Sex and Relationships
Answers to questions about sex therapy and sexuality
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Answer page #11
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9/28/98 Q: Hi Doc! >I have had an on again/off again sexual relationship with a colleague >for 8 years. Despite each of us having other significant relationships >during this time, we are still incredibly sexually attracted to each >other. When we are together it is exciting, intense and very tempting! >It doesn't feel like this for us with other lovers. Even when our >triost was not "forbidden" this feeling of intensity was present. We >satisfy one another completely. He was raised in a very religious >(Baptist) family and is still close to his parents. I too was raised >strictly Catholic and have rebelled against what my mother taught me >made girls "good" and "bad". I have a very healthy sexual appetite. I >would love to be in a long term relationship with a man who would be my >sexual equal like this. However, after sexual intercourse with this >man, I feel like a "whore" because of the way he acts.. He seems to >change: becoming incapable of intimacy when he had just been the most >gentle, caring lover I have ever had. He has chosen not to spend the >entire night with me despite my requests and disappointment. He seems >to need to be away from me when moments before he couldn't keep his >hands off of me. When he "does me and drops me" like this I feel cheap >and used! I don't understand! I feel so confused. Please help. L.
Dear L: Most men and women are conflicted about their sexual behavior. They want it and enjoy it, then feel guilt or intimate or exposed among other things. Once then having achieved orgasm (or reached a point of intolerance) they push away.
It sounds lke you are sexually compatible but emotionally incompatible. Treat this like an audition. What have you learned. Now how can you bite the bullet and accept this incompatibility with him, and find a man with whom you are sexually, emotionally, and intellectually compatible.
Audition the next one and cut bait as soon as you conclude that there is no chance for a harmonious long-term relationship.
9/28/98 Q: Dr. Fitz,
My girlfriend and I recently had sex and she told me that she was still a virgin and that she wanted me to be her first. I was totally shocked when she told me this and I was also very happy. I just couldn't believe that she wanted me to be her first, I had never had sex with a virgin before. But I had heard so many stories about how it is supposed to hurt and bleed. Well it didn't hurt her at all and she didn't bleed any and so I have been wondering if she was really a virgin. There wasn't any pain at all and she really got into the sex and she knows what she is doing. She had told me that she was experienced with oral sex and masturbating but that she had never gone all the way. My question for you is how do I know if she was really a virgin or if she just wanted to make me think that she was? Is it common for some virgins to not feel any pain or bleed at all? Should I even be worrying about this? It just really bothers me to think that she may have just told me that she was a virgin just make me think that it was something really special. I am madly in love with her and she loves me too but I just can't ask her about this because I don't want her to think that I don't believe her. She also feels somewhat loose and her lips on her vagina are big. Are big lips a sign of having sex often?
Your response would greatly be appreciated.
Thank you, C.
EVERYBODY PLEASE NOTE (AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS):
A: Dear C.
Many women have a resorbed hymen (it just goes away all by itself), some women, through physical activity have made it go away. Some women are "natural lovers" in that they are uninhibited and do and verbalize (read "moan") what feels good!
I suggest that you take as "sweet" that she wanted you to be her first. True or not, it was a very flattering comment!
9/28/98 Q: Greetings,
my wife and i of 18 years have hit an impass as far as finding new things to try in the bedroom (and the great outdoors) we have done most everything on a safe and clean level we are craving more.
have you heard of anyplace we can go that is safe and "for real" that teaches sexual techniques either out of a book or hands on approches.
i enjoyed reading your advice and suggestions We are hoping you can help us with this thank you kindly
A: Because different people have different preferences for eroticism, I suggest that you spend several hours at your local biggest bookstore. In addition, we sex therapists find it refreshing to work with a couple on sexual enhancement instead of therapy to address a dysfunction.
What do you think?
9/28/98 Q: My boyfriend of 3 months is turned on by the feel of soft angora sweaters. He enjoys looking at sweaters,feeling the sweaters,makng love with me wearing these sweaters and with himself wearing these sweaters. My concern is that maybe he is gay because he is so turned on by wearing soft fabrics. Should I be concerned or is this something that is normal in relationships? Please respond.
A: At a minimum he is sensual. At a maximum he has a fetish. None of which is related to homosexuality. I'll bet that when he was young and impressionable that he either had a girlfriend who wore angora sweaters while they were making out, or that he lusted after some woman (possibly in the movies) who wore angora. It eroticizes him -- turns him on -- strongly.
The therapeutic questions are A) is he incapable of being sexual in the absence of angora, and B) does either of you mind (having been reassured that it's OK) incorporating angora into some aspect of your sex play?
9/28/98 Q: Hello Dr.
I am a 26 year old female. I am in a very monogamous and loving relationship with a 25 year old male.
We have a very active and imaginative sex life which includes oral sex.
My question is, or rather my challenge, and Im hoping you can help me with some ideas to overcome this challenge is that my boyfriend would like for me to very much be able to allow him to ejaculate in my mouth when Im performing oral sex on him. My problem is I have a very sensetive gag reflex if he even puts his penis to far into my mouth. I want very much to be able to "swallow" for him but I am very concerned about my gag reflex. Do you have suggestions for as to how I can overcome this challenge.
By the way, he is a wonderful man and tells me that it doesnt matter if I am ever able to swallow for him, or even allow him to ejaculate in my mouth, but I want to do this for him very much.
I would greatly appreciate any ideas you may have.
Thank you very much for you time.
A: There is a technique to suppress the gag reflex called the "Temporal tap" in Applied Kinesiology. Some dentists and some chiropractors know about it. It doesn't work with everybody.
I suggest that you re-think the importance of swallowing. Lower its importance in your thoughts.
Be cautioned that if you use any desensitizing medicines on the back of your throat that you will pass them on to the tip of his penis, which will be as numb as your throat!
The gag reflex is there to save your life. Don't mess with Mother Nature.
9/25/98 Q: Hello Doc, can you please give an explanation for this scenario. ??????????????? An erection is possible when waking up,simply by thinking about sex, as well as masturbating. These erections are flawless. When with a woman an erection occurs, but if foreplay extends for a period of time there is a problem. After a little while, maintaining an erection can be troublesome. If sex is had before this problem occurs then there is no problem with erection. It seems as though something comes out of the penis(thin and clear substance), and after that the erection goes down. The penis then takes on the shape of having already ejaculated, but really did not. I hope this was explained well enough. Please send me your response. THANKS
A: Dear R: I have addressed this on my web page several months ago, but what the hey, even the Playboy Advisor answers the same question years apart.
There is a very good chance that you are between 40 and 65 and that up until now, an erection stayed with you during extended foreplay. Around 40-65 years of age (with remarkable individual differences) something happens neurologically, and obce the penis gets erect, it needs some degree of constant stimulation to stay hard. Ignore it for too long, as during foreplay when you're concentrating on her, and it goes away. You need to keep paying attention to it (or she does).
The clear liquid that comes out is what is called in the vernacular (slang) "pre-cum". It is a product of the Cowper's gland, and it both lubricates the urethra (the tube where the semen comes out) and neutralizes traces of uric acid left in the urethra (chemistry folks would say that it is chemically "basic" to neutralize the acid).
Please e-mail your reply to my questions: how old are you; after experimenting with what I described, did that do it for you, and do you have any questions about my explanation?
9/24/98 Q: Hi Doctor, > >I am a 35 year old male. For several years I have had trouble ejaculating while having intercourse. I have no problem masturbating and in fact, I think I have a pretty healthy self-gratifying sex life. It is when I am with a woman is when I am unable to reach orgasm and ejaculate. >I usually end up staying erect until I tire out. This hasn't been a problem for my girlfriend (or my past girlfriends). They seem to enjoy my lengthy erections. > >I have been able to ejaculate in the past (many years ago) so I know that there is nothing physically wrong with me. > >Any advice would be appreciated. > >Thank You, B.
What you describe sounds like psychogenic retarded ejaculation. It is one of the more elusive sex problems because it is caused by widely diverse reasons.
The self-help protocol is to masturbate until you are about to ejaculate, then insert and have an orgasm. Over successive trials, insert sooner and sooner, always achieving orgasm.
I have never heard of a man being able to achieve this by self-help alone (may have happened, I just have never heard it). It works in sex therapy when modulated by the therapist and with concomitant anxiety reduction in therapy.
9/24/98 Q: Hi Doc,
I am a 34 year old male that likes to have sex at least twice a week, sometimes 3 and more than that if I can get it. My girlfriend / fiance says that I ask too much and there is nothing wrong with once a week or maybe once every other week. We are still having sex at least twice a week. She thinks I am addicted to sex. Help!!! Am I a sex addict? How much sex is too much?
A: The only way to measure "too much" is if it interferes with school, work, sleep, or social engagements. I have had couples in therapy who were sexual to orgasm twice a day Monday through Friday and three times per day Saturday and Sunday. That was not too much for them.
I have had other couples who are sexual once every 6 weeks. That worked for them. It is intensely individualistic! I encourage folks to be sexual when they want (when it doesn't interfere with other commitments). If their partner is willing, great. If not, then take care of yourself!
9/24/98 Q:My husband likes kinky sex & I don't really. He likes me to use sex toys to >penetrate him anally. I've told him this is a real turn-off for me, but he >keeps pushing me to do it. I've done it for him a few times hoping he would >get it out of his system, but he hasn't. Whenever we have sex, he likes to >make a big production out of it with toys, lingerie, porno, etc. He seems to >like this type of sex more than just "plain" sex with me. He also likes to >dress in women's lingerie during sex but doesn't around me because I told him >I don't like it, but I know he does when he's alone. I feel I should be able >to set some boundaries & have him respect them, but he just keeps trying to >get me to do things I don't feel comfortable doing. Now I've found out that >he has been masturbating with sex toys out in the garage. It is very >disturbing to me that he has this "secret sex life". I want to tell him to >stop this behavior, but I don't know if he will. Do I have the right to >insist that he stop? Or does he have the right to his privacy? He thinks I >am too inhibited. Maybe I am? > >
A: Different people are eroticized in different ways. It sounds as though he is clearly in touch with what stimulates him, and equally clear is your turn-off. If he is content to stimulate himself when you wish not to participate, is there any threat to the marriage? I hear no assault on monogamy. But you two do sound at very different places sexually. My suggestion is that each of you do what you are comfortable with, and anything left over is up to each of you to take care of.
I hope this helps. If you continue to be in conflict with each other I suggest negotiating boundaries with the help of a therapist.
9/25/98 she e-mails back: Thank you for your reply. You said "...anything left over is up to each of you to take care of", does that mean anything sexually that my husband enjoys & I don't want to participate in, is ok for him to do alone? It just seems strange to me that he has this separate sex life, away from us. From reading this website I gather most men masturbate quite often. I think part of my fustration is that it makes me feel inadequate because this is something he really enjoys & I can't seem to get into it. Sometimes I just wish he would be more "normal", but I'm beginning to think for a man he is quite "normal". Other times I just wish I could let go & be turned on by the things he enjoys. My husband would love for me to be more uninhibited and more dominating during sex. Is there any way for me to become more like what he would want?
P.S. Thank so much for taking the time to answer these sensitive questions from people like myself free of charge on this website. I don't know where else I would get this kind of information from.
A: I presume that you have a commitment to sexual monogamy. As I am fond of saying (and have elsewhere on the web page), we so easily accept that people have different heights, skin color, and physical characteristics, but as a nation, Americans are obsessed (too strong but just barely) with being sexually "normal".
Some men and women like to have an orgasm once every 6 weeks. Some like 2-4 orgasms per day. Both are perfectly normal.
I'll bet that you and your husband are different heights and different weights. And that one of you wants to be sexual more often than the other. If he wanted to be sexual one half to one third -- let's say even one tenth -- as often as you did, should you go unsexual waiting for him?
Although it shocks some people, what I try to achieve with patients is for either to approach the other whenever one is interested in being sexual. The initiator can inform the respondent of what he or she wants. The respondent can reply A) sounds great, let's do it (with "now" or "later" being OK); or B) I don't want to do that right now, how about an alternative in which I participate but not that way (such as using a hand or mouth or a frottage technique [described on answers page #11] instead of penile-vaginal intercourse); or C) "I just don't feel like being sexual right now. How about if you have privacy some place (bedroom or garage in your case), and we'll both know what you're doing and I'll hold your calls".
The freedom to engage that way is extremely liberating for both parties!!!!! The initiator knows that he or she will have an orgasm. The only question is how. And the respondent is "off the hook" and doesn't complicate their emotional life either by resentment about proceeding against his or her preferences, or guilt that he or she said "no". Does this make sense?
Since I started doing therapy over 30 years ago, and in my specialty of 13 years in sex therapy, one of the lovely things I have discovered is that the vast majority of people have an inherent sexuality, but that most people have internalized suppressing messages ("Don't play with yourself; nice girls don't ..." etc.) that inhibit their sexual expression. In sex therapy, the disinhibiting process that eliminates sexual dysfunction also dispels the suppressions, enabling the vast majority of people to recapture their more primal feelings. So yes, if you went to sex therapy with your husband you would most likely exit the process more sexually flexible.
Over 80% of women and 99% of men routinely masturbate. It is not to be insulting to their spouse; it is in addition to their sexual contact with their spouse (in most cases, but not all).
I hope this helps.
p.s. I included your kind words of thanks with this most recent comment.
9/25/98 Q: hi, i am an 18 year old female and i am wondering about oral sex. i have given blow jobs before and my current boyfriend says everything i do is right, but i don't think he would tell me if i were doing anything wrong. as of now i start with a hand job and then lick up and down his penis. then i use hand and mouth at the same time, but i basically just massage him with my tongue when he is in my mouth. is this right, or should i suck on him or what? also, i have never let a guy come in my mouth and i am curious to try but also scared. should i try it? i am afraid if i gag or get disgusted i will be really embarresed after. finally, what is deep throating? thank you for your help. j.
A: Dear J.,
Every guy is a little different, and the rule is to start basically as you have, and to then tune into the recipient's excitement. Modify what you do based on his reaction. Try saying "I am your Robo Android and must be programmed. Tell me exactly what to do and when to do something different. I only follow orders" and then "force" him to use exact anatomical terms. "Make me feel good" and "like you usually do" are not understandable to a robot. "Tahe as much of my penis in your mouth and put one hand around the shaft at the base", etc., are. Get the point? And if he doesn't say anything, don't do anything (or just keep doing what he said most recently). Steer away from a "formula" because sooner or later you'll find an exception.
Some guys like sucking, others don't care. If it tires out your mouth quickly, though, don't do it. Most guys would rather have a longer time that is less vigorous than a short time that is more "violent". Most guys will volunteer that they would like you to pace yourself so that you can continue until they ejaculate.
A pointer: If you breathe through your mouth while his wet penis is inside it, there will likely be evaporation and cooling. Once in a while that can be a turn on, but if the penis gets too much of a cold blast it could be less responsive.
I suggest trying what it is like to have a guy come in your mouth but a few comments: NEVER let a guy insist or demand that you take it and swallow it. That is your choice. Some guys will insist on it as a power or manipulation thing. When you're nice enough to do your very best, it's your way or no way. AND: The taste of semen is affected by foods, spices, medicine, and other aspects of body chemistry. There is no formula. Many women say that green leafy vegetables make ejaculate taste bitter; others say the opposite, but that it is noticable. I do not know of anything that a guy can ingest that will make it sweet. IF ANY READER KNOWS, PLEASE e-mail me! If you gag or get disgusted, then you'll know. But if you're scared, don't do it. Remember that sex is FUN!
"Deep throating": (Have you ever heard of Linda Lovelace? The movie "Deep Throat"? -- rent it and use it as a training film.) It means taking the tip of the penis past the back of your mouth, into your throat. There is a ring of cartilage back there that forces the tip of the penis to receive pretty strong compression force, and the added nerve stimulation is supposed to drive a guy wild.
I think it is over-rated. It hits straight onto the nerves that trigger the gag reflex. It can cause the throat-owner to throw up. Depending on the size of the penis tip and the size of the throat it can bruise the penis (which will not be felt until later), It can also give you a sore throat.
An experiment: have a small ice cube nearby and in the middle of the experience, take it into your mouth along with the penis and use your tongue to move it around so it touches different parts of the penis. Some guys hate it, some can tolerate only 5 seconds, but others say that the added nerve stimulation from the cold triggers them into an explosive orgasm!
Remember to HAVE FUN!
9/24/98 Q: Hi Dr. Fits, > >I read almost all the Q&A on the webpage. None have really grasped an >answer for me. Here is the problem. I have a high sex drive the can be >sometime irritating. My wife feels like I am pushing her into sex. We have >tried everything to increase her sex drive and it does not work. My >question is, is there any medication or therapy that could decrease my sex >drive to which my wife is at. It is at the point where it is affecting our >married. I love her so much that I would do anything to decrease my sex >drive. Could you email me back with some possible resolutions. > >Thanks > >KC > >
A: Dear KC:
NO NO NO!!!! The SOLUTION is for you to abandon the myth that the only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse, and to be sexual with your wife as often as she is willing, and to then be sexual by yourself until you are satisfied! PLEASE do not attempt some "medicine".
What do you think of this solution?
9/24/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fritz, > I just found your site by chance. Thank goodness! Maybe you can answer >this for me. I have found a woman who is incredible in almost every way. She >is willing to try almost anything at the mere suggestion, and is as crazy >about me as I am about her. She falls into the 60% who have trouble with >orgasm through penetration, but we have been working on that, and thanks to >you will learn more. (And hopefully be able to contribute to your answers page >on that subject) > She loves to give me head, and I love it too. The perplexing thing is, I >am very rarely able to come this way. This has always been the case for me. >She and other women have done incredible things trying make it happen, but >without resorting to my own stimulation, it's nearly impossible. I have tried >relaxing, fantasizing, everything I can think of. Any suggestions? Thanks. > >
A: It's usually a matter of anxiety -- Nice guys don't come in their partner's mouth, etc.
I suggest that you break out of the myth that only one "thing" can happen at once. Alternate between your hand and her mouth, and if she wants you to come in her mouth, time it just right!
Please do let me know what happens!
p.s. The sexdoc is "Fitz", no "R".
9/24/98 Q: can my girlfriend be pragnent if I didn't use a condem but I didn't ejaculate >in her vagina? > >
A: Yep! Your "pre-cum" (the clear liquid while you are excited but before you ejaculate) contains 40,000 to 80,000 sperm, only one of which needs to swim the distance and get into the egg.
Sorry about that.
9/18/98 Q: Your site is wonderful. I have been in it for hours and have been >learning things - thank you! I went into this subject on the net (and >happily found your site) because I am very concerned about the one thing >I can't discuss with my boyfriend . We are both in our 40's.) My boyfriend says that my vagina feels loose -- not a snug fit on his penis (I didn't know this stuff >before) but he doesn't complain. I learned the "vagina size info." by >asking him a question because of that. I could barely handle my former husband's size and >have no experience with this issue (or much else, for that matter :) My boyfriend is GREAT with his hands, although I do not orgasm that way; I orgasm while he is in me. It's very challenging because of his lack of size. But he adores having sex and can just keep going and going; >enjoys the act itself rather than the "goal" or orgasm. >I can't help wondering if time will make this issue more difficult to >handle and even now I wish that he was bigger. And if I can't feel him, >I wonder how long he will be satisfied and the lack of sensation he must >have. I am asking you because, although I trust his attitude and his advice/knowledge, this can't be great for him either and I don't want >him to feel inadequate. I need some more understanding; I am very inexperienced. Before we had sex, we were doing heavy petting and it felt like there was about 7" inside his pants and he was hard; now that we've had sex it seems like 4" soft inches. But if this smaller size wasn't normal for him, I would think he would have said something or be frustrated from lack of size or hardness. Could I have been that mistaken from what I thought was under his pants when he was hard? I kept thinking he needed more stimulation to gain full size but it's been the same size/hardness (or lack of) every time we've had intercourse. He seems to want to stay doing one thing or position for extended periods of time, like I said, the positions are very limited from what I am used to because he doesn't have the size to manage many other things. I have't found anything yet that directly addresses this issue in your site (now yet, anyway). Please can you give me some information on the mechanics of this situation plus any advice. I have nobody I can ask and I desperately come to you for help. Thank you for being available and for teaching and helping so many people. Betty
A: >> Dear Betty, . Only about 40% of women achieve orgasm (get enough clitoral stimulation) >> from penile thrusting alone! I suggest that you figure out how to get more clitoral stimulation, by him or by you, during intercourse. Intercourse is intimate, but not the best route for stimulation. I hope this helps. sexdoc >>
She replies: I appreciate your reply very much. This >entire subject has me very tense; I think you should be given a medal >for helping people like you do! >Could you please address/help me understand about him? If he can't feel >me, basically, because I'm too large, then what about his stimulation, >feelings. Will he get bored / is this something that can wear away at >our relationship? >When I was able to get back into your site I read some things and am >wondering if the damage I sustained during childbirth explains >my loose vagina. >Before your site, by the way, I had no idea what a G-spot was or >anything about it. Thank you again for helping so many of us learn >things on a subject where there is often nowhere to turn. thank you again! > >
The sexdoc replies more extensively: Dear Betty,
Men and women get hooked into this idea that "the only REAL sex is penile-vaginal intercourse". A hell of a lot of men ask me how to get their lovers to give them head.
Did you see the frottage (rubbing) suggestions on Answers page #11?
Forget the singularity of penile-vaginal intercourse! You want to give him tight? Read everything on my page about anal sex. Many women start off saying "no way, Jose" and a majority end up, when it is done RIGHT (gradual dilation, lots of lubrication, rectal rinse so they feel like they're NOT going to have a bowel movement), savoring it as one of numerous techniques for variety (and more that one woman has INSISTED that she has a "different orgasm" from anal sex).
Using your mouth and hand simultaneously (like in some porno flicks) with him just lying there and not having to do anything but receive pleasure can "pussy whip" many a man!
Your sexual glass is not half empty because you have a big introitus. Your sex life is brimming over with a wide variety of things you can engage in. Got it?
9/18/98 Q: >> >> I am 20 year old female and have been dating my current boyfriend for a year now. My problem is that I orgasm too quickly, usually about after >> 5-10 minutes of penial/vaginal intercourse. This bothers my boyfriend >> because after I orgasm I can't have any kind of stimulation for another couple of hours. He feels left out and always says that I am using him because after I orgasm I don't want to have any kind of intercourse. The reason I don't want to have any kind of stimulation or intercourse after orgasm is because it is irritating to my vagina. Is there anyway that I can hold out longer before I orgasm or that can help me to please my boyfriend without vaginal stimulation? > >
A: Dear P.,
You are the envy of many men and women right now! For every letter I get like this I get a hundred saying "I can't come even after 45 minutes with the vibrator on my clitoris, and my boyfriend comes in 20-30 seconds!!!!!"
So for you to have an orgasm in 5-10 minutes, and for him to "last" 5-10 minutes, you both get applause! I strongly suggest that out of respect for your vaginal sensitivity (perfectly normal) that you and he ABANDON the myth that the only "real" sex is penile-vaginal intercourse" and that you either excite him to a fever pitch before penetration or that you use other body parts to continue to stimulate his penis after your vagina becomes sensitive. There's a whole body outside the vagina that has fun parts to rub!!!!
What do you think?
I have a description of rubbing alternatives on Answers page #11
9/16/98 Q: Hi, > >I am a 25 year old women. I would like to know if it is normal not feeling >sexually exited when my boy friend touching my breast He told me that his >ex-girl friends could be turned on by this. However, I don't feel anything >by touching my breast. > >Kathy
A: Dear Kathy,
There are tremendous individual differences in people's response to breast/nipple stimulation. Some men and women can have orgasms from nipple stimulation alone. Some people with ultra-sensitive nipples have a hormone imbalance that needs to be checked by an M.D.
You are an individual and have your own unique set of "turn-ons". Encourage your boyfriend to accept that.
Best wishes and thanks for a great question!
9/16/98 Q: Dear Sir, > I would like to ask what could be done about this problem if anything. My >wife has very tender breast and nipples. She can stand for them to be >touched. I like to lick and suck on her tits, and fondle them but she >cannot stand it. Is there something that we can do where they won't be so >tender? What about using a desensittising cream on them would this hurt, >and could I put her nipples in my mouth after using the cream? > >Thanks D.
A: Tender nipples is sometimes a symptom of a hormone imbalance. I suggest that your wife get a hormone assay or at least call the precise sensitivity to the attention of her OB-GYN to solicit a live medical opinion. Desensitizing creams will make your mouth numb.
9/16/98 Q: Dear Doc, > >I'm in a relationship with this wonderful man.I love him dearly but I >have a few problems with his sexuality. or, maybe its me who's got the >problem? > >He has a very strong sex drive, I mean he constantly wants sex.He likes >to talk about it the day after etc. I dont want to imply that he is >unfaithful or anything its just that sex seems to take up a lot of his >thoughts. is this normal? > >Also, when he has an orgasim he is really out of control, it's quite >scary to me, Ive never seen men orgasm in this way. Its like his body is >having a fit of some sort...his head thrashes from side to side and it >lasts for some 20 seconds or longer...his body stiffens sometimes I >think his eyes are going to roll back into his head. Am I being silly >thinking it strange or is this normal? >Do men differ so much when having orgasms? Im not that experienced, I >just would like to know?? >thanking you >Jeanette > >
A: Dear Jeannette,
Yes, some men do! While what you describe is more often attributed to women, some men also have very powerful body reactions.
9/16/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz, I recently had a lawyer in a small town ask me if a normal man >could have orgasm and not ejaculate. I told her that it would be highly >unusual unless he had prior training in this as a sexual technique, or unless >he had some disease (ie: neuropathy) or perhaps obstruction, or perhaps >medication effect. Is this generally correct? >
I am a retired pediatrician and have consulted with this person before. >Of course any reply you make will not be used in the legal system I am not >seeking free consultation in the sense that I will use this reply for personal >gain. I don't charge for this service to her in any way. > Just hard to look this up on the Net, was curious, and ask for your >reply. > Truly, D. McC., MD > >
A: Dear Dr. McC.,
It is a pleasure and an honor to respond to your question. Please accept my apology for not responding sooner but I have had an unusually large number of questions in the past several weeks.
The most common reason for no expulsion of liquid on orgasm is retrograde ejaculation -- where the fluid accumulated in the seminal vesicles is deposited into the bladder as a result of an imbalance between the internal and external urinary sphincters.
Also, according to an article in the journal "Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality" " ...Ejaculation is a function of the lumbar sympathetic system. Retrograde ejaculation or complete loss of ejaculatory response is not uncommon following bilateral retroperitoneal lymph node dissection for testicular tumors." (Joseph M. Malin, M.D.)
Also, insofar as it is the prostate that produces the bulk of the ejaculatory contents, a prostatectomy will result in dry orgasms.
If by "normal" you mean unaffected by surgery, then yes, urinary sphincter "confusion" neurologically causes retrograde ejaculation and much frustration.
Please let me know if I can be of service in the future.
William F. Fitzgerald, Ph.D., AKA the sexdoc
9/14/98 NOTE: If you're a regular reader, you know that there have been no updates since Thursday, 9/3/98. The Sexdoc has been busier than usual, and has answered many questions and e-mailed them back to their authors, but not had time to map them into the page and uplink them to the server. Phew! I'll try to retreive some of the most interesting ones and post them. Now on to some really interesting ones from today:
9/14/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz, > >Thank you for providing this forum. I have an upstairs bedroom that faces >the street. Across the street lives a couple and their bathroom window is >visible to my room. I am a single father and I masturbate in my room. To >make a long story short, recently I noticed that the woman across the >street was watching me and it gave me a tremendous thrill. Now, every night >I position myself just right, the computer screen lighting part of my body, >and wait for her to open her blinds. I don't believe she knows I know she >is watching me. After orgasm the incredible "thrill" suddenly becomes a >sense of humiliation and I find myself so "shaky" I have trouble sleeping. >I was sexually abused as a child and spent some time years ago in therapy. >I am in a relationship where we only enjoy sex at her home when my kids are >at their moms, but I'm not that interested anyway -- I'm satisfied with >masturbation. Anyway, I can't seem to shake this addiction to being >watched. I love the thrill enough to endure the sense of shame. No one else >is being harmed, there is no danger of others seeing me. Should I let it go >and enjoy, or get help even though therapy would be a financial strain >right now? I very much appreciate your time and advice. Confused in Atlanta (the city has been changed to protect ....)
A: Dear Confused,
Of what are you ashamed? What are you doing wrong? Are you forcing her to watch? Do you so monopolize her view that she has no choice but to see you when all she wants is blue sky and fresh air?
You and she have reciprocal paraphilias -- (literally "love beyond"). You like to be seen and she likes to watch. I'll bet you 50-50 odds that she has at least one hand between her legs while she's watching you. And if you wait until she appears before you start to touch yourself, or if you climax about the same number of minutes after she appears every time, assume that she knows that you know that she is watching you.
Exhibitionism is exposing yourself to unsolicited recipients -- If she sets herself up to "tune in" over and over again, and she stays, not closing the curtains roughly, you can infer that she is welcoming the view. You BOTH are doing something "naughty", which I think causes the humiliation and shaky feeling. You're getting a turbo-charged squirt of adrenaline which enhances the sexual experience; kind of like making love in a campground where someone could walk by and observe you. If you finish and cover up before anyone comes by, you've "gotten away with it".
Now the BAD NEWS: If HER HUSBAND wonders where she is between 11 and 11:15 every night while he's watching the late news, and he sneaks in behind her in the dark, and gets jealous of what he sees, HE could call the cops, get them to take pictures, and arrest you for exhinitionism, indecent exposure, being lewd in public, etc. YOU ARE AT RISK!
From what you have described, no, I don't think you need therapy for this event.
Author and other readers, what do you think?
9/14/98 Q: Hello SexDoc, > > I'm Nico, Belgian, 26 years old and married for 4 years. Our >sex life has become boring. All sex therapists advice to make love in >different places, like hotel, or wear other sexy clothes, etc... >But that's not the problem. It's just that we are used already to each >others body and you cannot change that anymore, isn't it ? My wife >asked if it is wrong to flirt to people you like ? >It's not that exciting anymore like in the begining that you're still so >exciting to each other's body. >I hope you can help me with some advice ? > >Best regards, > >Nico
A: Dear Nico,
If you expect to continue to feel the excitement of the first dozen or so times you touched each other's body, it is your expectations that need adjustment, not your sexual technique.
Novelty means "new-ness" and there is a special thrill associated with learning about each other. After that, knowing each other matures and changes into anticipating what each other especially enjoys and doing it -- if not all the time, then on occasion.
If by "flirting to people you like" your wife means being physical with them, the answer is: "That depends on your understanding with each other". What happens if either of you touches someone new and really enjoys the novelty? I suggest that you discuss what "being married" means to you.
9/15/98 Q: Dear Doc, > My boyfriend and I have decided as a couple to not engage in penile-vaginal intercourse until after college. However, like most youth, we have desires. Due to the fact that neither of us is ready to risk pregnancy at this time in our lives, we practice oral sex and "dry-humping" (he has his underwear on and I have mine off or visa versa.) The problem is that tonight I was on top of him, and after a rather rigorous session, I got off of him and noticed that there was a spot of blood on his underwear. After close examination, we realized that the material from his cotton briefs and the direct friction on my vagina rubbed the inner lips of my vagina raw. Now it is very painful to urinate, and I actually am having a throbbing-like sensation. We realize now that even though I was well lubricated to begin with, the extra long session was more than I could handle apparently. Is there any treatment that would ease the pain and burning associated with raw skin. (The rawness is actaully too close to the vaginal opening, and I am afraid that typical ointments like Neosporin may actually increase the burning and do more damage.) So far, running cool water over it and keeping KY jelly on it soothes it temporarily. But I need to know if there is anything else I can do to treat it (or at least soothe it) so I can actually put on underwear, use the restroom with out it burning (and be able to go to classes)? As of right now, I cannot put anything on over it like underwear, or it hurts. Help! >-M.
Dear M.: Ouch!
I have been out of town and overwhelmed with e-mails on my return-- I just saw your question.
Dry humping will do that! You have some options. Both wearing underpants is one, but consider separating the event: with him lying on his back, straddle one of his legs with your labia on top of his upper thigh. By rotating your pelvis and controlling the motion and the pressure, you can stimulate your clitoris as teasingly (to prolong) or as vigorously as you like.
His "turn", either before or after yours, could be you lying on your tummy, he lubricates the crack of your ass, then lies on top of you, sliding his erect penis up and down the crack. He controls the pressure and the pace. You can contribute by squeezing your gluteus maximus muscles (giving him a firmer "platform"). He ejaculates on the small of your back, and after he catches his breath, he uses kleenex to mop up his emission as any gentleman would. One caution: The two of you must have an explicit understanding about anal sex. If he slides down "too far" and inserts his penis into your rectum, is that OK or taboo? I suggest that if you want to try anal sex that you go through all the procedures on my web page about how to do that to avoid discomfort. Rubbing in the crack of your ass is the "no condom" guy thing.
Another "frottage" (means "rubbing") technique is for you to lie on your side, he lies on his side behind you, put lube between your thighs, and he inserts his condomed penis between your thighs and rocks back and forth on his hip (you can rock yours too if you dance well together) to thrust back and forth, simulating intercourse. The condom is a very good idea because if he ejaculates that close to your vagina, some semen could get inside and the marathom sperm swim begins.
Please tell me what you think of this. Other readers also?
9/3/98 Q: What is the difference betwwen a G-spot stimulated orgasm and a >clitorally stimulated orgasm? Can only a woman tell, or can a guy tell >if he is hitting the G-spot? > >Thank you for reading this, > >Joe > >
A: Dear Joe,
There are enormous individual differences, so I will describe the most typical experience.
When a woman has the usual, clitorally stimulated, orgasm, she experiences from 3 to 30 involuntary contractions of her pelvic muscles. Other stuff also occurs, but then it's over.
If you get her "up to speed" with clitoral stimulation, and as she is close to orgasm you transition from clitoral to g-spot stimulation, then either from g-spot stimulation alone or that plus low-level clitoral stimulation, she can "flutter" in a state of constant orgasm that is less profound than the usual orgasm but causes her body to experience involuntary muscle contractions pelvically and elsewhere in a state of apparent delerium. There are immense individual differences. Some women rock their head from side to side. Others point their toes or clench the sheets in a fist, or raise their legs up and down rapidly. Some gasp for breath, others mutter obscenities over and over non-stop. Some are very passive, assume a beatific smile and look like they are drugged (which, in a sense, they are, getting a constant pumping of endorphins into their blood stream).
With a regular orgasm, it is truly involuntary -- that is, when it's over, it's over. With a g-spot reaction it goes on until she begs for mercy!
The stimulator needs to observe her behavior carefully, increasing the g-spot stimulation (which can be augmented by gentle clitoral stimulation if that helps) if she appears to be "cooling off", and slowing it down if she is getting too violent.
Despite careful investigation, not every woman has a g-spot! But boy, oh boy, searching for it can be fun, and if you find hers and you can "ride the crest of the wave" for her, she'll follow you anywhere! By the way: her asking you to teach her next boyfriend how to do it is ABSOLUTELY politically incorrect. That plus the "venus butterfly" oral sex technique are strictly in the possession of the perpetrator.
And yes, dear reader, if you were wondering if I enjoy answering these questions, the answer should be obvious.
9/3/98 Q: Hello, I am a 19 year old female, and I (obviously) have a problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. In the beginning of the relationship, we had sex all the time. I mean ALL the time. At least once a day. But now, I just can't seem to get interested at all in sex. We only do it...maybe once every two weeks, and I have to put some serious effort into it. I was thinking maybe the problem is I have never orgasmed. I have tried a vibrator, and while it feels good, it never -does the job-. I also bought a book, and tried all the stuff it told me to do. Could this lack of satisfaction on my part be causing this disinterest in sex? By the way, I am very much in love with him, as is he with me. But, while he continually denies it, I think he might be getting upset with me. HELP! I don't think he'd do anything like leave me, but I sincerely want to please him more than I am able to now. I feel awful about, but that seems to compound the problem. We have talked about it, and he understands and can deal with it. Also, I have gained a couple pounds, (-cough-7 lbs.) and I don't feel very sexy at all. I don't know...I know the reasons for not feeling in the mood, I just don't know what to do about them. Oh yes, I have another question. When I use the vibrator, I get this weird...shiver, excited nerves feeling all up and down my legs. What the heck is that all about? Please help, I am desperate! Sincerely, Wants to want to have sex again
Yes, I am writing another letter. This just popped in my head as I >scanned the rest of the letters. I only got half way through, (weeks >current-5) because it is late and I am tired. > >I have another problem. I wrote you before that I have never orgasmed. >Well, uh, my boyfriend thinks I have. I know I know, I shouldn't have >done that, but you didn't see the look in his eye after many times with >no finish. I couldn't bare it. So I faked it. I fake it an average of >every sixth time we have sex. So I cannot tell him about this angle of >my disinterest in sex. I would feel too bad, as would he. What do you >think? > >
A: If the book you read was Lonnie Barbach's "For Yourself", let me know. If it was another book, get Lonnie's -- it has a remarkable success rate for pre-orgasmic (nice positive touch, no?) women.
If you go through all the effort and never have an orgasm, I'm not surprised that you are losing interest in sex. Where's the payoff? Keep working on it. Are you sure that you're giving your clitoris enough attention without making it go numb?
The nerve stuff up and down your legs is most probably "referred pleasure". If it doesn't hurt and occurs only during profound sexual stimulation, don't worry about it.
Do you know what an orgasm is? The essense is involuntary pelvic muscle contractions of eight tenths of a second apart, with anywhere from 3 to 30 such involuntary contractions.
If you can't get orgasmic on your own, with self-help, please see a sex therapist. This is not rocket science to address.
And I think that your heart is in the right place to fake the orgasm, and I suggest that you have an affirmative obligation to not tell him that that's what you do every 6th time.
Regarding your fear that he is becoming perturbed by all this, I ask: Have you embraced the MYTH that the only REAL sex is penile-vaginal intercourse? I suspect that if you afford him relief from his sexual tension via hand, mouth, or his rubbing various of your body parts (see more on this in this #11 page), he will "hang in there" while you and he work on your sexual response.
Let me know what you think about this.
She writes again: 9/6/98 -Hi, it's me again. Well, I do not have the book you suggested. >However, I intend to pick it up. > >But I think maybe I won't need it. I decided to give it a whirl again >with my vibrator, and after almost an hour, I think I had an orgasm. If >it wasn't an orgasm, I'd hate to actually have one! > >I was also using a dildo while using the vibrator. I think I had one of >those orgasms you talked about in the question above mine, the g-spot >orgasm because I couldn't keep my legs still at all, I felt very >clenched up, and it lasted for a long time. Maybe a minute or two. > >But, it took an awful lot of stimulation, and I don't see how in the >heck my boyfriend is supposed to be able to do that to me... > >Just thought I'd let you know how I was progressing. > >Thank you for your time. > >
GREAT! You write very descriptively. Is it OK with you if I put this progress report up on the web page also? There are women out there like you who would love to hear that there is hope if you persist.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Of course you can keep our eager readers up to date! If it wasn't for the encouragement I received from here, I wouldn't have tried it again at all! Thank you so much. I still have to pick up the book. It sounds very interesting. Thank you again.
9/2/98 Q: I'm writing about my own feelings concerning my girlfriend. We have been >dating exclusively for 10 months and I am very comfortable with her. I >am 37 and she is 31. I was married for 10 years and she was married for >2 years. We have a great relationship. > >The problem that I have concerns her past boyfriends. I often feel >jealous of her old boyfriends. She almost never brings them up in >conversation and there is nothing that she is doing or saying to make me >feel the way I do. > >Just in casual conversation over the past year I concluded that she must >have been with 6 men sexually before I met her. I don't feel like I am >judging her on her past lovers since that was before I met her. I guess >that I feel jealous because she is with me now and I wish all of those >other guys had been me. Anyway, I thought about it for about a month and >finally asked her how many men she had been with sexually. I know it's >like opening a can of worms but I was already past that point anyway. >She told me she had been with 12 men. That is a lot to me. > >Please don't tell me I shouldn't have asked. I felt the same after I did >ask. Do you have any suggestions on how I can ease my own mind about >this issue? I don't want to hide the way I feel by rationalizing all of >her good qualities to outweigh that one issue. Any ideas on why I feel >this way? I'm not thinking about breaking up with her. It's really just >my own state of mind. >Thank you for your help. >
A: Great question! The point, however, is that her sexual experience prior to you is hitting a hot button in you, and the solution to your distress is to find out what is getting stirred up. For some people it's insecurity or a question about inadequacy. In others it's competition, paranoia, possessiveness, exclusivity, or a host of other things. Books have been written on this subject and I won't even attempt a summary here. Try reading books about jealousy. If that doesn't work, see a therapist. Left unaltered, however, it will most likely interfere with your relationship.
9/2/98 Q:When my husband and I have sex, occasionally when I experience an intense >orgasm. I release a flood of clear fluid. Is this possible to be a female >ejaculation? have been told this is possible but rare. > >
A: Absolutely "YES". If it clearly comes from the vagina and not your urethra (where urine comes out), congratulations: you're a female ejaculator!
9/2/98 Q: Dear Sex Doc: > >I was sexually molested as a child and stalked by the same person. The >experience made me very introverted when it came to being around boys and I >never learned how to socialize. As a young adult I did not date, because as I >have recently come to realize, I was making myself unavailable. So here I am >now, 40 years old, have never had a boyfriend and only one sexual experience. > >I am ready to venture out into the world of dating now that I know that I was >the cause of my lack luster social life. I find myself feeling at a loss and >great disadvantage. I have no sexual experience to speak of and I don't know >what to do. Surely, whomever I have sex with will know -- won't he? > >Since a reputable sex therapist is not supposed to have sex with his patients >how can someone like me benefit from therapy. I would like to learn how to >please my potential mate. I would also like to know that I can have sex >without disassociating, which is what I think I did the first time. > >Any suggestions for reputable therapists in the Los Angeles area? > >Thanks. > >
A: You benefit from therapy by identifying hot buttons that make you disassociate, and defusing them so you can enjoy intimacy and sex.
Your therapist can coach you on socialization and assertiveness techniques for dating.
Your therapist can help you see the forest for the trees in any relationship you get into.
Your therapist will encourage you to become knowledgable about human sexuality so you will have an idea what to expect.
I suggest that you start by reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith, Ph.D. and "For Yourself" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
Also: there are men out there who would love to have a naive lover who they could "train" their way. You will benefit from finding one.
A sex therapist can't or shouldn't be, a lover. Even if he were sexually available to you, how about the feelings of the woman you displaced, and how would you feel if the next woman in need of a lover came along and displaced you? It really doesn't work.
Sorry, I don't know a personal referral in the LA area. Please see my suggestions on my web page for finding a therapist.
Does this help?
9/1/98 Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. We are both 18 >years old. I have never had a sexual experience with anyone but her. She has >had intercourse with one previous boyfriend. I don't know any details about >that except that she didn't think it was a good experience. > >My problem is simply that she won't do anything in the way of satisfying me >sexually. As in, nothing that could lead to me having an orgasm. Almost >without exception our sexual experiences are limited to me performing oral sex >on her, and that's it. She loves it, she tells me she loves it, she tells her >friends she loves it, but I get nothing "in return". On three occasions she >attempted (and I use the term loosely) to give me oral sex... she really >didn't make any real effort, and gave up after about a minute. I try very hard >to make every part of our sexual experience wonderful for her and (I know how >arrogant this will sound) I think I'm pretty damn good at it. And I love >making her feel good, which is why it's hard for me to understand why she >can't do the same. Usually (not always) she initiates the sexual encounter, >but as soon as it's clear that I'm responding, she just lays back and lets me >handle everything. > >I've spoken with her on several occasions about this issue. As frustrating as >it is, I don't get angry with her, I just tell her that I don't understand why >she can't do sexual things for me. She gets very upset, cries, says she's >sorry, says she isn't a good girlfriend, etc, etc.. I try to calm her down, >say it's ok, she doesn't have to do anything she doesnt want to, etc, but then >I'm in the same position I was to start with. She gives reasons for why she >won't... intercourse hurts, oral sex isn't pleasant, etc. But she won't even >give me a hand job. I never thought I'd have a problem with waiting until a >girl was ready for sex. What frustrates me is that she won't do anything to >please me, but she has no problem with me eating her out almost daily. > >One more thing. This may not be relevant, but... After a particularly vigorous >oral sexcapade one day, she later reported to me that afterwards a brown-red >fluid came out of her vagina. She believed it to be blood from her hymen, >figuring it had been broken. Which led me to wonder why her hymen hadn't been >broken from intercourse with the previous boyfriend. She said his penis was >really short. Sounds ridiculous to me, but is that possible? So, anyway... I >try to keep open about this and think "she'll come around" and whatnot, but I >just can't help but think "DAMN, just gimme some head, what's the big deal?" >sometimes. >So..... any suggestions? >I apologize for the length, but thanks for your help! > >M >
A: Dear M,
It takes two to tango! Meaning in this case that so long as you are willing to accept the one-sided nature of the relationship, why should she change?
I suggest that you confront her gently but firmly, and make it clear that this imbalance cannot continue without damage to the relationship. Ask her to empathize how she would feel if the situation were reversed -- say, that she gave you oral sex all the time with nothing in return, or that you had penile-vaginal intercourse, with you having an orgasm, leaving her all hot to trot and frustrated.
If she won't change, I suggest that you let her know that you are interested in a relationship that is reciprocal, and that if she can't reciprocate that you, in fact, chalk it up to experience and move on.
I know that there are incentives and rewards for you to perpetuate what you have. But think of the joy of making your partner have an orgasm and then letting her have the same satisfaction. Nice thought, huh.
The brown-red fluid is ambiguous -- inserting two clean, well-lubricated fingers vaginally, and opening them as wide as possible while rotating them 360 degrees will let you both know if she has any hymeneal tissue impeding the progress of a penis.
Please let me know what happens.
Readers, please note: The same rationale applies if the situation were reversed by gender. I suggest that you re-read his e-mail and my reply while mentally reversing the genders. Make sense?
8/31/98 Q: Dear Dr Fitz, > >I have recently got together with a new girlfriend and while the sex is >mindblowingly fantastic she does not want to orgasm. I don't mean that >she can't, because she gets amazingly close with minimal stimulation, >but she says "no, stop ..." and changes position whenever she gets >close. Talking about this she has only had two previous orgasms before, >both requiring her boyfriends to continue and hold her down when she >says stop, something I don't feel able to do. She says that the reason >she stops is that she dosen't feel able to loose control. She really >enjoys sex without orgasm but also really wishes she was able to have >them when desired. What can we do to solve this problem? > >Regards, >M > > > >
A: Dear M,
The bottom line is that I don't know a self-help solution for this, but I see it in therapy from time to time. Many women, and some men, have a problem with what feels like "losing control" -- but often plays out as something else. For some it's exposing involuntary behavior, such as muscle spasms; for others its a sort of admission of wanting to be sexual, and having to accept responsibility for it. For them, it's OK to be intensely sexually excited, but having an orgasm is sort of "going all the way" and they might feel guilt about it.
The therapy, grossly simplified, is to discover the (negative) emotions triggered by having an orgasm, neutralizing their inhibitory effect, and proving the value of having the orgasm by reveling in its pleasurability. I know how to do it live with a couple in therapy. I have not found a way to do it in a self-help format.
Probably brief (5-10) cognitive-behavioral therapy would be effective with this.
I agree with your decision to not force her. First that makes you the band-aid that doesn't address the problem. Second, that could start a sequence of escalation in which she felt guilty and needed greater force on each subsequent occasion. Don't go there!
Please let me know what happens.
8/31/98 Q: Dear Sex Doc, > >I have an erection disfunction since I've beginned my sexual life >(about 9 months ago). I'm 22 years old. Although my penis will erect >from time to time, it seems impossible to me to hold that erection for >a logical amount of time. In most cases, my penis is only >half-erected, maing the sexual act impossible. >The irritating thing I have noticed is that my penis has long, hard >erections whne I'm with my girlfriend and we're kissing etc., but >we're not planning on having sex on that particular occassion. It >seems that when it is the right occassion and I want to have sex, it >will fail me. Although my girlfriend is very sympathetic, I'm >frustrated. >I must confess that prior to having a relationship, I was very >interested in S/M, especially spanking and had lots of fantasies about >it. I even have fantasies now and I get hard erections when I'm >thinking about it (I've tried to fantasise about it when being with my >girlfriend but it didn't work). I always had the fear that my >fantasies would prohibit me from being stimulated by "normal" things. >Is this possible? >Last thing I want to add is that I've tried spanking with my >girlfriend and it wasnt at all like in my fantasies, giving me only a >moderate erection. >Thank you very much, > >George > >
A: Dear George,
What you describe is the essence of psychogenic erection dysfunction -- performance anxiety: Ability ot have hard erections for a long time when no "demand to perform" is placed on the penis.
The solution is to engage in what we call "non-demand pleasuring" in which the goal is pleasure, not performance. If you "sneak up on it" SLOWLY ENOUGH with closer and closer steps to putting the penis inside the vagina, it won't get anxious.
Fantasies are ALWAYS better than reality, no matter what the fantasy is! Your fantasies won't prohibit you from being eroticized by real behavior -- but you must accept the idea that your brain is your biggest sex organ and that what you think is different from what you feel. Allow your brain to be stimulated by nerve endings instead of concepts (easy for me to say; harder for you because you have to practice!).
8/31/98 Q: Some advice on how to deal with a partner whose sexual drive is very low, >while mine is quite high (I am ready anytime) > >We are both 47, and have a wonderful relationship except in this area, which >seems to always become a point of controversy. > >
She has a book of reasons to avoid such as: > It is daylight out > I'm too tired (she watches TV until 10:00 rather than going >to bed earlier) > I'm sweaty or I'm not clean > Someone might come over > I'm not feeling well (how can you question this one?) > >Personally, I am so frustrated that I have told her that I am not going to >ask for sex, period. I am having a tough time dealing with the seemingly >'stream' of excuses which make me feel as though she just does not want sex, >but she got visibly upset when I told her that I was not going to ask anymore. > >She says that I am saying "all or nothing" when all I am doing is not >asking; in other words not placing her in a position of having to say "NO". >If she wants to initiate something, then it will be her call. > >The emotional pain I am feeling (rejection), even though she has been a most >wonderful lovemaker so many times, must have something to do with our >differences in sexual drive, so what I am asking is > 1)How to negotiate a peaceful resolution to the issue, and > 2)How do I deal with my unsatisfied desires? > >Thank you. > > >
P.S.: Further to my previous e-mail, just a thought;
It is not that my partner has no interest, it just that she thinks twice a week is quite enough, and and would prefer twice a day.
A: Dear Hungry,
So easily we accept that people have different heights, weights, skin color, or intelligence, but we are dissatisfied with someone's preference for frequency of sex.
Her sexual desire, twice a week, is not very low, nor is yours, once per day, very high! Very low is less than once every six weeks. Very high is somewhere above 15 times per day. In between is "normal" and a matter of individual differences and individual preferences.
If you have bought into the myth that the "only real sex is penile-vaginal intercourse" then you have backed yourself into a corner where there is only dissatisfaction -- yours or hers.
I suggest that you first expand your repertoire of sexual behavior with her -- make it OK with you, and ask her, if it's OK, for you to rub your erection against parts of her body -- with lubricant, between her thighs when you're both on your side facing the same direction (with you behind her, of course); how about in the crack of her ass when she's lying on her stomach? Do NOT be a selfish smart ass and suddenly introduce your penis into her rectum (without her permission, of course). In this activity the considerate gentleman will take a hanky and mop up his ejaculate from the small of her back after he has regained his breath.
In addition, make it OK between the two of you for you to take care of your own sexual needs from time to time. Invite her to intercourse. Make it OK for her to say 1) OK -- now or later; or 2) I don't feel like being penetrated -- how about if I lie there and you rub where you want; or 3) I really don't feel like participating right now. I'll hold your calls ....
I strongly suggest that you share what I have just written with her.
Please tell me what you both think.
P.S. Other readers -- any comments?
9/1/98 He writes back: Thank you for your prompt response, however, I do feel as though my question may have been misunderstood. I accept the frequency which satisfies my partner, I just wish to understand how to deal with my own "very high" desire in light of her 'less than my' level of libido. This was never meant as a complaint or criticism of her wonderful love for me, only a request to cope with my drives. Thank you
The sexdoc responds: No criticism of her inferred. Did my reply address "how to take care of (your) very high desire"? Please advise sexdoc
Again I thank you for your prompt response, but I did not see anything in >your response which offered me any solutions to my personal dilema. > >Acting out, in secret, to meet my personal needs has left me "flat", and I >am looking for a way to reduce or divert my strong desires, without making >her feel as though she is not meeting my needs. > >I have tried the direct approach; talking with her, and that has only >heightened feelings of inadequacy in her, and I am not wanting to move in >that direction. > >
The essence of our miscommunication: You want to "reduce or divert my strong desires, without making her feel as though she is not meeting my needs" and I am starting from the position that your strong desires deserve to be acknowledged and fulfilled.
From the sex therapy point of view it is as though you had said that she is 5 feet 6 inches, and that you are 5 feet ten inches, and how do we dance? I am saying to stoop a little, and you are asking how to ignore or cut off 4 inches. We know that suppressing sexual desire only results in depression, alienation, frustration or deviation. Isn't it better taking care of your desires above board, and at home?
8/28/98 Q: Dear Dr. Fitz: > >How do I know if I'm one of the 40% of women who cannot have an orgasm >through penil-vaginal sex? I have had orgasms by vaginal stimulation by >oral sex and by my partner fingering me. I would very much like to find >out if I can? My partner feels disappointed at times that it might be >him, i mean that he sometimes thinks that maybe it's him who's not doing >the job right etc.. I love him alot and sometimes am unsure if I ever >will have an orgasm through vaginal-penil sex with him. > >Thank You, >anonymous >
A: Dear "anonymous" (by the way, there are thousands of "Carlottas*" out there)
Either you have an orgasm from penile thrusting or you don't. It sounds like you haven't. Please reassure your partner that it isn't him.
* Not her "real" name
8/28/98 Q: My wife just found out that she is pregnant, and she is concerned that >performing oral sex and "swallowing" could be harmful to the fetus. Is >there any way that swallowing ejaculate could harm the fetus? I do not >have any sexually transmitted diseases. > >Please withhold my name. > > >
A: They are two, totally separate body systems. The alimentary canal (literally "food tube") from the mouth to the anus is totally encapsulated and does not communicate with the reproductive organs except through the intermediary of digestion. There is no way for sperm or anything else to get from the alimentary canal to the fetus except through the blood stream. Alcohol permeates tissues and gets into the blood stream quickly. Sperm cannot permeate the tissues -- once swallowed they meet a timely death by acid -- stomach juices.
That having been said, I encourage you to explore the psychological implications. Some men cannot have intercourse with a pregnant wife because that would make him a motherfucker (wierd, I know, but literal). Some women think they need to become "more prim and proper" when they become pregnant because a "mommy" can't be a cocksucker. Think about it.
(OK, readers, will this incite any of you to comment on this?)
8/28/98 Q: > >Hi doc, > >I think this is something silly to ask but I just wanted to see if you can >give any help in this matter. Well, what I want to know is whether there >is anyway to tell if a man is gay or even bisexual if there is no actual >incidence. Like, is there any sign or some way of finding out. > >Thanks in advance > >mrsA > > >
A: Dear Mrs. A.
Many men and women are apparently happily married for years before they have their first homosexual experience, upon which the light bulbs go off and they feel like they have finally found nirvana.
Without the activation by experience the feelings are confusing and the curiosity is ambiguous. There are men and women who have been curious, but who, after a "good" homosexual experience find that it is not as "fun" as they thought it would be.
This is a BRIEF answer. To all gay readers, please note that this is an over-generalization, and yes, I do know that there are tons of variations on the above themes.
Link to Answers #10
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