Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
Copyright (C) 1998, 1999 William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.
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Answer page #14
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A: Different foods along with hydration affect sperm. It's idiosyncratic. A heavy green leafy vegetable diet for one guy results in sweet tasting semen, where with another guy it's like strong rotting grass.
Drink LOTS of water to hydrate all your body fluids and try fruits for a day then vegetables for a day (with your wife tasting it [?])
In the final analysis, be careful that you don't turn her off to oral sex completely -- mouth action interrupted at the last minute is better than none at all.
A: In the absence of nerve damage, I doubt that there is any physical reason why you feel nothing. The childhood rape could easily account for it, however, (unfortunately).
I suggest a check-out by an OB-GYN alerting that person to the childhood trauma. If that yields nothing correctable, you are an excellent candidate for advanced psychosexual therapy. For the sake of your quality of life for the rest of your life, get help.
When I am masturbating and I am about to ejaculate I come but just before
it comes out, I squeeze hard and pump my penis with my hand. So it
is like I am teasing my semen to come out then go back in. While
I am pumping nothing comes out and the orgasm is more intense than if I
had let it out. I do this until the orgasm feeling is over then I
release whatever semen is in my penis out. Most of the time it is
very little instead of a lot like when I don't hold it in. It is
also a lot less messy. My question is whether or not this is harmful.
I did it a lot when I was younger, but stopped recently since I thought
about how it might be bad. I've heard that semen comes out eventually
so I thought maybe it just came out later.
Thanks for taking the time to read and answer my question.
21yr old male WA, USA
A: Dear Concerned,
You are most likely causing retrograde ejaculation. When your pelvic muscles squeeze against your seminal vesicles, where semen is stored, the fluid is ejected into your urethra. If it can't get out forward, through your penis, is gets squirted backward, up into your bladder. The next time you urinate, out it comes. No harm, just makes for interesting urine texture.
If by having sex .. she can become pregnant ? both of us dont have AIDS
there any chances of getting it ? Will she loose her Virginity because of anal
Please help me
Ill be looking fwd to ur answer ASAP
A: Dear Question-Asker and Dear Readers:
I have ben waiting for a question like this ...
In days of old and still in some parts of the world today, where a "pure" woman (virgin) is much more valuable than "damaged goods" (not a virgin), an intact hymen was proof positive. Never mind that many a hymen never forms or recedes and gets resorbed all by itself. If she didn't bleed (from a ripped hymen) on her wedding night, she was suspected of being "loose" (Ah, what damage we do to ourselves with all these head trips!) In some parts of the world today, on the wedding night, when the bride cries out, her relatives rush in with a chicken, cut off its head, and deposit blood everywhere on the sheets, rendering ambiguous whether she was a virgin or not (I kid you not, people).
When I taught Human Sexuality at De Anza College several years ago, an olive-skinned student approached me and volunteered that as a sixteenth birthday present, his parents sent him to Sicily for the Summer, to get to know his cousins and his cultural roots. His Sicilian cousins, as a sixteenth birthday present, gave him a "date" with a prostitute, considering that he was sexually inexperienced. Although nervous, he responded to her manual ministrations with a fine erection, but when he attempted penetration, she grabbed a handful of lubricant, coated his penis and her butt liberally, flipped over and guided him into her rectum, explaining "I'm a good Catholic girl, and I'm going to be a virgin on my wedding night!" Yes, he penetrated her, had anal intercourse, and ejaculated (with a condom, of course -- this is, after all, a safe sex program!). So: Did he "lose" his virginity? Was the prostitute still a virgin? By the way, readers, I can't make this stuff up.
If giving a guy a hand job is petting, and giving a guy a blow job is heavy petting, is anal sex not "real sex"? Is it still not "going all the way"? Why am I irresistibly reminded of the famous statement "I did not have sex with that woman, Ms Lewinsky"?
Technically, focusing on virginity as exclusive first rights to impregnate a woman (forget about birth control and condoms here, folks, they weren't around when this concept of virginity was important), anything except penile penetration of the vagina is permissible. Does this answer the question?
p.s. Any of you have a similar interesting account to share?
3/23/99 A reader comments: HELLO. I WAS HAD A COMMENT ON THE FOLLOWING QUESTION AND THOUGHT I MIGHT SHARE MY OPINION IN THE HOPES THAT IT COULD CLEAR UP A MISUNDERSTANDING AS TO WHAT THE WORD VIRGINITY MEANS.
THE QUESTION WAS: "will my girlfriend loose her virginity because of
THE WORD VIRGINITY IS SYNONYMOUS TO PURITY. NOW I ASK YOU, IS A GIRL
HAS EXPERIENCED ANAL AND/OR ORAL SEX, BUT NOT PENILE PENETRATION INTO
HER VAGINA, STILL PURE?
THE WHITE WEDDING DRESS SYMBOLIZES PURITY AND IF A WOMAN WANTS TO WALK
DOWN THE AISLE IN WHITE (BOTH HER DRESS AND HER SOUL) SHE SHOULD MAKE IT
A PART OF EVERYTHING SHE DOES AND DOES NOT DO.
I AM A CATHOLIC 19 YEAR OLD FEMALE AND HAVE GROWN UP LISTENING TO THE
IDEA OF AN INTACT HYMEN AND A WHITE WEDDING DRESS. I BELIEVE THAT MANY
PEOPLE MAKE Their OWN HYPOCRITICAL Exceptions TO WHAT PURITY MEANS.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE NOT A VIRGIN UNLESS YOU ARE TRULY PURE AND A
WHO HAS DONE EVERYTHING OTHER THAN PENILE Penetration IN TO HER VAGINA
IS NOT PURE!
I WISH THAT PEOPLE WOULD STOP MAKING STUPID Exceptions AND DECIDE WHAT
KING OF PERSON THEY ARE GOING TO BE. EITHER YOU ARE GOING TO STICK WITH
YOUR RELIGION'S COMMANDMENTS AND DOGMAS OR YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE YOUR
LIFE AS YOU DICTATE.
A PERSON CAN NOT BE BOTH. TO BE IN A STATE OF PURITY ONE MUST
IN ALL ASPECTS OF MIND, SOUL, AND LIFE.
SO, AS FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE WONDERING IF YOU CAN BE PURE AFTER
HAVING ANAL OR ORAL SEX, YOU CANNOT!
YOU CAN TRY TO CONVINCE YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE BUT IT IS NOT DIFFICULT TO
UNDERSTAND WHY THOSE ACTIONS WOULD TAKE YOU OFF THE PURE CATEGORY.
ANOTHER SUGGESTION, IS TO NOT LET YOUR RELIGIOUS OR MORAL Beliefs RUIN
YOUR LIFE. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU, NOT CONFUSE YOU. THEY WERE
PASSED DOWN BY FAMILIES AND CHURCHES TO HELP YOU IN YOUR QUEST FOR
HAPPINESS. IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX, YOU ARE HUMAN. WHAT YOU DECIDE TO DO
WITH THAT URGE SHOULD COME FROM A WELL-THOUGHT OUT DECISION, A DECISION
THAT YOU HAVE TO BE COMPLETELY SURE ABOUT IN ORDER TO FEEL AT PEACE
WITH YOURSELF. REMEMBER THAT BEING AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN Achieving ORGASM AND MAKING YOUR PARENTS PROUD. IT IS
SOMETHING THAT WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE TO Achieve.
A: Dear Larry,
Unfortunately, retarded ejaculation is one of the most elusive of the sexual dysfunctions. Because there are so many possible reasons for it, there is no self-help protocol for you to try. This needs face to face therapy.
In general, and I emphasize that I am not asserting that this is the case for you, when either a man or a woman is exceptional in their sexual prowess, they tend to let the other aspects of a relationship slip, resting on the laurels of their sexual value. I suspect that your relationships don't fizzle after six months because your sex partners are unable to accomplish their mission to bring you to orgasm. I encourage you to de-brief them or to assess the extent to which you might have become lax in romance, emotional support, flattery and attentiveness, etc.
And dear reader, please note: This is NOT a "blessing in disguise". Guys: don't wish you could "last forever". This is a Midas touch! Any questions?
On the subject of orgasm, I was one of those who found it difficult
in general. I had always been shy approaching sexual activityand never
derived pleasure from any advances. Like many, I hadn't experienced any
negative advances in my childhood. I had started masturbating rather early
and up until this last year (I'm 19) I felt as if it was wrong and would try
to stop many an unsuccessful time. I have been with my current boyfriend for
six month now and he has bee a godsend.
The first month or so was very awkward as I had never been sexual
of true experience or necessary care of my feelings. I was unable to achieve
orgasm through any stimulation (I am still a virgin) and we went through many
nights questioning possible guilt and/or feelings of dislike and distrust.
Over time, talking became our solution. We slowed down a little bit, "started
from scratch" one might say. I learned to be comfortable with him in all
senses and he paid attention to what my body was feeling. We started first
with oral stimulation to the clitoris and discussed my possible fear of
"letting go." I forgot about the fear that I was going to pee, as that's what
I felt like, and soon began to enjoy every touch to my body.
Thanks to persistance without pressure, I learned to relax and have
pursued a very enjoyable and seemingly never ending sexual realtionship with
my boyfriend. He's has also taught me about how I can pleasure him. To all
those women who can't achieve an orgasm: find that man who will care for you,
caress you, love you, pay attention to you, know you, listen to you, and talk
to you. I have found that in this relationship over any other, communication
has been the key. I believe it to be the start of any wonderful relationship.
P.S. Once you find this person, hold on to them and be all of the
A: Men have used the excuse "you make me feel so good" to project responsibility for their premature ejaculation onto their sexual partner for centuries. It's a cop out.
An affair would seriously complicate your life -- either you'd regret it, in which case you would prefer to have not done it, or you'd want more, and that, too, is a problem.
I encourage you two to get into couples counseling
-- you both need a mediator to balance the equation. Do it sooner
than later -- the longer this goes on the worse it gets (and the
longer it takes to straighten out in therapy).
A: I suggest that you own your body's unique response and that you tell him or show him exactly where and how your body responds best.
Only if you want sexual satisfaction.
I know, I know, you're thinking "That's easy for HIM
(sexdoc) to say ...
It was great, my question is that I am worried about getting her pregnant. Isn't everybody. What are the risks of my partner getting pregnant? Are they worse or better than straight vaginal sex? How much could I cut down the risk by using a condom. I know for a fact that my partner does not have any std's and I know for a fact that I don't either. So I'm not scared about that, I am only scared about hurting any vital organs and producing a child. If I always lubricate well and prepare her for anal sex slowly by using fingers to her consent, do I have any other risks to worry about?
I have searched your message boards, but haven't found any questions quite like this. Most talk about std's and having comfortable anal sex, I just want to know about the pregnancy thing and about other safety procedures to go by.
I value your opinion highly and would greatly appreciate any help you can give.
Thank you very much,
A: Dear L,
The gastro-intestinal tract and the reproductive organs are two distinctly different systems. Sperm in the rectum cannot get into the vagina internally.
Your greatest concern regarding pregnancy is if semen oozes from her anus and gets somehow transported into her vagina.
There is also the unlikely event of her rectal contents irritating the tip of your penis.
The other risk you have to worry about is the age of
statutory rape in your state. In California, a person over 18 who
has sex with a person under 18 is guilty of statutory rape -- that is such
sex is automatically considered rape in the statutes (laws) because the
person under 18 is considered by law too young to give informed consent.
Be careful this does not get known by anyone. In California, teachers,
psychologists, medical doctors, etc., are called "mandated reporters" and
by law MUST report such things under threat of criminal and civil prosecution
if they do not.
I am a 20 year old male and have a sexual question to ask you.
tried to read all of the other questions and the one one I want to
ask, did not seem directly in there, so I hope I am not wasting your
time. If so, I am sorry, but from I read, this is not posted.
The other night my girlfriend and I were being intimate and we were
ready to have sex. Everything seemed normal, I had an erection,
although not a very hard one, but I got a condom on and everything
seemed normal. The only problem was, although I maintained an
erection, I could not insert my penis into her vagina. We tried every
position, but it did not seem like my erection was hard enough to
insert. We are both virgins and we have been dating for 2 years now
but this has been the second time this has happened, this is not a terrible
thing, but it makes me nervous for the future. She was fine with it and nothing
was said that "I couldn't get it in." Is this a usual problem? I
maintained an erection and all, so I do not feel impotent. Could it
be because she is a virgin and "tight." (please excuse the term, but
I cannot think of a better way to say it) What could I do to help?
Would lubrication be the answer? Is this a major physical problem or
could it be something like "performance anxiety." I really don't
know. The first time it happened, emotionally, I did not want to
have sex and I thought that was the reason. This time, I was very
willing and ready, and aroused, but still could not perform. Is
there something I should do for this problem that would harden my
erection, or is there something she could do. We are very close and
open, so I could talk to her about anything. I am 20 and from what I
have read, this should not happen to someone my age. What baffles me
is that I have an erection and plenty sex drive, but I am not "hard
enough" to do anything. Please excuse the length of this message.
I would appreciate a reply if at all possible.
Thank you for your time.
A: Dear ML,
While it is not common for a 20-year old to have this "problem" it is common for a virgin to experience it.
Thank you for a question that I know is on the mind of many lovers with modest experience.
If you pushed the tip of your penis into the vaginal opening, and your penis buckled -- that is, started to fold in half, then the "problem" is your erection. If your penis bent some but didn't buckle, the cause is a combination of her lubrication and her relaxation.
Don't "perform". Play. Wash your hands in bactericidal soap (I prefer Lever 2000 unscented or Safeguard), rinsing totally. Then, with a lubricant handy, hug, kiss, pet, rub her clitoris, and when she says she's really turned on, gently probe her labia and vagina with a middle finger. If she is lubricating, dip your finger into her vagina and spread her slipperiness around her labia. If she is not clenching her introitus (opening to the vagina), you should be able to insert one, then two fingers in as far as possible, then three fingers up to the second knuckle (a little more than half way along the finger). If it feels like there is not enough lubrication, add some (K-Y jelly warmed up by soaking the closed tube in a glass of hot water, or K-Y liquid are great), then see if you can get your three fingers in up to the second knuckle. If she is tight, encourage her to breathe deeply as you work your fingers in and out. For most women, the pleasure is intense and encourages introital relaxation. Let her introitus dilate slowly and gradually. Because she's a virgin this is uncharted territory for her reptilian brain and it needs to realize that this feels really good.
While moving your three fingers slowly in and out, position your penis near the vagina. When you remove your fingers, have those fingers hold your penis and place the tip of your penis against her introitus. Make sure the penis is coated with her lubrication or the K-Y, and push forward gently but firmly. It should go in.
MAKE SURE that you use birth control, and don't be surprised if you ejaculate almost immediately. YOUR reptilian brain is learning, too, and a hot slippery vagina is much more neurologically stimulating than your hand.
In return for this professional advice, please let me know what happens when you try this. Specifically, was this explicit enough? Did you know exactly what behavior to engage in, step by step? Other readers are invited to provide feedback to me, also.
2/22/99 He writes back:
I just wanted to thank you for your advice from my
about not being able to have sex because of a problem of not being
able to insert my penis into her vagina because she was a virgin.
You were absolutely right and the results were fantastic.
that after your response that the "problem" was that she was a
virgin and instead of worrying about it, I should have been thankful
that she didn't lie to me or anything. I followed your advice but I
did have to make some minor changes, which I will explain because you
said that people would be interested. Well, I made sure to buy extra
lubricated condoms and K-Y Jelly just to be safe. The hardest part
of the whole night, was telling my girlfriend that she was "tight"
and that I was going to use something a little more lubricated, so I
had let it go after she reacted badly and left it upon myself to make it work. I was
surprised at the fact that she was upset and maybe you can shed the
light on why, I thought it was a totally natural thing that she was a
virgin and thus, tight. I told her in terms that it was natural and
I would need to use a little lubrication, but she was upset. I don't
Anyway, after plenty of foreplay, we were prepared.
the K-Y Jelly pocketed, but didn't need it anyway. I did exactly
what you said, although I did not really understand all of the terms
at first, but I could feel my way around and know what aroused her.
The one minor modification was that she was one top, in kind of a
sitting position at first, so that she could guide my penis in. This
worked well, because I had a very easy angle to stimulate her
clitoris and other sensitive spots, so that she would also relax. The main
reason this worked was that it was less awkward for me to insert my
penis into her vagina, but also she could control how firmly I entered, by her own
weight, but also it made it easier to insert too because of her
weight on top of me, it worked really well. I also did what you said
and used three fingers to open her up a bit. Usually when we are
together I do that and only use two, so she was
in a little pain, but it really helped to not only stimulate her, but
also prepare her for what was going to be in her. I used
her lubrication on me too, and the extra lubricated condom, worked
well, and after a little playing, about 5 minutes, it was fairly easy
to insert myself in her. We then flipped over to where I was on top,
and I gently thrust to make sure that she was not in too much pain.
to my surprise, I did not ejaculate as fast as I thought I would.
Maybe it was because I was going slow and gentle, but we went at it
for about 20 minutes, and it seemed to both of us to be worth the
time and effort.
I'm sure that you knew that this would turn out this
way and the only
reason I explained in detail is because I am so happy that it did.
You were so complete with your advice, I thought that it is only
curtious to be equally as complete with the results that you asked
for. I'm sorry if this is more than you needed or wanted to know.
Your advice was unbiased and invaluable. Thank you.
I have many friends that have similar problems and
I want you to know
that I have recommended you to all of them. Your web page is the
perfect place for advice that is professional and complete, plus a
speedy response too. Thank you again for such a quick and complete
explanation to my question and I will be sure to continue to
recommend you and read your page for truly wonderful answers to
important questions. Thanks.
A: Orgasms can be triggered by many different things, although that is rare, and some people experience "spontaneous orgasms".
You're not a "bad guy" -- you are incompatible with this woman at the present time. It's her body and you are imposing a "guy" idea -- that having you bring her to orgasm makes you feel more competent. While you focus on her control issues of "letting go", I suggest that you look at your own feelings about controlling her.
Find a woman who adores you for bringing her to thunderous
orgasms, and encourage this woman to keep in touch as a friend.
I just recently started having intercourse with my boyfriend.
cannot seem to obtain an orgasm through penile-vagnial sex. I have visited
your website and read that only 40% of females do have one, AND that you brain
gets into a routine of how to obtain an orgasm, (which is what mine has done)
but one question is left unanswered. HOW do I change that? I desperately
want to orgasm from thrusting, but I don't know how to be stimulated
differently than with his hand or mouth. He believes he is doing something
wrong when I know it's me. Please tell me how to change my mind's routine.
And also, .... G-spot? I'm not clear on that term.. please explain, I need
your help. Any answers will be greatly appreciated.
A: Most women who do not experience orgasm from thrusting alone get their clitoris stimulated by her or by her lover, while thrusting is going on, or they have an orgasm before or after intercourse or not at all.
A minority of women have re-trained their brain by clitoral stimulation simultaneously with thrusting either by hand or with a vibrator.
Some find that certain positions result in orgasm while others do not. Which brings me to the G-spot.
THE G-SPOT IS LOCATED in the upper wall of the vagina 2 to 3 inches in. With a woman already quite aroused and lying on her back with her legs drawn up and spread, insert a middle finger as far as possible and rub the pad of the finger against the upper wall, toward the pubic bone. Move the pad front to back, left to right, and in small circles while gently pulsing it up toward the pubic bone. Feel for something between a pea-sized bump and a raised area the size of a fifty-cent coin that will come down from the upper wall in 15 seconds to 5 minutes. If you don't feel it or if she says she feels nothing different, she probably doesn't have one. If she does have one, read below for g-spot multiple orgasm instructions.
I speculate that certain positions result in orgasm where others do not because of the drag on the labia that pulls on the clitoral hood, that stimulates the clitoris, that triggers the orgasm (deep breath), AND because of the angle of the penis relative to the angle of the woman's pelvis. If the head of the penis is rubbing against the g-spot, the probability of orgasm is increased. I suspect that this is also operative in women who have orgasms from anal sex but not vaginal sex: especially if the man is taller and they are having anal intercourse "doggy style", his penis would be directed more toward her pubic bone. The tissue separating the rectum from the vagina is very thin, so penile thrusting angled that way would likely be driving the g-spot crazy (along with the substantial stimulation from the anal intercourse itself).
Feedback from readers? Did you find a g-spot?
Please write back
A: Dear Steve,
RELAX! Different people mature physiologically (their body) at different rates, that's why there are so-called "early bloomers" and "late bloomers". When your internal organs mature enough, you will have fluid come out. Be patient.
First let me say that the very idea of this website is too wonderful
words. I found it quite by accident, but it gives me an opportunity to
ask a couple of questions I've had for a long time. I'm a 25 year old
male college student and living with my 28 year old girlfriend of five
years (living together for the last 4 1/2 or so). I feel that we're
exceptionally happy together and we communicate fairly easily about
almost everything, sex included. I think we have a pretty decent sex
life, although my sexual appetite is definitely bigger than hers.
Anyway, on to my questions...
I'll start with the 'easy' one ;) I've always found a shaved pussy
be highly arousing, infinitely more so than one surrounded by the usual
pubic hair. I don't think it has anything to do with it looking more
virginal or like a little girl (these were my girlfriend's initial
thoughts), I just think it prevents a neater, more attractive package.
Besides, you're less likely to get hair in your mouth when you give oral
sex, which I like to do. I digress... My girlfriend has agreed to shave
for me (more accurately, she's allowed me to shave her since it's a bit
hard for her to reach everything) but I can't help but think that we're
doing things the hard way. When I look at still photos or watch porn
movies, all the shaved actresses appear to be as smooth as silk (i.e.,
no stubble, razor burn, goose-bumps or anything like that). My gf and I
have been unable to achieve that result for any lasting period. After
about a day her smoothly shaved skin becomes stubbly and after three of
four days, the stubble starts to irritate her surrounding skin sometimes
as it grows back in.
How do all these actresses achieve this wonderful, hairless state?
know what it does to my face to shave daily and I won't even think of
doing that to my girlfriend, besides which neither of us have the time
do it during the week. Is there a better way than the ol' razor? Any
resources you can point me to for this would be greatly appreciated by
both my girlfriend and myself ;)
Okay, now for a question that I fancy lends itself more to your
expertise. I've been masturbating semi regularly (i.e., when the moment
strikes me) since I was in my teens. When I orgasm through
masturbation, the sensation is very intense (vision gets blurry, muscles
tremble a bit, etc.) and highly pleasurable. When I orgasm through
intercourse with my partner, then sensation is very different and much
less intense or satisfying.
I've only had two partners, but intercourse with both proved less
satisfying than masturbation from a strict, orgasm centric point of view
(in all other respects, having sex with a partner beats masturbation for
me any day - no pun intended). When I orgasm through receiving oral sex
from my partner, it is much more intense and satisfying then
intercourse. I wouldn't say it's better or worse than masturbation, but
it's definitely a different type of sensation.
I've talked about the differences with my gf a bit, and beyond both
us briefly pondering the why?'s of it all, we didn't get very far. We
were open, we just didn't come up with any great ideas.
An obvious solution would be to mix more oral sex into our lovemaking,
but that presents other problems... my gf likes vaginal intercourse more
than any other form of stimulation. I can bring her to orgasm in other
ways, but this is by far how she prefers to reach it. She doesn't want
to go down on me after we've had intercourse (I can understand that, but
it wouldn't bother me if she did either), but if she brings me to orgasm
before intercourse she'll have to wait a while for my body to catch up
with her. It's an odd sort of catch-22. The vast majority of our
lovemaking ends with me orgasming inside her during intercourse (feeling
me cum inside her is her favorite part). I'd have to say that I'd
rather have intercourse than receive oral sex, even though the orgasms
aren't as good. It means a great deal to me to be able to make my
girlfriend happy and satisfied - so much so that I will put that before
my own pleasure most of the time.
It really bothers me that my orgasms from intercourse are so...
disappointing. I'd been led to expect so much more from everything I
heard about sex as I was growing up (I didn't have sex until I was 19,
incidentally). It also bothers me that I get more satisfaction from
masturbating than I do from having sex with my partner because I really
want to be able to share that satisfaction with her. When I get her
really worked up to a great orgasm, and watch her go through the whole
experience, it honestly makes me jealous that my own orgasms are so
Is there a way to make my orgasms from intercourse more satisfying?
Much thanks for any answers you can provide. I hope you can continue
with this website, as it is a wonderful resource!
A: I know that my site has tons of information on it, but I wish you had read the material I posted several months ago regarding female genital shaving. Alas, if your girlfriend had the motivation the porn stars do, she which shave every day and be thankful for it. What you describe is universal, and I try to discourage everybody from starting the practice. Once someone is clean shaven, they must either stay that way every day, or suffer the consequence of the itching and irritation you describe. With a slight play on words, "grow back is a bitch".
***** 6/21/99 A reader volunteers:
I don't actually have a question, more of a statement to a previous question I saw. I would like to say that I find your website extremely informative and have often read other people's questions and found that I still have a lot to learn and as long as I believe that, I should be OK. My statement concerns shaving the genitals of both men and women. About three years ago, my wife walked up to me carrying a bowl of warm water, a razor and a towel and asked me to shave her clean. I found this to be very erotic and enjoyed the task. She has been clean shaven ever since. Sometimes I do the job for her and sometimes she does it herself. I am never disappointed when I go down on her and feel her velvety skin. She is a natural blonde and has very fine hair, so that may be why she doesn't have any trouble. I also find her genitals very attractive being shaved. I would say that much like shaving your face, after a little while, you get used to it. Also she doesn't have to worry about hair in the bikini line. Myself, I keep my scrotum shaved clean and trim the other areas to keep from being too hairy. My thought is that when my wife goes down on me, she doesn't need any extra hair getting in the way. She very much likes the shape I make my hair. She says it looks sexy. And again, I shave about twice a week and have found that I have gotten quite used to it and have no problems with a rash or grow back. I suggest that if anyone's wife has asked you to shave for her, try it and keep up with it for a few weeks. You both might be surprised with the results. Thank you
***** Now to continue with the 2/7/99 response:
The in regard to your body's response to different sexual events, this is a complex phenomenon that involves both your peripheral nerve endings, and your brain's interpretation of that stimulation. Unfortunately, a lot of things get away of your free sexual response. When you masturbate, you are free to fantasize about practically anything, and you have an immediate feedback loop which tells you went to speed up, slowdown, exert more pressure, etc.. During penile-vaginal intercourse, in addition to fantasizing, most guys are also thinking about whether they are pleasing their partner, how long they can last, the latest football scores, etc.. I encourage you to appreciate the differences among the different sensations and your different responses to the different circumstances. Think of it as beef, pork, and lamb. They are similar but different, and if you eat enough, you will feel satisfied.
A: You don't say whether the farts are vaginal or rectal. In either case, it is an indication that her pelvic musculature is returning to its pre-excited state. I suggest that you both interpret the farts as an indication of how excited she was, and that you both interpret it as a very positive sign. Please get back to me with both your reactions.
Also, I recently emailed you about finding my girlfriend's G-spot, if
exists. I just wanted to let you know that I did find it and that she loves
Also, because you have always answered my questions quickly and
professionally, I have recommended you to my circle of email friends. I saw
on your web page that in order to keep your service free, you needed people
like me to do that.
Thanks for all your help,
A: Dear Mark,
Thanks for the e-mail.
Women with a g-spot (some seem to not have one) can be multi-orgasmic by simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and the g-spot. The clitoris is the first, second, and third gears, then the g-spot is overdrive, nudged along by some clitoral stimulation. It takes practice for BOTH! As she gets close to orgasm transition from 70% clitoral stimulation - 30% g-spot, to more equal amounts of movement. When she starts to spasm, give her constant g-spot stimulation varying direction, pressure, and speed, and when she starts to react less, augment the g-spot stimulation with clitoral stimulation. You never stop the g-spot stimulation (until she BEGS you to, from exhaustion) -- just do it faster, slower, front to back, side to side, in circles, pulsing up and down with more and less pressure of your finger tip. While doing this when she starts to settle down, add clitoral stimulation. When she is "dieseling" -- scalloping in wave after wave of contractions, gradually reduce the clitoral stimulation.
It's highly idiosyncratic! Some women can be kept constantly orgasming from g-spot stimulation alone (for 30 minutes ....). Others need constant vigorous, simultaneous clitoral and g-spot stimulation. And it will vary from sexual event to sexual event.
Please let me know what happens.
An experienced sex therapist could deal with this in one to three therapy sessions. An inexperienced or biased general psychotherapy person would likely say that this was terrible, nasty, and the downfall of modern civilization.
As an experienced sex therapist my message is to be thankful that he is doing stuff by himself at no risk to either of you. You both got beat up about how beautiful and wonderful sex is, so there are feelings of shame and compulsion associated with what feels absolutely great!
I suggest that you and he make a pact that he
can do what he wants so long as 1) it doesn't cost too much (budget it),
2) it puts neither of you at risk of a disease, 3) it does not violate
your promise of mutual monogamy and sexual exclusivity, and 4) it doesn't
interfere with life's obligations like doing things with you, work, school,
sleep, chores, etc.
I wonder if you have any idea how much help you are to some of us less
educated individuals?? But then again I guess you must realize the need or
wouldn't be doing it. I just want to tell you again thank you very much!!!!
I have never really had alot of knowledge about these kinds of matters and
much to embraced to ask. Thank God for giving man a brain to invent such
wonderful things as computers and Thank you for your time to make them so
A: Dear Panty Appreciater,
You are yet another casualty of the Great American Misinformation about Sex! Relax! Such a fetish -- having an object or procedure that is a major eroticizer -- is extremely common! It's just that people don't openly discuss them. The anonymity of the internet facilitates communication, and I am sure there are dozens of chat rooms and groups devoted to panties, silk, etc.
This is not pathological or any kind of sickness -- it reflects a connection you made most likely between age 2 and age 15 (I know, that's broad) between sexual excitement and panties. There are hundreds of thousands (at least) of men who routinely wear panties to work or out for the evening (as any experienced emergency room nurse will tell you). Many of them have wives or girlfriends who make a gift of panties one of the special and very private gifts for Christmas, Hanukkah, or a birthday. And there are some couples who play the "game" that he may not wear panties that day unless she says he can -- and she selects the pair and calls him at work demanding that he confirm that he still has them on. You can believe that they are doing something sexual within 10 minutes they both are home that night.
There are as many fetishes as there are objects and procedures: noses, rubber, leather, bras and slips as well as panties, spanking, enemas, talking "dirty", feet, pseudo-castration (male made to wear very tight underwear to suppress appearance of external male genitalia), role playing, etc. When they ADD to the sexual experience, as an enhancement from time to time, they contribute to quality of life and variety. If they are REQUIRED for the sexual experience -- you can't be sexual without them -- they diminish quality of life because they reduce flexibility.
I encourage you and your wife to re-think this matter and make it a playful, private adjunct to your other sex behavior with each other.
Please let me know what you think.
1/29/99 He writes again:
Thanks alot for making me feel "normal". I hope I can approach the
subject with my wife again, I have hinted at it, hopefully one day it will
part of our "repertoire". Thanks again, I will let you know when it does
happen, you provide a great service to the community of the world.
You are welcome. This is the kind of matter to which my first thought is "Jeez, give me a break, America"
The real problems are the child molesters, pedophiles, necrophilics (sex with dead people) and coprophagics (who get a sexual thrill from eating fecal matter). So a dash of erotic cross-dressing is ho-hum to the extreme to me.
Because I KNOW that your concern is shared with many others, I put your Q/A on Answers page #14.
Please print this entire e-mail and ask your wife to read it, then e-mail me her reaction (or invite her to e-mail me).
My husband and I have been married for 13 years. It's been hard
stayed together. I know that my husband is faithful to me but recently he
started telling me about these dreams he has. He works the midnight shift
and sleeps during the day while I work and the kids are at school. This is
when these dreams occur. He has very vivid dreams about having sex, anal
sex and oral sex with other women. Some of them we know personally, others
are just faces he's seen at the gym or just around. The first time he was
telling me about these dreams was when we were having sex, and I hate to
admit it but as he went into detail, I found myself very aroused.
Afterward, I was upset. I have not had dreams of having sex with anyone
else. I felt betrayed. I try to stay positive by saying it's only a dream,
he's not actually having sex with someone else. Please let me know if this
is something I should be worried about. Thanks,
He's dreaming and I'm crying.
A: Let me please reassure you in the strongest possible terms that dreams are fantasies -- solely serving the function of arousal and excitement. The single greatest theme in women's fantasies is being "taken" in a forceful and non-injurious way -- which admirably serves the agenda of being sexual with being responsible for the decision.
This theme is a billion dollar seller idea in "romance novels". She's in distress, so a handsome stranger sweeps her off her feet and makes mad passionate love with her.
I am delighted that you BOTH are aroused by the dreams and fantasies! It proves that you have open imaginative minds! There are whole books written about sexual fantasy.
Get a paperback copy of Nancy Friday's books "Women on Top" and "Men in Love". Each time you are going to make love, one of you read a fantasy from those books to the other and see how exciting the sex is! Treat them like a precious commodity -- don't read more than one or two at a sexual event or you'll run out of them.
It's OK to think anything. It's not OK to act on it outside the marriage.
Please let me know your reaction to this, now, and after you start reading Nancy Friday's books.
This is me again.
I spent last weekend with my boyfriend.
Things are improving, as I believe.
He suggested to get me into a usual position where I can reach orgasm. It
did not work again. I was sitting and laying on top of him, and nothing
worked. Finally, I got tired. Then he sat on the bed with his legs
stretched. I was sitting on his lap facing him. It felt pretty good. I layed
on my back in the same position, and he used a vibrator on my clitoris while
stroking me. I was getting hotter and hotter. Finally, I felt that I was not
able to control myself anymore. I felt as if I were getting mad, losing my
mind.... I even started to say something in a different language I know....
And finally, I started to cum. It was incredible. Such a strong continuing
orgasm. I was screaming and crying.... It seemed like it would never stop. I
was exhausted so much because it was going on and on for such a long time.
Finally, I should ask my boyfriend to stop.
I read in one of your postings about stimulating the G-spot and clitoris at
the same time and the effect of doing so. It sounds pretty much like what I
have experienced last time.
Thank you again for your time, Doc.
I'll keep in touch.
A worried Wife
I suspect that your husband does not know that only about 40% of women are able to have an orgasm from penile thrusting alone. The rest don't have an orgasm, or they touch their clitoris, or their partner touches their clitoris, or they achieve orgasm before or after intercourse in a variety of ways (hand, mouth, vibrator, etc.).
Many men are confused and threatened by this because they think it is a reflection of their prowess -- and because the former woman had orgasms, it's your fault that you don't.
Your biggest sex organ is between your ears -- which is probably why you were orgasmic from intercourse alone with the former lover by whom you were so turned on.
I strongly suggest that you two go to a sex therapist now, before this gets to be a bigger problem. Most sex therapists LOVE to work on sexual enhancement rather than sexual dysfunction. Yes, there are things that can be done to address your attractiveness to each other sexually, but I do not know of any that are predictably effective as self-help -- only what works with therapist involvement
Please let me know what happens.
2.) If a man has drank some of his own ejaculation and there will obviously
sperm of his own in his mouth and say he wants to lick his partners vagina
without the worry of getting her pregnant with the sperm in his mouth, how
long does the man have to wait till he can pleasure her orally without the
worry of pregnancy and how long does it take for sperm to die in a persons
3.) If a person washes there body with soap, will that eliminate all
the persons body if they wash themselves well. And say there is sperm in the
mouth, could the person brush their teeth well and have all the sperm killed
so that he could go pleasure his girlfriend of wife right away? If these are
not useful techniques, what else would be a better way?
Please respond to my questions when you can. Thank you for being so helpful.
A: Drinking sperm: NO CHANCE of pregnancy. Digestive juices in the stomach are seriously spermicidal, and there is no pathway between the digestive system and the reproductive system.
Sperm in his mouth: Gargling with hot water would probably do it, but for sure, a rinse with a mouthwash with alcohol (Listerine, etc.) or a shot of booze (scotch, gin, vodka, etc.) swished around in his mouth (and I'd suggest swallowing) would kill any sperm.
Sperm on the body: Water would probably rinse every sperm, but a bactericidal soap (Lever 2000, Safeguard, etc.) would definitely do the trick.
Sperm like a warm, wet, chemically neutral environment.
As you can imagine it is very difficult to achieve orgasm during
because it is difficult to find a position where either myself or my partner
can manually stimulate my clitoris in addition to keeping my legs straight and
not spread very far apart. I had only one lover who I was able to achieve
orgasm with during intercourse. He was able to make love to me while my legs
were straight and slightly parted while I manually stimulated my clitoris.
However, the reason for this was because he had a very large penis.
My current partner feels very strongly that this is some silly psychological
hang up that I have and that it is his mission to have me achieve orgasm
through vaginal intercourse alone (no clitoral stimulation). But first I have
to get over the legs straight thing.
My two questions are 1) Could it be a physical reason why I need to
certain muscles to achieve orgasm? 2) Are there physical reasons why women
cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone?
A: Dear straight legs,
Please gently ask your boyfriend not to venture a diagnosis in the absence on greater knowledge. Reliable surveys indicate that only about 40 percent of American women achieve orgasm during penile-vaginal intercourse alone. The rest need more clitoral stimulation than can be accomplished using just penile thrusting.
It is extremely common for men and for women to tense various muscle groups either during sexual stimulation or as an enhancement to trigger orgasm. The "problem" is that this becomes a reinforced behavior, and it progressively over time gets to be depended upon for response to any sexual stimulation.
Your options are to either re-train your body to respond with orgasm to stimulation while your legs are not tense, or to experiment with different sexual positions that allow straight legs with tensed muscles and access to your clitoris for additional stimulation.
I hope this helps. Thanks for great question. It's the first in 1999.
A: Unfortunately, yes.
This is most often articulated by women as "my body betrayed me". Not only can and do mature women have orgasms when stimulated in the same way as their childhood abuse, the same phenomenon occurs, unfortunately, with rape victims who are absolutely outraged when they become aware that their vagina is lubricating and/or that their nipples are becoming erect.
12/14/98 Q: doc, i'm 14 years of age..i want to have sex with my boyfriend. he has made it clear to me he would like to aslo. but it is my decision.. because i'm the one contimplating it. i really do love him and i know he loves me. we've been through 7 months together. i really dont want an answer to this question like' your too young' because i really dont see the difference of me loving him the way i do now compared to if we were 30. i dont see. my friend and i have a bet that we will have sex on new years .this isnt my goal or anything. i want to wait til i'm truly ready and i know i'm not 'now'. but my question is,"will it hurt?" i've read up on it and asked but i want to know if i'll grunt,scream.. what the main effect will be. i also have a high pain tollerence. i know i might/will bleed a little but i also know that girls break there hymens without even knowing from simlpe things like riding a bike or gymnastics. so knowing i was like well i'll be on the bottom so if it does hurt and i make a face i can hide it like putting his head by mine..or something. like if we did on new years i could be drunk so i wouldnt feel it but i want to remeber it. so want should i do? hurt? and i know the best way to be safe and not to get pregnant and especially not for it to hurt is to.. not have sex..but i think i want to. helpful advice/ tips? thank you so much!
sincerely questioning, baffled kat
A: Dear B. Kat,
You're right: "You don't see". Let me get this straight: on New Year's eve or day you want to be drunk, experience pain and hide it because you're on the bottom, right? Where is the romance, the joy of shared enlightenment, the intimacy, the bonding, the sense of "did the earth move for you, too?"?
While you are physically able to have an erect penis penetrate your virginal vagina, you are not emotionally equipped to deal with all the emotional possibilities.
If 100 women of childbearing age use condoms as their exclusive birth control, at the end of one year two to ten will be pregnant. Are you prepared for an abortion or for carrying the child to term? Thirty-year old's are usually ready for that. Most 18 year olds are not.
You do not know what you do not know! Ask 20 females aged 20 to 30 about your plans, and I will be amazed if fewer than 17 say "WAIT!!!!". Two or three may have had sex early and are only justifying their own mistake.
Intercourse, "going 'all the way'" is a beautiful event to be shared with someone mature when you are mature. Experimenting when you are 19 or 20 is age-appropriate. What you are describing is not.
So I am not willing to aid, abet, and help you in your plans for something that I know that you will, if truthful, regret.
Please engage in heavy petting. Teach him how to bring you to orgasm with his fingers and tongue. Have him teach you how to stimulate him to orgasm with your hand or mouth, and be VERY CAREFUL that you don't get any of the liquid that comes out of his penis (no matter whether clear or white) in your vagina. Dry hump to your heart's content. But please, for your sake, don't have intercourse until you're 4-5 years older.
The most I can do is to encourage you to re-think your plans. And when you do have intercourse, please don't be drunk! It feels wonderful and you will want to remember it in glorious detail, second by second, which will not be possible if you're drunk!
12/14/98 Q: Dear Sexdoc:
I am, believe it or not, a 40 yr. old male virgin who has been battling what seems to be a very strong sex drive for most of my life. I have two problems related to each other and listed in order of importance. The main problem I have is that I get easily aroused, many times in public esp. out on a date. Because of my religious upbringing, I felt that it would be important to wait for sex until I got married, never knowing that I would wait this long (another subject in itself). And I find that many times, without any sexual intention, I found myself sporting a 'hard-on' toward my date, which can be terribly embarassing. Is there anything out on the market which can reduce the sex hormones or result (pills or cremes) so I can be physical without the resulting bulge in the pants? (It kills me to hear of these guys who can't get 'it' up, I can't keep it down).
Problem no. 2 relates to no. 1. As a result of having so many erections since 6 yrs. old, waking up to them always and many times suppressing them in blue jeans or whatever, I have managed to cause my penis to grow out with a substantial curvature downwards. The jokes about having a banana in ones pants seems pretty accurate in my case, much to my worry. I don't know if I can even perform sex with such a curve, without causing damage to the female anatomy. I have never told anyone about these items due to the embarassing nature to me. I really would appreciate an answer by email. Could you offer any suggestions/words of wisdom/etc.? Thanks for your help.
A: You're right. There are plenty of guys who would gladly give up the little finger on their left hand for your "problem".
The solution to your problem is a regular sexual partner who like to make love as often as you do. Until that happens, I suggest pleasuring yourself at least twice per week or more often as you wish.
There are no safe meds to reduce your erections.
The banana shape is perfect for more stimulation of the G-spot. Find a woman whose anatomy appreciates your shape and she will anoint your feet (and maybe other body parts) with oil!
12/11/98 Q: Doc,
I'm a 20 year old male, my girlfriend is also 20. There is nothing I like more then pleasing my girlfriend, but I rarely last longer then 5 or 10 minutes before I ejaculate during sexual intercourse. I try to stimulate her vagina with my hands and fingers before sex so that she can get more pleasure, I've also tried masturbating during the week, because we go to school I see her some weekends and that doesn't help very much either. Even when we have intercourse twice in the same day I ejaculate in about 5 or 10 minutes. I don't know what a normal amount of time is that it takes so I was wondering if this is normal. I also don't know very much about premature ejaculation, I was wondering if this could be a cause and how I might solve this problem.
Thank you for your help,
A: Dear M.,
Considering that the average time from intromission (penetration) to ejaculation is 90 SECONDS, your 5-10 minutes IS GREAT!!!! I guarantee you that right this second there are women reading this who are saying "Hot damn, I wish my guy lasted that long!"
Try pausing; try changing positions; try being more passive -- that is, try intercourse while you are on the bottom and she is in charge of directions, speed, and depth.
Re-think of this not as a problem but as great lovemaking. For your information, premature ejaculation ("PE") is defined in different ways. Some feminists define it as any time a man ejaculates before his partner does. I find that a bit harsh and arbitrary, especially considering that there are women who need 30 minutes of aggressive stimulation before they achieve orgasm.
A typical PE problem is ejaculation when just about to enter, or most frequently, when the tip of the penis touches female flesh (usually labia), or often at the end of the first stroke in and out. To be generous, PE can be defined as orgasm in less than 90 seconds.
Relax and enjoy (and find a way to bring her to orgasm without using your penis!). Don't get caught up in the myth that the only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse!
12/11/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz:
I'm a middle-aged woman who's spoken freely with my psychotherapist about my various sexual activities, practices, masturbation and enema fetish, all which I consider harmless. I've spoken about obtaining several of Lonnie Barbach's books, most recently "For Each Other" which I think is better than "For Yourself" to help women who are already orgasmic, but want to change how they reach orgasm. (i.e., with their partner instead of just masturbating, etc.)
I have for years been frustrated, only being able to reach orgasm thru masturbation in my Jacuzzi (I've written to you before about this). Following the steps outlined by Dr. Barbach, I'm attempting to change this patterning with little success at the moment. I'm very frustrated, and the problem is exacerbated by my therapy sessions now because my therapist seems to be "concerned" that I have a sex addiction.
My sex life takes a great deal of time since I'm doing exercises suggested in the books. I talk about sex in therapy more now because I'm frustrated, unable to make this orgasmic change and trying to find out why. Now, having been advised by her to read Patrick Carnes' book "Don't Call It Love" I find it suggests that having fetishes is a sign of sexual addition. It speaks of having sexual fantasies as a sign of addiction; masturbating with objects and crossdressing to add to sexual pleasure and use of pornography. (Lonnie Barbach recommends using fantasies, objects and watching pornography. I've discovered fantasies work for me and especially the pornography helps and has taught me much.) Spending hours a day involved in sexual activities is a characteristic. (Again, a must do following Dr. Barbach's recommendations) It also suggests that those with sexual addiction usually have others (food, alcohol, drug, gambling or shopping) (I have a history of eating disorders) He speaks to dysfunctional families, past and present as propelling this addiction as well. (Don't we all have one of those?) The recovery he suggests sounds very scary to me and takes years.
Perhaps he and I are just on opposite ends of the spectrum, but where he seems to be collecting data to prove that almost anyone with an active libido might fit his sex addict profile, I see many of the profile elements he labels as "problematic" to be fine as long as no one, including the prospective addict or his/her life is being hurt. This, not the specific activities or time spent on them should be the determinant factor. It also seems to me that my current "obsession" with and time spent practicing to achieve orgasm in a new way is a very positive direction in my life. I want to share this very intimate and enjoyable human experience with another person, instead of always having it alone. I'm sure some people are having a difficult struggle with sexual addictions, diagnosed and treated or not. If you've spoken to this, I've not read anything here about it. Perhaps you could explain how you think that differs from what I describe about myself, if indeed you see a difference, and, if you are familiar with Dr. Carnes' book and/or theories, in general, what is your opinion of them as valid, definitive sources on the subject of sexual addiction?
Thank you for your continued support to those of us with sexual questions and concerns.
PS And, of course, I read your page and write to you from time to time. Is that yet another sign of this addiction? YIKES! I see it everywhere. She's really got me frightened, defensive, worried, did I mention defensive? . . . . . Not a good place to be with one's therapist. I feel so frightened by this and alienated from the one person I've trusted so much. Really frightened.
A: Dear B.,
I agree with you -- much of what Carnes writes fits lots of people who I do not consider addicts!
Sex activates all kinds of stuff, and some therapists get a lot of attention labeling others as pathological -- it is a mechanism similar to the "moral majority" -- they get off being better than thou (until they're caught with a hooker, then they're suddenly human and God forgives them....).
I agree with Barbach -- and I know that it is healthy to engage in a lot of sexuality. The benchmark I use is whether it interferes with your life obligations of work, exercise, sleep, time in relationships, etc.
If you substitute for sex some other activity, like "building model train networks" or "playing bridge", or "reading romance novels -- or Shakespeare", does the "addiction" model hold water? By my definition, you can choose to spend your time as you see fit so long as there is a balance with other activities!
I am in conflict in considering how to respond to your comments about your therapist. You need to feel safe and able to say absolutely anything without fear of being misunderstood. The exceptions are what we call "mandated reporting". If you tell your therapist in California that you are going to abuse a child or murder someone, etc., we MUST report that to the authorities. But in your private life, that's confidential. One possibility is to consult another therapist about your feelings for this therapist now and ask for values clarification.
I hope this helps.
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