Sex and Relationships

Sexual Dysfunction

Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality

Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

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Answer page #15

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4/28/99 Q:
Dear Sex doc,
     I am a 15 year old female and I have been going out with my boyfriend
for about 3 months. He is 21 and my parents don't know about him. When we
first started dating our relationship was good. We were good friends and our
sexual relationship was fine. After about the first month, he started getting
horny more often and would call me up to have phone sex, which I have never
done before. I was talking to him earlier today and he asked me if the next
time I came over to his house (which is in 2 days) if I would have
intercourse with him. I want to becuase I love him, but there are a few
reasons why I am hesitant. One is the age thing and another is I don't want
to get pregnant or get any diseases or anything. I would definately use
protection and everything, but I am still a little scared. I don't want him
to think I am prude or anything. What should I do? Thanx~~kid~~

A:   Follow your heart's caution.  Don't do it!

You have plenty of time to become sexual.  If you get a disease or pregnant it will royally mess up your life!

Plus, it is statutory rape.  If you get discovered, he will go to jail.

Tell him to have sex with someone over 18 or, if he truly loves you, to wait until your 18th birthday.

Please get back to me with your reactions.


4/16/99 Q:  Dear Dr. Fitz,
My boyfriend (who was my first) and I started having sex about 7 months ago, and I have never achieved an orgasm or any other type of feeling.  My problem is, I'm beginning to think that I am one of the 40% of women that can't have an orgasm through penile insertion (is that the correct way to say it?), but I don't know what else to do.  We have tried oral sex and him fingering me, but still, nothing happens.  Could you possibly tell me where the clitoris is (now I feel stupid for asking that, but hey)?  I have no idea.  This is very frustrating.  Is it possible that I just can't have an orgasm?  I wasn't abused as a child or anything, for I heard that that could be a reason that I never had an orgasm.  Also, my boyfriend says that other girls that he was with have had an orgasm, and I believe him because of what he does in bed.  We also have tried various positions, but nothing happens.  What's the problem with me?

A:  You need to learn how to give yourself an orgasm, then teach him.

Your clitoris is under a sheath of skin just above where the urine comes out.  It should feel especially good when rubbed -- hard or lightly depends on the woman.

Get a vibrator and explore around that area.  The clitoris should feel really good when stimulated with a vibrator.

If you can't find it, go to the library and look in a book on human sexuality.

Then, you have an orgasm before, during, or after his, with clitoral stimulation during (or before or after) intercourse!

Let me know what happens!


4/14/99 Q:
Dear Doc,

I would appreciate if you can tell me where is the hymen in the vagina
located and how does it looked like. I have been trying to search for
information on this topic for a very long time but I couldn't get any

I would also like you to help me with the following questions that is
bugging for sometime now until I found your  website.

1. Is the hymen considered intact if pain is experienced when the finger
is trying to penetrate into the vagina?

2.Would a hymen considered being torn if a finger can penetrate into the
vagina and there is no blood?

3.Why is it that the girl complained of extreme pain when I tried to
insert my penis instead of the finger?

4.Can rubbing on the private part with the finger result in torn hymen?

Hope to hear from you soon.


A:  The hymen is an approximately coircular piece of tissue just inside the opening to the vagina.  It can be essntially non-existent, a semi-circular ridge, like swiss cheese (sorry about that), or almost completely solid.  It can be there when young and gone later, all by itself.  Or it can stay until torn by any object (finger[s], tampon, penis, etc.) bigger than the open part.

A woman can experience pain from pressure on, or tearing of,  the hymen OR, more frequently, from the attempt to dilate the introitus (opening to the vagina) when she is tense and is clenching her pelvic muscles to prevent anything from getting into her vagina.  This can be conscious or autonomic (like heart beating).  If anxiety-caused, and repeated, it is called "vaginismus" and just like a "charlie horse" is painful in the calf, vaginismus can be extremely painful between the legs.

If a woman believes that pre-marital pregnancy is extremely shameful, or that "nice girls don't" and must be a virgin at marriage, I would expect her to resist vaginal penetration, consciously or unconsciously.

Here is an update received 4/12/99 -- I thought lots of people would want to know.

From  1/21/99:   >Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,
>  >First of all, thank you for providing this service!
>  >I am a 32 year old virgin female.  I find direct nipple stimulation from
>  >partners, either by fingers or mouth, to be very uncomfortable and
> oftentimes
>  >painful.  I sometimes enjoy touching my nipples when I masturbate, but I
> have
>  >difficulty tolerating anyone else touching them.  My male partners have
> been
>  >very gentle, but sucking or digitally manipulating my nipples is
>  uncomfortable
>  >for me and sometimes causes a shooting pain down my torso.  Once I am
> aroused
>  >to the point of orgasm I enjoy having my nipples stimulated, almost
>  >in fact, as long as I am being stimulated in the genital region
>  >simultaneously.
>  >Is there any way I can desensitize my nipples, or could you suggest
>  techniques
>  >for my partners to try that might be more enjoyable for me?  I am in a
>  >somewhat new relationship and do not want to rush into genital
>  >but we are both frustrated that I cannot enjoy having my nipples touched.
>  >Thank you.
>  >
>  >

My reply then: writes:
>  Unfortunately, with the exception of experimentation with topical
>  anesthetic creams, no.
>  People are "wired" neurologically in strange ways.  I had a patient 30
>  years ago who had an orgasm from only having the small of her back rubbed
>  with a  circular motion!  And another who had uterine contractions from
>  light strokes on the sides of her neck!
>  Some people go nuts at the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, while it
>  leaves others unaffected.  Yes, there are threshold phenomena such as what
>  you describe when you are simultaneously genitally stimulated, but as for
>  solo first touch, you're stuck with your unique wiring.
>  I wish I had other information for you.
>  If you find something that works, PLEASE let me know so I can share the
>  information with others!
>  sexdoc
Beth now writes:

4/12/99  Dear Dr. Fitzgerald:
I wrote to you recently for your advice on a problem I have regarding overly
sensitive nipples (I included both of our letters below).  You asked me to
write to you if I figured out a solution.
I purchased a small vibrator that is attached to a harness.  I strap this on
to stimulate my clitoris, and my boyfriend can then stimulate my nipples as
much as he wants without causing me any pain or discomfort.  Because the
vibrator has a power unit that is handheld, I can adjust the amount of
stimulation to my clitoris.  This gives me a feeling of control, so that I
can relax completely while my boyfriend fondles my breasts.  I know that
using a vibrator can desensitize the clitoris, but I am hoping that I will be
able to wean myself off of it eventually.  (In fact, the vibrations were too
strong so we found that placing a washcloth or folded paper towel between the
vibrator and genital region works well to decrease the strength of
vibrations.)  I think that one reason I experience such discomfort when my
nipples are stimulated is that I have come to associate stimulation to this
area with pain.  Hopefully I will be successful in replacing these
associations with pleasurable feelings.
This certainly isn't a perfect solution, as my boyfriend must wait for me to
get "accessorized" before he can begin to fondle my nipples.  However, he was
ecstatic that he is able to do this at all, and doesn't mind the wait.  So if
you hear of anyone else who has a similar problem, please let them know about
this as a possible solution.

Thank you,

4/10/99 Q:
Dear Dr. Fitz,
Lately I have been talking with some of my male friends about orgasims
and they have explained to me how it feels on the males behalf (I'm
female by the way).  Well, lately my boyfriend and I have been doing
things with eachother and we both would like for me to have an
orgasim.  The only problem is that I have not a clue what they feel
like and this confusses me greatly.  I would appriciate it if you
could explain to me what a female orgasim may feel like so that I may
be able to relax and to enjoy my sexual experience to the fullest.
Thank you,
Blue  :)

A:   Dear Blue,

The essence of orgasm for both sexes is involuntary pelvic muscle contractions that are eight-tenths of a second apart.  Some people have as few as 3; others have 15-25.

If you have two fingers in your vagina and spread them apart (gently), and your clitoris gets stimulated, IF you have an orgasm you will feel the muscles that surround your vagina squeeze on those fingers, trying to put them together.

Focus on the clitoris to get to orgasm. Learn how to do it to yourself, then teach your lovers.

If you still have problems, get a copy of "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.

Let me know what happens.


4/7/99 Q:  hello sexdoc,
   My name is Charlie and I am a twenty year old male. My
girlfriend is 19 years old and we are both in college. We are both virgins
and very in love with eachother.  The other night I was fingering my
girlfriend with just my finger inside and not stimulating her clitoris. We
wanted to try and make her climax without stimulating her clitoris she was
getting really into it and she said it felt really good, but all of a sudden
she started to cry we talked and i held her for a while and then she relaxed
and went to sleep. she didn't cry that hard and she didn't even know why she
was crying. she was even laughing when she was crying. she asked me if it was
normal and if she was weird for doing it. i told her no and that it was
perfectly normal. In truth I have no idea what went on. I just didn't want
her to feel bad or anything. we have fooled around once since, due to us
going to two different schools. We had no problem but then again I just
stimulated her clitoris until she came. I would appreciate your response
thank you. you can respond to the e-mail address I wrote you from.

A:  Different men and women have different reactions to intense stimulation and/or orgasm.  Some are "screamers", some lose bladder or anal sphincter control (no lie), some laugh, and some cry.  Strange things happen.  And it doesn't mean that the they are happy or sad --- just intensely emotional.

4/7/99 Q:
Dr. Fitz:

Thanks for the advice about condoms.  I did the experiment and you
are right, those things can hold a lot.  I even used the cheapest I
could find, (50 cents for 2 out of the college dorm vending machine).
Plus you are right about the hole in it too.  It was very good to
see what you were talking about instead of just trying to visualize.
I wear a condom right, doing everything they say to do, plus use
lube, and so far it has worked great.  You are also right about
ejaculating inside her, it was a very emotional and intimate
experience and made it "better" for me ten fold.

I have another question to ask you.  This is a psychological question
that you may enjoy.  This really isn't a problem of mine, but more of
an interest.  I mean, I don't think any guy or girl would call this a
problem.  Well, my girlfriend and I have been having sex pretty
steadily since I first wrote you.  At first, it was more of an
initmate, emotional experience that we wanted to share, and even
further bond us.  For us, it was something we hadn't done, felt we were ready for,
but we were also both very careful because we weren't totally sure
where it would leave us as a couple, like many people I am sure
experience.  My point is that it wasn't more for the pleasure, but
for the love if you know what I mean.  Well, like many people our
first time wasn't that good, and that was OK, so we have done it many
times since.  After the first time, I have gained a lot of endurance,
but she is orgasiming every single time.  Very intense, almost
violent organisms where she gets dizzy and faint afterward. I know
she is not faking either because of her coloration, sweat and the
fact that she can't stand up afterward.  This has happened every
single time since our first time.  I honestly think that she enjoys
it more than I do. I am not overly endowed as far as genitalia,
very, very average, but I have been able to last for a half an hour.
We don't do anything kinky, just basic sex with me on top and her on
the bottom.  Kind of like a spread eagle for her (please excuse the
explicitiness) and we do lots and lots of foreplay, like an hour

Well, my question is this........actually I have two........first, is
this normal for a women to have such violent orgasims.  You said that
40% of women do. I am one of those lucky guys who date one of those
40%.  Is she super sensative, or is it me, maybe? I don't want her to
stop, so I wonder if it is me, or does maybe she have a larger G-spot
or something?  The other question, and this involves the psychology,
is she used to be a nice, pure girl before we got sexually active.
Now after she has been having these orgasims, and what she calls
incredible sex, she has become somewhat of a nypho.  She always wants
to, everytime we are alone.  The other day, I had strep throat and
couldn't get out of bed, she came in, got naked and we made love and
I barely moved.  Is that normal for a total change in personality
too?  She is not like this around anybody else, when she is around
other men, she is her usual shy self, but when they leave, she wants
to get naked.  I know this is not really a problem and believe me, I
am not complaing, but I wonder if that is healthy, or usual, or does
she does just like being with me so much. Our personal and non sexual
relationship is fine, we love each other to death, but I am worried
that maybe something may be wrong with her because of this drastic
change in her.  I have just always heard
of the guy being the "hornball" not the woman and especially a
usually shy one.  Please respond with any advice or information.
Probably more info, unless you think this total change in personality
is a problem. I know I wasn't very organized with the question, so if
you don't understand what I am asking, please write back and I will
try to explain better.  Thanks


4/3/99: FLASH:  Two readers commented on the Sexdoc's choice of vocabulary when he wrote "master bait" (in a letter of 2/7/99 which has been corrected) instead of "masturbate".  The first reader cast hostile aspersions on the sexdoc's professionalism, and the second thought it was funny.  The first was silent in response to my request to identify the location of the offending words, but the second, Don, kindly searched for several days and found it.

The Sexdoc was positive it must have been written in a question, rather than an answer, and didn't lose any sleep over it.  When Don so kindly identified the location, the mystery was solved!  The offending passage was transcribed by Naturally Speaking (tm), the voice transcription software, and the Sexdoc failed to pick it up either in spell checker or in proof reading.  The Sexdoc is making great strides in writing several books, and is finding that his new 450 MHx Pentium II with 128 megs of RAM and a 7 gig hard drive (along with a Turtle Beach Systems FIJI sound card and an Andrea Electronics QW 1000 ANC microphone) with the Naturally Speaking Preferred v. 3.52 software, makes transcription pretty easy.  BUT, I am reminded not to get complacent and lazy in proof reading!


4/3/99 Q:  Dear Dr Fitz I'm a 29 year old male when I make love to my wife I find it diffacult to ejaculate in all pistions except when she is on top is there any thing I can do to change that I dont even ejculate when she gives me a blowjob please help

A:  This is probably psychogenic (in your head) which needs the attention of  a sex therapist, but there is a slim chance that this is a rare vascular complication known as "Pelvic Blood Steal" -- it occurs when a man is essentially in any position other than flat on his back.  If that describes you, please contact a Urologist and suggest screening for that condition.

AND I would really appreciate it if you'd get back to me with the results.  This should not be happening in a healthy 29 year old!

4/3/99 Q:  my co-worker, has been separated from his wife for over a year now,(him)
speaking to her the other day she classifed her 2 ex-husbands as having
"madonna whore syndrome" mentioning that disturbed him, and he would
like to know the deffinition of this.  because he's afraid she will
label him with this term. i have search the internet on this and cannot
find an answer for him. can you help him? if you know anything about
this subject. thank you.

A:  It is interesting that she would make the "diagnosis".  It refers to men who are comfortably sexual with a woman before marriage (the "whore" phase), who then are unable to engage in intercourse without emotional duress, if at all, after marriage, because the woman is now the Madonna -- pure woman.

I infer from her "diagnosis" that both men were more sexual with her before marriage than after -- but if they both suffered from "Whore-Madonna Syndrome" would require face to face diagnosis.

3/31/99 Q:   Dear Doc,

I am 25 and a married mother of two children.  I've been with my husband for 6 years, only two of them being in matremonial bliss.  I am an Exotic dancer, and have been so for most of our relationship.  We love each other very much, and have experimented with our sexuality very deeply.  We have had anal sex, oral sex, sex with another woman, man and couples.  We are very open with each other about what we find feels good, and or excites.

As we have gotten closer to each other, the want to be with other women or men has subsided.  I would much rather make love to my husband one on one.  I kiss and hug him constantly, and want to be with him all the time.  Smothering???

Recently though my husband has not displayed as much attraction for sex as I have.  Our trists have gone from sex 3 times a day everyday, to once every week or so (actually its 3 or 4 days but it seems so long!). If I remind him that he hasn't "banged" me in a awhile he gets upset.  He says it seems too much like "work", even though he knows that there are lots of men who desire me, who would jump on the chance immediately.  I feel bad when I try to seduce him and he can't become erect.  I also feel as if I belong to a harem of one, to be of service when he is ready.  Alot of rejection and pain is at hand, and I'd like to know what I could do?

--Unwanted stripper

A:  Sex is complicated.  It can involve excitement, suspense, intrigue, mystery, curiosity, trust, satisfaction, lust, passion, frustration, anticipation, affection, nurturance, succorance,  and anger, to name a few items.  It can be a simple message or it can speak volumes to the person or people with whom you are being sexual.

In most committed couples it is also a sensitive barometer of other dynamics in the relationship, which is why any decent sex therapist also has to be a pretty good relationship therapist.

From your description, I speculate that your husband could be anywhere from jaded and sated by the variety of experience, to sub-clinically depressed, with all kinds of possible things about your relationship in between.  This needs to be sorted out by a therapist, face to face -- I think that you both are unable to see your forests for the trees.

I wish there were a self-help suggestion I could send by e-mail, but for this, there isn't one.

Please let me know what happens.


Later on 3/31/99 I get:

     Hiya, Doc. This is the husband of the 'unwanted' stripper. (Yeah,
right!) I think our situation is very simple. I love my wife and I find her
EXTREMELY sexy. That said, it doesn't mean I can perform intercourse 3x a
day every day like I did when we first met. I've told her 1) I was younger
2) It was 'new'.
To put it another way...Pizza is my absolute favorite food. However, if I
ate pizza 3x a day EVERY day I would eventually tire of it. I told my wife
this and I guess she can't relate. She wants sex constantly and truth be
told, I can't physically do it as often as she wants. I told her I don't
want to 'bang' her so much that I get sick of her but she just gets offended
and doesn't give my point of view any validation.
    She feels like she is in a one-woman harem? Ok...but I feel like I'm a
flesh-and-blood sex toy. Seems like we should be able to find some middle
ground. I try to have sex with her every other day or so but this still
isn't enough for her. (Not to mention the fact that when she gets off of
work she smells of booze and I've repeatedly told her that is my number one
turn-off. Of course when she has been drinking THAT is when she is the
    Anyway, just wanted to give you the other side of the story.

- Too pooped to pop.

Once again, folks, it's time for negotiation.  When one wants to be sexual more than the other, it's a matter of approach, with the replies of:  A) Great -- now or later; or B) I don't want to penetrate/be penetrated, but  I'll do what I can; or C) Neither of the above, take care of yourself, we'll both know what you're doing, and I'll hold your calls.

3/31/99 Q:   Thanks for a great site with good questions and answers about sex. After
reading through quite a few of the situations others have posted, and learning
a thing or two, I still have some unanswered...

Let me start out by saying that I'm 26, just about finally divorced with 2
children 6 and under, and am currently in a good relationship, although she is
"barely legal" (18). For me, sex in the past has been selfish and I mostly
thought of me, ending the intercourse when I was done, usually within 30
minutes, if not less, and using one or two of maybe 3 positions. I've always
felt some type of bad or guilty feeling afterwards. Not wanting to be naked,
not wanting to be with whomever, not wanting to be touched, etc. I felt a
resentment of sorts. In any case, that was then...

This new relationship I've been in for close to a year now has been pretty
good; I'm not selfish about sex, and want to really please her. I do have
concerns/ questions/ problems, though. She was a virgin, and we took our time
in the beginning. It took maybe about a half-dozen attempts or so at
intercourse lasting note more than 5 minutes because of the pain it caused
her. But as I mentioned, we took our time & got there. After enough attempts
to be able to have intercourse without any worries of pain, we would do a lot
of different positions (which was fairly new & exciting to me). I really
wanted to please her, and knowing that the sensation of having to "pee" got
her to block it (which from my understanding is more along the lines of
blocking the orgasm), I did my best to withdrawl & let myself cool down. I
knew that if I didn't, and if I climaxed, I would go limp and not be able to
start up again for some time (30-60 mins).

Here's my situation now... she's really trying not to block it, and I'm trying
to go long enough to get her to an orgasm. I (now) know that orgasm for her
isn't usually achieved by penile penetration, but it helps to get her closer
to it. I'm having a very difficult time not going within 10 minutes, or having
long enough cool down periods for myself that she goes down drastically too.
Or, as she is learning that it takes a little while for me to get hard again,
she'll wait a bit before saying she wants more. At which point she'll help
stimulate me to the point of erection. Unfortunately, it doesn't last too long
sometimes... occasionally, it'll get soft in her, or more often, in between
the time it takes when we switch positions. To sum it up, I guess I'm
(embarrassedly) asking how I can help her achieve orgasm without (or less)
worries of urinating as well as keeping myself from going, and getting &
keeping myself hard afterwards. I don't know if this is considered premature
ejaculation, but I hate it and feel like making excuses to her why I can't do
anything more for her. I get frustrated and upset with myself enough to not
want to have oral sex on her to help her along.

One last thing... her & I have fairly good communication. We've recently
talked about before we started dating, the desires that went into the
flirting, knowing we couldn't "have" each other. We seem to have lost that
part and any advice how to recapture something similar would be great. We
don't have much money, but have a lot of devotion and persistance.
Unfortunately, that devotion and persistance has led us into quite a few new
positions, none of which are new anymore (as you mentioned in one of your
responses). Any suggestions on keeping sex fresh & invigorating, as if it were
the first time (well, maybe the 7th--after that pain part)?

Thank you for your time to read all this, and anxiosly awaiting suggestions &

A:   In the first place, I suggest getting to a place where if she were to urinate, it would be OK.  Some women do experience urinary incontinence when they have an orgasm, but many  women say that it FEELS like they're going to pee and that's just the involuntary pelvic contractions -- they won't "leak".  See if that is operative for your lady -- maybe holding back from peeing is holding her back from relaxing and experiencing the "out of control" aspect of orgasm.  So experiment.  If you're on towels on a linoleum floor that can be mopped up (or doggy style in the shower, etc.) see what happens.

Also:  You have bought the myth of the simultaneous orgasm.  OK, I exaggerate, but there is nothing "wrong" with bringing her to orgasm(s) first, then when she is very lubricated, penetrating with your penis and stroking until you have an orgasm.  Simply removing the performance pressure off of BOTH of you might, just might, have the nice effect of her experiencing another big "O" that "just crept up on her"!

Homo Sapiens (as well as a lot of less intelligent mammals) is powerfully motivated by curiosity and novelty.  Sorry, but you can't go back to your enthusiasm of the 7th intercourse with her.  The consolation prize is familiarity in knowing how each of you likes to be sexually pleased by your partner.

If you still experience frustrating problems, you'll need to talk with a sex therapist -- that's why we have office hours.

Please let me know what happens.


3/31/99 Q:  dear doc

Where would I find the Presidents comission on obcenity and pornography

A:  The Report of the (Presidential) Commission on Obscenity and Pornography was released to the press on September 30, 1970.  In my library is a Bantam paperback book dated October, 1970, and with a jacket price of $1.65  (boy, do I feel old -- just kidding).

Try as it might, the Commission could find no consistent evidence that exposure to sexually explicit material was associated with sex crimes.  Attitudes about sex were essentially unchanged or "more tolerant of alternative sexual expression" as OK for other people -- but not to be engaged in by the viewer.

Of great interest to the Sexdoc was the paragraph about sex offenders' adolescent experience:

    "Available research indicates that sex offenders have had less adolescent experience with erotica than other adults.  They do not differ significantly from other adults in relation to adult experience with erotica, in relation to reported arousal or in relation to the likelihood of engaging in sexual behavior during or following exposure.  Available evidence suggests that sex offenders early inexperience with erotic material is a reflection of their more generally deprived sexual environment.  The relative absence of experience appears to constitute another indicator of atypical and inadequate sexual socialization."

The Sexdoc sees no reason why the conclusions of 30 years ago are any less valid today.

3/30/99 Q:    hello doctor,

I have a problem with oral sex.  I love to give as well as recieve when
it comes to oral sex.  My Girlfriend and I are really into safe sex
sense shes not quite ready for actual intercourse.  My problem is, is
that I have a quit short tongue and i feel i cant give my girlfriend the
pleasure that i wish to give her.  Is there any better technique I could
use to further please her?

A:  Your tongue cannot compete with a penis -- use it to its advantage.  In addition to using your tongue to stimulate the clitoris and labia in numerous ways, I suggest mastering the Venus butterfly (which will take some practice).

Suck the clitoris into your mouth until you feel slight resistance, then using your tongue as a piston, eject the clitoris until it is 90% out.  Repeat the in and out motion at the rate of 2 to 4 times per second.  Some women like this all the time; others just to get them over the top; others only in the beginning.

Respect individual differences and tune in to her preferences.

And tell me how you do and her reaction.


3/30/99 Q:   In a previous letter I wrote that my girlfriend and I are really into
safe sex.  The reason behind this is that she is not ready for
intercourse.  My girlfriend was raped at a very young age and its a
mental scar she will always have.  She doesnt feel comfortable with
intercourse and I dont bug her about it and I fully respect her for her
decision.  The problem is I feel frustrated that my girlfriend doesnt
feel as comfortable with me as id like.  Is there anything I can do so
she further trusts me?

A:  She isn't into safe sex.  She is avoiding  behaviors that will remind her of the pain of the trauma.  Don't take it personally:  she will probably be skittish around any opportunity for intercourse.  Because she is manifesting these avoidance behaviors, she most likely needs psychotherapy to deal with it.  The longer she waits to get therapy, the more rehearsed the avoidance and expectation of distress will be, and the longer it will take in therapy to help her.  The most you can do is be patient and gentle and sensitive to her anxieties, but probably no amount of time on your part will be enough for her to feel OK about intercourse.

3/29/99 Q:  Could a girls vagina get "loose" after having sex like 4 or 5 times
Because I think my girlfriends is like that(this is her computer)
 I've heard that from other guys

A:  Not really -- the tissue springs back.

The sensation of "loose" is most often the difference between a nervous woman whose whole body is tensed, including her introitus, and an experienced woman, who is more relaxed (also everywhere).

3/29/99 Q:  Dear Doc,
    I am a 19 year college student.  I started dating my boyfriend about
3 months ago.  He is the fifth person I have had sex with.  He has slept
with between 15 and 20 girls an the past.  He can't remember how many(a
fact that saddens me), but we both have been tested for STDs.  Anyway,
when we first met one of our first conversation pieces was about our
past sex lives.  I told him about all of the places I had it and he told
me how great his ex was.  When we started to have sex it was awful.  He
told me that he was intimidated because of the stories I had told him
about my past and I am also very intimidated about the "great" sex he
had with his ex.  I used to be very open with sexual ideas, but now I am
not comfortable to do that.  I feel as if he is always grading me like a
teacher would.  Also the fact that he is more experienced scares me.  He
has had anal sex and that is just something I could never do.  He also
asks me to give him blowjobs.  For some reason I have never given one
before and I am so afraid to make him my first.  Again, it is because I
see him as a teacher.  Now, I am crazy about this dude.  We have a long
summer planned together and I want it to include great sex.  What is the
trick to relaxing around him and forgetting about his ex?  Also what is
the trick to a good blowjob?  Thank you very much!!

Going from zero to 60 miles per hour in one second is called getting hit by a Mack truck.  The solution is to take it slow.  Plan to break it all down into small steps, and to learn and grow and "push the envelope" just a little during each love-making session.

If you expect yourself to go from no experience to being fantastic at giving blow jobs without getting used to it, you will traumatize yourself.  And, if you go from zero anal stimulation to dilation the size of his penis, that WILL hurt.

Alternatively, get used to licking his penis, using your hands at the same time,and take it in your mouth a little deeper and a little longer each time.  Same with anal stimulation:  external touching one time, gentle pulsing the next, shallow insertion of a manicured and/or gloved little finger the next, to full insertion of the little finger before insertion of the middle finger, etc.

If this guy (dude) you're crazy over is a good teacher, become an apt pupil and learn, but YOU set the pace.

Please let me know what happens.

3/29/99 Q:
Hi Doc,
I wish you had a search engine, there is so much stuff on your site, and
I have been reading it for hours and still not found the answer to my
question. But it's probably there - I hope you won't be too annoyed by
my asking anyway.
I was married for nine years. For a long time I liked the sex, but my
husband did not believe me, because he said I did not respond normally
like other women. Mostly, I think lack of lubrication bothered him. He
didn't like me to use K-Y jelly (like it's on the market because
everyone else is so normal they don't need it? duh!). Anyway, there was
all this pressure to meet his expectations, and things got worse and
worse. He said having sex with me made him feel dirty, and he became
more and more belittling. He raped me once and about the same I found he
had been unfaithful. So I was out of there, understandably. By this time
sex was no fun anymore, and I was never going to miss it anyway.
Three years passed.
Booommmm! Out of the blue, my libido came back. Just three weeks ago. I
have been masturbating every night, and sometimes in the day too, when
the warm sun pours through a high window and onto my bed. I can pretend
I am outside, but no one can see me. I am having these wonderful
fantasies about places, people, lingerie... - I used to never think
about anyone but my husband, as to me, my imagination had taken those
vows too.
The first few days I just enjoyed feeling good. Stroking and licking and
fingering and owning myself. Then I had an orgasm - A real text-book one
with contractions you couldn't miss - not a feature of my marriage. I
found my g-spot. I like it. Some orgasms are small and tingly, no
contractions I can feel, but they satisfy, so I count them. I wonder if
they happened before, and because I was expecting the heavens to open, I
didn't notice them. They make my nose tingle! I looked at pornography on
the net. I feel frightened now, when I look at pictures of men with
erections, but when I look at women pleasuring themselves it turns me
on, like they are encouraging me to cherish myself by their example.
Fantasy, I know, they are just doing what they're paid for, but we all
need fantasy, don't we?
So most things are good. Very good. But I still don't get very wet. I
would like to achieve that naturally if possible. There are places to
touch for tingles - are there places for wet? Are there techniques? It
would be nice if I could throw out worrying this just like I threw out
the man who made it a worry, but it's still there in my mind.
Also, my nipples don't become erect except when I touch them, then they
quickly go down. They don't repond, for example, to stimulation of my
clitoris. This is something else he thought was abnormal, and while I
now reject his opinion for it's own sake, I think it would be kinda fun
if they would just pop up now and again, like you read about.
Any suggestions?

A:  Dear "P":  Is that a pseudonym you want me to use or your real name?

CONGRATULATIONS on re-finding your sexuality!

Some people are taller, some have more responsive nipples, and some lubricate absolutely too much (it really is a problem).

In the absence of systemic compromise (hormone imbalance, etc.) try an experiment:  For 4 days avoid all diuretics -- coke, alcohol, coffee, tea -- and drink 8 8 oz. glasses of water a day.  If you lubricate when sexually excited, you were dehydrated.  If not, mention this to your OB-GYN the next time you see her or him.

And I might soon have a search engine....

3/29/99 Q:
Dear Doctor,
I have been searching for answers to a dilemma that probably requires some therapy - but I believe I may have reached a point in my marriage of nearly 28 years where I must actively consider leaving. To all outsiders this marriage seemed one of the happier ones until lately. During the past two and a half years I have lost 62 pounds and begun to deal with some of the intimacy issues in a more open and unfortunately more heated forum. One of the issues that concerns me is my anger over spending 20 years being the first to initiate sexual activity with my husband. For most of those years sexual activity between us was limited to about 10 or 12 times a year - lots of times he was too tired to engage - he said no often. I hid from the rejection by submerging myself in home, family, and eating. During this time I believe he masturbated daily - I have much anger about his rejection of me and have actively considered leaving for it seems - even at this late date - other men my age are interested.
The sex when it happened was good for me - I orgasm and enjoy participating in a variety of positions - I used to try lots of stuff to entice him - to seduce him. I always had to be the active one and I resent it.
Only lately have I told him that I will never initiate sexual activity with him again. That it is up to him. I wonder how long I will have to wait. For even now I find myself being the initiator out of habit .. but I am gaining the confidence to stand my ground.
I feel I am not desireable to him and perhaps at 49 no woman is desireable to her married partner. EVen in the act itself I feel as though he is only doing this - because he fears me leaving him for another. Sex - has become a battleground not the initimate experience I know that it should be. I find I cannot orgasm without pretending I am with another man - I have to pretend that I am a different woman too. Lots of fantasy roles.
But what I seek is not orgasm but union. Mind and body and soul - and I despair of ever attaining this again. I am sad and angry that I wasted so much time hiding from the realities in my marriage.
It is only finally being in the workplace that has made me realize that I am still desireable - even pursued. I would like my husband to pursue me - but - even though he pays more attention to me and actively courts me, tells me that he loves me , that I am the center of his world - I find myself distancing myself from him. I see how he comes alive around other women - how he interacts with them and how dead and inert he is with me.
I despair that I will enter my remaining years - knowing that my marriage is an empty and lonely place. A place where not much happens emotionally. Lots of task related stuff - but conversations about his feelings are like pulling teeth - answers are neither spontaneous nor illuminating. So I have given up. I find others to have intimate conversations with - and - find that I am eager, so eager for a partner who will respond emotionally to me - with himself.
It is common for me not to get any response to questions I ask. Or if I speak - he will not even acknowledge that I have uttered a word. Not without me prompting and demanding  a response.
I am tired of this. Though he is a good man and loving partner - I believe he has distanced himself from me physically, emotionally and in the past two years financially. I really do not want to be in a relationship where I do all the work of the relationship. The thought of staying in a marriage that is inert makes me wish for a shorter life. I am deeply conflicted for I always believed in monogamy - but is it monogamy if there is such limited emotional interaction? Is it monogamy if I have more intimate conversations with friends than with him. I have given up and have turned my attentions elsewhere because even fantasy offers more pleasure than reality these days.
And yes as I write this I realize I need therapy to understand what is going on with me. I wonder what else I may be hiding from - so much seems to be about one thing when in reality it is about something else entirely.
When I began all this searching I thought it was about conversation and intimacy and now I wonder if it is just about sex.
Anyway - sorry for being so long winded and thank you for providing such a fine service. Such a service is truly an honourable and charitable act of great kindness.

A:  Thank you for your kind comments and for sharing your plight.  Before discarding 28 years of marriage, I suggest that you two present for marital therapy.  If he refuses or if the therapist challenges the benefit of the two of you continuing in therapy together, then please seek individual help.

Sex is a sensitive barometer of other marital dynamics, and your therapist will want to know what happened -- and how it impacted you two -- two and a half years ago.  Was that when you re-entered the work force?  If your husband feels diminished in his masculinity, and if your financial independence is threatening him more, therapy might be able to address those issues and disinhibit him from interacting with you as he does.

If you try marital therapy and it does nothing or confirms the wisdom of your departure (yes, some of us encourage that when we think it is appropriate), at least you will then not have the nagging doubt as to whether things might have worked out.

And 49 isn't "over the hill".  For health and social reasons, congratulations on the weight loss (unless it was from  150 to 88 pounds).  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  You are entitled to maximize your quality of life!

3/25/99 Q:
I am a 22-year-old guy, and I have been married to my 31-year-
old wife for about 6 months.  I don't enjoy using condoms
as much as having sex without them, and
I know that there are certain times of the month
that a woman is less likely to get pregnant.
Would you please respond  with a short
e-mail and tell me at what times of
the month a woman is less likely
to get pregant.  I would appreciate it very much

Sincerely, R

A:  Dear R,

In a perfect world, women would have exactly 28 day menstrual cycles, they would release an ovum on day 14 (counting the first day of menstrual blood flow as day 1), the ovum would travel down the Fallopian tube at a uniform rate, and await any sperm that might be there.  And, a guy would ejaculate 80 million to 300 million sperm, all of which would take 4.5 days to learn to swim, and all of which would then swim at 1.5 inches per hour to meet the egg (developed ovum).

But this is not a perfect world, and stress, diet, exercise, and sleep (and other women she is near) affect a woman's cycle, and she can ovulate unusually early or late.  Having sex based on a woman's monthly "rhythm" or cycle is called the "rhythm method" of birth control.  And,

Q:  Do you know what they call people who practice the Rhythm Method?  A:  "PARENTS".

Women have become pregnant by having unprotected intercourse DURING their heaviest menstrual flow!  Some of those sperm are super-achievers, learn to swim real fast, and go all the way!  Others and really slow starters and don't get to the egg until 8 DAYS after intercourse.  So DON'T RELY ON COUNTING DAYS!!!!!!

3/26/99 "R" writes again:
   Thanks for responsding to my e-mail.  I just want
to make sure I understand this right.  After ovulation,
it takes 14 days for the egg to drop, and at that time
it is most likely that a woman will become pregnant(in
the "perfect" woman without any other factors involved.)
So that means that it is safer to have sex (to avoid pregnancy)
the first 14 days or so, and then about 7 days before she
ovulates again?
     These may sound like stupid questions.   Anyway, the reason I'm asking all
these crazy questions is because now is not the time
for her to become pregnant, and I would like to know
BECOME PREGNANT?  Thanks a lot for responding to that
last e-mail I sent.

        Sincerely,       R

A:  Why do you want to play Russian Roulette?   If you have unprotected sex on day 7, and your sperm swims up and lasts 8 days, and she ovulates on day 14, the chances of pregnancy are excellent!  If you have sex on day 21 but from stress, etc., she ovulates late, guess what?  Watch my lips:  People who use the rhythm method for birth control are called PARENTS!!!!!


3/25/99 Q:  Hey Doc,
  First and foremost I wanna thank you for your quick advice.
  Secondly...I have a question.  When my lover is using his fingers on
me, he can reach in as far as he can with one finger and feel
something about the roundness and size of a walnut.  At first I
figured it was just my G-spot, but I didn't really feel anything when
he rubbed it.  I know I DO have a G-spot, but it seems to move (or
maybe it's just because I squirm).  One moment, I'll be almost to
climax when I know he's on my G-spot, but then the feeling will start
to diminish and he has to move around and either find that place
again, or change his tecnique a little.  Do G-spots move?  Is that
lump in fact my G-spot?  I don't understand why I can never pinpoint
where it's at until I'm almost to climax.  Should I get checked by an
OB-GYN to see what the lump is?  I'm sorry if I'm asking too many
questions, but I don't want to have a tumer or anything.  The lump
does not hurt at all.  Oh ya, and sometimes when he's manually
stimulating me, I will get  a sharp pain for a second.  It's not the
lump that hurts, and I don't think it's my hymen.(We haven' had sex
yet, but he can fit 2 fingers in me alright.  We've never tried three
because i DO think that would hurt) I thought the vaginal canal's wall
was stretchy and could handle poking and prodding without hurting.  My
boyfriend is not rough with me.  Hmmm...maybe I'm just a worry-wort.
Thank you for all your help and insight.

A:  It's not that the g-spot moves -- it's that it gets "used to" the same stimulation in the same spot and touch close-by then feels more responsive.

All the g-spot descriptions I have heard describe the size of a pea.  I encourage you to have an OB-GYN check out the lump you describe -- being conservative.

Plus, all the g-spot descriptions report smooth tissue that "arches" into a downward bump like an erection, when stimulated, not a constant pea-sized bump.  Please let me know what your OB-GYN says.

I can't tell from your description whether it's your hymen or not, but your OB-GYN will be able to tell you (alert him or her first to the question).



3/24/99 Q:   Hello, I would like to relate that I am 24 years old, female and have a
lovely body. A man I am seeing, he is 47, wants to engage in diverse
sex. He has enjoyed my being submissive and also exhbitionism which, to
this point, has been fairly mild. He has stated that he wishes to have
me tied and bound while he provides street bums to eat me, then release
me to make me masterbate for a large group of them that he will provide
at a local motel. He desires to take pictures and have me submit to to
being bound and gagged while he instructs them to have at me any way
they want, they must use condoms , but can use me in any sexual way they
choose. My question is, I found this very appealing and found that I
desire to do it. I am afraid, however that it may get out of control.
How can I insure that it does not get to the point that he alone cannot
control them if he does this to me. I truly wish to experience this, but
I do not wish to have the situation get uncontrollable and get severly
hurt. Is there something to safeguard my safety better during this ?
I am serious about this and truly want to go through with this for him.
I will truly appreciate your suggestions as we have not done this
before. Thank you in advance for your help.

A:  This is NOT SAFE SEX.  This is NOT RESPECTFUL.  This is DANGEROUS!  This scares the hell out of me that you might do this!  The fantasy might be great, but the execution is seriously uncontrollable!  Better he should round up a bunch of his buddies and have them pretend to be street bums, but the real thing?  Some street bums are psychotic, and this kind of stimulation could send them over the brink!  Some could easily misunderstand the boundaries, and pull a knife and make a new orifice!   NO NO NO, PLEASE Don't do this!  The potential downside is overwhelmingly greater than any upside could be!!!!!!!!

p.s.  My e-mail reply to you came back "user unknown" so I hope you see these comments.  If you do, please e-mail me to let me know you saw my reply!  sexdoc

3/24/99 Q:   Dr. Fitz:

I have written before and I must say that your knowledge and advice
was invaluable.  Since I have begun having sex with my girlfriend, I
have had one little worry.  Is it possible for a women to get
pregnant, when using a condom that does not appear to break or

The last time we had sex, I had an interest and worry with this
question.  I used a latex, condom, although it was a little thin, but
lubed with nonoxal-9 (spelling is off, sorry.)  When I pulled out,
the condom looked fine and the sperm was inside, although there was a
little moisture on the tip.  I left a little space at the top, like
you should, and lubed it with K-Y jelly, so it did not break, the
sperm was inside.  The moisture was either from her or the lube, or
the the non-9 on the condom.  But, then, this is gross, I put water
in it later and squeezed, like a balloon and nothing came out the tip
at all, so there was not a hole in it either.  Am I OK, or
can sperm still get through.  When they say that condoms have a %97
effectivness rating do they mean when they break or slip off, or can
sperm make it through. Like they say on Sienfield, is that "slipping
it past the goalie?"

Based on my situation, should I be worried or am I looking into
something that isn't there.  Usually I withdraw with a condom too
before ejaculation, to be safe, but this time I began to shoot in her
for a second or too. This may seem like an easy question, but I have
heard conflicting stories.  Please respond as soon as you can, so I
can have frame of mind.  Just is it possible, or should I not be
worried?  Thanks.


A:  Condoms are, for most people, 92% to 98% effective.  The 2 - 8 per cent for whom they are not experience breakage, or the condom slips off. or they don't leave enough of a reservoir at the tip and the volume of ejaculate, combined with the volume of the erect penis, combined with the piston effect of penile-vaginal stroking, effectively strips the semen up the condom like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube.  The semen loaded with sperm then oozes out around the top of the condom, down its sides, and gets pistoned/carried into the vagina.  If you use decent condoms (the FDA requires that the failure rate be published on the condom box) and focus on the hydraulics and mechanics, and keep ALL liquid that comes out of the penis from getting into the vagina, you can't get pregnant!  Any more questions? (seriously)


ML writes again on 3/25/99:   Dr. Fitz:

I don't understand.....I didn't see anything that answered my
question on page #15.  Did you mean week #15.  Well, I I really need
to know is if it is possible for the sperm to get through the condom
without it breaking.  I pushed water through and nothing came out the
other end.  What scared me was after I was done, there was a little
moisture at the end (which could be her lube, or the condoms) but
also I found out later that it was her most fertile time.  There did
not seem to be any tears or rips, it didn't break, and nothing leaked
out from the base and I pulled out about a second after I ejaculated.
 Should I be worried?  Sorry to bother you with such a simple
question, but frame of mind is what I need here.  Should I continue
doing it this way?  When condoms have a failure rate of %2 when used
properly, does that just mean when they rupture, break, or fall off,
or tear, or can sperm just get out of it.  A small tear I could see
right?  And some sperm would have gone out that I could feel or see
too, or am I wrong.  Thanks for your time.


Because it's still unclear to ML, I know that it is still unclear to others, so here goes:

RELAX!  Moisture can get on the outside of the condom from her vagina or other sources; that doesn't mean that it's moisture from your penis.  You don't need to pull out before or after ejaculation!  In fact, you are much better off reaching down, firmly holding the base ring of the condom to the base of your penis, and slowly and carefully removing your penis from her vagina with the condom comfortably in place.  If you pull out quickly, you run the risk of leaving the condom inside her with semen spilling out of the open end, thus possibly getting in her.  Please enjoy the delicious sensations of having an orgasm while the penis is fully ensheathed in the vagina.  Then, aware that the penis most often loses its erect state, make sure that you don't "lose" the condom inside her.

The 2% to 8% failure rate of condoms does come from bursting, a tear (thin spot if the latex is uneven, which is poor quality control -- you do get what you pay for for the most part -- although some designer condoms are, in my opinion, not worth the extra expense), slipping off inside, or other mechanical failure.  Sperm are too big to get through the latex membrane, BUT:

YOU CAN'T SEE THEM:  During an ejaculation a man releases between 80 million and 300 million sperm, and all 300 million can fit on the head of a pin.  About 50,000 sperm are produced per MINUTE every hour, 24 hours a day, from puberty until old, old age.

AND:  Latex condoms disintegrate with petroleum-based lubricants like Vaseline.  Use K-Y jelly or liquid, or Astroglide if you want more lubrication.

ML and anyone else:  Do you have any other questions?  Please let me know what is still not understood.  sexdoc

Later on 3/25/99 ML writes again:
Dr. Fitz:

Thanks for the answer.  That really gives me piece of mind.  I didn't
know if condom failure was due to breakage or "leakage."  I think I
am OK, if the sperm can't get through latex.  Thank you for giving me
a reason to sleep now.  It was her "most fertile" time and I wanted
to make sure that I was OK.  There are so many incorrect things out
there today that I feel good knowing that there is someone who can
give us the facts.  I once read that condoms can leak without a
person knowing it and although the sperm is in it when you are done,
she may still be pregnant because sperm is small enough to wiggle
through.  Probably just someone trying to scare all
of us from having any pre-marital sex.  Thanks again, your answer was
very thoughtful and complete and I feel better knowing that I am not
the only one who was a little worried about that.  Thanks a million.
Also thank you for answering my question about lube too. K-Y jelly is
really great for any body especially people like me who are just
starting to have sex.  Maybe  I will start to enjoy sex and not worry
so much anymore.  The only other question I have is that since I saw
the sperm totally in the condom, I am OK right?  If it broke, it
would have leaked out or something, but also the water I pushed
through would not have stayed in the condom, right?  Thanks again.


A:  I infer that ML wants total security and I have to comment on "...since I saw the sperm totally in the condom...".  If 300,000,000 can fit on the head of a pin, are you sure you counted all of them?  If you got distracted, could you have lost count?  You DIDN'T see the sperm totally in the condom.  You saw what was visible, which is the fluid mostly from the prostate gland.  Only 3-5% of that volume was a combination of sperm and fluid from the testicles.

An exercise for everybody:  Sacrifice 2 condoms to science.  One: get in a 3/4 full BATHTUB (you'll find out why when you do it), and run warm water (approximating body temperature) into a condom.  Hold the open part of the condom firmly around the spigot.  Keep the water running until the condom BREAKS.  Not from hanging down (which is why the tub is 3/4 full) but from volume alone.  Two:  find the SMALLEST needle or pin you can, and with the condom rolled up (not inflated in any way) make the smallest possible hole in it -- just enough for the tip of the pin or needle to show through the rubber.  Then fill it with tap water (bathroom sink is fine) to about penis-sized, twist the open end shut, then like you are squeezing the last bit of toothpaste from the tube, compress the condom from the open end toward the closed end where the pin prick is.  Note how tiny the trickle of water is when it starts to come out.  As SOON as you are sure water is coming out, relax the pressure, untwist the top, empty the water out, re-roll up the condom or somehow isolate the square inch at the tip with the hole in the center, then hold the condom up to a light while stretching that square inch.  Note how far you have to stretch it before you can see the pin prick.

What I want you to learn from this is: 1) the condom can hold an enormous amount of volume before it breaks, and 2) you cannot see with the naked eye (no, I'm not talking "dirty") the smallest of holes through which a sperm, one 300 millionth the size of the head of a pin, can swim through.  Talk about faith!

Cheap condoms will break with a smaller volume than expensive condoms -- because the quality control in the uniform thickness of the latex is less and there are thicker parts and thinner parts.

Now class, let's hear back from these experiments.  Sexdoc

3/23/99 Q:  I am 25 and love masterbation!  I got off (enjoyed) sex w/ myself while
in my new hot-tub. I put my vagina right up to the jet (you said to be
specific) and water-fucked myself into ecstasy!
My questions resolve around the safety of this... can I get toxic shock
from a strong blast of water like that of a water jet in my bath tub
entering my vagina?  My anus?  What about a bladder infection?

A:   Dear "L",

I deal so often with women who were sexually abused and who cannot let themselves go (orgasm) easily because of that.  It is refreshing to hear how you enjoy your sexuality!  Be glad you can!

I have never heard of any complication from a hot tub water jet directed at the vagina, and I have heard from many dozens of women who use water in various ways, for stimulation.  I suspect that the air/water mixture with free return is categorically different from forming an air seal with lips on labia and forcibly blowing air into the vagina (for those who just tuned in, that can be fatal, as in your death from an air embolism).

As for rectal irrigation, it's gone on for hundreds of years, called "an enema".  Not to worry!  And, for your information, I have known of dozens of women and men who achieved orgasm from anal stimulation alone (via water, fingers, penis, tongue, etc.).  I am glad you asked for clarification; if what you described was dangerous I could have saved you from a "problem".  Enjoy!


3/23/99 Q:
Hi - im a 16 yr old girl. when i had sex for the 1st time, i was 15. My
1st sex partner,(we'll call him george) when we tried to have sex, couldnt
get it in. we never tried agian, but we continued to masturbate one
another. my 2nd man was al, about 1 month later. i cared for al, and
i dont regret having sex with him. however, when we 1st started having
sex, i felt no pain and there was no blood or anyhting. i consider al
my true 1st, b/c with george he didnt even get in. al tried to get me
to orgasm, but no matter what he tried ( his tounge, a cherry popsicle,
his penis, and fingers) i never had an orgasm. he fingered me for a
while, but i was only wet. I hear that my hymen broke b/c i masturbate
too much. i do masturbate, but i also use tampons. is this why? one time
i was very close to having an orgasm when i got it hard and fast.
unfortunately, he didnt last as long as i wauld have. so - how come my
"cherry" never popped? and who exactly was my 1st partner? al or
george? and also - what are Blue balls? thanks for having someone to ask
this to!

A:   Dear K,

Please see in my Answers page #14 the Q/A dated 2/25/99

Technically, the loss of virginity is signaled by the penetration of the vagina by a penis. period.  No mention of orgasm on either part, no mention of semen, etc.  So Al, not George is your first  "lover".

Many a woman has a hymen that resorbe -- sort of like dissolves -- all by itself.  Inserting tampons helps push aside any remaining hymeneal tissue.

Masturbating once or "too much" has no effect on the hymen.  Inserting a dildo while masturbating will act like a tampon and tear or push aside what hymen tissue is there.

"Blue Balls" are neither, but the term refers to pelvic vasocongestion -- being very sexually excited for a long time (more than 20 minutes will do it for many people) without orgasm.  It feels like a dull ache in the gut a few inches below your belly button, and has been used by guys to pressure girls to participate in the guy's orgasm, by intercourse, blow job, or hand.  It is taken care of by orgasm regardless of how achieved (including the guy's own hand!).

OK if I publish this on the web site?   ... Really, a cherry popsicle?  Wasn't that awfully cold?


I look forward to hearing from you.

She replies:
Thank you so much for replying so quickly, i really appreciate it. sure,
you can use my email on your site, but PLEASE DO NOT USE MY NAME!!!!!!
Thanks again for answering it!
Love k.

PS - cherry popsicles are cold, yet very nice, for me and him! :)

3/26/99:  The Sexdoc asked for clarification regarding the use of the Cherry Popsicle.  K replies:


Thats so cool that i made the site! alllright!

Yes, he did use the popsicle like a dildo. But it did get really cold
after a bit, so he took it out and performed oral sex on me. he said it
tasted good. i'm sure, cherry is my favorite flavor! he he he!

Thanks for your help!

3/13/99  Q:   Dear Dr. Fitz,
I am a 30 year old woman who has been happily married for 8 and a half
years.  I have tried to find answers to my problem, but I haven't been
able to find a complete answer, just what other women are going through.

About three months ago, I started to not be able to ejactulate when I
orgasm.  I know that there are not many women who can do this, and quite
frankly, I was proud of myself.  But lately, I haven't been able to have
the full orgasm like before.
To make matters worse,  my husband tends to put to much pressure on me
to perform this one particular feat.  When ever we make love, I feel as
if I have to have an ejaculation, or he isn't satisfied.  I haven't been
able to approach the subject with him, because I know that he is doing
this for me and he wants to help, but maybe all the help is making the
problem worse.
I sometimes feel as if I am losing my womanhood.  I know that sounds
stupid, but it makes me feel as if I am not living up sexually to what I
was before.  I also miss the wonderful feeling of peace on contenment
that came with the ejactulation.  I would help me to overcome stress,
Could you please help?
Thank you

A:  I suggest a check with your OB-GYN.  This could be dehydration, a hormonal change, loss of pelvic muscle tone, and other things.  It may be embarrassing but you need to start with systemic possibilities.  I have never heard of psychogenic causes for this.


She replies:   Dear Dr. Fitzgerald,
Thank you so much for helping me with my ejaculation problem.
I went to the OB-Gyn, and no matter how embarrassed I was, I told her I could
not ejaculate when I orgasmed.  Instead of the old "Most women don't" routine,
she gave me a cup for a urine sample.
It turned out that I was dehydrated.  She prescribed 8 or more glasses of
water or more a day.
I am now back on track.  Thank you so much for answering my email and telling
me to go to the GYN.  If it wasn't for you, the I would have gone on thinking
that maybe I was getting to old (yea right, like that would ever happen) for
my ejaculations.
I am woman hear and feel me roar!!!  Sorry, I had to write that, since that
was what I screamed after my first ejaculation for the first time, needless to
say, I think I scared my husband to death.
Thank You
Not frustrated any more.

3/22/99 Q:
Hi Doc
I was molested as a child by a relative. It happened nightly for six
months. When he inserted his finger into me, I tried to pretend I was
asleep, so my only defense was to tighten my vaginal muscles because it
hurt. I am now 23 years old and I am still a virgin. Everytime I try to
be intimate with a man, I tighten my vaginal muscles as I did when I was
young. I think this is called vaginismus. I'm not frigid, but I want to
know what kind of treatment would be best for me, so that I can learn to
relax. My parents sent me to a therapist but she only told me to picture
a relaxing place when trying to have intercourse. It didn't help. I
purchased some vaginal dilators from a gynocologist and I can insert
some of them, but it does hurt a little once I get it halfway inside.
I'm not sure if the problem is only mental or if it's physical also
(because I've been tightening my vaginal muscles for so many years now).
Do I need to see a sex therapist? Please help.

p.s. How common is vaginismus?

A:  It is not known accurately how common vaginismus is because women often lie about it out of embarrassment.

Your first step is a gentle exam from an OB-GYN who you have alerted to the problem.  If physical factors are ruled out, then yes, psychosexual therapy with a mental health professional with advanced specialty training has an excellent prognosis.

You can't reverse years of rehearsal with one "counseling session" being told to imagine a peaceful scene.  That was painfully naive.

There are protocols of deep breathing and exercises, but an exhaustive description is called "therapy" and besides, self-help books on this are inadequate (as would e-mail be) because this needs the face to face dynamic interaction with a sex therapist -- that's why there is sex therapy!

Please get back to me with your reactions.  May I publish this e-mail?


She replies:
Hello again
Yes you can publish the e-mail, witholding my name of course, but only
on one condition: if you can recommend a sex therapist in the San Jose
area with a background in treating my problem, as well as a gentle
gynocologist. The one gyncologist that I did see wasn't very gentle and
my muscles would not let her perform a pap smear. I don't make a lot of
money, but I am covered with Blue Shield.
Much thanks.

3/23/99 the Sexdoc's public reply:  I'm the best sex therapist I know in the San Jose, California area; and, while I know some gentle OB-GYNs, I do not publish their names on my web site (personal referral only).

3/22/99 Q:   Greetings,  I've got something of a dilema and would gladly pay for your
thoughts regarding it.

I am a 36 year old caucasian male, circumcised at age 11, homosexually
oriented but occassially have sex with a female.  I enjoy sex, but
mostly with men, and mostly anally.  The problem is that I am terrified
of AIDS.  I don't necessarily want to embark on a monogamous
relationship as I find that I can't seem to keep from straying and
question the appropriateness of monogamy in my own life.  So anyway, I
set for the following information.

I was born to a pair of teenagers in '62 at a county welfare hospital.
There was no money for circ. so I was left uncut.  I began playing with
myself at age eight and was achieving orgasm.  Sometimes three or four
in a row.  Multi-orgasmic is what I believe the term is.  Anyway, when I
was circumcised in my teen years at my parent's insistence, I lost this
ability.  I lost alot of sensation at my penis.  By the time I was
nineteen I was unable to achieve orgasm by penetration of either a
vagina or anus and have had to "finish it off by hand" since then,
except for once getting a blow job at age 25.  The pressure, erotic
level, my sensitivity, and the rhythm of my partner were perfect and
consistent to do this.

Women I have had sex with are very complimentary regarding my staying
power, but it is very frustrating for me to stay as hard as a banana and
not climax, and they sometimes feel strange not be able to get me to
come.  Same with men.  Anyway, I resigned myself to this condition as I
have found little info. regarding retarded ejaculation.

About the age of 26 I was treated for an enlarged prostate, due to
inflamation and possible infection.  I went to a urologist and had a
rectal exam of the prostate.  I didn't know what a prostate was, but I
knew I had a spot in my rear that got big and hard and sort of "pooched
out" when I was coming.  This doctor did something called a "prosatic
massage" to relieve the pressure from the engorgement and inflammation
and to obtain some fluid for culture and resistance to antibiotic
testing.  This experience was very profound for me.  I was incredibly
turned on by the sensation.  I can't even put it into words, it was like
coming by the penis and all the way to the deepest part of me.  I
squirted semen all over the examing table.  I was very embarrassed, but
the Dr. sort of shrugged it off and said that that happened very
occassionally if someone was sensitive there.  I am not proud of this,
but the sensation was so satisfying, I felt so clean in the office,  no
smokey bar, innuendo, fear of AIDS or other disease, that I went back
for more of these treatments.  I have gone to at least a dozen other
physicians under the guise of having prostate problemns just so I could
experience the pleasure, safety, and cleanliness of that environment and
not be encumbered with relationship problems.  The prostate discomfort
and swelling is also alleviated by this technique and I notice that I
can void much better after a good massage.  However, some Dr.s are
grossed out or feel like a boundary is crossed when I have requested
this treatment, even though it is recognized by the AMA.

I feel like this, Dr. Fitzgerald, like I would like to just make an
appt. and go in and have this done as a prophylactic measure.  I have
been allowed to masturbate during this procedure by three physicians, at
least two were gay, and the sensation and the amount of drainage is much
more than usual sex or masturbation.  I would like to be totally honest
with a doctor about this.  But I am really hung up on having someone
view me as a fetishist or a freak.  Despite the medical benefits to me
of this procedure, I have had several docs make negative comments about
me and my sexuality and one refused to see me again.  I am not
particularly charged or sexualized toward the doctor, it's more the fact
that I don't have the burden of a relationship, it's quick, it's
beneficial, feels great and I'm willing to pay.  Is their a sexologist
or sex therapy doctor that does this procedure?  Do I need a shrink?

Why am I so eroticized in this area and getting less sensitive
everywhere else?

I would like to talk to you but I live in another state and would have to have
an appointment with you telephonically.

Many thanks for your time and help.

Sincerely,  DAC

A:  While I appreciate your concern about disease, what you describe is not rocket science and can be done even by an HIV positive digital inserter with no possibility of your infection!

My best suggestion is that you have a gay-positive doc teach you how to do this, and that you teach your lovers, be they male or female.  You'll have some problem with long and/or sharp fingernails, but that can be easily accommodated  by a "finger sleeve" -- a small hollow dildo designed to fit over a slim vibrator, which can be placed over a finger, instead.

Latex examining gloves are inexpensive and strongly recommended for both parties' sake.

What do you think?

3/14/99 Q:  Hi I have been married to my wife for 10 years and we have a great sex
>life.  We like to try all kinds of new things.  Recently my wife saw
>some pictures of fisting.  Is this a safe thing to do?  If so how should
>you go about doing it?
>Thank you,

A:   For the uninitiated, "fisting" refers to inserting the entire hand up to the wrist in someone's vagina or rectum.  There are pictures of this on the internet.  It is not for the casual lover!  It requires slow, gradual dilation of either the introitus (of the vagina) or the anus, and the mixture of pleasure and discomfort provides a powerful "nerve cocktail"  of messages to the brain that is indescribably delicious to some and absolutely horrifying to others.

My sample of people who have experienced this is small, and somewhat to my surprise, none has reported any problems with the tissue closing back to its pre-fisted size and elasticity.  I would have expected some tissue (soft or muscle) damage, resulting in fecal incontinence (having a bowel movement you can't stop) or lack of good contact with the penis during intercourse.

Just like receiving an object of any size in either opening, you do it slowly, gradually, and over days or weeks, on each event striving to achieve the dilation from the previous session, then expanding the diameter ever so slightly unless too much discomfort is experienced.

Both the introitus and the anus are amazingly elastic, but there are limits.  Plus, I am advised by the medical community that the rectal wall is a lot more fragile than the vaginal wall, so extra care must be taken to not scratch or puncture.

In general, it must be an individual decision, but I think that many people would find fisting to be not worth the effort.

READER COMMENTS?  Please let me hear from you on this.


3/14/99 Q:  Dear Sex Doc-
My boyfriend and I were talking the other day and he was and he was
saying something about "blueballs".  I acted like I knew waht he was
talking about it, but I really had no clue.  I was wondering if you
could explain to me what that means.  I would really appreciate it.

A:  "Blueballs" is the slang term for pelvic vasocongestion -- being sexually excited for a prolonged period of time without orgasm.  Yes, it is uncomfortable -- a sort of ache in the gut -- but the solution is simply to have an orgasm!

3/14/99 Q:    My wife does NOT get ANY sensation (Stmulation, arousal, pleasure, etc) during
sexual intercourse (nor does her sister) after 10 years of marriage.

Can it (lack of sensation) be changed in anyway, and can the sexual intercourse
be made more pleasurable by going to sex theorphy?

Have you come across such women, and treated/improved ?

These questiosn are very specific to her pleasure duting intercourse. She can
easily achieve orgasms if manupilated with fingers (no insertion -vibrators,
fingers, etc-are desired, nor required, nor toletared during that time!)

---Frustated and feeling cheated out of 'love making'.

A:  Only 40% of women achieve orgasm from penile-vaginal thrusting!  The rest are non-orgasmic or use fingers, vibrators, etc., before, during, or after intercourse.

This might just be the way she is.

Some women who are non-orgasmic during intercourse are inhibited or tense, and sex therapy can and often does make them comfortable enough to achieve orgasm in more flexible ways.


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