Copyright (C) 1998, William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D.

12/10/98 Q: Dear Sexdoc,

Help! I have been sexually active since I was 18/19. (sorry, I can't remember exactly.) i'm 27 now. This is my second marriage and i can't seem to relax enough to allow any emotion or sexual reaction be shown when we're having sex. i know this is very confusing for my husband as he can't tell when i am or have had an orgasm. This has been going on for about 6 years now. When i was first having sex, i don't think that i had this problem -- at least not to the extent it is at now. When i was first with my ex, he asked me to make a lot of noise (like calling out his name and moaning and groaning, ect.) and i did to please him even though i felt a little uncomfortable with it. He then got kicked out of the place he was living at because it 'wasn't a whorehouse". i was so embarrassed that i don't think that i've ever made any noise since. i then started on the pill and my sex drive really dropped. i thought that it was me until i stopped taking them 2 1/2 years later. i don't know when i started exactly just being there physically. Now i just kind of lie there like a bump on a log when my husband is stimulating me during sex. He says that he's lucky to get any movement at all. I always feel bad about it but no matter how hard i try to loosen up or to make some kind of movement or sound i just can't seem to do it. It also seems to take a very long time for me to relax enough for him to stimulate me enough for me to come. He always makes sure that i have at least once before he satisfies himself (for which i'm extremely grateful) but i'm afraid my communication skills while having sex are nil. We can talk about anything before or after but i just freeze during. (This is a big improvment over my first marriage.) Is there anything i can do to help myself relax enough to be free with movement and sound? i've never had any kind of sexual abuse that i know of so i don't think that could be the problem. i've been reading up on all the books i can get my hands on but i can't seem to find much on this type of thing. i won't Any of the pornos or even regular movies show the women making all sorts of noise and thrashing around. What the hell is wrong with me?!?! We've tried all sorts of different things (positions, toys, bondage, ect.) but short of getting drunk or drugging myself or something, we can't figure out a thing to do to uninhibit me. i've also heard that most women fantasize during sex but i can't seem to make myself do that either. Could that be part of the problem? I just don't feel like i should be fantasizing while my husband is there performing. Kinda like fantasies are for when you're alone or i'm cheating on him -- you know. i'd really appreciate any kind of feedback that you could give me. Thanks for having this free webpage for those of us who are too embarrassed to ask for professional help in person.

Frigid

A: Dear Frigid,

My inference is that you were pretty traumatized by the reference to a "whorehouse" and that that slammed shut the door to being uninhibited.

In my experience I find that people are born with a natural curiosity and capacity for great sexual, sensual, and pleasureable experience and response, but that socialization -- throughout life -- restricts the ability to be uninhibited.

I see a selective portion of the population: those who have not been able to solve their impediments through self-help. So I am literally ignorant of how women in your predicament have solved this problem, if indeed they have! I do get women like you, in therapy, with this problem, and while almost all are universally intensely embarrassed at first, by the second or third therapy session they're gushing with information and feelings: the relief of finally getting it off their chest, coupled with the calm assurance that this problem responds quite nicely to sex therapy intervention overwhelms any embarrassment they might still have.

Try reading Nancy Friday's books on fantasy: Women on Top is the latest. Read all the "glue" -- the sections between all the fantasies. There is a wealth of information from mental health professionals.

However, I suspect that you need professional intervention to help you reconnect with your sexual and sensual feelings. The longer you let this state of affairs go on, the longer it will take in therapy to help you "back out of the blind alley". So save yourself time and find a decent sex therapist now.

Please let me know what happens.

sexdoc

12/9/98 Q: I have a question I hope you can help me with. While having sex with my lover of 6 months, I was on top of him. All of a sudden he said, "Wow, what was that?!!!!" And I said what? And then I realized we were both dripping soaking wet. I was so embarrased. I didn't know what had happened.

After a little while we started up again and I was on top again and it happened again!!!! It was not urine, I am sure of that. It did not have an odor, it was just a lot of fluid, kind of sticky. My lover said that was one of the most erotic things ever happen to him. What was that? Please help me. I can't stop wondering and thinking about this. Will it happen again? Is it normal? Thank you for your time. I appreciate any advice you can give me.

A: Congratulations! You just experienced female ejaculation! Please see other comments on the Answers #13 page on my website!

It is usually associated with prolonged high levels of female stimulation and it is a supreme confirmation to your lover that what the two of you were doing was immensely appreciated by your body. I expect it to happen again when the "right buttons get pushed". I'll bet you were angling your pelvis for G-spot contact!

Enjoy!

sexdoc

12/8/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz~ what are Your thoughts on female ejaculation..?? i have seen sites where some think it's just urine and nothing else~ and some that say that it is not...as to me there is no urine quality to it... but, then i have never tested it w/ some fancy measures... only taste and smell..~ i encore this after hard and vigorous lengthy sex... where there is multiple vaginal and clitoral orgasams...which is common for me w/ the right partner~ as well, also once saw a girl who could do it w/ her own fingers have not mastered this myself ~ but, working on it... smiles*~ never saw it again, but, indeed was i ever intrigued... i have also done this masturbating w/ a dildo once or twice~ but, the reason why i ask is i never hear, or see it anywhere like it doesn't happen or is taboo.. and You have to know how girls talk ... but, never that in a conversation.. thanks for your time... sincerely michelle*~

A: Dear Michelle,

Some women absolutely yes, do eject some quantity of liquid when their pelvic muscles involuntarily contract during orgasm! The porn star FALLON has the nickname "little squirt" for precisely that reason (and just like male porn stars can ejaculate 3-5 feet, so Fallon can -- and has on videotape that I have seen --squirt 6-8 feet!

I have not seen a chemical analysis of the liquid but I speculate that it is a combination of vaginal lubrication from Bartholin's gland plus water that is in the vagina from osmosis (just passes through cell walls) resulting from all the vigorous vasocongestion during excitement.

Some women also lose urinary sphincter control during orgasm and do wet the bed (or wherever) -- and out of embarrassment would blame it on female ejaculation. But the mechanism and the liquid are very, very different.

If you embrace the idea that "only guys ejaculate" maybe the "taboo" aspect comes from women not wanting to be thought less feminine or more masculine! Anybody else have thoughts on why this is taboo?

Thanks for a great question!

12/7/98 I had a problem, but I found out what I needed to know from the answers posted. I just wanted to let you know what an awesome thing you're doing, here. So many troubled couples feel that they have nowhere to turn, hence the astronomical divorce rate. Thank goodness for you and your willigness to discuss the "uncomfortable topics". Thank You!

12/7/98 Q: How do I know if I am a nympho? My desire for sex is about five times that of my husband. I don't want to make him feel inadequate, but I usually need more sex after he's done. I feel like I'm horny most of the time. Am I just bored, or is this a problem?

A: Dear Constantly horny,

Nymphomania is seriously misrepresented in the popular literature. The true nymphomaniac is satisfied for a brief period of time (15 - 60 minutes) then craves sexual excitement and orgasm again. It is pathological.

Despite the myths that "Nice Girls Don't", most women have a healthy sexual appetite. But please consider the normal or "bell" curve -- most women are in the middle, but some are on the right, desiring sex often, and some are on the left, rarely interested in sex. So are men. So if you are on the right, and your husband is on the left, that no more makes you a nympho than it makes him frigid! You two may just be incompatible.

I have had couples in therapy who make love once each 6 weeks, and for them that is normal and compatible. I have had couples make love twice a day Monday through Friday and three times a day Saturday and Sunday, and for them that is normal and compatible.

I suspect that you are not bored -- just more sexually charged. It is a problem if pleasuring yourself to orgasm as frequently as you wish after your husband is no longer interested is a problem. Or if you crave more couples sex and don't get it after alerting him. Or if it's not OK for your husband to pleasure you to orgasm orally, manually, with a vibrator or dildo, or however else you would like it.

Please let me know your reaction to this reply.

sexdoc

12/7/98 Q: Hey Doc just a quick question. Why is it every time I have sex and feel like I am going to have an orgasm I feel like (or in some cases have) peeing. Is that an orgasm, how do you know?

DESPERATE

A: Dear Desperate,

Some women (more than men) lose urinary sphincter (muscles that keep urine from flowing) control when excited and/or on orgasm. Put two clean fingers in your vagina. With the other hand, stimulate your clitoris until you feel involuntary clenching on the fingers in your vagina. An orgasm (in both genders) is marked by involuntary pelvic muscle contractions at approximately eight tenths of a second apart. Some people have 3 contractions; some have 30.

Because you are unsure, please do that and get back to me with your subjective experience.

Many women find that doing KEGEL exercises controls their involuntary urination during sexual excitement/orgasm. Search for them (I haven't taken the time yet to put them up on my web page).

sexdoc

Looking forward to your reply

12/2/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months now. We love and care about each other very much. Therefore we both do what ever is necessary to make one another satisfied (sexually). My boyfriend enjoys performing oral sex on me and I enjoy it also. It is the one way in which I know I can achieve a true orgasm. I sometimes have difficulty achieving one during regular intercourse. However my boyfriend has a hard time achieving an orgasm period. It doesn't matter if we are having regular intercourse or oral sex. Anal sex does not even work for him. My problem is that he enjoys when I perform oral sex on him and if I do it long enough he will cum eventually. My my mouth normally will get tired before he has a chance to achieve an orgasm. I try to pretend like I am fine but I really am ready to stop performing on him because he takes way to long to cum. I normally will come up and tell him that I am tired and he will beg for me to continue a little longer because he is almost there. I usually will continue for the sake of pleasing him but this is extremely frustrating to me. I want to please my man to the fullest. Is there something that I may be doing wrong or is it normal for him to take a long time to cum? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please Help Frustrated

A: Dear Teresa,

Are you also using a hand? Watch some porno flicks and note how the professionals do it. Periodically the fellator removes her mouth and vigorously strokes the penis with her hand(s). Also many times she will always have one hand sliding up and down the base of the penis with only the tip in her mouth.

I also suggest that he stroke his penis while the tip is in your mouth -- or that when you are tired, you withdraw and have him stroke himself vigorously, then you resume.

Please get back to me with what you experiment with and what works.

sexdoc

12/2/98 Q: Hello,

A little over four months ago, I (24 years old) met a 28 year old man and we had sex the first night we met. I had never had a "one night stand" before and just thought that my regret, from acting out of character, would be the only result of the evening.

Well, the man contacted me a week later and ended up traveling to visit me. We spent a couple of days together and then he returned to the US (I am living abroad, but will be returning to the US within the month). To my surprise, we have kept in close contact by telephone and email and have developed a very nice friendship.

We plan to see each other when I return to the States, but I wonder if it is really possible to have a relationship that started as a one night stand. Can he really respect me? I am not interested in just having a sexual relationship and I wonder if he is (the sex was fantastic). I know I should ask him, but I am still working up the courage.

After re-reading this email, I'm wondering if this is even the type of question that you address, but I suppose i will go ahead and let you make that decision.

Thanks in advance for your time. G.

A: Dear G,

People connect in many ways. Maybe he is having the same thoughts! I suggest that you cultivate the intellectual and emotional components of your relationship -- and while you are doing that there is nothing wrong with also having fantastic sex! Would you feel funny if the two of you emotionally connected intimately the first night, or had a fantastic evening winning at a bridge tournement? Because the sex kicked in so quickly there is a societal puritanical judeo-christian message that something is disrespectful!!!??? It sounds to me like you were delighted with the fantastic sex. If he was too, that you've got that compatibility addressed. Go for it. Just don't perpetuate the relationship for sex alone.

Your reaction?

p.s. Don't ask him. Neither of you has spent enough time with each other to know if you are interested in more than the sex. That's your starting point, not a proposal of marriage or even engagement!

12/2/98 Q: The basics: I am a 29-year-old, professional female.

Ever since I can remember, I have only been able to achieve orgasm with only one general method. When I was a child (and even when I masterbate as an adult) I have to bundle blankets, sheets, or towels and put them underneath me (between my legs, firmly pressed to my vagina), moving {dry-humping, if you will} until I come. With a partner, I have to move on one of their legs (they are beneath me with one leg bent at the knee) until I come.

This has ALWAYS been an embarassment to me, but I cannot seem to achieve orgasm any other way. In addition to the embarassment, it is extremely frustrating, and recently, it has been getting to be even more difficult to come-- even in this manner (this, however, is in part to my new boyfriend who is very frustrated with my method and sometimes lack of success at achieving orgasm altogether.)

I am begging for something, ANYTHING that will relax me, or focus me enough (I've even considered vitamins and/or the possibility of drugs, and for me this is really something!) that will allow me to achieve orgasm during intercourse, or, at the very least by oral or manual (hand) stimulation.

I cannot think of any psychological reason why I would have such difficulty (before the new boyfriend), and I am hoping that this does not fall under some sort of abstract fetish category.

I will welcome any recommendations or suggestions that you have to offer. Thank you so much for your time and assistance.

Dear Readers: Every few months I get a rash of questions all on the same topic -- oral sex, anal sex, 3-ways, etc. In the last seven days I have received several dozen questions from women and men about women having a difficult time achieving orgasm. So here are some general thoughts.

A: Dear P.

What you describe is extremely common! This is not an abstract fetish, but it is a case of having learned "old faithful" and using it to the sacrifice of flexibility. Your reptilian brain (the part that learns to ride a bicycle and to integrate all the sensory inputs to put you over the top for orgasm) is very dumb (which is why so many guys and some girls do really dumb things to get sex) and it learns very slowly. Once it has learned, it strives for economy and does it again by rote (think of how long it took you to ride a bicycle and how "automatically" you do it now).

You have over-learned one method to the exclusion of others. Get a copy of "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. Read it page by page, skipping none, and do each and every exercise NO MATTER HOW EASY, SILLY, OR UNNECESSARY IT IS FOR YOU. Get a vibrator and a dildo (rubber penis). Also if you don't have it, get a bactericidal soap (Safeguard or unscented Lever 2000) to clean the dildo (or cover it with a new condom each time you use it). First learn to bring yourself to orgasm with the vibrator (on or around your clitoris). Be patient. Remember how long it took you to learn how to ride that bicycle? Expect three steps forward and two steps back. Over time you should be able to bring yourself to orgasm with the vibrator alone. On purpose hold the vibrator on your clitoris in exactly the same spot until your clitoris goes numb. Know what that feels like so you can move the vibrator to a different spot to stay excited.

After you can reliably bring yourself to orgasm with the vibrator you are striving for flexibility. Bring yourself to orgasm with the vibrator while you are: lying on your back, partially sitting up, with your knees bent, sitting on the edge of the bed, standing up, kneeling on all threes (the fourth appendage is holding the vibrator), lying on your tummy, etc.

When you've got that mastered, experiment with the dildo. bring yourself to orgasm with it in different static (non-moving) and moving positions. Partially in, just touching your labia, half-way in, all the way in, while you are moving it in and out, etc. Note carefully the different sensation of orgasm with the dildo all the way in (your vaginal and pelvic muscles have something to squeeze against) and all the way out. You are re-conditioning your body to respond to sensory inputs that are an alternative to your tried and true method.

AND: Don't be shy about using your vibrator on your clitoris while you are engaging in intercourse (or oral or manual stimulation)!!!

This is your brain on sex. Any questions? You MUST invest re-training time to achieve results. I know, I know, it's a dirty job but someone has to do it. AND make sure that you have at least 2 orgasms per week!

Let me know what happens.

sexdoc

How Timely:  Feedback from a former e-mailer: << Did I explain "sensory acclimation?"? If you vibrate the same spot for a long time it goes numb. >> No you hadnt mentioned that. And we finally got a chance to play and this crossed my mind at one point:) I guess I should probably mention that my partner is an experienced Dom and I am a new sub. We had our first session last night, and I did finally orgasm. WoooHooo!! It really felt soo different from when I stimulate myself with or without the vibrator. I can see where people wonder if vaginal orgasms are different from clit induced ones, even thought I know this to be untrue. I stimulate my clit pretty much exclusively....and he did just the opposite. And I did use my fingers last night a bit, and had considered showing him what I do with the vibrator for myself. But I didnt. I was getting tired, I had been leaning over a barstool for a while. But what he did was place that vibrator inside me, and let it go, and stimulate my clit with his fingers a bit. He kept doing that, and I got to the point where I was thinking everything was just played with too much..too senstitive, and I got the urge to urinate, and I was soo tired, and then bam! I wonder if the neighbors heard me? And then he would let me relax a second and start moving the vib again. Gee I cant believe women fake this. Then after one or two more times he let me relax for good and held me for a while. It was really quite an awesome experience. I cant help but think that I think too much about things instead of just relaxing and having a nice time. Too many stigmas in this world. I did read the book you recommend "For Yourself", which was very good and addressed many of the feelings I was having. And I kept reminding myself to just relax and enjoy the evening. (Now I need to read "Dont Sweat the Small Stuff") That and the combination of how tired I was I think helped me along. I hope that as we keep exploring the stimulation needed isnt quite so intense. Is that possible?

I also wanted to mention...I think somewhere along peoples questions to you I read someone was interested in BDSM and you mentioned The Story of O. It has been a month so I dont exactly remember the context...but that story and the Beauty series by Anne Rice..while erotic really contain alot of S & M. I wanted to say that some good resources are Different Loving by Gloria Brame, or Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns by Molly Devon. Also www.castlerealm.com and www.cuffs.com are some good places to go. And of course there are many other references at those sites.

Thank you very very much for your time and letters. Im excited to keep exploring a part of me I thought would never come to be. No pun intended:)

The Sex Doc comments: REMEMBER:  What works for one person may not work for another!

12/2/98 Q: Dear Dr Fitz,

I am a 24 year old straight virgin male. Last week I tried to make love with my girlfriend on several occasions, but couldn't stay erect long enough. More worryingly, I was not sexually turned on by our foreplay (which involved massage, touching and penis stimulation) and had no desire for intercourse, despite being extremely attracted to her. I have always been able to masterbate regularly and achieve erections no problems when self-stimulated, so I think that the problem must be psychological. I am worried that the normal sexual turn-ons (eg. a naked woman, large breasts, kissing etc) do not apply to me. I am definitely not gay.

Being my first time, I was a bit nervous, but surely I should have felt something? Is this problem uncommon for someone with no intercourse experience at this age? I know that continually worrying about the situation will not help, but I can't help it. My girlfriend (who is not a virgin) was very understanding, but I can't expect her to tolerate this situation forever.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.....

Many thanks,

Anon

A: Dear Ymous,

Nervous anticipation can be more powerful than testosterone! I suggest that you sneak up on vaginal penetration by focusing on pleasure and playfulness instead of performance. Demanding that the penis get and stay erect guarantees that it will rebel.

Tell your penis (and your patient lover) that you're going to play and if it gets erect or doesn't stay erect, you don't care. Get some experience ejaculating with your lover but not inside her. Over time the anxiety will dissipate and your penis will want to stay erect because it's having so much fun.

Let me know what happens

sexdoc

11/27/98 Q: I would appreciate any information you could provide on Female Anorgasmia and chiefly if the surgical procedure" female circumcision" is a viable treatment.(not the genital mutilation procedure) After 24 yrs of great difficulty in achieving orgasm during intercourse I have considered this option after reading some other womens' personal accounts of the difference it has made for them. There seems to be much controversy on this subject. Some of the advice I have heard is that it requires some women as much as 2 hours to achieve orgasm..using various methods in conjunction with basic intercourse. We have devoted time and effort in this pursuit and to hear this as an expected situation is not much of a consolation. We are interested in finding out more about this procedure. Your input would be appreciated. Any other ideas on this subject is also appreciated. Thank you. R.

A: Dear R,

Before appealing to any surgery, I strongly suggest 1) reading "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., 2) getting a hormone assay to see if there is any hormone imbalance or deficiency, 3) asking your endocrinologist or OB-GYN if 2% testosterone cream rubbed on the clitoris might help, and 4) waiting until the imminent arrival of a Female "Viagra" to supercharge the female response.

11/25/98 Q: Dear Doc, I have been married to my husband for 3 years now. We lived together for 14 months before we married. We have always had great sex. Recently I asked him to have anal sex with me which he did. After we did it, I discovered that I love anal sex. My question is, is it okay to have anal sex often?. When I say often I mean at least 3 to 4 times a week. I want to know the answer because I really do love this way of having sex. There is no pain when we do this, because we do it very slowly and really get relaxed before hand, and we use KY jelly, and a condom. I would like a speedy answer if possible, because I really want to continue having anal sex with my husband. I never realized before how much pleasure anal sex could be. I really get turned on and have a great orgasm when receiving his hard cock up my ass. Please let me hear from you soon. Loved your site. Thanks in advance.

A: Dear P.

Your limit is tissue irritation. It's analogous to the possible tissue irritation from vaginal intercourse. Notice how the question regarding both anal and vaginal intercourse can be answered using the same exact words: Is 3-4 times per week too often? If you are well lubricated and you don't irritate the tissues involved, enjoy!

The tissue separating your rectum from your vagina is relatively thin and very elastic, so you are trading labial stimulation and the clitoral stimulation that comes from the drag on the labia from the penis (penis moves labia which pull on the clitoral hood which slides up and down the clitoris creating those oh so marvelous sensations), for stimulation of the nerves in the anus. Internally you are still getting stimulation from the pressure, and depending on the angle, you may be getting more vigorous g-spot stimulation and some internal clitoral stimulation.

Question: What is the clitoris? Most people think it is only that little nub under the clitoral hood. Actually, it has roots and looks more like a wishbone, with the two roots existing internally, separated from what is in the vagina by the vaginal barrel.

Thank you for the testamonial regarding "slow" and "relaxed". The rate of dilation is directly related to discomfort, and many people manifest tension by unconsciously tightening their ani (plural of anus -- there are actually two muscles). Where do you think the expression that someone is a "tight ass" came from?

Many women turbo-charge their events of anal intercourse by applying a vibrator to their clitoris.

As your body gets more conditioned to associating anal dilation and stimulation with pleasure, don't be surprised if you are able to dilate it more quickly. That is a sign of greater "reptilian brain" appreciation and anticipation (kind of like your body saying "Hurry up -- I want the good feelings").

Please also read everything on my anal and anal 2 linked pages. Especially the e-mail I posted today on anal 2 from a guy who likes it, too.

Please let me know if you have any other questions.

sexdoc

11/18/98 Q: Dear Doc,

My girlfriend and I are very sexually active. I have tried very hard to bring her to orgasm. I have tried to stimulate her clit with several methods, orally, with my fingers. I have got her very close but have had no success. She is very open an directs my efforts. It is important to me that she climax. She can't even do it with her hand. The only thing that has ever worked is the pulsating shower water. Her clit is very very small and difficult for me to maintain a consistent rythm or pressure. Not sure if there is much you can suggest. The books I have read have not really solved this dillema. She enjoys the sex very much and gets very very wet. I am concerned that the over wetness my take away from her pleasure. She is aroused by several different stimuli including anal touching and gentle probing. But none bring her to climax. Any light you could shed on this would be helpful.

I have to say that I encountered a woman, who called her self a "Senualist" that suggested that we visit her and she would try and then show me. This sounded a little unprofessional to me. Do you have an opinion on this?

Thank you for the site. It is well thought out and is presented very professionally. I searched you site but did not find this specific issue. I hope it is no redundant. My only recommendation would be a search engine. It may help to prevent redundant questions.

My email automatically prints my name on it, but it is my preference that my name does not appear on you web page. I appreciate your discretion.

Yours truly,

An appreciative reader.

A: First, get her the paperback book "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. Have her read it page by page and do each and every exercise no matter how "cinchy" (easy) she thinks it is.

Do you two know about sensory acclimation? Nerves stimulated repeatedly lose their ability to fire. Try varying the touch on her clitoris: up and down, side to side, around in circles.

Find on my web page a description of how to stimulate the G-spot. You might find that simultaneous clitoral and g-spot stimulation achieves her orgasm AND conditions her body to have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone.

The lubrication is a sign of sexual excitement -- you want as much as possible (it's a feedback signal).

"Sensualist", huh. That's a new one. There are many roads to Rome. I tend to be very pragmatic. It is possible that a sexually experienced woman could bring her to orgasm and verbalize the technique. The two dangers are disease and emotional distress. If the sensualist is willing to do this for you two, you don't know who else she has touched. Latex examining gloves are pretty safe, but they can be unromantic OR your woman might associate them with sexual stimulation and get wet the next time she gets a gynecological exam.

On the emotional side, having this woman touch your woman while you watch could evoke homophobia in your woman and possibly feelings of inferiority in you. I would consider this with patients of mine only if I reviewed and probed for those dimensions and anything else I picked up on.

An alternative would be a sex therapist.

PLEASE let me know what happens here.

sexdoc

Dear Readers,

I receive a lot of e-mail, some spam, many questions, and some suggestions. I answered a question for this e-mailer recently and here is his contribution to "our" web site (I write much of it, you read it). People are different in what their body responds to, but this is obviously what works for him and her. I am delighted to reward such a contribution by posting it here. Enjoy!

Dear Dr. Fitz, Thank you again for your honest and candid site about human sexuality. This is in response to your request about methods to help our female partner achieve an orgasm through penile-vaginal stimulation. In the interest of satisfying a multitude of women and educating the fumbling male masses, I'd like to share the following technique(s).

Time is a great ally for us. When you are getting ready for work or to go out with friends, brush her breasts and nipples gently and casually without pursuing any further sexual contact. Give her a big strong hug and warm affectionate kiss. Maybe grasp her breasts, one in each hand and caress them gently. Just let her know you're thinking about it. , WHATEVER you do, DON'T pursue anything else sexually at this time. Later, call her at work and just tell her that you love her. Don't mention sex when you talk on the phone. She'll be thinking about it, don't worry. When you get home that night, wait until the time is right (NOT as soon as you walk in the door!) and then proceed as described below. The longer that women (my wife in particular) think(s) about sex before they have it with you, the more they will tend to desire it. Once in a while you will unleash that "sex starved nymph" every man wants to have sex with whose arousal provides enough visual stimulation to excite a unich.

Above all, consider her needs above yours and the battle is half over. Here's the manual for the nitty gritty parts - As you (Dr. Fitz) recommend, spending a reasonable amount of time in foreplay, paying attention to the neck, breasts and nipples using your lips, tongue and hands and kissing them frequently is a good start. Then, I like to move my attention south for a little bit and stimulate her orally with a few good licks, from her labia up and teasingly on and around her clitoris. Sometimes bringing her near climax.

Then (after wiping my face so as to reduce the quantity of her juices and the smell from my face that some women find offensive) once we have begun intercourse, in the missionary position, I gently raise her legs up and place my forearms under her knees. This pulls her thighs, ass and vagina up away from the floor or bed and allows my thrusts to penetrate at an angle that more directly contacts the area in and around her G spot. (think of it as aiming your penis from her anus towards the space between her pubic hair and her belly button) You can also place your hands on the bed or floor beside her and essentially 'pin' her in this position which puts you almost entirely in control and allows for the easiest leverage for any velocity of penetration. (Switching speeds a few times along the way will help depending on the reactions you will notice at different speeds.)

BE GENTLE! Sometimes it helps to pull all the way out and then repenetrate SLOWLY for a few or more repetitions. It's not over yet . . . After about 2-5+ minutes of penetrating fully, pull out completely. (BEFORE you achieve a climax. This might be VERY close to before. The head of your penis becomes engorged with blood near maximum capacity just before ejaculation, which in turn helps excite your partner even more.) Anyway, STOP penetrating and don't let yourself orgasm yet. Now return to licking your partner for a minute or two, and, if you are fairly competent in your oral skills, bring her to climax orally by stimulating her clitoris and labia . This will relax her initial attempts to "finally orgasm" and also give you a chance to last longer than usual by stopping midstream and redirecting your attention towards her and her orgasmic needs. (How romantic! he thinks of "her" needs first! Believe me, this goes a long way guys!)

Within a few minutes, you can be back on top in the same predominant missionary position penetrating your way to bringing your partner to a shattering penile-vaginal stimulated orgasm. Yours will also be quite explosive having (possibly) validated your manhood by bringing her to climax twice (possibly more) and, by teasing yourself by stopping mid stream. If you don't succeed in bringing her to orgasm from penile penetration, don't worry, it will certainly be much easier to have succeeded orally. This may not work for everyone, but once I realized this pattern worked for us, I am now like a god in our bedroom. I didn't know where the clitoris was until I was about 20. So if you guys don't know where it is, PLEASE ASK your significant other to show you! I had to be told! Asking will get you the instructions you need to succeed. Experiment with different angles, depths, repetitions, simultaneous contact (wet the nipples with your saliva by licking your fingers and tease the nipples while penetrating her vaginally with your penis, or while performing oral sex on her, etc.) Use your imagination.

Once again Dr. Fitz, thanks for the right place and atmosphere for sharing, teaching and learning about this NECESSARY aspect of human relationships.

Bill

11/17/98 Q: dear doctor fitz,

i am a 18 year old male and have been madly in love with my girlfriend for the past two years. we have abstained from sexual intercourse due to risk of pregnancy and the fact that neither of us thought we were ready. we have engaged in oral sex and other sexual play (hand jobs, clitoral stimulation with my hands, "dry humping", etc.) for quite a while, and i know that she enjoys it, but i feel like i simply can't please her. she doesn't complain, but she seems to have weak and infrequent orgasms. we are very open with eachother about things, and she says doesn't masturbate. we have tried masturbating for eachother, but she feels too uncomfortable so she stops. i love receiving oral sex, but giving it to her is often discouraging because she is shy about expressing her sexual likes and dislikes. recently we have felt like we are ready to engage in intercourse (using a condom of course), but when i insert my penis, it hurts her and she has a look of sheer terror and incredible pain in her eyes. i have an average sized penis, no john holmes or anytihng. it makes me feel very uncomfortable to see her so afraid of me. (i am not abusive, verbally, physically, or emotionally, and am unaware or and seriously doubt any prior abuse in her history, so i don't think it is triggering any traumatic memories) what i really want to know is how i can help her relax and open up to her own sexuality and how might i be better able to please her or encourage her to share feedback with me? (when i ask her what she likes, she just replies that it all feels good, very general, no specifics) i feel like i had been making progress until the intercourse began (it started out with experimental intercourse, no motion, just seeing what it feels like, and she didn't have any negative reaction or pain until i was fairly deep (3-4")). We have refrained from further intercourse and are back to the old scheme of things (oral sex, hand jobs, etc.) but she seems to have more dificulty in acheiving orgasm now than before our experiments. what can i do to help her open up and do you have any pointers on how to help her reach orgasm without sexual intercourse?

thanks for any reply or direction on where to find an answer, confused and concerned.

A:

Dear C&C:

I suspect that she has internalized all kinds of negative messages regarding sexuality, such as

"nice girls don't enjoy sex"

"Only sluts verbalize their sexual reactions and preferences"

"Saying anything sexual is 'talking dirty'"

"If you get pregnant don't expect to live here and have the bastard"

"If you have impure thoughts and/or touch yourself you will go to hell"

A therapeutic approach I use with this kind of "problem" is to encourage her to list as many negative statements as she can muster, to identify the extent to which she identifies with each, to encourage her to examine the rational and irrational components of each, and to then see herself as an adult who has the privilege to make choices and the responsibility to be accountable for her behavior. It often takes a few months of weekly therapy sessions to achieve the goal. She has to back out of the blind alley she is in and think of things in a new way.

Her shyness implies anxiety if she were to verbalize what she responds to. Sometimes the "game" of "sex slave" works. Tell her that you are a dumb robot with a short memory, and that you need to be told exactly what to do. Emphasize that you would be delighted to drive her wild with pleasure, but that she must give you precise behavioral commands. "Do like you usually do" doesn't cut it, nor does "Please me" or "Make me feel good". If (and hopefully, when) she says something behavioral (e.g. suck on my nipples -- a little harder -- that's right), respond with gusto and let her know how pleased you are that she instructed you. Probe for the possibility that she might think that telling you what to do is a criticism of your competence as a lover; some people embrace that. ALSO: Role model this for her. Tell her that you will obey her commands for 30 minutes then it's reversed: you dictate, she obeys.

In general you are relying on 1) minimizing erroneous internalized negative messages, and 2) the feedback mechanism of pleasurable reward as a result of her verbalizations.

Please let me know what happens (other readers, also).

sexdoc

11/19/98 Another reader writes:

I, also, am like his girlfriend. I was raised in a way that made sex seem as a dirty thing. I have had some sexual experiences, but being raped, did not help any. I was never one to make sounds, try to move with my partner, and I rather die than voice my opinion (pain, enjoyment, touch here, touch there, etc).

I have known my husband for 2 years now. We have been married since February 1998 and things are JUST NOW improving! I am now, making some sounds, not too much. I MUST have the lights turned off, still. I still can't get myself to say what I like and dislike. We have made love and it hurt so badly that I would have tears streaming down my eyes, yet I would never say a word. (He could not tell....it was pitch black in our room) I am just now opening up to different ideas. Such as anal sex, oral sex, watching videos, giving him a hand job, etc.

I was scared out of my mind to touch him. What did I fear? Hell. I felt as if sex was a privilege to a man. Women were meant to just "lay there".

I am still overcoming this fear that I have. My husband is turned on by what he sees...yet, I still won't let there be any type of light! I never knew that I was turned on by sound, until he started talking dirty to me while making love.

Please, tell C&C to just give his girlfriend time. Time is what is healing me. It didn't help when my husband would goof around by pushing my head into his crotch. He only prevented me of doing that longer. I have since been able to talk to him about certain things. It is going to take time, but I am learning that what I grew up with was so wrong.

I was so illiterate on sex, that I still am not sure what my anatomy is like! I learned the terms from my husband. He knows now, that I learned them from him using them off and on. He is going to buy a mirror and TEACH me what parts are what!

The best thing that C&C can do is to gently talk to her about it. Don't pressure it when she says that she is not interested in talking about it. She will come around, that is it that is what the problem is.

Thank you,

BA

11/17/98 Q: My husband and I have been married for almost seven years, and we have two kids. Prior to those kids he had all the time in the world for me sexually, and I understand adjustment to children and how it becomes much harder to be together, but now it just seems like an excuse, one of many. The children are now 4 and 6, and leave us alone sometimes for hours.

I haven't had sex for at least two and a half months now, until last night. I have just about given up on being with my husband. But last night somehow by a miracle, we had intercourse, and now this morning he's leaving on business for the rest of the week. So, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I made the request for sex again. He made a pitiful attempt, and my response to his lack of true interest, was to not even bother trying. I am left with the emptiest feeling I think I've ever had in my life. I don't know if most women feel this way, but to me sexual rejection is just about the cruelest treatment I have ever had in my life. I have tried every way that I know to keep his interest. I have given him more oral sex, in these first few years than most men receive in a lifetime, and he's happy with that and doesn't return the favor orally or with penetration, so I've recently become disinterested in doing that favor for him. I've tried killing him with kindness, and I've played the role of the incessant nag. So recently for the past few months, I've left him alone. However, last night the fire was reignited and I thought we had something again, but I guess we don't. And I'm left with an emptiness that I can't define. And I'm to the point that I can't stand him touching me, because I want more, and it hurts too much.

Also I would like to include that I have been sexually active for over ten years, and I've never had an orgasm with any man I have been with. I've only achieved them through masturbation. My husband knows this and has written me off, saying that it's just impossible.

Also his excuses for not having intercourse with me range from tiredness to the kids to he just ate and he's too stuffed. He can come up with anything. Also, I know as much as any woman can that he is not having an affair, I can account for his time for almost every minute of the day less maybe twenty minutes.

Please can you get back to me ASAP, I have almost completely given up on ever feeling fulfilled. My name is Marlene

And I want your address not only as a doctor, but as a man. I want to know if you can relate to my husband's state of mind.

A: Dear Marlene,

The reason good sex therapists are also good relationship therapists is that often, sex problems cause relationship problems, and often relationship problems cause sex problems. This sounds to me like a relationship problem that is showing up sexually (by the absence of ...).

This needs face to face psychotherapy. No e-mail in the world is enough or dynamic enough to address this.

The balance of reward for behavior has swung in the direction of non-contact. This kind of problem usually responds well to psychotherapeutic intervention (in the hands of the skilled therapist, of course), but time is of the essence. The longer this goes on, the more the "norm" it becomes, and the greater the resistance to change. It will likely only stay the same or get worse. For the sake of everyone's quality of life (especially the innocent victims here, the children) get help!

sexdoc

p.s. Only about 40% of women have orgasms from penile-vaginal thrusting alone. The majority either don't have an orgasm, get additional clitoral stimulation during intercourse, or achieve an orgasm somehow, before or after intercourse.

As for addressing this problem both as a man and as a doctor, I can add that I can understand lower priorities on sex. I doubt that helps much, though.

sexdoc

11/14/98 Q: Dear Sex Doc:

I, an over 40 female and my over 40 male lover are intrigued by "swing clubs" . . . "Soft swinging" only... (no intercourse) is as far as we ever imagine we'd go. We went to one club together but we didn't mix w/ anyone being leery about what is actually safe to do w/ strangers. Right now I think the only way I'd feel safe letting anyone else touch me vaginally is if they were wearing clean latex gloves. I wouldn't want my lover touching me vaginally if he'd touched another woman or performed cunnilingus on another woman. Please don't mistake my concerns for a lack of interest in the concept. .. We both think it's fun to be having sex in the company of others. We just want to know what would be safe should we decide to experiment.

In regard to the transmission of disease, is cunnilingus absolutely safe for either partner? . . . What about fellatio? . . . And if someone stimulated me digitally with the remains of body fluids from someone else on their hands, what is the risk to me? How about the same for my lover if someone gave him a hand job with someone else's body fluids on their hand? . . . Is there any risk for me to have intercourse w/ my lover after a stranger gave him a hand job? Or for him after I engaged in cunnilingus w/ someone else? We stayed away from the hot tub where lots of people have sex. Is that the wisest thing to do?

I'd very much appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you

B

A: Dear B,

There are two dimensions for you to consider: the disease-physical, and the psychological. I'll start with the former:

"If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime." Old American Indian saying

Rather than answer your questions individually, I would prefer to explain the principles so you can answer future questions.

HIV and herpes are transmitted in body fluids, blood being the richest environment, but urine, the moisture in fecal matter, saliva, tears, semen, vaginal secretions (including menstrual flow -- rich in blood, remember) and sweat also can carry the virus.

The virus has to get inside your body. It can do that almost perfectly in blood, whether in a transfusion or sticking to a previously used hypodermic needle. However, there have been cases of french kissing where one had infected saliva and the other had periodontal disease -- bleeding gums -- which were the entry point.

HIV is actually quite fragile, but dealing with it is like playing russian roulette -- The chances of contraction are slim, but you end up either 0% infected or 100% infected! The sterilization procedure for hepatitis (currently employed in all intrusive medical settings) is major overkill for HIV -- the hepatitis virus is more robust, so what it takes to kill it is way beyond the more modest precautions needed to kill HIV.

Now, can you answer your own questions? I'll comment on them at the end (YES, THIS IS A TEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE, READERS -- Go back, re-read B's questions, read what I have written above, and see how you would answer the questions).

The psychological dimension is also problematic. What starts out as an innocent attendance at swing parties can escalate into jealousy if one of you admires or gets stimulated by what you see on someone else. The most common things being size and shape of breasts, erect penises, butts, etc., but also oral sex technique, "staying power", and response (moans and groans or orgasmic spasms) can also come into play (a little play on words there, I suppose).

What about when (not if) one of you tires first of going? How will the other feel. Would it be OK with the bored partner if the still interested partner went with someone else?

Having said that, please keep in mind the old saying in psychology: "It's not so much what you do but how you feel about it". I an NOT saying "don't do it". I am saying that it can be fun, exciting, thrilling, novel, and both a turn-on in the moment and a turn-on in memory, later. BUT: Be forewarned that there are potential emotional effects. So long as you both are fully informed consumers, you are encouraged to decide with your value system, etc., how you wish to proceed. Keep lines of communication wide open with each other and establish ground rules first (e.g., we'll discontinue going if ...., etc.).

Does this make sense in the psychological realm?

In regard to the disease transmission possibilities:

Ironically, all the questions you asked involve the POSSIBLE sharing of virally-infected body fluids, EXCEPT the hot tub. If it is properly chlorinated and it is hot, that would be the environment with the least possibility of the HIV virus surviving such conditions hostile to its weak constitution.

Ask your physician or dentist what procedures and solutions they use for sterilization of examining rooms and counter tops from patient to patient to minimize the transmission of hepatitis (sound innocent enough?) Many are used to being asked and are happy to have an assistant run through the procedure with you. Ask where you can get some of those solutions (or what concentration of bleach is effective). When in doubt, though, condoms and latex gloves and rubber dams (ask someone in your dental office if you don't know what that is) are pretty good bets. But NOT 100% SAFE!!!!! And NEVER use a petroleum-based lubricant with latex. It eats the rubber!

I hope this helps.

sexdoc

11/16/98 She writes back: Dear Dr. Fitz:

Thank you for your very prompt and detailed response. I must admit, it was about what I expected you'd say. Already aware of the risks of contracting an STD thru body fluids, I was really hoping to find that most of them were carried by a virus or bacteria that was anaerobic and we'd be safe if they'd been exposed to air. However, you confirmed that my concerns are not unfounded. I'm not sure if that's the good news or the bad news. We may go to a club again and stay to ourselves like before . . . There is quite a thrill having sex with other people around . . . either watching them or knowing they're watching you.

This has little to do w/ my original questions, but my lover and I are both married to other people and we live on opposite coasts. We recently spent four days together in Atlanta and have plans to meet there again next month. After that it will be increasingly difficult for me to go there without arousing suspicion. I'm sure you've guessed we both have sexually and in many other ways dysfunctional marriages. Personally, we both think everyone does to some degree, but we haven't found ways to mitigate ours successfully. In my opinion, both of us use sex as a drug. It helps us avoid being aware of and facing the problems we have. We're both in therapy, but neither of our spouses will go. I really don't care. I don't want to fix my marriage anymore. After so many years of trying to get his attention, I just can't afford to care anymore. I just don't know what else to do. So I look outside for friendship, emotional support and sex . . . . Enter my lover. Anyway . . . that's how it is. My inner voice tells me we're both already dealing w/ enough w/o adding swing club risks to it.

I wish you were closer. I wrote to you once before. I'm a Klismaphiliac. (my therapist and I can't find the word anywhere so I'm hoping that's correct) and I mostly learned to masturbate w/ my Jacuzzi along w/ the enemas. One of the biggest problems in my marriage was that my husband never saw pleasing me sexually as a priority. Actually, he rarely wanted sex at all. (Long story there too.) Also, an Irish Catholic, he thought the "fun" things I wanted to do were slutty. So I began to feel pretty awful about myself. It's difficult to like someone whom you feel is responsible for your losing self confidence and pride, etc. I'm working on that part now, but alone. I want to learn how to have orgasms with another person too. (I didn't have sex with anyone for 15 years and what I'd had before didn't teach me anything about that) I'm currently looking for a copy of Lonnie Barbach's For Yourself (see I did read the other answers . . . the section on HIV, etc., too) Like I said, I wish you were closer. Actually when I needed you was about 29 years ago. Very difficult to unlearn all those years, behaviors, responses. I think the complicated web of pain and anger and sexual issues and more will keep me and my therapist busy for quite a while. And I'd just about kill to have an orgasm in the company of a man. Perhaps I can at least solve that part soon.

Thank you again for your generous time, consideration and information. I'm sending your response to my lover and I'll continue to recommend your site to other people as well.

B

Dr. Fitz:

I forgot to mention directly, my reaction to your comments re: the psychological aspects of this life style. I had them in mind when I explained our personal and relationship background. Of course those things are a risk, I agree, but in the limited scope of both our time together and our relationship in general, this is not a major issue. Thank you for taking the extra time to comment on a problem I had not even however considered.

B

11/14/98 Q: Dear Sex Doc,

I'm a 45 yr. old single female. I've had sexual relationships, but not that many. Being very shy, especially when I was younger, prevented me from expressing myself sexually. My problem is, that now I am beginning a relationship with a man that I really care about and would like to please him and haven't got the slightest idea, about what to do. I've never given a "hand job" or a "blow job". I don't even know how to touch his penis, to arouse him. Because of my age, this is all very embarrassing to me. Can you give me some suggestions? Or possibly suggest some good books to read? Mary

A: Dear Mary,

As crazy as it sounds, I suggest that you get some gay videos! Most of the heterosexual porn is guys getting women ready then engaging in intercourse for unrealistically prolonged times. Some het porn shows women pleasing men -- blow jobs being common -- but you will also learn from gay videos.

Pretend it's for a school research project and rent with confidence!

Every man is a little different, however, so be careful that you don't assume that you do exactly the same thing to every man. Ask him what he particularly likes -- tell him you want to be his sex slave and that you will do what he tells you to -- and that he must be behaviorally explicit. He might come just at the thought!

sexdoc

11/14/98 Q: Hello, My question has nothing to do with my boyfriend or anything of that nature. It does however deal with sex therapy. I am currently enrolled in a four year university, and am very much interested in psychology. Eversince I can remember I have been interested in sex. Not in the way that you think, for I am still a virgin( yes in the 90's) But I can't seem to shake the thoughts about it( I don't mean just fantasies either) So I thought I should look into becoming a sex therapist. What steps did you take to become one, and do you recommend it as a life long profession? Thank you for your time.

A: I heartily recommend it as a lifelong profession. I get couples on the verge of divorce, and months later get them on track; then they have children and send me baby pictures and say "If it weren't for you, this would never have happened!"

I get your querstion so much that I have a link on my web page to a page of thoughts about how to become a sex therapist.

Please find and read that and get back to me.

sexdoc

11/14/98 Q: dear doc,

i was wondering if a girl could get pregnant from a mans pre-cum

sincerely "b"

A: ABSOLUTELY YES!

While ejaculate contains millions and millions of sperm, pre-cum contains 100,000 to 400,000 on the average. All it takes is ONE.

sexdoc

11/12/98 Q: Dr. Fitz,

I am a 19 year old virgin and have been seeing my girlfriend for a few months. We are ready for sex but I have one hold-up. When I get an erection it stands almost straight up and I can't get it to stand at less of an angle so it sticks straight out. When I try to push it down, it hurts as if a ligament is too tight. I am afraid that this will make sex difficult. Any suggestions? Thanks. A.

A: RELAX! You will find that the angle of your penis affects only your positioning and your hip motion during the thrusting of intercourse. In fact, many men are envious; their women would like that angle because it has a better position for stimulating the G-spot (and the inner portions of the clitoris) during intercourse.

11/12/98 Q: I seem to be having a "wet dreams" problem. Im 17 years old, almost 18, and I have these 'dreams' almost once a week. Ususally when it does happen, im just about 'barely' awake. Almost like I can control it. But actually, I cant. Is it common for people my age to experience problems like this? Im about to go to college, and I dont want to have to wake my roommate up, when im trying to change underware, and hide the other..

A: It's the body's way of periodically flushing the accumulated fluid from the prostate. You need to pleasure yourself to orgasm at least twice per week to avoid wet dreams.

sexdoc

11/12/98 Q:   Dear DR. My husband and I have been married for 7 years,when we were first together we tried out alot of ways to enjoy sex. I did not realize at the time how seriously interested my husband was in bondage. He may have not realized this himself. I enjoy it a little. I do not enjoy hurting anyone or leather hoods and rubber balls for the mouth. I try to get interested but it really is hard for me. My husband does love me, and we have a good relationship. Right now, my husband would like to enjoy more bondage and he knows that I will not be able to enjoy it with him to the extent that he wants it. He has decided to look for some one to share it with, but he thinks we can still be married. I do not think I could be a very good lover when I know that he needs someone else. He is the only man that I ever want and I do not want to lose him, but I also do not want to fake enjoyment. That would be very difficult. It is hard for me to believe that he would leave me for this reason, but it appears at this time that he would. I am interested in what you think in this area. Thank you.

A: The issue is clouded by the element of bondage. Replace that with "oral sex" or "anal sex" or "a tighter, more snug fit vaginally" or "doing it doggy style" and does it seem the same? There is something he wants, and the reason on the surface is "a bondage partner". I do not buy that on its face value one bit. I speculate that there is something else going on.

For both of your sakes, I strongly urge you to get into competent relationship therapy immediately! You don't need a sex therapist per se; so long as your relationship therapist isn't blown out of the water by the bondage reference.

In my experience with matters like this, if his underlying unrest is not addressed, he will continue to migrate from partner -- the next might not be dominant enough, or submissive enough, or use enough variety, etc. -- to partner, searching for his personal holy grail (to no avail).

2/22/98 COMMENT from another reader:  Dear Dr. Fitz,

I was really enjoying the precise, practical answers you have provided
to a lot of various people until I read your response to a woman who
wrote to you on 11/12/98 about how she feared her unwillingness to
engage in bondage would lead to her husband's leaving their marriage.

Although I felt that part of your response--that the couple needed
psychotherapy--to be reasonable and productive, I was suprised,
particularly in light of some of your other discussions, that you
dismissed entirely the husband's particular desires and went on to
suggest that, "if his underlying unrest is not addressed, he will
continue to migrate from partner...searching for his personal holy grail
(to no avail)."

In the absence of further information, is it not possible that the
couple married when they were very young and are incompatible in a
number of ways, one of them being sexually? Psychotherapy may help them
to resolve their differences and repair their marriage, but if it does
not, is this necessarily the fault of the husband and/or is he
necessarily condemned to be unfufilled for the rest of his life?

I already know the answers to these questions--I address them to you
only because it troubles me that anyone giving free advice over the
internet (or advice anywhere, at any cost, for that matter) would
suggest that the problems faced by a couple must be solved by the couple
or at least one member is doomed to life-long "unrest."

A sincere question I do have in this regard: If a couple marries when
they are young and immature, and while maturing over a number of years
and improving their communication skills discover they are sexually
incompatible--he's longing to experiment with bondage; she finds the
idea entirely unerotic, and both are increasingly frustrated, what would
you suggest (assuming there are no children or other complicating
factors)?

Curious about Something a Bit More Complex

My 2/22/99 comment:
 
 

I have read thru the questions you have answered, but still feel my question is unanswered and has merit. I am 28, recently divorced, and can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation when performed by myself(digital or vibrator). I have never orgasmed in the presence of a man, though I have had several intimate relationships. Now I am currently involved with a very understanding fellow. He is aware of this and is trying his hardest to help me with the difficulty. I am sure I fall into the percentage of women who cannot climax with penile penetration. However, he spends alot of time stimulating me vaginally, clitorally, and anally with his fingers. It seems I get to the point where my legs shake; I just cant sit still...but instead of going over the edge it becomes to intense and I have to make him stop. I dont quite understand this. When I masterbate I can go over(though the orgasm is not near as intense as it seems the ones I could have with him will be. I thought if someone could get to me this point it would not be a problem anymore. I am also concerned this patient man is going to become extremely frustrated with me. Thank you for your comments. Your site is wonderful:)

A: Unfortunately there are too many women like you. If it is any consolation, this is common.

There are two approaches. A therapist could see you one to three times per week for a year to deal with the possible underlying causes, or you could behaviorally re-condition your response. I employ the latter.

The first step is to gently but gradually get over your inhibition to masturbate in front of a lover.

The reconditioning is for him to get you pretty close, and for you to then take over digitally or with the vibrator to have an orgasm. Doing that in his presence is important. Yes, the first time or 2 or 3 might end in an emotional inability to proceed, but if you get closer and closer each time, I expect you to be able to do it.

Then, the idea is to associate the orgasm (read "tension release") with the stimulation -- maybe he can intensely observe how you stimulate your clitoris and duplicate it.

In any event, however, keep in mind that there is nothing "wrong" with you touching yourself while he is touching you! No where is there a rule that the stimulator has to exclusively bring the stimulatee to climax all alone!

Please tell me what you think (AND e-mail an update of what you do and what happens). Please role-model for other women out there that you can get over the inhibition to masturbate in front of your lover to attain the goal of mind-boggling orgasms with him!

sexdoc

She writes again: Dear Dr. Fitz,

My, I did not expect a response sooo quickly. Thank you very much:) I have to say I think you are right in the difficulty in masterbating in front of your partner. He has asked me to show him what I do for myself and I am becoming more comfortable with it. I feel very fortunate to have found someone so willing to help me with this. I really could not say what has prompted the response for me not to be able to release...society, rotten sex in previous marriage are probably some good guesses. I am also comfortable with him getting me to that point again and my trying to push myself over. Fear of inability becomes a major factor, so I also wanted to mention the part about the first time second or third might end in emotional inability was a very welcomed comment because I would have stressed over it.:)) Thank you for your advice....and yes it is a large consolation that I am not the only one having this difficulty. I think it is important for people with concerns to know that are not alone:) I will most definitely email you an update:) And I do not recall your policy, but please feel free to post my emails on your website....minus my name:) :)

Thanks for the update, the reaction, and the willingness to share what happens.

As soon as I have time I will create another web page (answers #13) and post your material on it (minus your name, of course).

See if fantasizing helps you to pleasure yourself in front of your lover. Imagine that you are an exotic dancer and that dozens of men want to see your performance -- that thought might facilitate or inhibit you; you decide.

Rehearse the idea that sex is not a deep dark dirty secret -- it is intense pleasure you or your lover can provide to you.

Be gentle with yourself. Decondition from the anxiety slowly.

I look forward to the next update.

sexdoc

11/10/98 Q: Dear Doc;

Here is my question... Every time my girlfriend preforms oral sex on me and I come in her mouth she says that her mouth and throat then go numb from my come. Is this common? And what would cause my come to make her mouth and throat go numb? Thank you for your time and answer.

A: I have never heard of anesthetic chemicals in ejaculate, but the mechanical motion can cause sensory acclimation -- an inability of nerve endings to fire when fired to exhaustion.

Be a research scientist. have oral sex with her with a condom on -- see if she experiences the numbness. Also: with no oral involvement on her part, stimulate the penis and exactly when you have an orgasm, ejaculate into her mouth and ask her to do what she usually does intra-orally (swallow, hold it, spit it out, etc.) when she performs fellatio. Note the effects from these two experiments and get back to me with the results. If the effect is not clear, you might have to perform the experiments several times. I know. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it.

DO GET BACK TO ME WITH THE RESULTS! Other readers: Anyone out there have a similar result? Let me know.

sexdoc

11/10/98 Q: Basically, how do you make love to a woman, and what is "stroking"?

A: Please always remember that different women like sex in different styles. Some like vigorous hard, fast in and out thrusting of the penis, others like it slow and gentle.

Because it takes the average female more time to achieve orgasm during intercourse than it takes the average male, women get disappointed by a guy who penetrates with his penis and who has an orgasm (with softening of the penis) before they do.

Most men penetrate too soon. Many women respond best to significant foreplay with a lot of stimulation of their breasts and clitoris simultaneously -- some even prefer to be brought to orgasm manually first, then to be penetrated (so that some of those women can have a second or more orgasm).

"Stroking" is like rowing a boat. Stroke, stroke, etc. It means a repeated body motion. One movement of the penis all the way in and back almost out would constitute one stroke. So if your lover says "stroke faster" she means more quickly in and out. If she says "stroke harder" she means to try to push your penis more deeply into her.

Received by the Sexdoc recently:

A NON-INVASIVE TREATMENT FOR PAINFUL SEX

Most women have experienced pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse at some point in their lives. For many women however, this pain is constant and totally disabling, preventing them from engaging in any kind of sexual activity. Until recently, it was suggested that women experiencing these symptoms were suffering from a psychological condition. Medical research has proven that, for the vast majority of sufferers, such pain is not psychological. It is a medical condition known as vulvodynia. Vulvodynia literally means pain in the vulva. It is characterised by burning or stabbing in the area around the opening of the vagina. Pain may be constant, intermittant, or only occur when pressure is applied to the vulva. Vulvodynia can make sitting, walking, or even wearing tight clothing a torturous experience. Howard Glazer PhD, has developed the first non-invasive, non-drug treatment for vulvodynia. He discovered that the muscles of the pevlic floor in vulvodynia patients are unstable. Dr. Glazer found that these muscle instabililities could be corrected with a specific set of exercises using muscle measurement technology called surface electromyography. Patients privately insert a small tampon-like device that gets connected to an electromyograph. Patients are instructed to perform a sequence of muscle activities. This enables the muscle instabilities to be evaluated. The results of the evaluation are used to develop a personalised home exercise programme. Patients conduct their exercise with an electromyograph home device. Follow-up sessions are scheduled with Dr. Glazer for muscle re-evaluation and exercise modification. The Glazer Protocol is the only method of biofeedback with scientifically demonstrated effectiveness in the treatment of vulvodynia. This protocol has been recommended in physician education material sponsored by the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Overall, women undergoing the Glazer Protocol report an average reduction in pain of 80%. In addition, research reports that 50% of patients become completely pain free by the end of treatment.

Dr. Glazer is a Clinical Associate Professor of Psychology in Obstetrics and Gynecology at Cornell University Medical College/New York Presbyterian Hospital

For more information contact Dr. Glazer directly at (212) 832-0477 or visit his website at:

http://www.vulvodynia.com

11/10/98 Q: Dear SexDoc,

I am a 27 year old woman and have been married to my 28 yr. old husband for 8 yrs. We have always had a wonderful sex life. We both LOVE sex and are very sexually charged. About 8 months ago, he revealed to me a fantasy that he had about seeing me have sex with another woman. I have to admit it turns me on too, but I'm not sure if it is because of the fact that it turns him on, or if I am merely intrigued. I don't believe in adultery, but I also feel that if both you and your partner are willing participants then it isn't wrong. I find myself attracted to other women, but don't want to participate in something that "might not be so good after all". Please help ... I feel like I would like to experiment would that make me "bisexual"? I guess I'm concerned with the stigma.

A: Everyone is born "pan sexual" -- that means able to be sexual with anything/anyone. Socialization shapes you into being heterosexual unless you were born homosexual.

You might be bisexual; you might be lesbian but ignorant. You are on a dangerous course. If you have sex with another woman, are you prepared for the possibility that you might then not be able to be sexual with a man again?

Ignorance is bliss.

With any threesome you can never go back. Please read on my web site what I say about threesomes. In over 30 years I have NEVER come across a threesome that was satisfactory to all parties.

I suggest that you enjoy the fantasy but that you don't act on it. Most of the time the reality is GROSSLY UNDERWHELMING! And it destroys the fantasy.

Let me know what happens....

sexdoc

Link to Answers #12

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