knows anything.  Please help me.  I would really like to have sex again.  It's pretty bad at age 22 that i would be this lose & wet.  I haven't use the vibrators since i started having this problem figuring that that what was causing my problem.  I've trying doing that kegger exercise but it is so hard to do & would take a long time to strenthen my muscles.
please respond.
thank you

A:  (Dr. Fisher)  I doubt that the vibrator has anything to do with your problems.  Wetness is
a natural response and there is little you can do about it.  Some forms of
birth control pills can cause excessive wetness.  If it is a terrible
problem during sex, try inserting a tampon during forplay and taking it out
just before he inserts is penis in your vagina.

Noises, you got to love them..really.  The porn industry thrives on them.
Wetness and noises are caused by the vagina "tenting" or becoming larger in
response to arrousal.  The more you want it or like it, the more wet and
noisy you get.  Kegel exercises take a while to work, you usually start to
feel a difference after six weeks.  It takes time.  If you are having
problems doing them, chances are you are weak in the pelvic floor muscles
and need to do them!

You may need to try different positions that gives him a deeper penetration.
Doggy style, woman on top, spooning are good positions to try.

How to overcome the gag reflex to deep throat
4/30/01 Q:  Thank you for your website.  It's a wonderful opportunity to learn, and I find your straightforward answers and kind, non-patronizing attitude very refreshing.  Keep up the good work.  This is information and perspective that's sorely needed by many of us.

I'm am a 44 year old female and my gentleman friend is age 45.  This is a serious relationship that will probably result in marriage.  We have been dating for almost 1 year.

Our physical relationship is wonderful and full of variety.  Both of us enjoy sexual activity a great deal and he is a wonderful lover and a very soulful person.

As the result of an accident 5 or 6 years ago, he suffered some spinal injury which has resulted in a change in the way his body perceives sensation; he is more responsive to, and aroused by, stimulation around the base of his penis and testicles than by stimulation to the glans.

We enjoy oral sex and I would like to learn how to deep throat him, as I believe this may give him the stronger handling he needs and, by taking his penis into my throat, would put my lips at the base of his penis and provide more stimulation to that area.   The problem is that I have the gag reflex from hell.  Despite a few spontaneous attempts, I've not been able to tame this reflex.  My attempts have been helter-skelter, disorganized, and unschooled.

I consider myself to be fairly skilled at fellatio and I know there are "workarounds" to performing the deep throat technique.  His previous girlfriend (he broke up with her 5 years ago) was able to perform this technique and he tells me that he found it extremely pleasurable.  He does not insist, nor even hint, that he expects me to accomplish this, but I would like to find a way to do this for him, if possible.  His penis is not extremely large - about 7 inches erect and 1.5 inches in diameter.

I've read about people (can't attest to the veracity of the stories) who, through training and persistence, learned to overcome (desensitize?) their gag reflexes and were eventually able to perform this technique.

Is it possible to subdue the gag reflex through practice?  If so, how would one go about doing this?  There seems to be a training program for everything else...why is it so difficult to find info on how to go about doing this?

There are certainly quite a few "educational" videos on fellatio and deep throating.  However, I've not found one that tells you *how* to go about it - how to work on the gag reflex and how to actually perform the technique (i.e. angle of mouth, how to take the penis in, etc.).

Btw, my gag reflex has also been tough on my dentist when he works on those back molars. :-)

Any suggestions/answers are appreciated.  Thank you very much.

A:  (Dr. Fisher contributes:)  Not everyone can master deep throating.  It takes practice.  There are a few tricks to doing it.

First, practice!  Buy a dildo that is about the same size of his erection
and practice while you are alone.  Insert as much of the dildo as possible
until you gag.  At that point, remove the dildo and observe how your body
reacted at that point....what were you feeling or thinking.  Repeat the
insertion until you can get it a little deeper into your throat.  If buying
a dildo is uncomfortable, use a brush handle or toothbrush.

Make sure there is A LOT of saliva to lubricate the throat and the penis.
Try flattening out your tongue as much as possible (practice in the mirror)
to make the opening to the back of the throat bigger.  As you are taking his
pemis in keep it to the top of your mouth with pressure.

And the biggest and most helpful tip is positioning.  Use a position that
allows your mouth and throat to be angled in a straight line  with one
another.  If you lay on the bed with your head dangling off the side or the
back, he can stand and insert his penis in your throat and the pressure
sometimes allows you to take the penis without the gag reflex.

Nina Hartley, the porn star, has some great instructional videos on the
subject of oral sex and deep throating.  You can find them in most sex
shops, bookstores or some video rental places.

If you find that deep throating is impossible, go directly to the source or
place that gives him the most pleassure and focus on that spot.  If you wrap
a hand around the base and take as much of the penis as you can in your
mouth, most men are just as pleased with this as with deep throating.
Sometimes with spinal injuries many men find that anal stimulation during
oral sex can be enjoyable.  You may try to insert a well lubricated finger
or two in his anus and make a "come here" movement with the fingers to
stimulate his prostate gland while giving him head.

5/1/01 She writes again:  Dear Dr. Fitz,

Thank you so much for all your help.  You are such a doll to give so much of
your time and energy to helping people with sexuality issues.

A hearty thanks to Dr. Fisher too.  Her advice validates what I had heard
from less reliable sources -- that one can indeed learn to desensitize the
gag reflex.  Her invaluable advice on *how* to go about it is a great help;
it provides a plan and a method to be employed in order to reach the goal.

Now that i've had time to think about it, I recall reading something about
bulimics who trigger their gag reflex to make themselves vomit -- that is,
over time, it becomes more difficult for them to stimulate themselves to
throw up.  I assume that this is due to the gag reflex becoming less
sensitive with frequent stimulation.

My work is cut out for me.  My gag reflex is extremely sensitive and easily
triggered so it could be weeks, even months, before it gets under control.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Thank you again, and keep up the good work!

Wife has lost interest in sex.  How to "kick start" the hormones
4/27/01 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitzgerald:
My wife has a total lack of sexual desire, consequently, we have'nt had sex
of any kind for almost 6 years. I have resorted to masterbation, but have
decided that this is not the way I wish to spend the rest of my life. Nor do
I wish to be celibate. I'm am currently flirting with women that are even
marginally attractive, and will respond to the first offer I get. I must say
that I would much rather have, and long for this physical closeness with my
wife, but can no longer plead for it. She has questioned her OB about this
problem and he blames it on hormonal levels, but the changes he has made in
her "pill" have done absolutely nothing to cure the problem. We have
discussed the situation and she keeps assuring me the situation will improve,
but I'm beginning to believe that it is just a way of her illustrating her
dominance over me. This doesn't happen exclusively in our sexual relations
but in our financial and child rearing relations as well. I am also sure that
she would never be open to thearapy, and would be angry and defensive if I
were to suggest it. This is having a serious effect on our marital harmony,
and the future outlook is bleak. This is creating a child-like response in me
in that I now refuse to do anything around the home that I don't "feel like"
doing. Things get done in their own time, but it's when I decide to do it,
not when she wants it done. What are my alternatives other than the ones
previously stated, or the ultimate alternative divorce, to my problem? Thank
you for your time.

A:  She is probably conflicted about this as well.

Tell her what you told me.  Tell her you wrote to me (or print and give her a copy of this e-mail).

What she should do, IF she truly wishes to address this problem, is get a vibrator if she doesn't own one, and when her menstrual flow stops, use the vibrator to bring herself to orgasm every 3 days like clockwork until she starts her next menstrual flow.  That should "kick start" her hormones and if that was the problem, I would expect her to be horny soon after that second period is over.

If she won't do that, or she still isn't horny, you have a problem that needs professional intervention.

Fetishes -- Need to fantasize about foreign objects being inserted into a vagina
4/27/01 Q:      I am not able to orgasm during masturbation or intercourse without
fantacizing about a man putting things like live frogs or cigarette butts or
grass or trash into a woman's vagina.  This has been going on since I was
12.  (I'm now 36)

    I even once put the contents of my parents' car ashtray into my vagina.

    What is wrong with me?  Do I need sex therapy?

A:  This is a fetish and I encourage an assessment by a sex therapist in consideration of how entrenched, and thus how modifiable, this is.

Please do NOT put any more foreign objects in your vagina.  You can get very bad infections doing that.

Three-way sex -- A MUST READ for everybody!
2/26/01 Q:  My boyfriend, who i live with, have been together almost three years.  We
have recently started talking about what would happen if either of us had
sex with another person while the other one was there, either participating
or watching.  i have never been with a woman, but sometimes my fantasies
include them.  i know that the idea of being with me and another woman has
always turned him on, i just didn't know if i would be pychologically okay
with all of it afterwards.  we also talked about me being with man and he
said he would be okay with it as long there was girl he was with at the same
time.  anyway, we never really talked serious about it, just sort of joked
around.  well, you guessed...the other night we were drinking (heavily) with
some friends and we all ended up in the jacuzzi.  my good girl friend was
there as was his best friend.  to make a long story short, my friend started
kissing me and it escalated to her going down on me.  her back (and bottom)
were facing the direction of my boyfriend.  he was so turned on and i saw
the he was touching her and putting his fingers inside her under the water.
i was okay with it or so i thought and i mouthed the words, "fuck her " to
him.  he asked me if i was sure and i said yes.  so he started to and i
freaked out and jumped out of the jacuzzi.  his best friend had gotten out
of the jacuzzi sometime while this was going on and was lying on the bed.
my boyfriend jumped out and ran after me.  it gets a little fuzzy here, but
i remember telling him to go make sure my friend was okay because she hadn't
come out in the room with all of us and i knew she was really drunk.  well
when he went to go check on her, i crawled in bed with his friend (i think i
was trying to get back at my boyfriend).  he walked back in and saw us
kissing.  yada, yada, yada, i looked over and he was having sex with my
friend.  i never had sex with his friend, he was too nervous and knew i was
doing it out of anger so he was never able to get erect.  after i saw my
boyfriend cum, i ran out of the house and we fought for hours.  it was a
horrible experience and now i keep replaying the images in my mind over and
over.  my question is how to get past this?  my boyfriend and i love each
other very much and we know that this was a horrible thing that can never
happen again, but how do we move on?
i don't have anyone to talk to about this and i thought you might have a
thank you for your time.

A:  I am sure that there is too much damage, confusion, and chaos for you two to resolve this without professional help.  See a sex therapist.

Erection problems -- Constant nocturnal erections
2/26/01 Q:  This is a problem in reverse (maybe), but I assure you I am totally
I am 59 and stopped having sex about 5 years ago, as it was becoming hard
for me to maintain an erection.
Recently however I find that when I sleep at night I have an erection most
of the time.  It goes away awithin a few minutes of waking, but any time I
wake during the night I always have it, and it is very solid indeed.
I fear that if I try making love it will not last, but why should I
suddenly experience this?

A:  Difficult for some to comprehend, erection is the "normal" state of affairs for the penis and suppression of the erection is actively going on most of the time.  The erection is oxygenating and feeding penile tissues.  It probably would go away if you attempted intercourse.  See if you can masturbate to orgasm when you wake up.

Dr. Fisher's reply:  There could be a number of reasons you are experiencing erections of this
measure.  First, it is worth stating that science has yet to find an answer as to exactly why or how the nocturnal erection works, but we do know that most nocturnal erections take place during the Rapid Eye Movement(REM) stage of sleep.  This is usually the heaviest sleep period and the mind does crazy things during this time.  It could be caused by "thoughts" that you have during sleep that you don't remember or it could be from the tactile sensation of the sheets in your bed touching your genitals.  A large majority of hormonal activity takes place during sleep and as a man ages, there is a reduction of testosterone.  Your hormones may be a little off.  Also remember that certain prescription drugs, medical conditions, and alcohol and tobacco use, can affect how and when an erection works.

Can you stay hard long enough to have intercourse?  Why don't see if you can masturbate to orgasm the next time you wake up with a woody.  Chances are if you can maintain an erection long enough to climax, you probably can do the same with a partner.

Dr. Fitzgerald asked Dr. Fisher if prolonged nocturnal erections would be considered priapism, which is pathological.  Her reply:  It is not considered Priapism unless it is an erection that lasts for more than 30 minutes coupled with pain and discomfort.   Nocturnal erections that last long periods of time are of no great risk as long as they resolve on their own.

STDs -- Questions about HPV
4/26/01 Q:  i contracted HPV a few years ago while in college.  this particular campus
was unfortunately overrun with the virus.  since then, i've been treated via
condylox and the freezing of the warts.  i've been using condylox at home for
the past few years and this works well.  however, they never seem to
completely go away.  that is, the warts will visably disappear following
treatment, but they will return in a few months to half a year later.

is this recurrance normal and will i have to deal with it for the rest of my

what are the risk factors for penile cancer with HPV?  what are the risk
factors with using condylox, a seemingly caustic substance?  are freezing the
warts any less deleterious?

i understand that there are different "strains" of HPV that can be
genetically identified and that some have been found more lethal than others.
 should i consider this genetic testing?

thank you for your site and advice


A:  (Chance Fisher, MD:)  Once you get HPV you have it for life because you will always harbor the virus in your body.  Some people get visible warts once and never again, while others continually have breakouts.  Any stress on the immune system will generate a breakout.

There are a variety of treatments to remove warts.  No one treatment is better than the rest and most have very mild damage to tissues.  There is a new medication called Aldara that seems to work really well.  It is a cream that you use three times a week at bedtime.  It can be used up to sixteen weeks.  It gets rid of  warts and then kills the virus in the upper layer of skin tissue to help the immune system fight the virus and thus, cause the virons to go into a latent state.

There are many strains.  Most common are HPV 6 and 11 which are non cancer causing.  Strains 16, 18, 33, 35 and 45 can cause cancer.  BUT there is a very very low cancer rate due to HPV virus.  Penile cancer is detectable very early by skin tissue changes detected by the patient.  You have a better chance of getting penile cancer from smoking than you would from HPV. I would not be overly concerned at this point about cancer.  As long as you keep the warts under control and notice any skin changes in the penis and seek the advice of a doctor, testing for the specific DNA strain of infection is not needed.  The cancer issue is more important to women in which cancer of the cervix is dangerous and sometimes not detected until too late.

Birth Control -- How to get BC pills when too young
4/26/01 Q:  hi. I am wanting to get on birth control, and i want to tell my parents
but i dont think that they could handle that. is there any way i can get
them on my own without their consent? like is there any place my boyfriend
could bring me, like a clinic? or is there OTC pills? thanks for your

A:  No OTCs but tell your doctor that you have painful, heavy, and irregular menstrual periods (wink wink) and if he or she is savvy, BC scrip and explanation why to parents will follow.  Also call your local Planned Parenthood and your County Health Department and ask them what's available.

Fetishes -- Man gets off wearing panties and having a dildo in his ass.  Problem?
4/26/01 Q:    my husband likes to dress in womens silky clothing and be made love to
wearing womens panties he also would like me to refer to this area as his
pussy cock being his clitorus while i pull his panties aside and insert a
rubber dildo into his ass  talking to him as if he were a woman.   we have
done this on a few occasions  and when i grow tired of the game (quickly)
I can usually say something erotic that makes him come in his panties just
to get things overwith.  lately during our "normal" sex he has been making
reference to these times it seems in order to cum  what are your thoughts.
he has a really strange mother one gay brother   he also acts extremely
masculine and somewhat rough exterior if you know what i mean

A:  Sounds like some conflict and confusion but I see nothing wrong with it if you are OK going along with it.  Figure out something "special" you want him to do to you to balance things.  Different people have different turn-ons and I see no harm in this.  My encouragement is that you characterize it as something he obviously enjoys, that does nothing for you, but that you do for him because you love him.  Some men use that same characterization for giving oral sex to their partner.

Female Orgasm Matters -- Burning and urination following vibrator use
4/26/01 Q:  I am a little embarrass to ask this question, but it is necessary for me
to find out if I am doing something wrong.
Some of my friends intorduced me into buying sex toys and I got me a
vibrator. I am married and have sex frequenly and no problems. But I
started using the vibrator in the clitoris area and the pleassure or the
sensation  is so strong that it makes me urinate. I kind of like the
sensation but I have a problem that after I do it I have a burning
sensation that last for days . It makes me urinate with many times
(frequency) lets say 10 times after doing it . The sensation is as if it
ticklkles or burns. Is it something wrong happening to my clitoris area.
Is it wrong for me to do this? should I stop. It is not fun to have this
burning-urinating sensation please help me... Is it something that I can
apply  like a lotion or cream to stop this sensation? or should I stop
using the vibrator?
I appreciate any comments on this issue. But please answer me as soon as
possible. Thank you

A:  (Chance Fisher MD:)  No, you are not doing anything wrong or damaging.  If you have previously not used a vibrator, chances are that the sensation and stimuli to the clitoris seem a little overwhelming.  Since the nerves in the pelvic area are in close range of both the reproductive and urinary tract, it is likely that the urination is a response to the stimuli to those nerves.  Nothing to worry about.

You are probably receiving a sensation overload.  Try to use the vibrator on low or try using it with your underwear on.  [Dr. Fitzgerald interjects:  many women have reported using a dry washcloth because the number of layers can be adjusted for optimum response.]  You do not need to use it directly on the clitoris if you do not wish in order to receive pleasure. Try inserting it in the vagina and then for a while on the outer labia and clitoris.  Rotate the areas that you use it on.  The burning may be an irritation factor from just using the vibrator.  Make sure that the vibrator is not made of materials that you are allergic to, such as latex.

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